Make it Work
by tvdunlop
Summary: Addek, AU.Life isn't perfect. Long days, and paths that rarely cross. What will the future hold for Addison and Derek? Mark gets clued in. Derek and Addison worry about their friends. Chapter 57 is finally up.
1. Sharing Pasta

I just love Addek. I know Addison has moved on with her life and I'm happy she has. However, I just miss them so much. Meredith and Derek were always fine for me and I like them, but I just saw so much history between these two characters so in this story's universe, they are together. They might not always be happy or even speaking, and they certainly aren't perfect, but it's Addek forever.

Please read and review, just random thoughts, suggestions, any feedback is appreciated. Also, I own no one and nothing. All characters belong to their creators and I'm just having creative plot bunny fun! Enjoy.

Addison Shepard felt her entire body begin to crash as she walked through her elegant front door. She sighed as a dark house met her, she knew Derek was still working but that didn't really lessen the reality. Her reality was distinctly depressing sometimes, but she shook those thoughts from her head dropping her elegant handbag and umbrella in the hall way and sorting through the mail without really reading anything. Addison knew she should make something healthy but her heart wasn't in it so she opened a bottle of wine and ordered in Italian food. While she waited she flipped through the latest issue of the medical journal that arrived but her focus was completely gone and she gave up with a frustrated sigh.

Her thoughts drifted to her nine year marriage to Derek Shepard. Derek, his smile still made her weak at the knees, but it was hard to be found these days. Derek would always arrive home late, tired, with lines over his eyes and sometimes he didn't really say anything to her as he changed for bed and collapsed next to her. The silence was getting to her and she had no idea what to do. Sometimes when she knew he would be in surgery all night she would call Mark, Derek's best friend. Mark who made her laugh when she wanted to cry, Mark who knew she was lonely and was willing to hear her vent. He listened to her insecurities and told her she was just being silly and that she and Derek would be fine. She wanted to believe him, but some days she just didn't know. Her dinner arrived and Addison merely poked at it eating only a few bites. Derek would be hungry when he got home, she knew that and she hadn't made any dinner.

After staring at the plate she stood and went to the kitchen where she placed another dish on top and put it in the fridge. She poured a glass of her husband's favorite wine and scribbled a note. "Derek, I know you're probably exhausted but you should eat something. I ordered a really good pasta dish I thought you might like, it's in the fridge. I love you, Addie." She studied her handwriting wondering when it had changed from legible to pathetic. There was nothing to be done, he would understand it, and he always did. Leaving the glass next to the stark white piece of paper she walked up the plush carpeted stairs and got ready for bed. Climbing into bed without Derek was the worst. She hated it, the sheets were cold and she couldn't remember the last time he'd been waiting for her.

Derek Shepard entered his house around three thirty in the morning. He noted the lights in the hallway were on and glancing up into the kitchen he noticed a glass of wine. Unable to resist he walked in and picking it up feeling somewhat grateful to his wife for it he noticed the note. He scanned it and then feeling too tired to contemplate he pulled the dish out of the fridge and heated it in the microwave. As it warmed, he scanned the day's mail noting that the magazine hadn't arrived yet, he was looking forward to the most recent news and he frowned as he made a mental note to call about it tomorrow.

"It's in the living room," his wife's voice startled him and his head snapped up.

"Addie, I'm sorry, did I wake you?" He looked apologetic and Addison shrugged.

"No, it's fine, I got up because I heard a funny noise," she lied not wanting him to know she was unable to sleep.

"You should go back to bed," his eyes took in her slender form in one of his large tee-shirts. At one time his pulse would have sped up considerably despite his tired state. Now he felt a flash of appreciation followed by a dull sense of concern. A husband should comment, "You'll get cold."

Addison just stared back at him and her eyes looked tired, "I'm fine Derek, it's warm in the house, we can afford to turn up the central heating."

For some reason her tone annoyed him, "are you saying I should just not take on these surgeries anymore?" The timer buzzed and he grabbed the plate out, picked up the fork on the counter and sat down not bothering to look at her.

Addison sighed watching her tired husband stab the noodles as they bore the brunt of his day. At least she could share that duty with something. Slowly she approached the table and pulled out a chair to sit.

"Derek," she waited, but there was no response.

"Derek, look at me," she didn't want to beg and he finally glanced up at her and stopped eating as he studied her.

"That's not what I meant at all," she hadn't either. She just wanted him home.

"Okay," he said finally.

"I'm sorry, I just miss you," she might as well admit it.

"I know Addie, I am sorry I'm not home earlier more often," he was too.

She didn't bother to correct him that he was never really home early, that the last full day they'd spent together had been almost two months ago.

She glanced at her, no his, food and picked up his fork taking a bite of his pasta. He watched her, a small smile flickering on his face and he sighed, "you should go to bed."

"I'm going," she stood and headed towards the door but stopped turning to face him, "are you coming?"

He nodded taking another bite of pasta, "soon."

She walked upstairs wondering how to make it so he would get in bed first. She decided to head to the laundry room and by the time she got back with the clothes she wanted to wear the next day Derek was in bed.

"There you are," he hesitated, "are you okay?"

Her heart swelled and she fought the choked up feeling in her throat, "I am now."

She climbed into the bed feeling his body heat and slowly inched towards him. To her surprise he put his arm around her and pulled her into his chest tightly kissing her forehead.

"Good night Addie," his voice was soft.

"I love you Derek," she responded and her last thought was how warm she felt compared to when she got home. She hadn't turned the central heat up at all.


	2. What Did We Lose?

Addison stared at her chart wondering about her patient's mental health. The young woman was seven months pregnant but the baby had been experiencing fetal distress. She couldn't quite figure out if Alice's past medical history, an eating disorder, would cause problems with the baby's development. Alice's husband was taking good care of her and Addison figured that he would alert her to any potential flare ups.

"Addison," Mark Sloan appeared from around the corner. Addison did a double take; Mark was almost never around on her floor. He would stop in to see Derek, but he rarely came up to see her.

"Mark?" She couldn't help the questioning in her voice.

"Surprised?" he leaned against the desk grinning at her and she felt a flash of subtle irritation.

"What is it Mark," he really was too aware of his good looks. She never had felt as though he was hitting on her, but he was just an irritation.

He stopped smiling and pulled away, "Derek asked me to take you out to dinner," he had a somber look now.

"Why?" and she knew suddenly, Derek wasn't going to make their dinner reservation.

"Mark, you don't need to," she sighed.

"Addie, I want to," he looked truly sorry.

"Fine, I'll get my coat," she turned leaving the chart in the slot.

She walked out towards him and he studied her, "I want to take you out, but if you don't want to go," he hesitated.

"No, let's go," she paused, "I just want to see Derek," she had to see her husband.

"Addison," he looked up hearing her footsteps.

"Derek," she wanted to hate him, but he looked so tired.  
"God Addison I'm so sorry, it's a little girl, I have to operate," he stared at her willing her to understand and she nodded mutely.

He was a world class surgeon and she knew she should assure him she wasn't angry.  
"I'll make do with Mark," she gave him the best smile she could muster.

He pulled her into his arms gently, "I know," he broke away and gave her a gentle kiss and his eyes fell on Mark.

"Treat her like a princess," he instructed.  
"Will do, she's going to be the most spoiled girl in the city," Mark promised.

"Addison," Derek looked at her imploringly.

She shook her head at him, "I'll see you later."

He watched her walk away on his best friend's arm. He wanted to take her to dinner, but he knew that his work was important. He had a life to save. Derek wasn't blind, he knew Addison was unhappy, but he wasn't sure how to fix it. He wasn't sure when things started to go wrong with them. It wasn't that the sex was bad, when they made love, it was fulfilling and passionate. It was their communication, their connection, and that was frightening for Derek. He was sure she felt the loss as well. It had been months really since they had been able to share more than the brief kisses before bed or the morning coffee together. Their careers kept growing, their names better recognized and somehow the label of Addison and Derek, or Derek and Addison, was dimming.

Addison wanted to cry but held it together until she was in Mark's car and she started to sob.

"Addison," his arms were around her and she wailed onto his shoulder, "why?"

"I don't know," Mark was quiet for a minute, "let me take you home."

They entered the dark house and Mark quickly turned on a light ushering her into the living room towards the couch, "sit," he ordered.

She sat heavily wondering what else the day could possibly throw at her.

"Here," he handed her tea and she glanced up at him.

"Thank you," she took it and sipped it gasping softly as it burned her tongue.

"Sorry, it's hot," he sat down next to her.

"Mark do you ever want children," she stole a look in his direction to watch his face.

He shifted uneasily, "I haven't thought about it much," his eyes widened.

"Addison are you?" He was gaping.

"No," she said quickly, "no thank goodness."

He was silent and then asked, "do you want kids?"

Addison looked down at her hands and noticed again the big beautiful rings Derek had put there.  
"I did," she blushed softly, "I still do, can you imagine a mini Derek?"

"God help us all," Mark's comment made her smile.

"He'd break hearts by the time he was three," she grinned.  
"Just like he's breaking yours," Mark whispered finally.

Addison felt something in her snap and she turned to him fiercely, "don't you dare say that about Derek."  
"Relax Addie, he's my best friend, it's not that I think badly of him, but you're my friend too and I saw you tonight crying. You don't cry." He was right, he was right about a lot of things.

She couldn't' be truly mad at him, "I know." He was Derek's best friend and he wouldn't be mean to him even with a reason. She knew he was more worried about her than angry at Derek.

"It's not his fault," she murmured.

"I know," Mark did too, "I just think," he didn't know how to say it, "I just think he doesn't get how hurt you are."

"I'm tired," she wanted to stop talking.

He nodded and plopped a pillow onto his lap, "I'll stay," he offered.

She raised her eyebrows, "I'll wake you when he gets back," he explained.  
She nestled onto the couch and laid her head down feeling him pull the blanket over her and his hand settle on her arm.

"Thank you," she could think of nothing else to say.

"Go to sleep," Mark sat quietly and soon she drifted off.

Derek opened his door and glanced into the living stopping short. Mark was sitting on the couch and he turned his head at Derek's entrance.

"Shush," he whispered.

Derek walked over and saw his wife with her head on a pillow on Mark's lap. Mark was resting his arm on her body and she was sleeping.

"She was exhausted and I told her I'd stay until you got back," Mark hesitated, "she's a mess man."

Derek hesitated, "did you go to dinner?" Something told him they didn't.

Mark glanced down at Addison's form, "no, but it was her choice," he gently shook her.

Addison opened her eyes and glanced up, Mark's face and then Derek's came into vision.

"Hi," she said softly sitting up.

"Let's go to bed," Derek studied her face, she had puffy eyes and looked awful.

He felt terrible for his part in the look on her face, and she stood walking around the couch to stand by him. She took his arm and smiled at Mark, "thank you for staying," she put her hand on arm gently and he nodded.

Derek showed him out and turned to his wife, "you didn't want dinner?" She shook her head.

"Are you okay?" he didn't want to deal with her anxiety and annoyance now.

"We can talk about it later," she offered and he held out his hand to her which she took gratefully.

He guided her up the stairs and once in bed took her in his arms kissing her softly.

"Derek," she wanted him suddenly, needed him.

He knew her so well, he could sense her desperation and as tired as he was he couldn't say no.

He made love to her gently, tenderly hoping that somehow he could erase her pain, assure her that he loved her. He did love her, but marriage and careers were never easy to balance. She came in his arms gasping his name and he cradled her to him.

"Derek, what about you," she realized he hadn't yet climaxed.

"Shush," he touched her cheek staring into her eyes, they were searching his and she whispered his name again.

He eventually began to move again and they both came together this time.

She fell asleep tucked under his chin feeling slightly better. It was another day in their life together, one that ended well, but Addison couldn't shake the feeling that she was losing him, day by day, to his world and his work. She didn't know if she could win in this game, she wasn't strong enough to fight for him every day.


	3. Too Tired to Fight

Too Tired to Fight, chapter 3

Derek Shepard was a brilliant surgeon; there wasn't much he couldn't do. He was not however a brilliant husband. Addison had finished her surgery and was now watching him remove a tumor. There was a careful precision and gentleness in his hands. She sighed and straightened up seeing Mark standing in the doorway watching as well.

"Mark," his name made him turn away from Derek and fixate on her.

"Hi," he walked across the room and sat down next to her, "how are you feeling?"

She blushed slightly; they hadn't talked since he left her house two nights ago after watching her almost fall apart.

"Fine," she didn't want to get into it and he let it be.

Derek was closing and she stood, "he did it again," another textbook procedure for her husband.

"Yeah," Mark stood too.

Derek washed up his hands, the patient was going to be alright but he was exhausted, too tired.

"Derek," Addison approached him looking hesitant, after their passionate night, things had been unusually cool between them and he was pretty sure they were both surprised by it.

"Hi," his beautiful wife also looked like she had quite the day.

There wasn't much he could say to her as he dried his hands and just watched her.

Addison slowly studied his features, this man was a stranger to her, every time it seemed she had to break down the walls and work her way into his heart. She didn't have the strength today. To see his face so impassive after their recent encounter was heartbreaking and suddenly she felt her entire façade just crumbling.

"Good job, I'll see you at home," she managed a smile and turned leaving the room. She couldn't fight, not tonight, with him or for him.

She climbed on the metro; normally she would ride home with Derek, but not today. She wasn't going to wait for him. Walking out onto the street she contemplated going home to her dark house and realized she couldn't face it so instead she walked into their local bar.

"Hi Sam," she slid onto the bar stool and hesitated, "gin and tonic," she wanted straight shots but somehow that didn't seem refined.

"Hi Addison," she was one of his favorites, she was smart and almost always in a good mood.

"Where's that handsome husband," he glanced at her in time to see her face fall.

"Sorry," he set the drink in front of her and she shook her head.

"Don't be, he got caught with a surgery," she tried to make it sound like she was overly proud.

"Ah," Sam smiled hesitantly, "and it went well?"  
"He's the star of his department, again," she knew that came out sounding resentful.

"Well," Sam sighed, "what it'll be next?"

Addison eyed him, "already thinking about your next paycheck?"  
"Nope, you're a good customer, and I've got a lull," he grinned.

"Straight shot of whatever you want," she sighed and he did his best to hide his surprise.

Derek sighed; going home to Addison wasn't something he could handle. He watched her in that doorway and knew she made a fast escape because she was about to crack. Some things you knew after being married to someone for so long.

He decided to head to the bar for a few drinks first, maybe that would make it easier to face her. Derek wasn't a mean man, he did care, but he was exhausted and he needed a drink.

The bar was lively and hopping, he and Addison used to come together a lot, but in the recent past things had gotten too busy and he honestly couldn't remember their last visit together. He'd come a few times alone.

"Hey Sam," he sat down the other end of the bar and ran his hands through his hair.

"Rough day," the cheerful bar tender studied him and Derek sighed.

"Yeah, a good one, the patient made it through, but I'm beat," he grinned, "I'll have whatever you make me."  
Sam set a drink down in front of him and hesitated, "It's none of my business, but your wife is here too down the other end of the bar and she's starting to feel the liquor."  
Derek jerked his head up in shock and turned to look down the bar, what he saw both amazed him and tore at his heart.

She was a vision, even after a long shift, Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepard was a vision. Her impossibly high heels, the one he teased her about so often that she liked to buy with his credit card, accentuated her stunningly long legs. Her dress, black and often hidden under a white lab coat, was shimmering in the light, tight fitted with a slight dip baring cleavage. Derek wasn't always a fan of her eye catching clothes especially when he wasn't standing next to her, but he loved to show her off and she loved to be escorted by him. Her hair was pulled up now, in a twist with a few pieces hanging down and she looked miserable.

"She came too," he realized sadly that they were not so unalike.

"She's been here for about an hour," Sam affirmed and Derek sighed, "Okay give her one more on me and get me another of these."

Addison was feeling it, she knew she shouldn't be drinking this much for these reasons, but she didn't care.

"Here," Sam placed another drink down in front of her and she eyed it uncertainly.

"When did I order that," the confusion on her face would have made him laugh on a normal night, now he just felt a gentle pang of sympathy.

"Your husband," he said finally and Addison rolled her eyes.

"Right," she snorted softly looking down at the glass in front of her.

"Hey," his voice, right next to her.

She held in a gasp of shock and glanced up, "hi," it was a defeated noise coming from her and the sigh that followed it didn't go unnoticed by Derek or Sam.

"I thought you'd gone home," he sat down on the stool next to her and waited.

Addison said nothing; she didn't know how to begin.

"I couldn't," and she didn't offer up any more than that.

"What stopped you," he was pushing, he didn't know why.

"Do you even care," her bitter tone was like a bucket of cold water, but one you might see tipping in your direction before it hit.

Derek sighed realizing he deserved that, "I'm sorry about earlier Addie, I was just trying to wind down after the surgery, there wasn't much of me to give."  
"That's how it always is, with both of us Derek," Addison felt tired trying to explain and the alcohol wasn't really helping.

"Yeah," he couldn't deny that.

"Derek, when Mark…" she suddenly wished she hadn't started.

Derek glanced at her wondering what she was going to say, "what about Mark?"

She took a deep breath, "when he brought me home, he asked if I'd ever thought about children," there it was.

"Oh," Derek felt stupid, at his answer mostly.

Her hurt eyes met his searching them for more, "Derek, what are we doing with our life together?"  
Such a legitimate question and one that Derek suddenly wanted to avoid, "I love you Addison."  
"Don't take the easy way out again, I need more than that" her voice was now downright venomous.

"Addison," he felt like she had hit him and knew he was looking at her with the special look he reserved for his wife.

"No Derek, you don't get to give me that look. Not right now."

She stood up and Derek with her leaving bills on the table.

"Don't touch me," she hissed turning to leave but she paused unable to find her balance in her high heels.

He gently grabbed her elbow guiding her out and towards their house.

She waited for him to unlock the door, "I'm sorry Derek, I just don't have it in me to fight today," for you or against you, but she didn't voice the last part.

His eyes in the street lights shone and she wondered at the compassion in them.

"Me neither," he admitted letting the door open. She climbed the stairs leaving him to look through the mail.

By the time he reached the bedroom she was asleep with a glass of water and Advil by the bed, both sides he noted with a small smile. Even after her anger flared she was still thoughtful towards him and he appreciated that ability in her to move on. He climbed in next to her and stared at the ceiling.

There were hard questions to answer, and while he could save a life by removing a tumor, just part of a day's work, saving his marriage wasn't so easy.


	4. This Love We Share

Hi everyone, I have so much work to do but you inspired me to start another chapter gosh darn it. I haven't figured out some key elements of this story so when I am actually confronted with them the chapters make come a bit slower for a bit, but hopefully the writer's muse will stick around.

Crazy-chica 6: Yeah it is funny, but it's their local "Joe's" if you will, close enough so they don't have to be that worried about getting home, but somewhere they can go after a long day. I appreciate the comment about the addekness of it. I think that I miss these two and I want them to be together, although it is far from perfect.

KateGreysFan

Thank you! I might be slow on the updates at times due to school work, but I will do my best.

Jaxx221

Thanks : ) See that is something I wanted to write into their marriage moments. It is true that they have had fights and will continue to do so, but it isn't Addek without feeling that same love and chemistry so I'm trying to keep that there.

To the rest of the wonderful reviewers from earlier chapters! Thank you as well for your comments! I will try to do individual responses from here on out! Keep the feedback coming, it does make my (sometimes horrendous) days.

This Love We Share

Previously: Addison and Derek have another moment of disconnect and find each other in the same bar. Addison shares with Mark her secret hope to have children, Derek doesn't respond to the revelation of that conversation in the way she had hoped.

Summary: Two weeks later, Derek and Addison are on decent terms, there's a flu going around that Addison gets, and she hates feeling sick.

Addison rolled over in bed feeling a faint sensation of queasiness. She groaned just thinking about the flu that was going around, she knew that the hospital floors she and Derek worked on were generally not exposed, but this winter time of year it was also everywhere else. She sighed softly, she probably had a fever; thankfully she didn't have to go in today. Just then her phone started ringing and she reached for it.

"Hello," her voice sounded awful.

Sure enough he noticed, "You sound terrible," oh what a charming husband.

"Thank you," she mumbled.

"You felt warm before I left this morning, how are you feeling," his concern sent a flash of softness through her and gratitude.

"Not that good," she admitted finally.

"Take care of yourself, I'll be home around eight to take care of you, but you can't share," his voice was sympathetic but she detected a note of Derek Shepard teasing and rolled her eyes.

"I'll try not to, but honey if I do, it's only out of love," her voice was oddly sugary and Derek shuddered.

She grinned at the quiet silence; she could play the game just as well when she was sick.

"Take care of yourself," he finally said, "I love you."  
"Love you too," and then she was asleep again.

By the time Derek arrived home that night Addison was just downright sick. She knew she was too, and she hated it.

"Oh Addie," Derek had picked up hot soup and gone straight upstairs to check on her.

She barely acknowledged his existence as he sat down next to her.  
"You are way too warm," he was somewhat alarmed by her lack of response.

"Leave me alone," she mumbled hating the slight amount of noise his voice made.

"Baby you've got to wake up," Derek was a doctor but that didn't mean he felt invincible all the time, he rubbed her back gently wincing as he realized how hot she was.

He was rewarded for his efforts by a set of green eyes and they were glaring at him. Suddenly he felt so much better.  
"Glad to see you can still send daggers my way," he cheerfully remarked.

"Derek," she whined.

"I brought soup," he waited uncertainly and she groaned softly.

"I can't eat Derek I've spent all day in the bathroom," she sounded so pitiful.

"Sweetheart," he tried cajoling and received another glare.

He gave a slight sigh and said, "fine I have some myself then," and he stood up.

"You're going to leave me?" She felt him get up and was ashamed to admit she wanted him there, but she did.

"I'll be right back," he headed out of the room and sure enough returned just a few minutes later.

Addison heard him come in and felt him sit again on the bed, then she smelled chicken and her stomach gave a slight twist, it wasn't a bad one though.

She sniffed again to make sure hoping it was subtle.

Derek eyed his sleeping wife, well her eyes were closed, but he detected a slight sniff and he managed to hide his laughter.

"Derek," her voice covered his almost snort, and he composed himself.  
"Yeah sweetie," he sipped at the soup enjoying the warmth spreading through him.

"Is that the soup you brought," she was realizing no matter how subtly she played the game he was going to realize her end goal.

"Yeah, would you like some," he waited for her response knowing that she was going to cave.

"It smells good," she admitted reluctantly.

"Then you have to sit up," he urged and felt a flash of sympathy as she rolled over and hauled herself into a sitting position.

"I feel so awful," she finally said.

"I know, but this and a hot shower will do wonders," he held out a bowl and she took it gratefully beginning to sip away. It was only a minute later when she realized he was still holding a bowl.

"Where did you get that bowl," she eyed him suspiciously.

"I brought two up," his eyes were twinkling at her and she felt a delicious surge of energy.  
"You," she sputtered.

"Well Addie, I know you well, or rather I know your stomach well and it's very predictable even when you're not feeling normal."

She just looked at her husband trying to figure out if she was going to laugh, cry or glare at him, she settled for a glare but her amusement showed in her eyes.

"God you're so beautiful when you're almost angry," he reached out and touched her face.

The moment was silent and golden for the two of them, interrupted by the doorbell.

Derek sighed, "I'll be right back," he stood and vanished leaving Addison flushed and feeling oddly better.

"Mark," he wasn't too surprised to see his best friend on the step.

"I brought soup," Mark held up a bag, "how's she feeling?"

"Fine, well not fine because she's Addison and she hates to be sick," Mark nodded at Derek's words, he too knew how much Addison despised not feeling well.

"Thanks for the soup," Derek took the bag, "do you want to come in?"

"Nah, it's okay," he stepped back, "just wanted to make sure you didn't need anything."  
"I think we're all set, but Addie might like to see you," he offered.

"Tell her I send my best and I don't want to catch anything I know how generous she can be," he grinned and was striding down the steps before Derek could respond. He rolled his eyes and closed the door walking into the kitchen to put down the soup.

Derek shook his head as he took a sniff, chicken, god he and Mark were sometimes so similar it was scary.

"Derek," her whine carried and he laughed softly.

"Coming baby," he took the stairs two at a time and stuck his head in, "did you miss me?" His smirk mocked her and yet she couldn't resist his handsome features.

"No, it's your soup, it's going to get cold," she offered lamely.

"That's the best you could do?" He wasn't above teasing her even when she didn't feel well.

"Derek, that's not fair, my head's fuzzy," she complained and he sat down falling silent as per her unstated request.

He studied her while she ate, his Addie. She was still so beautiful, even sick, her hair was mussed and she looked like she hadn't slept well, but she still sparkled.

"I think it's time for that shower," he noted she'd stopped eating.

"Derek I'm really tired," she protested.

"Seriously, a quick one," he helped her out of bed realizing she wasn't fighting him. He climbed in with her and Addison started in surprise, "Derek!"

"Shush, this isn't like that," he assured her and proceeded to gently wash her hair letting his fingers massage her scalp. Addison fighting tears, managed to stop herself from moaning, but it felt so good.

"Derek," she murmured.

"Shush," he urged again, and continued to gently take care of her.

Soon she was dressed in clean clothes and under the covers.

"Do you want me to stay," Derek studied her face and she quickly shook her head.

"No, you can't get sick," she whispered, "thank you though."

He gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, "just yell if you need anything," and he was gone.

She leaned back against her pillows thinking on the last few hours. He'd come straight home to her, fed her soup, teased her and bathed her almost like a newborn baby. She felt so well cared for and suddenly things were easy again. They were AddisonandDerek. She loved how so many people, family friends and colleagues thought of them like that. They could be unstoppable she knew, as a team there was nothing they couldn't get done. They were in synch and at times like these it was hard to imagine what could ever sometimes feel so off.


	5. What about Us?

You are all wonderful! Once again I should be working and here I am in the world of Addek, such a good world. Anyway….

Simbagirl: Thanks so much! Don't worry about not reviewing, sometimes I read a story, but don't review the first couple of times, and then after I start reading I start reviewing more. I appreciate you taking the time!

Goldentail: Glad you like the fluff, I sense you want angst, don't worry, it'll come. Also I wanted to have them both aware of their marriage status because it's easier to have flexibility with that, at least in some areas. I have a lot of ideas and I'm still trying to figure out where to go.

Picric drea: glad you liked the fluff! I like writing Addek fluff, try to remember this Derek exists even when he clearly is taking a vacation

Crazy-chica 6: No it isn't going to last, but I like every now and then creating the connection, before I smash it. Kidding kidding.

Make it Work, Chapter 5, What about Us?

Addison was feeling better; she was back at work, and feeling on top of the world. However there was one element about being sick she liked more, a husband who came home to her. Derek had created such distance in the past few days that Addison barely saw him. She knew he had several complicated surgeries, and she forgave him for being absent because he was so good at his job. However Addison Shepard was a married woman and a neonatal surgeon. That meant every day she saw families have children, because she was good at what she did, most often they were happy moments, ones where the parents forgot she was there and went into a world of their own. This was a world she wasn't allowed to enter and she felt it keenly.

She was in surgery that afternoon, a difficult cesarean for twins, they were small, but both out of critical condition and she stood watching the parents stare at their children. Addison wanted to cry as they held each other, she wanted that.

"Addison," it was Mark and she silently cursed for the tears threatening to fall.

"Is everything okay," he was studying her and she nodded hastily.

"Are the babies okay," he was concerned about her patients and she felt a flash of gratitude.

"They're fine, everyone's fine," she said shooting him a small smile.

"You're not," he glanced into the NICU, "they all are thanks to you, but you're not."

She hated him in that moment and if he'd be Derek she would have laced him with hot words but she couldn't, he was Mark and fighting with him like she would fight with her husband wasn't right.

"Mark," that meant she had limited options of how to react. She wasn't good at changing her behavior for people.

"You want to scream at me and storm away, don't you," he was hiding a small grin and she rolled her eyes, he had to be Derek's best friend.

"Yes," she finally admitted.

"I won't tell him," Mark promised and she did glare at him.

"Mark, stop," her voice was harder now and he nodded mutely.

"I just wanted to see if you wanted to grab a drink after work," he hesitated, "I get off at seven."

She sighed, she hadn't seen him since before she was sick and she missed him.

"Okay," she said finally, "I think Derek has a surgery," she gave him a more genuine smile.

"Let me check with Derek and I'll let you know," she pushed herself away from the counter she was leaning on and headed to the elevators to go find her husband.

Derek sat in the lounge with his head in his hands, he was so tired. He'd had two long surgeries back to back and he needed sleep. He was aware that the door had opened because he felt the stream of light on his face and he groaned.

"You look exhausted," her voice floated towards him and he struggled to open his eyes.

"I can't talk right now Addie, I've got one more surgery in two hours, I need to get some sleep," he couldn't help how cold his voice was.

"Can I get you anything," her offer was kindly posed, but he shook his head no.

"I'm going to buy Mark a drink in thanks for the soup he brought by last week," Addison finally said, "I can stop by to make sure…"

He cut her off, "go, and have fun."

"Okay," he could feel her hesitation and wished she'd leave him alone suddenly with a passion that startled him, he wanted peace. The last few days he'd felt her struggle to stay close to him and he could sense her desire to talk about topics he desperately wanted to avoid.

Addison watched her husband and even though he was tired she felt hurt he couldn't be bothered to look at her. She sighed and stepped closer leaning down to give him a gently kiss on his forehead, "good luck with your surgery," it was a small peace offering and he reciprocated by opening his eyes.

"Thanks, I'll see you at home," he whispered before closing those blue eyes again.

She walked out quietly realizing that yet again she was going to be falling asleep alone.

"Ready?" Mark arrived promptly at seven and she put down her chart.

"I'm all set," she said feeling determined to not let her mood get the evening down.  
"Did you find Derek," Mark asked conversationally and Addison forced her voice to stay light.

"He's so tired, I swear he's going to collapse soon," she smiled at him, "he said to have fun."

Mark nodded sensing there was more but unwilling to push risking her wrath.

They settled into a booth and Addison declined to order food, she wasn't feeling well.

Mark ordered dinner and they both got drinks, Addison a glass of wine and Mark a beer.

"Thanks for the soup," she suddenly said with a smile, "that was sweet."

"You're welcome, I thought you might eat it," he grinned his Mark grin and she felt her heart lighten slightly. He really did make her feel a little better despite everything.

"Do you want to tell me what was going on when I found you upstairs watching that family?"

She really didn't but she didn't have the energy to deflect his question.

"I really want children Mark," she smiled softly, "I really do."  
"Have you talked to Derek?" Mark had to ask.

"He hasn't really wanted to talk these days, I feel like maybe well, he knows and he doesn't want to have the conversation," she fought tears.

"Addie," he reached for her hands folded on the table and she jerked back.

"Don't call me that," her eyes flashed and he realized he'd used Derek's nickname for her.

"Sorry," he apologized, "I hang out with you both too much."  
"Not anymore," she finally admitted.

"Yeah," he couldn't remember the last time they really did something together.

"I can't remember the last time we were in the same room," she voiced his thoughts out loud and he nodded in agreement.

"Mark I really miss those days when we were in med school and at least we could study together or hang out sometimes, the three of us had such fun," the wistful tone of her voice made Mark's heart clench.

"Addison, you owe it to yourself and Derek to talk to him."

"I can't," her voice was strained, "it's not the right time."  
"It'll never be," he urged.  
"No, I refuse to believe that, it has to get better," such determination he noted.

"Okay," and he let it go.

They ate and drank mostly in silence after that and he brought her back to the house. He almost offered to stay again, but decided against it.

She gave him a quick hug and peck on the cheek, "I'll see you soon," and then she was gone into the big dark house.

Mark walked away slowly wondering if her optimism was founded or just a fleeting hope.

Derek walked into the house, warmly lit at around three am ready to collapse. He paused in the doorway of the living room, Addison sat on the couch and she was staring at a blank TV.

"Addie," he hesitated and received no response.  
"How was your surgery," her voice sounded emotionless and he walked over to the couch standing behind her.

"It was okay in the end, he coded and I thought we were going to lose him, but we managed to get his heart started again," he felt drained just thinking about it.

"Addison, I have to sleep, I've had…"

"Go, you need it," the same tone he'd used earlier and he felt a twinge of guilt, but he couldn't muster up energy to continue the conversation.

"Are you coming up?" He waited.

"Soon," he was hit with another flash of déjà vu.

He walked upstairs and was asleep before she came into the bedroom.

Addison was sitting on the couch when her husband returned. She was thinking about how she could possibly ask Derek now about children. The family they were supposed to have didn't deserve to be put on hold. They'd always talked about it, but in the last year Derek had stopped mentioning it and even avoided her efforts. What if he didn't want a family anymore? Was she going to lose him to his work for good? She secretly hoped a baby might bring him back to her, give their marriage a boost. That wasn't the only reason she wanted a child, she wanted one so desperately, but the positive impact it could have in her relationship with Derek was one she couldn't ignore the draw of.

He walked in then and the exchange was curt, quick and emotionless on both sides. He was leaving her, not physical, but in every other way. She wasn't sure if she could keep doing this. She knew she had to leave; she had to get away for a while. Normally she'd talk it over with Derek before going to the head of surgery but not this time. Addison was still independent, she might wear wedding rings and someone else might share her heart, but she was still Addison Forbes Montgomery and at this point she wasn't even sure when Derek would realize she was gone or if he would care.


	6. You're Not the One

Gosh once again I should be working, oh well a good study break in Addek land.

Crazy-chica6: Maddison makes you nervous, now why is that?

Kategreysfan: Thanks for the review, again with the maddison, not sure.

Jaxx221: Glad you thought it was adorable and nope not lasting. Addison does love Derek, but she's strong and she knows things are no longer right for her.

Simbagirl: Here ya go!

Thanks for the reviews and keep them coming! I appreciate feedback.

Chapter 6: You're Not the One

Addison had gone to bed late that night and when she woke up feeling exhausted, Derek was already gone. She had the day off but headed into the hospital to talk with her boss. Donald was a good boss, he was efficient and he certainly knew she gave her best to everything, but she was still nervous about asking him for such a short notice vacation. Addison steadied herself before knocking and entered to see his friendly smile. Suddenly she felt much better.

"Hi Donald," she hesitated and he gestured for her to sit.

"Addison, what can I do for you?" He wasn't really giving her his full attention so she blurted it out hoping he might not get it fully.  
"I need a little time off," and his eyes met hers, it worked.

"How long?" He studied her and she shrugged feeling suddenly very little.

"A week or two," she finally suggested softly.

"Okay," and that was it.

Looking up at him Addison wanted to ask why he wasn't more inquisitive but professionally she knew he wouldn't ask so she simply nodded.

"Thank you," she stood.

"I expect you to make sure your patients are," and she nodded quickly, he didn't need to finish. She always wanted what was best for her patients.

"Let me know when you're leaving," he bent over his papers again.

"It's effective immediately," she said and this time she saw concern.

"Addison if there's anything…" he trailed off seeming a bit helpless.

"No," she shook her head, "but thank you."  
She left and taking a deep breath she decided she should tell someone she was going. Derek would know only after she had left. She couldn't face him now.

"Addison, don't go," Mark's voice almost made her cringe.

"Mark," she sighed, "I have to, I have to get out of here," and she did, she was tired.  
"What happened, what did he do to you, talk to me please," he was clearly desperate and she toyed with telling him, about her crumbling marriage, her aching heart, her sense of abandonment but pride wouldn't let her.

Mark answered his phone on his break because it was her. She and Derek were the only two who could ever reach him consistently. He hated being disturbed at work, but his breaks were his, except for them.

"Addison," he answered glad she had called him.  
"Mark I just wanted you to know I'm leaving town for a week or two," she sounded defeated and Mark instantly started fearing the worst.

"Addison, don't go," he knew he was begging but he was suddenly fearful. What did Derek do to her, why was she suddenly leaving? Was she hurt? She sounded terrible. He brought his hand over his face feeling hopeless. He didn't know how to fix what went wrong. He didn't even know what had her running.

Her surrender, she had to get out, sent his mind whirling again and he legitimately begged her to confide in him.

Addison took a deep breath, "Mark, it's between Derek and I, it's our problem."

"Problem, Addison, it's you and Derek," he knew things were off, but he didn't realize it was so bad she was ready to flee.

"Addie, you really need to stay here and work it out, you can do it, I'll help if you just let me," he prayed she would tell him.

His tone, his use of Derek's nickname and the fact that he was responding the way she knew Derek wouldn't sent her over the edge.

"Damn it Mark, I call to tell you I'm leaving for a week or so, suddenly you can't wait to be the hero," she knew she was being unfair.

Her sharp tone shocked him, but didn't deter his mission.

"Addison that's not going to work, you're not going to scare me off," she wouldn't he knew. He was tough.

"You know, you don't have any rights to our marriage, it's not yours, I'm not yours, you don't get to play Derek," she was increasing in volume.  
"What?" His voice sounded shocked and she knew her irrationality had to be coming from left field, but the fact he was acting like Derek used to act towards her was unnerving.

"I don't need you knowing every detail about my marriage, or me, or my life Mark, you don't have those rights," she wished she would just hang up, but somehow she couldn't.  
"Addison," he tried to reason with her, "you're my friend; I care about you, what happened with you and Derek?"  
She wanted to tell him, but she couldn't.

"It's not your problem Mark, really, it's just couple fighting and normal stuff," she tried reassurance.

"I know you Addison," and he did, he did know her better than she cared to admit.

"I don't need you to fix this," she snapped feeling cornered.

"Stop being so proud, you don't have to be a porcelain doll here Addison, you are human. Marriage problems are normal, but friends are here to help with this stuff, come on talk to me." He was being harsh now and she felt her defensive walls go up.  
"Doll Mark, oh that's really good. Keep going." She knew she was shouting, she knew she was embarrassed but she couldn't stop.

"Addison, stop pushing me away, you're not perfect, and no one is perfect, not even close. Admit that you're having problems fine, but then be proactive, you're running aren't you?" he realized it had to be said.  
"I don't run, I'm taking a vacation," she argued.  
"You're running because you don't want to talk to him, you didn't talk to him," he said finally.

"No I didn't," she practically snarled.  
"You have to Addison," he was firm.

"Or what, you will?" She waited and he said nothing.  
"Mark if you even think of doing that," she paused.

"You would probably be grateful," he said finally.

"Damn you to hell," she headed towards her car keys in hand.

"Let me help you, I will do whatever you need, you know that," he was offering to do what Derek would have.

"Stop being like Derek, stop pushing your way into my life, just stop it, stop being in my face, stop playing the hero, just mind your own god damn business for once," and she hung up feeling like she'd be backed into a corner and interrogated.

She drove home barely noticing the tears streaming down her face, she had to pack and make travel plans.

Once she reached the house and sat down at the table Mark's words started sinking in. She knew the whole time she was shouting at him that it was mostly because she wanted Derek back. Not physically, but emotionally, that was only going to happen if they had a heart to heart talk. So she squared her shoulders and made a cup of tea, and she waited. What would she say? Would she ask him about a family? She could beg him to take a vacation with her, or she could offer him an ultimatum, work or her. She knew in her heart that wouldn't be fair, he loved what he did just like she did. Mark wasn't the one who should have been asking. He wasn't hers, and she wasn't his. Derek was hers, or he used to be, and they needed to get back on track. Her work wasn't everything to her, she was human, just like Mark pointed out and she was alone. She needed to know Derek still cared, still wanted to make things work. Addison didn't know if he took her for granted, or if he was too busy, or maybe he was no longer enamored with her. She needed to know, for her own future's sake.

Just the she heard the door open and she braced herself.

"Addison, Addison are you home," it was her husband and he sounded beside himself with excitement.

"I'm in the kitchen," she called back finally standing up.

He was in the door seconds later flushed and grinning and she felt some of her melancholy melt at his smile.

"What happened?" It had to be good.

"I've been made the new assistant chief, when Donald retires in two years, the job is mine," he was absolutely beaming and Addison felt herself freeze.  
"That's wonderful," and she threw herself into his open arms hugging him tightly.  
"God I've wanted this forever," he whispered, "I got it Addison, I'm going to be the next chief," and all she could think about was how excited he was and how she'd just lost him all over again.


	7. No Celebration Without You

Disclaimer: No ownership, merely creativity at work. Love Addek!

Previously: Addison decides to take time off and then fights with Mark who urges her to tell Derek. Derek returns home with news.

Summary: Addison goes to celebrate with Derek, despite not being in the mood as her fears about the future grow.

Responses:

Crazy-Chica6: Yeah Mark doesn't usually give good advice does he? He really does care for her though and it's like the tough love thing I guess

Ladyforga72: Yes, angst, delightful…so easy to write with these two also, go figure.

Simbagirl: Addison's not a chicken, I swear, but she is very devoted to him despite everything and it's hard for her to imagine them doing anything that is not in a team style, they are after all AddisonandDerek.

Thanks so much for the reviews and please take a second to give me feedback at the end! It's much appreciated. Without further ado, chapter 7.

Chapter 7: No Celebration Without You

Addison pulled away from her husband, "congratulations," and she meant it.

He looked shell shocked and delighted, more so than she'd seen him in weeks. If having a happy Derek meant it was a job promotion, she'd take it.

"I think we should go out to dinner," he grinned and she raised her eyebrows.

"Derek it's getting late," she hated to burst his bubble.

"Please Addie," he was like a little kid, "I need to celebrate, let's call Mark," he headed towards the kitchen dropping his briefcase in the hallway.

"Derek," she followed him, "it really is late," but he was already on the phone.

"We're going out," he hung up and watched her face, "what is it?"

"I don't know," she didn't know why she was so hesitant, but it was all happening too fast.

"You have to come," he was begging, "Addie, I need you to celebrate this with me, you're my wife, it wouldn't be right without you, I wouldn't even be celebrating without you."

Although in a way she wasn't convinced that was true, in typical Derek Shepard style he'd melted her. Cursing him silently she nodded managing a smile. He was right, she was his wife, and in a traditional sense she was supposed to take joy in his accomplishments, not as her own, but to witness his achievements.

"I'll go get ready, where are we going?"  
"Marlow's" a nice restaurant, one that was not fit for her ambivalent mood.  
"I'll be down in a minute," she was dressed nicely at the moment, but still in work clothes and she felt tired and out of sorts.  
"You have twenty minutes before we have to leave," he shouted up behind her and she didn't bother to respond.

Once in their room she slowly sat down on the bed wondering where her nerves went. She had been meaning to talk to him about their entire future, and he came home with news that once again changed their future. The ball was back in his court again, well actually maybe not. She could serve it back, keep playing the game, or she could hold onto it and wait for him to be caught unprepared. Addison wasn't a devious woman; rather she was quite honest and forthright, especially with Derek. That was something Mark liked to point out. She sighed remember the fight with Mark the other night, there was no way this was going to go well. He was going to realize she had put off the conversation with Derek, she wasn't even supposed to be here.

"Derek," she called down.

"You ready yet?" His voice drifted up.  
"What did Mark say," she hesitated unsure of how to ask her obvious question.

"He congratulated me and told me he'd be happy to help celebrate," Derek was not helping.

She realized there was nothing she could do about the entire situation in this moment and she wanted to let Derek have his night.

Addison pulled open her closet doors; Marlow's, a nice spiffy restaurant, the kind Derek usually despised and she loved. What a switch.

Suddenly a flash of jealousy went through her entire being, Derek was going to be pulling further away and even though it was petty, she had to compete. It wasn't another woman; she chuckled softly at the irony, but a job, a career, one that they had shared for so long. Maybe she could make herself noticed by dressing up in a daring outfit.

Addison examined her dresses critically, no time for a shower, but she could still be dolled up. New York usually called for black; she had many stunning cleavage baring black dresses. However tonight she was feeling dangerous, tonight she wanted to dress to impress. She wanted to be noticed, by Derek.

She pulled a daring red dress from the hanger, it was strapless, somewhat unusual for her, and before she could change her mind she quickly slipped it on. Addison examined her reflection critically, oh yes it was as good as she remembered, emphasizing her slim frame up top and hugging her waist and hips accentuating her long legs that Derek used to love to watch. Maybe he would show her off tonight.

She quickly twisted up her red hair leaving a few tendrils around her ears, fastened on subtle gold earrings and her tiny delicate pearl necklace, she looked good. Gold high heeled shoes, a red bag and a delicate shawl, all set. Now she just needed her husband to zip up the dress.

Derek was about to shout up to her again when he heard footsteps and she appeared at the top of the stairs. His thoughts about his new job fled and he was speechless.

Addison felt a small flash of victory seeing his eyes widen.

"Is this okay," she knew it was.

"Nice choice," he approved.

"Zip me up," she descended gracefully turned in front of him so he could do the zipper.

They left together and drove in silence to the restaurant; she was slightly disappointed he hadn't said anything else to her.

Mark was waiting out front and she saw his eyebrows shoot up when she climbed out. Sending him a warning glare she let Derek escort her into the building.

Once they were seated and had placed their orders, the conversation turned to Derek's new promotion and the responsibilities he would get to have leading up to being chief. Addison focused on the topic, but found herself feeling suffocated by it at the same time.

She excused herself to run to the bathroom and after getting a drink she returned to the table hoping it would relax her.

To her surprise Derek wasn't there.

"Where is he," she sat reluctantly wondering why she had to end up alone with Mark.

"Important phone call," Mark didn't elaborate.

"Oh," she could think of nothing to say.  
"Aren't you supposed to be on a plane," that bitter tone.

"Yes," she didn't give him any satisfaction, let him ask.

"You didn't talk to him did you?" Mark didn't ask why she didn't go, but rather went back to the whole confronting Derek aspect, double damn.

"No, he came home excited about the job," she paused.  
"And you couldn't bear to burst his bubble," sarcasm from Mark wasn't unheard of, but she was surprised by the almost sardonic tone.

"It's his night," she defended her husband.

"Apparently that's a running line, God Addison you sound like a broken record, it might as well be his night every night, his marriage all the time, where are you in it anymore anyway?"

She wanted to hit him and she saw red, red like her dress. Just then Derek returned and eyed them curiously.

"Sorry, it was the hospital, what's going on." He was detecting tension.  
Mark covered for them, "I was asking Addie to dance and she's trying to resist."  
Addison again was tempted to let her fury rage but realized that now was not the time.

"Go dance," Derek urged her and her heart cracked slightly, Derek loved to dance. She wanted him to ask her to dance. Mark was offering his hand to her and she had no choice.

"Damn you," she hissed letting him lead her onto the floor.

"I get to show you off, shouldn't he be doing this?" Mark was determined to rub it in and Addison fell silent unwilling to let her emotions show to the bastard again.

Mark was surprised she didn't respond and felt her surrender to his hold. Concerned he pulled back to look at her face, but she lowered her eyes refusing to meet his.

"Oh Addie, I'm sorry," he finally said softly and she did look at him eyes flashing.

"I told you NOT to call me that," she said through clenched teeth and he cursed his error.

"I'm sorry," he apologized again and she said nothing in response.

"May I," Derek suddenly appeared beside them and Mark felt her relief.

He stepped back letting the two of them continue moving to the bar for another drink.

Addison leaned into Derek and although she knew his mind was on other things she was grateful to be in his arms, even for a minute.

When the song ended he smiled at her, "I got to show you off after all, see there's no reason to worry, Mark doesn't have a thing on me, he doesn't get to see you in the red dress, or without the red dress," and she felt a slight blush on her cheeks.

He led her back to the table where Mark was and Addison avoided his gaze for the rest of the evening. Once they returned home Derek flopped on the bed still fully dressed gazing at the ceiling.

"What," Addison watched him carefully.

"This changes everything," a glow was still on his face and Addison forced herself to smile as she nodded, privately she lamented that things would change, and probably not for the better.


	8. Can Wounds this Deep Heal?

Study break with Addek! Thanks for the reviews everyone, it means a lot to me as I finish up the term under annoying academic pressure. Keeps the plot bunny plotting and usual disclaimer applies, just creativity.

Crazy-chica6: I know, I actually feel the same way. He did appreciate her dressing up and of course she's always stunning, he's just a little bit stupid sometimes.

Simbagirl: Depending on my mood, you may have to wait a while.

Goldentail: Thanks, that's very kind of you to say, that is one of the hardest things I feel about writing these is getting the characters close to how everyone else sees them so it feels realistic.

Previously:

Addison found out about Derek's promotion and dressed up to impress him. They celebrated with Mark and once again Mark called Addison on her relationship status with Derek. Addison hides how she feels from Derek.

Summary: Addison is deeply hurt by her husband's attitude

Chapter 8: Can Wounds This Deep Heal?

Addison groaned hearing the shower turn on, Derek was up early. She barely fell back to sleep before the door opened and her husband began prowling around the room getting ready.

"Derek," she mumbled protesting.

"Sorry baby," he sounded distracted.

"What's wrong," she pulled her head out of the soft pillow to stare at him.

"I have to talk to the chief about my duties and the next board meeting and management details," he sounded cheerful despite looking stressed.

"Derek, I mean you aren't in the job yet, he offered it to you," she pointed out and he glanced at her meeting her eyes.

"Exactly, the job is now clearly mine, I need to start getting up to speed," he snapped his watch on with a definitive sound.

"But Derek, I mean we haven't really talked about the consequences of this and you even taking the job, what that'll mean," she felt bad dampening his excitement, but they hadn't discussed it.

"Addie, I thought you were in favor of this," he looked somewhat perturbed.

"Well obviously I'm happy for you and proud of you," she asserted, "but taking the job is another step beyond that, it has consequences for us."

Looking at him she suddenly started to feel queasy.

"Addison, I took the job," he had stopped getting ready for work by this point and was watching her carefully.

Addison couldn't even think, she couldn't process and her brain went into overdrive. He hadn't said he'd officially accepted last night, or had she missed it? Why hadn't he told her, why hadn't he asked her?

"Addison," her full name, she snapped to the present.

"Addison, this is my dream, to be the chief of surgery at this hospital, there is no greater honor, no greater position or vindication of my life. I was born to have this job, I can do it, I'm good at what I do and I need challenges Addie, you know that, this is what's next. This is right for me I can feel it, I thought as my wife you'd understand that more than anymore and support me in it," confusion was evident in the last part.

She couldn't say anything; she didn't know how to start, where to argue first, if she should cry, scream, try to reason with him.

Meanwhile he was still talking "Addison, I accepted this offer because it's so perfect, it's the next great thing in my career," he smiled stepping closer to her, "I know it's a big deal, but it's my chance to establish myself on another level."

She wondered why she'd been putting up with his self-centered crap for so long, so he could reach the top and ignore her completely.

"Married to the chief, now that means you can try any risky procedure and do any amazing medical miracles you want without consequence," he was teasing her and she hated him for it.

"I have to go, I'll see you tonight" and he kissed her forehead dashing out leaving her almost gasping for breath and dismayed at the outcomes of the morning already.

Addison had always been prone to panic attacks, but she hadn't had one in a while. Her stomach twisted and her throat closed up as she raced for the bathroom. Derek was the one who would always sit with her until she calmed down, but he was gone again and she didn't want to be alone, nor did she want to call 911. She vomited twice violently into the toilet bowl and then crumpled on the floor in a ball. She felt hysterical, her husband had just accepted a life changing position without consulting her, worse even he did it assuming she would support it because of his achievement and uncaring of the impact it would have on them. What happened to their teamwork, to their unity, and to their partnership? Derek wasn't always this person, but when he was, god he made Addison feel invisible. As a doctor with her own specialty that she was good at and well known for, and as a confident woman with striking good looks, Addison resented that the man she loved more than life was the only one with the ability to make her feel like a lesser person.

Addison needed someone in that moment to help her process and she wobbled out to the bedroom picking up her cell phone with shaky hands and hit speed dial four.

"Addison," Mark's cool voice came over the line, they hadn't said good bye or spoken the night before at the end of dinner, she'd avoided eye contact with him entirely after dancing with him, and then Derek.  
"Mark I need, it's, I'm having a, can you please," her voice was thick with tears and she was almost choking for air.

"God Addison, what happened, are you okay, where are you?" His heart almost stopped hearing her broken and fragmented words, she sounded like she was almost hysterical.  
"Home, Derek he went to work, I can't breathe," and he knew. Mark knew she had panic attacks; he'd witnessed the beginning of one once, and knew they were rare, but if she was alone right now going through this it would just get worse, not to mention that something clearly something set her off and that would need to be sorted out at the same time.

"I'm on my way," and he was out the door intent on getting to her as soon as possible.

Addison felt another urge to vomit and staggered back to the bathroom.

Mark arrived in record time and used his key to get through the door flying up the stairs into her bedroom, he panicked not seeing her and then heard sobs from the bathroom; He found her curled up on the floor in the bathroom hyperventilating.

"Oh sweetie," and he was next to her holding her to him as tightly as he could. Mark quickly placed her in front of him resting her upper body against his chest and pressed his hand over her racing heart.

"Addie, honey you have to breathe with me," he prayed she would respond.

She felt his large chest moving in and out slowly and focused desperately on the warmth and strength and steady nature of his breathing.

Eventually she felt her own breathing slow and she let out a shaky breath as the tears welled up. Mark helped her up but she was incredibly weak and stumbled, then suddenly he unexpectedly picked her tired frame up in his arms bringing her to the bed; he placed her in it, pulled the covers up and spooned himself behind her on top of the covers.

"Sweetie what happened, did Derek do something?" he was afraid to ask.

She shook her head unwilling to paint Derek out to be the bastard he would seem in Mark's eyes if she told him.

"You can tell me you know, you need to talk to someone," Mark whispered and she hesitated.  
"Mark I'll tell you on one condition," she waited.

"Okay," he sounded suspicious.

"You can't talk to Derek about this," and she was silent.

"Fine," Mark acquiesced because he needed to know what happened

"Mark, promise," she urged him and he nodded against her.

"I promise Addison," he was firm and gentle as he reassured her.

"He," she choked on a sob, "he accepted the job Mark, without talking to me."

"What do you mean," he needed clarification.

"He's already accepted it, he never asked me about it, and even thinks I should support him because it's right for him," her voice trailed off.

"Did he say that," Mark wanted to punch his best friend for being so arrogant.  
"Mark," her tone was tired.  
"Sorry," he wasn't really, but he had to say it to pacify her "did he really say that?"  
"Yes," she whispered it.

"Addison, you need to do something here, this needs to change," he finally said.

"I know, I can't think about it right now, I don't know where to begin," and she was already exhausted.

"Shush, just relax," he murmured and waited until her body went slack with the onset of sleep.

He then stood and carefully pressed his lips to her temple.

"Mark," she mumbled and he hesitated.  
"Thank you for coming, I wasn't sure if," and he cut her off rapidly.  
"I'll always come for you Addison, don't ever think otherwise" and he left her to slumber away the trauma of the past hours.

He drove straight to the hospital and sat in his car, god he wanted to yell at Derek. Addison was clearly amazing and Mark hated to see his two friends, his favorite perfect couple at such odds. He knew Derek wasn't a vain man by nature, but he also was aware that career driven Derek was in control now. Addison loved this Derek too, but she had never before been at the brunt of his obsession. Mark knew Addison did want children, knew that she wanted to be a wife to her husband that she needed Derek. He clenched his fists around the steering wheel and groaned…he wanted to shake his best friend. It wasn't every day that someone like Addison came around. She was special, beautiful, funny, talented, intelligent, sharp, everything. She was Derek's and he knew that Addison would be broken hearted if she left him, but he also knew a war was raging inside her. She had no idea what to do and no wife should have to make a choice between her well-being and her marriage.

He glared at hospital wishing Derek could feel his wrath ready to explode and he reached for the door handle before he dropped his head and let out a defeated sigh.

He'd promised Addison he wouldn't talk to Derek and she had already had enough disappointment with people not listening to her. With that in mind he swallowed his anger and determination and got out to walk to the nearest bar for a drink, a very necessary distraction.

Reviews make me happy happy!!!


	9. Suffocating in Empty Open Space

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't updated a bit more recently, really four more days of academic torture. Thanks for all the awesome reviews! Usual disclaimers apply.

Xyliette: Thanks and yes those attacks are scary. Derek is usually there for her, and Mark doesn't know much about them. However it is just another instance in their marital rift.

Tani.vs.Cid: Hi thanks for reading! I'd like to punch him too : )

Simbagirl: Yep he is displaying distinct a like traits. He isn't always like this, but he is a workaholic with a God-like complex.

Crazy-chica6: I understand nervousness, really. However Mark is currently standing in even if Addison herself isn't totally convinced. She'd rather it be Derek always, but Mark is there and Derek is not.

Kategreysfan: Thanks very much! Enjoy the chapter

Goldentail: Oh you never know what the future will actually hold ; )

Previously: Addison received a nasty shock from Derek who accepted the job without her and had a panic attack. She calls Mark and he comes without hesitation, urging her to make changes in her life. Addison begs him not to talk to Derek and Mark, out of respect for her, agrees.

Summary: Addison takes steps so she can figure out what the future holds

Chapter 9: Suffocating in empty open space

Addison Shepard was not vengeful, she didn't plan people's destruction and even those she didn't like still received her best wishes for a happy life. Ironic perhaps then that Derek was proving to be a distinct challenge for her personality. She was surrounded in NY by people, her job, and friends, but she was suffocating in her marriage. Derek was so far gone and he didn't seem to be looking behind him to see if she was still there. Maybe she should take another path for a while, try and find her own breath again. When Derek had been out of reach and also the cause of her attack, she realized that her life was too wrapped up in him, and without him she didn't know who she really was. DerekandAddison needed some serious reflection.

The phone had been in front of her for at least ten minutes with her hand finding itself on the handle, and then on her lap again. This was not a hard phone call really, she was just going on a needed vacation after all, but for Addison it signaled a need for change and something she had never really considered, leaving her husband.

It was her day off and the house was eerie and silent. Finally she picked up the receiver and made the call.

"Hello," hearing Naomi's voice made Addison smile in spite of herself.

"Nae, it's Addison," she waited.

"Oh my goodness, Addison, it's so good to hear from you! It's been so long," and Addison's eyes welled up with tears, yes she had missed her friend.

"To what do I owe this pleasure," Naomi waited.

"Can you stand company for a couple of weeks," Addison asked finally and had to hold the phone away from her ear when Naomi began shrieking.

Once there was no amplified noise coming out Addison replaced the phone to her ear giggling.

"Oh Addie, I'm sorry about your ear," Naomi realized, "it's just I feel like a little kid again," and Addison knew what she meant.

"Give me your flight details," Naomi urged and Addison laughed again at her enthusiasm.

"I haven't booked it yet," she told her and Naomi sighed.

"Go do it now, send me the details, I'll see you at the airport, go."

"Okay," Addison had almost replaced the phone when she heard Naomi's voice.

"Is Derek coming?"

She groaned and answered finally, "He's just been promoted so he's stressed and busy doing that," it was true.

"Girl time then," clearly Naomi had no stake in her answer and Addison was relieved, LA was going to be good for her.

Maybe there she could figure out how to talk to Derek, but she should call Mark first.

His voicemail picked up which meant he was in surgery so she took a deep breathe and raced through what she had to say.

"Mark, hi it's Addison, I just wanted to thank you again for coming over yesterday, it meant a lot. I know I need to talk to Derek, but I just can't yet because I don't know what I want to say. So I'm going away for two weeks on a real vacation and when I come back I'll be ready to make decisions so that things will change. He's my husband Mark, I can't just make a rash decision here, it's our life that is up for debate and I need to feel confident I'm doing the best thing possible for me, him and us. See you in a few weeks."

She didn't tell him her destination.

Addison sat at the table, now to tell Derek. Her boss knew she was considering this, but she and Derek hadn't talked really in weeks. She decided to pack first and then in a moment of concern realized that it would look more like she was leaving him if she did it in the house and Addison wasn't ready to go there yet even symbolically.

She got in her car wrapping her coat around her and drove to work. The nurse looked surprised, "Dr. Shepard, I thought this was your day off," she smiled.

"It is, but I need to talk to my husband, is he in surgery?"

The nurse shook her head, "filling out some charts I think," and Addison made her way down the hall.

"Derek," he looked up hearing his name and studied his wife, she looked tired and frustrated but she was still beautiful.

"Hey," he said putting down his pen grateful for the distraction, work was getting more hectic.

"Derek you remember Naomi," she waited and was relieved to see him nod almost immediately.  
"We haven't seen her or Sam for a while," he pointed out sadly.

"I know, that's why I decided to go catch up with her, them really, it's time for me to have a vacation and I know you're really busy with work, I won't be gone that long." She wondered if Derek was going to get upset she was leaving without him.  
He raised his eyebrows, "a vacation without me," he sounded resigned.

"Yeah," she felt bad, "it just seems…" she couldn't finish and he nodded in understanding.

"It'll be good for you two to hang out, you've always been thick as thieves," and there was the Derek Shepard smile.

"Yeah," she wanted him to be upset, but it was good they weren't going to fight.

"Have a good time then," he was genuine in that wish and she smiled at him wishing she could blurt out how miserable she was these days.

Instead she leaned in subtly and hoped he would pick up on it, he did and dutifully kissed her check.

He pulled back and hesitated staring at her then he pushed a piece of hair behind her ear and leaned in gently kissing her on the lips.

"Have a safe trip, call me when you get there," he requested and she nodded.

Just then his pager went off and he glanced down, "911, I have to go," he kissed her quickly one last time and was gone.

Addison felt tired now, more so than before. She wasn't sure what she expected him to do or say, he could be so easy going, but she had hoped he might express some disappointment that he couldn't go. It also sounded like he wasn't going to make it home to see her off.

Addison squared her shoulders and marched out of the hospital, but hearing her name she stopped and turned. It was Mark. Great, she watched him running towards her bracing herself for another hostile encounter.

"Mark, I have a flight to catch," she informed him and he nodded

"I just wanted to say that I hope you have a good time and figure things out Addie, Addison," he hastily corrected himself, "you deserve to be happy."  
She felt a surge of gratefulness, Mark always looked out for her, he might have been Derek's brother, but he always made sure she was taken care of.

Impulsively she stepped towards him and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips, barely touching him, "thank you for everything," and she was in her car driving away. Mark sighed watching her leave, all hell could break loose when she got back, or maybe in the end Derek would realize what he stood to lose.

Addison quickly packed a non-work like wardrobe into her suitcase, summer clothes that she was sure were out of fashion, but her last vacation had been well too long ago to remember. She then carefully put in her shoes and make-up and sunglasses, this was going to be such fun. She eyed the picture on the dresser of her and Derek. It was a formal wedding portrait, but one where they were looking at each other, not at the camera, how had they been so happy once? Addison felt tears coming to the surface again; her hormones were clearly making her emotional, damn being a woman. She realized it was time to call a cab, she had about twenty minutes. After that she found herself staring at their bed, perfectly made, the room looked as though it hadn't been lived in, maybe that was partly true. Their lives were lived at the hospital.

Finally she picked up her purse and made her way downstairs suddenly wishing Derek was driving her to the airport, or at least there to say goodbye. Whenever they traveled separately, for conferences and the like, usually it was just simple and matter of fact, but not for a long vacation, this was different.

She left him a note,

"Derek, take care of yourself while you're learning the ropes, I'll be back in two weeks, I left my travel information in the study by the computer, and I'll call you when I get there. Love A"

She glanced around her quiet and tidy elegant house. It was home, when they moved in years ago she had pictured children running on the steps, a life where careers were important, but came second. That hadn't happened, that life was slowly disappearing and she had no idea how to get it back.

Addison heard the cab horn and walked out the door.

"Is this it," the cab driver gestured to her suitcase and she nodded thanking him as he put it in the trunk. She locked her door feeling tinges of regret, then she walked down the steps and climbed into the cab, the driver shut the door and this time the tears fell. She wiped them away catching the driver's look of concern.

"Are you alright," he looked worried.

"I'm fine," she told him and kept repeating it to herself, she was fine.

It was time for her to go clear her head.


	10. Miles Apart

Hi everyone! Thanks for the reviews, please do continue to give input, it's exciting to get and helpful in creating new ideas of how to torture our favorite couple.

Cowboys-and-coffee: Mark and Derek do need to chat, but Derek is pretty consumed and Mark is more worried about Addison. Plus she asked him to stay out of it at least at this point and he's trying to respect her while knowing that talking to Derek is something she should really do.

GMG: Glad you found it! Hope you keep reading : )

Simbagirl: I've made Derek out to be a bigger jerk than I originally meant to, however I think at some point I'll be able to give them a few minutes of goodness. It's just that he's pretty out there and needs a wake-up call. He will get it eventually, way down the road.

Crazy-chica6: We shall see : ) And about the Mark kiss, yes I wrote it, but as far as it meaning anything, it's not entirely clear to either one of them, and hence not clear to me. It was relatively unromantic, but I suppose a kiss is a kiss. Just using the tension where they do care about each other, Mark is worried and maybe even has feelings for her, and he's there, but she loves Derek, I like confusion!

KateGreysFan: Here ya go! Enjoy and keep reading

Previously: Addison leaves to clear her head.

Summary: Addison finds a respite, but is still forced to confront some hard truths

Chapter 10: Miles Apart

"Addison!" Her friend was jumping up and down waving frantically.

"Naomi," Addison felt her friends' arms surround her and gave a small sigh of relief, she was finally there.

"You have a good trip?" Her friend grabbed her bags and Addison followed her to the little red convertible.

"It was fine," she hesitated, "I'm so glad to be here, Thanks Naomi."  
"Are you serious? It's my pleasure to entertain," Naomi grinned getting into the driver's seat.

Addison sat quietly listening to Naomi chat on and on about the Oceanside Wellness Center and the various clients who came to get their lives back on track and "get away."

That's what I'm doing, Addison realized, she was getting away to get her life back.

They pulled up to a beach house and Naomi ushered Addison inside, "Sam and I are actually separated," she said softly, "but he's just down the beach, and we still work together."

Addison was shocked, "oh Naomi!" She had no idea.

"It's okay Addie, you've been busy and things are almost the same as they were, we even still bicker," she grinned.  
"You seem okay," Addison observed and received an enthusiastic nod.

"You know it's weird, as soon as we separated, it became like we were friends again," Naomi shrugged and bustled into the kitchen, "I have mostly all natural food here, I hope you aren't craving junk food," she threw a smile over her shoulder.

Addison gave a small sigh of happiness, "I haven't had a home-cooked meal in a while, mostly good take-out," she stepped over to Naomi's side.  
"I think we're going to make a girls' night out of this," Naomi proposed, "I'll whip us up some dinner, you go relax."  
Addison stared at her in shock, "Naomi, I did not come all the way out here to have you wait on me," she protested.  
"Please, you're cooking tomorrow, but you just got here, and you look really tired," Naomi was already pulling out vegetables and Addison sighed.

"Okay, I'll be back in a few minutes," she headed for the stairs with her bags.

"Take your time," her friend's voice followed her, "you're the second bedroom on the left."

Addison reached the second room and found a smile creeping across her face, it was facing the ocean and the balcony door was open. She stepped outside and inhaled the salty air; oh this was exactly what she needed. If only Derek was there with her. She shook her head hastily, no; this was her trip, hers alone. However, she did have a call to make.

"You made it," he actually answered.

"Hi," she suddenly felt inexplicably shy.

"Is everything okay," he sounded concerned and she smiled hearing his voice change.  
"It's fine, it is so beautiful here Derek," she went again to the window.

"They have a beach house and my room looks out over the ocean," she waited for a response.

"That's great Addie, listen I have a meeting in a few minutes, I have to go," he sounded distracted and she sighed inwardly.

"Good luck," she said finally, "I love you."  
"Love you too babe, bye," and he hung up.

She threw the phone down on the bed and plopped down.

Addison didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Here she was on a vacation with her best friend for two weeks in a beach house and all she thinks about was how her husband wasn't here with her, he wasn't really with her at all anymore. She put her face in her hands fighting the tears, she had to be strong. What happened to her? Derek Shepard happened, damn Derek with his charming words, looks and just him. Addison slowly unpacked her suitcase and headed for the shower. The water ran down her body and she let the tears come, finally, she realized dinner was almost ready and she climbed out wrapping herself in a fluffy white towel.

She padded back across the room and threw on a light dress, not bothering to brush her hair; she headed barefoot downstairs to the heavenly smells of cooking.

"Stir fry," Naomi responded to her questioning look and Addison grinned.

"Wine is in the fridge," Naomi offered and Addison poured two glasses while Naomi served up the food.  
They ate on the deck overlooking the ocean and Addison closed her eyes enjoying the peace and quiet.

"So what's really going on with you and Derek?" There she was, back in reality again.

Addison hesitated, "it's just marriage stuff," she responded lamely.

"Oh Addison, I'm your best friend, what happened?" Naomi had a sympathetic look in her eyes.

"I'm thinking of leaving him," it was the first time she'd said anything out loud like that and her friend's gasp didn't make it any easier.

"What?!" Naomi just stared and then recovered as quickly as she could.

"I know, it's just we're not really a team anymore," she finally explained.

"What did he do," Naomi could be like Mark.

Addison shrugged, "it's our entire marriage Nae, and it's just gone. There's nothing there anymore."

"God Addison, the way he looks at you," her friend protested.

"Looked," it hurt to correct her, but Addison did it anyway.

"What?" she detected the confusion in Naomi's voice.

"He doesn't see me anymore, he doesn't care that his choices impact me too," Addison took a deep breath and told Naomi about the job promotion, Derek's distantness, everything.

"Oh Addie, I'm so sorry, he never seemed like the type," Naomi grabbed her friend's hand as Addison fought another round of tears.

"I know, but career Derek is like that and usually I was right with him, but now," Addison hesitated, "I want a family Naomi, I want a baby," she felt embarrassed.

"And he's consumed by work, which makes that difficult," Naomi concluded.  
"Yeah, he sees his job as the next step for him, the thing he's worked so hard for and I get that," she was feeling frustrated, "I feel if I don't support him, I'm not a good wife, but he's being unfair to me."

"He is," Naomi agreed, "but you have to talk to him Addison."  
"Mark's been telling me that," Addison mused.  
"Mark?" Her friend's eyebrows rose.

"Mark, Derek's friend," Addison clarified.  
"Addie," Naomi sounded suspicious.

Addison felt a blush spread, "no Naomi! It's not like that!"

"Are you sure?" Naomi wasn't teasing, she was genuinely concerned.  
"Mark has just really been such a good friend while Derek's been so distant," Addison sighed, "I hate that Derek isn't doing his part in our marriage, but Mark is just there when I need someone."  
"Addie, I know you're feeling alone, but honestly I'll tell you, I feel better that you're here and not there leaning on Mark. That seems like it could be a bad idea."

Addison knew Naomi was just looking out for her and she groaned, "I promise there's nothing going on."  
"Just be careful," Naomi decided to let it rest and Addison nodded in response.

They ate mostly in silence after that and Naomi stood.  
"I'll do dishes," Addison stood and Naomi looked like she was going to protest and then assented.

Addison felt like a housewife for one of the first times in her life, she couldn't really remember the last time she'd cleaned up a kitchen.

She climbed the stairs it was early still, but she was looking forward to a walk on the beach. As she was putting on a sweater her phone started ringing and it was Mark.

"Mark," she answered.  
"How's LA," he asked.

"How did you know?" she waited.  
"Lucky guess," he responded.  
She hesitated, "Mark, I appreciate you calling to check up on me, but I'm here to get some time for myself and just be away from everything," she felt terrible.

"Even me," he finished her thought.

"I just need some air," and she did.

He perhaps remembered her panic attack at the same moment, "I'll see you in a few weeks Addison, have a good time, relax and enjoy yourself, but stay out of trouble," his teasing tone made her grin.

"Okay, I will, see you soon," she hung up and quietly walked down the steps and out the door onto the beach.

The moon was shining and there was a gentle wind blowing. Addison felt the sand under her feet as she walked towards the water. She stopped at the edge waiting for the water to come up to her as she stared into the horizon.  
Here life seemed simple, her husband, her friends, and her job were thousands of miles away. She hated to admit how refreshing that was, but she knew they would be waiting for her and she was here to figure out things.

First and foremost there was Derek, her husband who was distinctly failing in the vows he'd made to her years ago. However just because he wasn't the ideal, by a long shot right now, didn't mean she didn't love him, not at all. She also knew he loved her, but he wasn't that Derek now. He was someone else and she didn't know how to get him back.

A divorce made her sick and she couldn't even really imagine a separation, on the other hand Naomi and Sam were making it work. Addison and Derek were easily able to be financially independent. She could move out, find a new place for a bit, they'd still see each other. She wondered if Derek would even notice the difference. She could hope, but maybe not.

Then there was Mark, Mark who was so good to her, she didn't love him, but still, he was definitely a few points up on Derek considering the last few weeks.

She hadn't told Derek about her panic attack, she couldn't. Somehow explaining it, telling him about Mark, everything, and it wasn't going to happen.

So now she was left with choices, choices she didn't want to make.

Addison realized it was getting later and she was tired from the jet lag. She got ready for bed and curled up wishing not for the first time that Derek was here with her.

She woke up to the smell of coffee and headed downstairs feeling out of sorts.

"Morning sunshine," Naomi grinned at her and Addison groaned

"What's wrong," her friend glanced at her.  
"Jet lag," Addison mumbled, "I feel all confused."

Her friend sighed, "Let's go the center and Pete will treat you to acupuncture."

Addison raised her eyebrows, "right?"

"Seriously you'll feel great after, get changed," her friend urged and Addison decided it was easier to obey.

They arrived and after introductions Naomi called, "Pete."  
The handsome man turned towards them and Addison was forced to remind herself that she was married.

"I have a friend here who could really use some natural love," Naomi tilted her head and Pete nodded.

"Right this way," and Addison found herself on a table with needles in her head.

"You'll feel a rush of emotions, you've got a lot of tension," he looked down at her.

"Um," she hesitated and then suddenly he was gone.  
"Wait!" she heard nothing.

"Damn it," she swore out loud, needles? Oh if only Mark or Derek could see her now.

Suddenly tears began to well up and soon she was bawling.

Twenty minutes later he was back and gently removed the needles.

She sat up and just looked at him, "that was interesting," there weren't other words.

"How do you feel," he had to notice her red eyes.  
"Tired, but good," she admitted.  
"Naomi's outside," he informed her helping her down.

"Thanks Pete," she smiled and he gave her a slight nod, "anytime."

Naomi stood, "so?"

"Relaxing," Addison refused to elaborate but her friend just grinned.

"He's a magic man," she finally said shaking her head.

"Okay okay, can we just leave it?" Addison felt herself getting annoyed.

"Sure, what are you making for dinner," Naomi led the way to the car.

"Steak," Addison said and Naomi stared at her.

"What, I can make a steak," she said defensively.

"Uh Addison?" Naomi was trying not to laugh.

"Believe it or not, my dad taught me and Derek and I used to share duties at summer picnics," she said proudly.

"Fine, just make sure my house is standing," Naomi said well naturedly and Addison got to work preparing the marinara.

Suddenly she felt an unexplainable whooshing sensation in her head and gripped the counter to steady her body.

"Addie?" Naomi glanced at her.  
"I don't know about those needles," Addison muttered.

"Oh my god," Naomi was staring at her.

"What, I know I look terrible," Addison felt really queasy suddenly.  
"Are you pregnant?" Her friend's eyes were big as saucers

"Please," Addison laughed sarcastically, "my husband and I are barely talking."  
"And in the last six weeks you haven't had desperate reconnection sex?" Naomi did know them well.

"No, we haven't since," and Addison fell silent slowly adding up in her head.

"Oh god," she whispered.

Nice long chapter for you all, well at least for me. Remember reviews make me very happy ; ) hehe, evil cackle


	11. Everything Changes

GMG: Thanks for reviewing! Sorry you had to wait. I blame too many essays

Crazy-chica6: Naomi is awesome, and Derek, well you'll see I guess…

KateGreysFan: I apologize for not providing you with timely procrastination material, however I too faced academia. Here is the next chapter, enjoy!

Simbagirl: Yep, Addek babies are amazing. Or they would have been. Shaking sense into Derek? Oh well we will see. I'm not inclined to do that yet myself and because he is mine (for creative uses here) I say soon, but not yet.

Cowboys-and-coffee: Not the best time true, but in some senses, possibly the best?

Thanks again for the reviews everyone and please keep it up, it makes me very happy. Also creative disclaimer applies.

Previously: Addison enjoys herself in LA, meets Naomi's friends, misses Derek and suddenly realizes one night that she might be pregnant.

Summary: Addison is forced to consider all options and realizes that something has to change now.

Chapter 11: Everything Changes

"Addison?" Naomi looked concerned.

Addison stood there shaking her head and thinking over and over when the last time her and Derek had actually, no it had been the right amount of time, and no they hadn't used protection, and that would explain everything.

"Naomi?" She felt like she was croaking.

"I'll run and get you a home pregnancy test," her friend bolted out the door and Addison stumbled up to her room going out onto the balcony almost gasping for breath. She had been so stressed with Derek's recent news and then she just hadn't thought about it.

"Oh god," the enormity of the situation was sinking in, a baby. She had wanted this so damn badly, but right now was not what she was expecting.

She cursed herself for not talking to Derek before she left. What about his reaction? Addison walked inside and sank onto her bed feeling weak. She was barely on speaking terms with Derek, and now they could be parents. As scared as she was, the thought of a little child in Derek's arms made her smile. Then she remembered how preoccupied he'd been, how easily pulled into work he could be. She hated that this wasn't the happiest moment of her life, aside from her wedding day. She should be rejoicing.

Just then Naomi came into the room and held out the test.  
Even though she was a neonatal expert, Addison took it silently. She went into the bathroom and followed the instructions like a robot. Then she came out and sat down on the bed with the test on the table next to her. Naomi slowly eased onto the bed and put her arm around Addison.

"It might be negative," she said.

Addison nodded, but in her heart she knew she was pregnant. She glanced at her watch but couldn't bring herself to look at the test.

"What is Derek going to say," anything to avoid looking.

"Well he isn't going to say anything if the test is negative, and you need to look to determine that," her friend reminded her and Addison shuddered.

"I can't look, you do it," so Naomi did and there was a long silence. Finally Addison looked up and saw Naomi's small smile.  
"Well," she demanded.

"Congratulations," her friend was beaming and Addison rose to her feet shakily.

Naomi pulled her close in a hug, "I'm so happy for you Addie!"

"Thanks," Addison nodded composing herself, "me too."  
"Really?" she knew she was being studied.

"Yes, this is a good thing, it's hard, but it's good," she had to lie in that moment; her thoughts were still too frantic, too raw.

"I'm going to go make us a feast," Naomi vanished and Addison hurriedly threw away the test. She didn't want to see it; it was almost as though it was mocking her and her marriage.

"We can create a baby, but we can't even talk like two friends anymore," she said it aloud wondering if there was any significance to that statement. Not really.

She then slowly placed her hand on her stomach, she wished again that Derek was there watching this. It would be so different if she and Derek were really together, if he wasn't going to be chief soon. He was already lost to her; she didn't know how much further away he could possibly get. Her thoughts darted like a waterbug and she found herself remembering the endless conversations as their careers started up about the time when they would take a break, be content with their achievements, and start a family. Surgeries of impressive complication drew Derek to them, and her own specialty was so rewarding that Addison could often forget she wasn't the one who would get to hold the baby at the end of everything.

Now though, she was going to get to hold the baby. Addison knew the moment she did the math in the kitchen that there would be no abortion. She loved Derek so much it hurt, but she could never get rid of the baby. Could she be a single mom? Would that be the best thing for the baby? She was well off; she could even retire easily enough right now and be a full time mom. A smile flickered across her face, just her and her little baby. That image, of them in a park, having birthday parties at the circus, vanished as she thought again of Derek.

Instead of seeing him as intruding she saw him holding the baby, singing songs to it, teaching the boy, or girl, how to play baseball, going to the track to watch racecars, going to school for the first time, or admonishing a son about the dangers of not using protection, while with a daughter he'd merely interrogate every male that was not himself or Mark that came through the door. If Mark was about twenty years younger, Addison privately thought he'd be on Derek's hate list.

She could see all of these scenes. She could picture just her, but then the two of them raising the baby made her want to save her marriage, make it even stronger. Maybe this baby was a real blessing. Addison wasn't sure.  
"Addie, dinner," Naomi's voice startled her and she made her way downstairs.

"I know you can't drink, but we'll celebrate anyway we can," her friend was clearly more excited and Addison managed to play along for the evening. After Naomi went to bed, Addison remained sitting in her deck chair downstairs. She could hear the waves and felt the pull of a life in LA; life was easier here, simple, nice people, sunny, not like the busy hustle and bustle of New York. Derek could come and visit them often enough. Addison knew her husband better though, even though she hated that he could ignore her, a baby he wouldn't. He would hate it if she moved away, she wasn't convinced he would be happy about it, but as soon as the baby was born, father Derek would come out full force. She knew him well enough to know that he did love children; he had enough nieces and nephews. Everything he did with them, she imagined the child being theirs, and now, well now she had to figure out how to tell him.

She had over a week left to figure out how and when to tell him. Addison was a smart woman however; she knew she needed several plans, several realistic pictures of her life.

It was time for bed; she knew that she was tired because her head was starting to hurt. Derek, single life, single mother, LA, New York, separation, divorce, happy family, baby, that was what it boiled down to really, the simple fact she was having a baby. Addison's maternal instincts were strong and she knew that her choices would reflect her priority of her baby's happiness. Derek would make an effort even if they were divorced, and Addison would be able to raise a child of her own. It would always be Derek's as well, but she felt the maternal instinct rise in her, that man was not in a place where he could be a father. She wanted Derek back and she silently cursed the careers they'd chosen.

She stared at the cell phone by her bed; she could call and tell him, but no not over the phone. She could call Mark and just find out if Derek was home or off. No she wasn't going to do that, she would slip up, or he would find out, just because he was a friend didn't mean that anyone really should know before Derek. That wasn't fair to her husband, to her baby's father. So she would have to tell him, and she didn't want to do it on the phone so that meant silence on her end. She could have ten more days, more time to figure out her life and then she could face Derek and offer him some real choices, but they would be ones she was comfortable with and ones she knew would not reflect badly upon her child's upbringing. Addison curled up in bed and slowly fell asleep fighting tears. Some things, and what exactly she didn't know, were going to have to change. When had it all become so complicated?


	12. This is Your Wakeup Call

Hi everyone, sorry about the delay, holiday season and all that. Thank you for the reviews! Merry Christmas and happy holidays.

Right-hand Blue: Thanks! Enjoy this one. I really feel for Addison too, both here, but also in the series.

Simbagirl: I know right, working out is good, but so is angst.

Goldentail: I actually wrote that line when I was just musing over the ironies of their relationship thus far and framing it. I just decided to keep it in. thanks.

Crazy-chica6: who knows…enjoy

Previously: Addison struggles with the visions of her future with Derek and her newly realized pregnancy.

Summary: Mark decides to talk to Derek in hopes of helping his friends save their marriage.

Chapter 12: This is Your Wake-up Call

Mark sighed leaning against the counter in the charting area. He was waiting for Derek to finish up with a complicated surgery. He hated to spring this talk on his best friend, but now that Addison was away, he had a chance to knock some sense into Derek and to have his best friend cool off before Addison came back. With any luck she would never know about the talk.

"Mark?" Derek walked out looking exhausted.

"Drink is on me," Mark offered and Derek nodded.

The two of them walked into the local bar that Derek and Addison frequented and plopped down.

"So what's the occasion?" Derek eyed Mark somewhat suspiciously.

"Well we never see each other anymore and with Addison in LA I figured we could have a guys' evening out," Mark knew it sounded lame, but it was partly true.

"Okay," Derek was smart, he sensed something was up but he was too tired to ask.

"Derek, we need to talk about Addison," Mark hesitated.

"What about her," Derek at least gave Mark his full attention.

"Well, did she tell you about the panic attack she had before she left for LA?" Mark figured her health was the best place to start.

Derek stared at him in shock, "Addie had a panic attack?"

"Yeah," Mark looked down wondering where to go from here, but Derek took the reins from him and continued.

"How did you know about it?"

"She called me after you left," Mark hesitated, "you had just told her that she didn't matter in light of your career options."

"That's not what I said," Derek protested but fell silent under the steady gaze of his friend.

"I may have said something like that," but it hurt for him to admit it.

"Dude, I know you're not a bad guy, but you've gone a little too far," Mark hesitated, "you're work obsessed."

"I have to be," Derek protested.

"Derek, look, I am not saying you don't deserve this, but Addison is your wife and I'm your friend and I'm telling you, you are walking a fine line here. Addison is in love with you, but be careful, she is independent and I don't want to see you lose her."

Derek shook his head in denial, "Addison wouldn't leave me, we're just career driven," he felt confident saying that.

"Addison is passionate and good at what she does, but she's still in your marriage Derek, you left months ago." Mark wanted to shake him.

"Mark, I can't help that I'm busy," Derek argued.

"Can you justify your behavior, if Addison decides to leave you; can you honestly convince yourself that you gave it your all?" Mark wanted to back him into a corner.

"She is not going to leave," Derek hesitated, "is she?"

Mark said nothing.

"Is she okay, I mean after the panic attack?" Derek studied his friend and Mark realized he really did care.

"Yeah she was okay, but seriously Derek, you should try and see if you can get her to tell you. She didn't want me to say anything."

Derek was silent; he couldn't believe his wife hadn't told him. He was the one who had seen Addison struggle with these attacks since college. She would call him and he would come calm her down and stay with her. This was the first time she hadn't said anything and she hadn't called him. Of course if he had induced it then why would she?

"Okay," he said finally.

"Mark I do love her, and I miss the way things were," he admitted.

"The way things were?" Mark pushed him to go further.

"She's my best friend," he glanced at Mark, "not that you aren't but…"

Mark nodded, he understood.

"I just, it's not easy to keep a marriage together," Derek admitted.

Mark didn't know much about that, but he let Derek keep talking.

"Addie and I have just grown apart, it's not that I love her less, it's just we're our own two people who have gone down two paths. She wants what I can't give right now." Derek shuddered to think of starting a family at this juncture.

"I don't think asking for a husband to be remotely present is too much," Mark sighed softly.

"Fine," Derek looked defensive, "she's not out of line, but I can't do this right now Mark, I can't be chief and the best husband."

"She's not looking for you to win any awards, she's just looking for more than an exchange of good mornings as you go your separate ways," Mark couldn't help the frustration in his voice.

Derek groaned and rubbed his hands over his face, "Mark it's easy when she's in LA to miss her, I miss her presence, but I don't feel guilty when she's gone. She wants a family Mark, did you know that?"

"Do you ever feel guilty," now there was sarcasm in Mark's tone, but he ignored Derek's question about the family.

"Of course, whenever she looks at me with those sad blue eyes, I feel like a cheap man, a terrible husband, but I can't be bad at my job."

"Your job is your job Derek, but Addison is your wife, she's part of your whole life and once you retire, she's the one you can grow old with," Mark persisted.

"But that's not now, now I am at the top of my game," Derek muttered.

"Stop being so self-centered, think of Addison, you promised to be there for her, and right now she is just a sidekick to you, she deserves better Derek and although it may kill her to admit it, she will eventually see that you can't offer her what she needs. It is not fair to just ask her to wait around for you to retire, she's got one life and if she's miserable, she should leave you," Mark was no longer willing to coach Derek into realizing his mistakes, he was ready to lay them out for all to see.

Derek signaled for another shot and drank the last of his previous drink.

"Mark, she'll come home and we'll work something out," he wanted his friend to stop talking.

"You're just saying that," his best friend knew him well; Derek was playing the avoidance game.

"Fine I am, but I do miss her Mark, I do love her she is my wife," Derek took the shot.

"Your wife means nothing if you aren't willing to give the title meaning, that's not enough Derek, not enough for her to wear the rings and have your last name. That's not a marriage." Mark stared into his glass wishing Addison had better.

"Maybe we're just not married anymore then," Derek pulled out his wallet.

He stopped next to Mark before he left, "I am sorry I hurt her Mark, I didn't realize how awful I sounded, and I will apologize to her, she doesn't deserve that. I can't make any promises right now though, I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know if we're going to make it or not. I love her and I want her to be happy, if I can't make her happy, maybe she does deserve a new life."

Mark finally lifted his head and looked his friend straight in the eyes, "Derek, she loves you, you do make her happy, but because you make her world, you can easily destroy it. I'm begging you to think about decisions carefully, because she wants you, you are her soul mate and I think she's still yours. Just think of her and know you still have an impact on her, your words, actions, everything."

Derek nodded, "I'll see you later," and he walked out of the bar with his hands in his pocket.

Mark ordered another drink and fought the urge to call Addison. He wasn't sure if she would kill him for interfering, and he decided ultimately it would be far better to wait it out before he admitted he got involved.


	13. Baby Dreams and Lazy Days

Here's the next chapter! Thanks for the reviews. Please keep it up, I appreciate them all. Usual disclaimer applies.

KateGreysFan: I don't want Mark to be a bad guy really, he's a conflicted character for me.

Right-Hand-Blue: Thanks! I hope he stays that way. He's the proverbial reality check

Crazy-Chica6: Yes he does try and Derek may still be in denial, but they are close and Derek tries to hear him, even though it is hard

Queen Satan: I would not hope for an immediate resolution...I wish we had Addek babies for real.

Previously: Mark tries to talk to Derek, with minor success

Summary: Addison enjoys her vacation, and attempts to figure out her next move when she arrives home in NY. She's in for a small surprise

Addison stood staring at the ocean. She could imagine her baby inside her and she wanted to hold onto this peaceful moment, or this tranquil vacation forever.

"Addison," Naomi appeared behind her and she turned to face her friend.

"We need to take your mind off this situation," Naomi looked determined and Addison sighed softly.

"Nae," she felt tears rising, "my life is going to change when I get home. I'm going to be a mother; Derek is going to be a father. What if he doesn't want to be a dad?"

Naomi shook her head, "you know Derek Addie, he'll adjust," she sounded so confident.

Addison faced away from her again, Naomi didn't know the stranger she now lived with. She didn't understand quite how work obsessed Derek had become in the recent years. It was such an awful time to have a child.

"Naomi, this baby is going to make or break our marriage. I can't have him being an absent father and if he wants me to get rid of it, I can't stay with him. I want this child more than anything and if I have to divorce or separate from him then so be it I will."  
Naomi shuddered inwardly at the resolve in Addison's voice.

"Let's not jump to conclusions sweetie, take a break and enjoy your vacation," Naomi left the balcony shouting over her shoulder, "shopping time!"

Addison couldn't resist the tug inside her at the mention of shopping. She needed new vacation clothes anyway.

She let the wind blow through her hair in Naomi's convertible and closed her eyes once again imaging the life that suddenly materialized before her in the last two days. Maybe shopping would help take her mind off of the changes.

They stopped at one of the airy outdoor malls and Addison found herself drawn to the maternity stores instead of her normal stylish ones.

"Addie, you're not that pregnant yet," Naomi teased and Addison sighed, "I don't know Naomi, it's hard to imagine being a surgeon full time and wearing those clothes." It was yet another concern because if Derek wasn't going to be around much her own career was going to be significantly impacted and while being a mother was her priority she had worked hard over the years for the reputation she had. Her friend gave no response and Addison continued down the line of stores.

"Oh look Addie," Naomi had stopped outside Baby Gap. Addison was unable to resist and followed her into the store. Suddenly she was surrounded by the physical reminders of her new life and she found herself embracing it fully as she marveled over the world of pink and blue that surrounded her.

Addison fingered a pair of absolutely tiny socks feeling a grin spread across her face.

"Here," Naomi held out a basket, "start filling it up," and Addison dropped two pairs of socks in, one blue and one pink, just in case.

There were so many adorable baby blankets, booties and shirts that Addison lost track of time and the basket was getting heavy.

"How are you going to tell him," and with the question she was jerked back to the reality of her situation.

"I don't know," she admitted softly.

"How about with something like this," and Naomi held up a cute dark green shirt that said, "I love my daddy."

"Oh that's priceless," Addison took it from her friend and examined it imagining Derek's face. She put it in the basket along with all the other things.

"You didn't buy anything for yourself yet today," Naomi reminded her as they left and Addison shrugged, "I don't know what I'd get, maternity, current, vacation, work, it's all a blur."

"I think you need something daring and sexy," Naomi offered and Addison shook her head, "I'll never be an eight again in my life after this Naomi."

Naomi rolled her eyes, "that's my point Addie, live it up while you can."

So Addison was standing in a store surrounded by stylish dresses and she felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

"Try this one on," it was a sage green, two layers, the bottom satin silk, and the top a soft mesh embroidered with silver flowers. The dress was knee length with a close fitting skirt and a classic top with a dip neck and delicate straps.

"Naomi, there's not much to it," Addison argued.

"You look so good in this color with your red hair," Naomi pointed out so Addison put it on.

When she finally stepped out Naomi's jaw dropped, "buy it."

Addison wasn't sure why she listened, but she did and as they left Naomi put her arm around her waist, "you'll always be a knock-out."

Addison found herself giggling, "you're such a good friend, in six months I'll waddle like a penguin."

"And you'll glow like an angel," Naomi countered and Addison found she could hardly wait.

Later that afternoon Naomi poked her head into Addison's room, "I have to go down to the office, and Pete offered to give you another treatment if you want it."  
Addison flushed slightly remembering the last time and her thoughts when she first viewed the man.

"Okay," she squared her shoulders.

"Relax," twenty minutes later she was on the table.  
"I'm sorry," she apologized feeling guilty.

"Don't be sorry, just breathe, it's my job to help, you don't need to apologize," Pete gently placed needles on her face and arms.

She felt her stomach twinge as the needle hit her skin and wondered why the sensation was so more pronounced and it made her whole body feel weird.

"You okay?" Pete wasn't looking at her and she nodded.

"You seem a little pale," he remarked.

"Just a stressful few days," she offered and he took her at her word.

They continued in silence for another few minutes and Pete asked how vacation was going.

"It's been eventful," Addison couldn't quite figure out what to say.

"Oh?" He didn't ask specifically.

"Just life discoveries," she stated and this time he glanced at her.

"You're pregnant," he continued to gently put in the needles.

Addison was flabbergasted, "how did you know?"

"I could tell, you look like you look a little off color and yet you have the glow," he smiled at her and Addison closed her eyes.

"Congratulations," he said nothing more and Addison sighed softly.

"That's why I'm tense," she admitted, "I just found out."  
"You need to take it easy and relax," Pete pointed out.

"I know, I'm an expert in the field," Addison felt herself getting defensive.

"Doctors make terrible patients," he commented mildly and Addison blew out her breath.

"Fine, maybe you're right," she conceded.

"I often am," but he wasn't being mean as he said it.

"Why are you tense?" He eyed her, "is everything alright with the baby?"  
"Things are fine with the baby," she assured him grateful it was true, "it's just we didn't plan it."

"Does your husband know?" Pete finished the last needle and focused his attention on her.

"No, I haven't told him yet, I don't know how." She hated to tell him the real reasons so she decided to alter them.

"We're both very career orientated and he just received this promotion, it's not the best time," she fought tears.

"Pete I want this baby, but I'm so afraid of what he's going to say," she was crying in earnest now.  
"Addison, it is your body, if you want to have it, then that should be your first priority."

He looked her straight in the eye, "if you decide to get rid of it, it should only be because it is best for you."

"I know," she whispered, "I want the baby."

"Then have it, and it'll have a million surrogate parents here in LA," he gave her his breathtaking smile and she nodded weakly. As she started to life her hand to wipe her face clean he restrained it with a soft touch and gently wiped her tears away himself.

"Relax for a bit," he turned, "I'll be back to check on you."  
Addison felt herself drift into a semi-conscious state and she started to dream.

Flash forward

"Honey," Addison stepped through her door, "are you home?"  
"Right here," Derek appeared holding their five year old little bundle of joy in his arms.

"There you are precious," Addison held out her arms and her daughter leaned towards her.

"Mommy," the little girl wrapped her arms around Addison's neck.

"Hi," Derek leaned in and kissed his wife's cheek.

"Has she eaten," Addison put down her daughter to take off her coat.

"Yes, she's ready for bed, I've got a surgery that's going to take all night, I'll come back and take her to school in the morning and then I'm off for the day. I'll do pick up around 3?"

She nodded, "sounds perfect," and turning to her daughter, "time for a bath."

The little girl scampered up the stairs and Addison turned to her husband with a smile, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I love you," Derek kissed her softly but passionately and then pulled away looking somewhat reluctant.

"What's wrong?" She studied him.

"I wish I didn't have to constantly leave," he sighed, "it's just part of it."  
"We do the best we can," she assured him, "she's happy and well loved, that means we're doing something right."

Derek picked up his briefcase, "I'll see you in the morning," and he was gone.

End flash forward

"Sleep well," Addison opened her eyes and met Pete's gaze feeling more settled and confident than previously.

"Yes," she said firmly.

"Good, Naomi's waiting for you," he finished taking out the needles and she sat up.  
"I dreamed about what the future might look like," she hesitated, "do you think that's a good sign?"  
"What did you see," he asked sitting down on the stool by the table.

She swung her legs over the side and slid off, "we were making it work."

"Good, that's a good thing," he gave a small nod, "it is possible Addison."  
"Sorry?" She tilted her head feeling curious.

"It's possible to be successful and have a family, not easy, but possible. You seem like you will make a great mom."  
"Thanks, I hope so, it's hard to picture sometimes, I mean for example being six months pregnant and working in a doctor's coat, or not being with patients if I take maternity leave," she said softly realizing for the hundredth time what she would have to give up.  
"So are all the best things in life," he grinned up at her.  
"I'll see you later," she walked out the door and met Naomi in the hall.

"You look better," her friend studied her carefully and Addison nodded thoughtfully.

"Pete is a good guy," she said and took her friend's arm, "let's go." 

Addison spent the rest of her second week relaxing and enjoying her friend's company. The night before she was supposed to leave she wrapped the shirt she bought for the baby and Derek and packed up her suitcase.

"Are you ready?" Naomi appeared in the doorway.  
"Yes," she smiled and sat down on the bed, "I hope so."

Back in New York

"Addison's plane comes in tomorrow doesn't it?" Mark was standing at the desk again waiting for Derek and Derek fought the urge to groan.

"Mark, what's your point," he glared at his friend.  
"Derek, get your head out of your ass, get out of work early and go meet her flight," Mark fixed him with a stare that could have melted metal.

"Or what," Derek glanced at the post-op report looking for any signs of infection.

"Or I will," Mark meant it, but he wasn't sure if Derek would grasp the significance.

"You mean that," Derek studied him and Mark nodded.  
"Okay," he put down the chart reassured the patient was on the road to recovery and headed back for another surgery.

"Okay?" Mark called back.

"I'll go," he vanished around the corner.

The Next Day:

"I'll miss you," Naomi hugged Addison tightly.  
"I'm going to miss you too," Addison pulled back and smiled fighting her tears.  
"Thank you so much," she whispered.  
"It's going to be okay, Derek will come around," Naomi assured her.  
"I hope you're right," Addison nodded.  
"Call me once you tell him, I'm here," Naomi gave her a comforting squeeze.

Addison made her way to her gate and sat down to wait flipping through a medical magazine she'd bought with her. She didn't really see the pages though.

She was too busy considering the next twenty four hours. There was the matter of finding her husband and then getting his attention long enough to tell him about the baby. Would she tell him right away or wait until she settled in? Pete had mentioned an abortion but she knew in her heart that it would never happen. Addison would rather be a single mother than not have her baby. No matter what the future held, the baby was created by the two of them, the child would always be a reminder of Derek and better times.

Addison boarded her flight, and settled into her first class seat trying to calm her nerves. Flying while pregnant wasn't something she liked doing, but it was most likely going to be fine and so long as she didn't stress she would be even better off.

"Anything to drink," a flight attendant leaned over and Addison shook her head with a smile.

"Are you alright," the young woman looked concerned and Addison hesitated before giving another nod.

"Thank you, I'm fine, going home," she responded and the woman looked sympathetically at her.

"Real life is waiting then?" it was a question to which Addison sighed in resignation.

"Yes, real life awaits, I wish I could be on vacation forever," she grinned.

The woman shook her head, "don't we all, if there's anything you need to help it last a few more hours, you let me know."  
"I will," Addison stared down at her magazine flipping aimlessly through it.

Five hours later she touched down at John F. Kennedy International Airport.

She collected her bag and made her way through the arrival gate heading for the door to hail a taxi, New York was really nothing like LA.

"Addison!" She stopped spinning around at the sound of her name.

"Derek?" Addison stared in disbelief; her husband stood staring at her and began rapidly making his way towards her. Her thoughts were racing. It was him and her heart pounded at the sight of him, she had missed him so much. She was only afraid that he maybe hadn't felt the same way.  
"Derek, I didn't realize you were going to meet me," she gave him a stunned smile.

"I thought I'd surprise you," he quickly took her suitcase from her; "the car is outside."

Addison found herself being escorted to the door; she could hardly believe he had come. What did this mean and should she tell him? She'd planned to have the trip home to track him down and decide how to proceed; now she was at a loss of what to say.

"Are you okay?" Derek studied his wife, she looked refreshed and healthy, but she also looked nervous and confused.  
"I'm Fine," was the hasty response, "I'm just glad to be home."  
He opened the door for her and then put her suitcase in the trunk.

"I'm glad you're back," he climbed in next to her.

"So am I," Addison glanced at him and wondered again why he hadn't told her he was coming, or why he had come to begin with. 


	14. Daddy?

Hi everyone! Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter. It makes me happy and I often get ideas about addressing certain elements of the story I hadn't considered. You're helping the plot bunny work. Usual disclaimer applies.

Abbyannmd: Interesting in a good way I hope.

WeAreAddisonAandDerek: Thanks very much, here you go!

Crazy-chica6: He really isn't a bad guy, but he does have his challenging side that we are all aware of.

KateGreysFan: Yes he did, flickers of hope emerge

RightHandBlue: I liked LA too, considering all her friends, I think they might be back. Sometimes everyone needs a push in the right direction

Xyliette: I know right, reasons have a a great impact on things. Thanks for reading

On that note:

Previously: Addison has fun on her last days in LA, has a heart to heart with Pete and is pleasantly surprised at the airport

Summary: Derek and Addison realize some things have to change, but compromise isn't always easy.

Chapter 14: Daddy?

"How was your trip," Derek set her suitcase down on the floor and closed the door behind them.

"It was relaxing," his wife turned to him, "Naomi and Sam say hello."  
"Of course," Derek walked past her into the kitchen, "are you hungry?"  
"No thanks," Addison followed him and leaned against the door studying him.

"Why did you meet me?" She had to know.

"I had no surgeries, I thought you'd like the surprise," he glanced back at her and a slight smile spread across his face.

She always responded well to that look and tonight was no exception. She returned his smile, hesitantly, but still.

"Listen Addie, I went out for drinks with Mark last week and we got talking about careers and the challenges of being on the job, I know I haven't been fair to you."  
Addison wanted to believe him, but she was skeptical, "are you sure Mark didn't realize it for you?"  
"He did," Derek admitted, "I needed to hear it," he sighed heavily, "I'm sorry Addie."  
"I know," and she did know that. He loved her, she didn't doubt that, but love was different from a successful marriage.

She walked over and sat down still in her long coat, "what now?"

"I don't know," Derek glanced at her, "I feel like you deserve more, and I'm scared I can't give it to you."  
Addison's heart sped up, "Derek what are you saying?"  
"I don't want you to be unhappy Addison, and I don't know exactly what I can do to change things right now. It's not fair to make you suffer while I pursue my career," to his credit tears were shimmering in his eyes and she realized that fighting her own.  
"Derek are you saying you would rather we get a divorce than change your career?" Addison knew this was a possibility, but it still hurt to even consider it. Her husband was one of those people that didn't spend his time trying to make her miserable. She needed him in her life. She hadn't told him about the baby, but she was beginning to realize just looking at him that settling one issue at a time was important. She was not going to tell him until they'd worked some things out. Addison did not want to have him staying just for the baby. Divorced parents were capable of raising a child.  
"No, I don't want a divorce," Derek's firm voice gave her some reassurance.

"So what do we do now?" She repeated her question.

"We try and figure it out," he finally said but he couldn't meet her eyes.

"Do you really mean that," she stared straight at him and this time he looked up.

"I know things need to change Addie, but I'm not good at this, we've always been on the same page, going down the same path, now we're not. I don't know where we went off, but we need to try and find it again," he reached for her hand and took it squeezing gently.

"I don't want to lose you Addison, I really don't, I just don't have all, or any, of the good answers right now," there was a confession she knew was hard for him to make.

"I need to show you something," she walked into the hallway and opened her suitcase to pull out the box with the baby shirt in it.

Just then she heard beeping and he appeared next to her, "it's an emergency, I have to go. I'm sorry, I'll be home as soon as I can I promise," he pecked her on the lips as she stood up to be face to face and then he was gone.

She slowly placed the box on the table and walked into the living room and sat down on the couch pulling out her cell phone from her pocket dialing Mark's number.

"Addison! You made it back?" His voice sounded delighted and she smiled.  
"I'm back, the trip was great and Derek picked me up at the airport," she sounded somewhat pleased by that.

Mark listened to the happiness in her voice and fought the urge to groan. Derek had made a grand gesture for sure, but that gesture was not born out of his own idea and Mark knew it wasn't his place to tell her he suggested it.

"Where is Derek," he asked finally.  
"Surgery, he just got paged," she hesitated, "I'll see you tomorrow at work."  
"Good night, welcome home," he hung up.

Addison felt a bout of nausea and left her suitcase in the hallway. She was too tired to carry it up the stairs.

She crawled into bed and slowly fell asleep missing his presence.

Derek arrived home and stopped inside the door staring at the suitcase still in the hall, he was surprised because he knew Addison hated a messy house. He zipped it closed and carried it upstairs, he didn't notice the box on the table. Derek studied his wife for a few minutes curled up; he couldn't tell if she was asleep so he changed quietly hoping to let her sleep for a few minutes. He needed to talk to her tonight, there was too much left unsaid and he didn't want to avoid it, because he wasn't sure when they would be able to have the conversation that was distinctly necessary.

He crawled into bed next to her and she snuggled into him.

"Hi," he said softly.

"What time is it," she mumbled.

"It's late, and I know we have a lot to talk about, we can do some in the next days and weeks, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about upsetting you that day. I didn't mean you were second to my career, and I know that the fact it came out like that was incredibly unfair to you. I'm sorry about your panic attack too," he paused.

Addison was suddenly wide awake and nervous, Mark had told him.

"You know," she was silent then wondering what to say.

"He did tell me about it, I wish I was there Addie, I'm so sorry." Derek felt truly awful about that.  
"I couldn't tell you Derek, not after the reason it happened to begin with," the hurt and broken voice tore at him and he held her closer.  
"I know, I understand, I wish I hadn't hurt you Addie, but it was just so important, and exciting at that moment," he finally admitted, "I just wasn't thinking clearly or kindly."  
"I'm excited for you, but I'm still here," she rolled over in his arms to face him.

He nodded pushing the hair out of her face and kissing her forehead, "you're still here and I'm one lucky bastard to get a chance to fix this aren't I?" He grinned.  
Addison let out a gentle giggle, "yes you are," she took a breath, "but you're mine Derek, and I'm yours and I respect how good you are at your job, so I am not going to try and cut you off or anything like that."  
Derek felt a weight lifted from him, they understood the fundmental things about each other. They knew they couldn't be without each other, but also that work stimulated and challenged them bringing them to new successes. When they failed professionally, they always had each other.   
"We always have each other," she voiced his thoughts.  
"I need you Addison, and I know that is something you probably have doubted recently," he hesitated and said softly, "I know I need ot make amends, where should I start?"

"Well," she smiled, "I guess I should tell you about something that I discovered on my trip."

"Sounds good, oh by the way, you left your suitcase downstairs, I brought it up," he suddenly remembered.

"What about the box," she questioned.

"It's probably still downstairs," he finally said.

"Could you go get it?" she felt bad.  
"Okay," he returned minutes later with it.

"It's for you," she whispered softly.

He opened it and pulled out the shirt, his head snapped up and his eyes searched hers frantically.

"You're pregnant?!" He couldn't help his volume.  
She winced, "yes."  
"Addie," he composed himself and was suddenly concerned, "Are you ok?

"Yes," she waited.

"And the baby," he was struggling to comprehend it all. He didn't know whether he should be happy and joyful, terrified, or maybe overwhelmed.

"Its fine too, I found out in LA. I wanted to tell you in person." She searched his eyes and knowing him well she could read his absolute confusion.  
"When did we…" he started to ask and then realized that he knew. Her smile confirmed it.

"Are you happy Derek," the big question. She didn't know how she would deal with the fallout if he wasn't.

"Yes," he knew he was, even with everything this meant, he was happy.

"Good," she paused, "I know this isn't the best time." It was true, but with them there was never going to be a good time.  
Derek restrained himself from reacting, he refused to let his conflicted feelings show and be reflected in his words for her. This was not the time, he needed to talk them out with Mark before he let her in on some of his personal conflictions and doubts.  
"That's true, but we'll be okay," he wanted her to know that, because deep down, somehow he knew they would be.  
"Derek, before this we weren't doing so well," her voice was small and weaker than normal; it reminded him that just hours ago they had talked for the first time in months.

"I know," and he did, mostly thanks to Mark's clarifying the issue.

"Why did you meet me yesterday," that question again. She knew it wasn't just him and he owed her the truth, even if it hurt.

"Mark suggested it as a way to remind you that I was, still am, your guy," he didn't even hide it the source, but he wanted her to understand why.

"Deep down I knew he was right, but there was the need to show you that I can still be your husband Addie, his suggestion to meet you sounded perfect," he offered.  
"Well even if you had good intentions, I was hoping it was your idea" she rolled onto her back breaking eye contact with him.  
"Addie, it's just I didn't think of it, I'm so out of practice being the good devoted husband" he knew he sounded like a jerk, "I'm so sorry."  
"Did you even know that I was coming home that day?" Her voice resounded with hurt.

"Yes," he had known, just not what time.

"I'm going to take a bath," she got out of bed and went into the bathroom closing the door firmly behind her leaving him to his thoughts.

A baby, it was the worst time. He wasn't even the chief yet, he wasn't sure he could be a good father and it didn't seem fair that there was even the slightest chance he was going to give his child half of his attention. He could be so absent, he had always feared not being around. His own father hadn't really spent much time with them and then had died before Derek had really gotten to know him. Derek felt that absence keenly growing up and had always made a private vow it would be different with him. Right now, he was no better than his father, and he didn't want his child ever doubting how much it would be loved.

He knew he should go apologize to Addison, but at the same time, he wasn't ready. He needed to know what to say and right now his head was spinning. Although he desperately wanted a drink, he felt bad leaving her, he didn't want to make her worry, so he stayed. He felt somewhat trapped, the feeling of things beyond his control.

Addison ran her bath and waited sitting on the lid of the toilet. She felt like her world was off everywhere, Derek was happy, yet he seemed so conflicted. It was a huge change she knew that. Somehow she wanted to talk to someone who would understand. Just then she heard the phone ring in the bedroom.  
"Hello," her husband's voice came through the door.

"Of course," he climbed out of bed and she stood feeling defeated and went to open the door.  
Derek hung up the phone and was met with a burst of light from the bathroom as the door opened.  
"What was that?" she hesitated.

"It was the chief, he was apologizing for getting me in again, but he needs a favor," Derek sounded terribly upset, but there wasn't much he could do. Addison looked at him trying to figure out what to say, supportive or angry, she wasn't really sure.

"See you soon," she settled on straight forward.

"Addie, I'm going to go deal with this as quickly as possible, I'll be home the instant I can get away," he stood up and walked over to her putting his hands on the side of her face, "no unnecessary duties I promise."

She saw the sincerity in his eyes and nodded.

He dressed and headed out the door leaving her to her thoughts. She slipped into the bath feeling slightly hopeful, he was trying. It wasn't going to be easy, but maybe it would be ok.


	15. A Baby Day

Right Hand Blue: Yep Derek is having issues, big time conflict. Again he can't be that bad right if he's conflicted?

Crazy-chica6: I don't know if this will really help with your indecision

Queen Satan: I love the baby shirts, as far as his nose, we'll see

Muse-of-the-fairies: Thanks!

KateGreysFan: Me too, Mark will find out soon I promise, but I need to figure that one out.

Thanks for the reviews! Disclaimer applies

Previously: Derek and Addison struggle with the realities of their marriage and new baby

Summary: Derek puts aside his life and reaches out to Addison

Chapter 15: A Baby Day

Addison opened her eyes expecting to feel cold and alone in the bed, but to her surprise Derek was besides her snoring lightly. She felt a slight smile cross her face and she drifted off again feeling content.

The next time she woke, she was alone and was just about to assume Derek had been called away again and then suddenly she heard noise downstairs. She rose and pulled her robe around her heading down the stairs stopping short in the door to the kitchen in disbelief. Derek was wearing casual clothes and an apron around his waist, it was a domestic style she hadn't seen on her husband in years.

"Hi," she spoke softly and he turned around with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Hi sleeping beauty," he handed her a mug and she gratefully accepted it although she was unable to contain her disappointment at the sight of the tea.

"No more coffee for you," Derek winked at her turning back to the stove.

"That smells good," she sat down at the table watching him cook.

"Omelet and cinnamon toast," he set the plate in front of her and sat down with her picking up his fork to dig in.

"You came back," she couldn't help her surprise.

"I know, I'm sorry you thought I wouldn't," he stopped eating to study her.

"Thanks," they ate in silence and when they finished Derek grinned, "go get dressed."

"I don't go in today," she reminded him and he nodded.

"I know, I got the day off," he looked oddly excited and she stared at him stunned.

"You have a day off," her eyebrows rose exponentially.

"I got the day off, a personal day, it's time we go look for baby things, there's a lot to do," he cleared the table.  
"Derek, you don't have to be so…" she trailed off.

"Look Addie, I'm not saying every day is going to be like this, I'm not perfect and I know some days I won't be around at all, but that day isn't today. Today is our day."

She fought back tears of emotion, but he caught her eyes anyway.

"Are you alright," he looked alarmed.

"Hormones," she hastily explained and relief crossed his face.

She headed up stairs pulling on a pair of pants, clogs and a cozy sweatshirt, she looked like a housewife. Satisfied with her image she met Derek downstairs.

"Let's go," he took her hand and they headed out the door.

Derek pulled into the parking lot and stopped the car, "we're here."  
Addison was suddenly excited, baby shopping with Derek, it was one of those rare things she had hoped for.

Soon they were looking at cribs, chairs, changing tables and clothes.

"Derek," she hesitated seeing him lost in thought as he stared at a rocking chair.

"What's wrong?" she questioned.

"It's just, I don't want to be the kind of father that doesn't get to rock his baby to sleep," Derek admitted.

She rested her hand on his shoulder and leaned against him, "what makes you think you won't?"

"I don't really know how to be a father Addison, much less find a healthy balance between life and work," he glanced down at her, "netiher one of us will win awards in that category. Is it so wrong to be nervous about this?"

"No," she said it emphatically, "Derek I'm terrified, but if we both want it, we can make this work."

"I know, it's just I need to ask you if you want me to reconsider being chief," it was a big decision to let go of the control in making it.

Addison stared up at him, "would you not take it if I asked you not to?"

"Your opinion and needs are important to me Addison, they always have been," he hesitated, "I want the job, I always have, but no one can control what life brings," he sighed, "not even me."

Addison was touched by the gesture, but she knew deep down if she asked him to give up being chief that there was a distinct possibility he might resent her, or worse the baby, for making him do it.

"I appreciate that Derek, but let's talk about it later," she urged turning her focus back to the rocking chair.

"Try it," he nodded towards it and she sank into it closing her eyes. It was so cozy, and she wanted to just fall asleep.

"I think we should get it," his voice jerked her back to the store.

"Really?" She was just excited at the idea of buying something, one thing that meant this was really happening.

"Yes," he matched her grin and turned to the lurking salesman.

"We'd like that chair please," the boy made a note on a pad and handed it to Derek so he could fill out the information.

"Just put the numbers of the items you want down and we'll send them to your home," he offered. Derek took the clipboard and extended his hand to Addison.

They made their way out of the furniture section and Addison pulled Derek over to the backpacks.

"We'll need one of these soon," she picked one up and he promptly snatched it away.

"Derek," she glared at him.

"It's too heavy Addie, don't pick it up," he reprimanded

"Derek I'm a neonatal surgeon, I think I'm quite aware of the limitations," she rolled her eyes.

"And I'm your husband, I'm allowed to do this," he tried on the backpack on his front and Addison again fought the lurking tears.

"It's perfect," she grinned and he nodded in agreement.

The rest of the afternoon was spent finding the changing table, the crib, and car seats, Addison leaned her head back against the headrest as they drove home feeling exhausted.  
Just then Derek's pager went off and he sighed picking it up.

"It's the hospital, 911, I'll drop you off, but then I've got to go in," he said reluctantly.

"No, I can get home just fine from the hospital," she assured him, "you need to go straight there."

Once there he kissed her on the lips, "call me and leave a message when you get back," and then he was gone.

Addison watched him dash up to the arriving ambulances and climbed out making her way to the metro. Once in the house she curled up on the couch reflecting on her day.

This day was what she hoped so many more would be like; this day was the essence of her marriage to Derek when it was good.

She dialed her husband's number, "hey Derek, I'm home, thanks for the wonderful day. See you tomorrow," and then she sat staring into space. He wanted the job, he lived for the challenges it would bring, but she didn't know if she could possibly do the child rearing without him. After spending a day like this one, she was reminded of how good he was with kids. Was she selfish wanting him to have a more flexible schedule so his baby could receive all that love she already saw in him?

She knew Derek was also conflicted and that gave her some reassurance in a weird way, she realized that Derek wasn't against the idea, but he was right. He wasn't perfect, and some days he just wasn't going to be around.

Addison fell asleep dreaming of the life she could have and fearful of the life she could lose so easily.


	16. Telling the Best Friend

Thanks everyone for the reviews!!! Usual disclaimer applies, I own nothing

Queen Satan: Horray for avoiding coursework. I feel like Derek needs to struggle with this news a little because in reality it's a challenge for one's career.

Crazy-Chica6: Glad it helped some. I hope he can balance it too. This may or may not change things for you.

Right Hand Blue: She is happier, I agree it's sad, but that's life unfortunately and I wanted to keep their relationship in character to the show a bit. So, what were they like before she slept with Mark, and the distance between them can be believable

Simbagirl: You're welcome, enjoy!

Previously: Derek took Addison baby shopping

Summary: It's time to tell people, Mark finds out

Chapter 16: Telling the Best Friend

Addison was staring at her reflection in the mirror. She eyed her stomach; there wasn't a bulge yet, but soon.

"We need to tell Mark," her husband's voice startled her and she glanced up at him standing in the door way with his sexy smile.

"I know," she did know that Mark deserved to hear it from both of them, but she was nervous how he would take it. He knew their marriage was far from smooth.

"I asked him if he wanted to go out for dinner tonight after our shifts," Derek's proactive nature took her by surprise.

"Okay, that sounds good," and so she was nervous the whole next day.

She saw her patients in a daze; there was something about telling Mark that made everything real, all the ups and downs.

"So what's the occasion," Mark studied the slightly nervous looking couple sitting across from him. He knew they had been having problems in the marriage before Addison left, but it didn't look like they were unhappy, so he was guessing divorce and separation were not on the agenda for tonight.

"Well," Addison glanced at Derek searching for permission and he gave a quick nod.

"I'm," she shook her head; "we're pregnant."

Mark just stared at them in disbelief, "you're having a baby?"

"Yes," Addison said firmly and Derek took her hand holding it gently.

Mark glared at Derek, "You knocked her up!"

"Mark," Addison hissed glance around the restaurant self-consciously

"Sorry," he apologized but still shook his head

"Was this planned," he had to make sure he wasn't missing anything

"No," Derek answered this time shaking his head emphatically and Mark noted how Addison's face fell slightly.

"We spent yesterday getting baby stuff," she finally said.

"We?" Mark wondered if he heard wrong.

"Derek took the day off," she seemed defensive and Mark nodded. That would explain his friend's unusual absence from the hospital for most of the day.  
"Congratulations," he could act cheerful in front of them together just like they were acting for his benefit. Two could play that game.

"Really?" Addison looked a bit surprised and Mark grinned.

"You think I'm not happy?" He felt a bit hurt.  
"Well," she studied him, "I don't know, I'm glad you are."  
He was in all fairness happy for them, but he knew their individual doubts and fears and that made him worry. He knew Addison was worried about the future of her marriage and Derek was still career obsessed even if he had taken the day off. Would a baby change things? Mark wasn't sure.

The rest of the dinner was spent mostly in light-hearted or work orientated discussion and Addison sensed towards the end of dinner that Mark and Derek had some things to talk about so she gracefully excused herself.

"Are you ready?" Derek looked up at her and she smiled at him.

"You two have lots to catch up on I'm sure, I'm a little tired so I'm going to head home."  
"Let me take you," he needed to take care of her but she just shook her head stubbornly.

"No Derek, I'll call you," and she smiled at Mark, "good night."  
"Good night Addison" and they were left alone staring at each other.

"You can't tell me you're thrilled about this and expect to get away with it," Mark accused Derek.  
"I've been completely thrown by it," Derek admitted.

"You're hiding it well," Mark observed watching his friend fiddle with his coaster.  
"I love her, and I want our marriage to work, but a baby is completely new, there's something to this that is now out of my control," Derek sighed  
"What?" Mark sensed Derek was upset about something.  
"I told Addie that if she wanted me to give up chief I would," he studied Mark carefully and his friend shook his head slumping into the booth.

"Man, you did?" It was a gesture that was so foreign for Derek to make that Mark wasn't sure his friend hadn't lost his mind.

"I did," he rubbed his face, "if she wants me too, it's going to be hard."

Mark just stared at Derek in shock; there was no way he could do it gracefully. Derek wasn't going to easily give up something he wanted forever. Mark couldn't see it.  
Yet Mark also understood why Derek had offered Addison the final say, "you got yourself into this one dude," it was something he couldn't really sugarcoat. The whole situation was dicey.

Just then Derek's phone started ringing, "hello?"

Mark knew instantly it was Addison, Derek talked quietly for a minute and then hung up.

"She get there okay?" Mark wanted to make sure.  
"Yes, she's fine," Derek confirmed and looked down at the table refusing to meet his friends' eyes.

"I know I set myself up for a loss in some way," and he did, "I wanted her to know I was willing to give it up for her and the baby if she needed me to."  
"But how willing are you really, if you do end up having to give it up, what's to say you won't resent her for asking," Mark always made tough love points.

"I know damn it," Derek muttered.

"You would give it up though wouldn't you," Derek rarely went back directly on a promise he made and Mark knew that.

"I would," his friend confirmed it.

"So you just have to prepared yourself for that," Mark urged.  
"I don't think she'll ask that of me," Derek finally said.  
"You don't?" Mark wasn't entirely sure. From what he'd heard from Addison, this was the chance she had been waiting for to get her husband back.

"I don't think she would ask me to give it up," Derek nodded deep in thought.  
"Man, if she didn't, you'd be indebted to her for the rest of your ego stoking career," Mark snorted softly.

Derek glared at his friend, but he couldn't deny that Mark was probably right. His friend was the outsider and the observer, if that's the way he saw it, then Derek had to take that into account.

"So what are you going to do," Mark finally asked.

"I'm going to give her time to figure things out," Derek said softly, "I'll take care of her and make sure she doesn't overdo it at work, and we'll take things one step at a time."

"Good luck with that," Mark hesitated, "you should get home and make sure she's ok."

"I'm on my way," Derek stood reaching for his wallet and Mark shook his head.  
"I'm here for a few more minutes, I'll get it, see you tomorrow."

Derek nodded, 'Thanks man," and Mark stood awkwardly in front of his best friend.  
"I'm happy for you two seriously Derek," and the two embraced quickly.

Derek walked out leaving Mark to his thoughts and once Derek was gone he reached for his phone.

"Hello," her voice came over the line.

"He's on his way home, Addison what are you going to ask him to do?"

She sighed, "I don't know yet."  
"Are you happy about this," Mark asked feeling like a bit of a jerk for asking but he had to know.

"I was terrified at first, but I realized soon after I found out I couldn't imagine getting rid of it," she took a breath, "if Derek wasn't ready or had taken it badly, I would have asked for a separation."  
"But he stepped up," Mark said finally.

"He's trying, more so than anything he's managed to do recently for me, I have to give him credit for that," she sighed  
"What?" Mark detected uncertainty.  
"Mark he's going to resent me if I ask him to give it up," she said softly and Mark groaned inwardly.

She wasn't going to ask him he knew that now. She wouldn't risk her husband resenting his family for holding him back. Somehow he wondered if Derek subconsciously knew that and was in fact banking on it when he offered to let her make that final decision. He felt a slight urge to shake his friend by the neck as hard as he could.

"Mark," his silence made her worry.  
"Sorry Addison, I'm still here," he spoke up.

"Do you think he would," she wondered if he was going to give her an honest answer.

"I hope not honey, but he might," Mark hated to even contemplate it, but he didn't want to raise her hopes too high.

"I have to see how he does trying to balance the two, if he thinks I'm not sure yet, he's going to be on his best behavior so that he can persuade me to let him keep the job, maybe that will give me some leverage to point out we can make it work and it'll keep him accountable," she sounded like a military officer planning an invasion.

Mark shuddered inwardly, they were both plotting to get what they wanted from each other.  
"Addie, Addison," he hastily corrected, "just remember you're going to be parents and you shouldn't spend your lives playing this game if you're raising a baby."  
Addison felt a surge of anger and wanted to snap at him, but she didn't want to allow her hormones to dictate her words. She would say something she'd regret.

"I know, we just need to establish some boundaries and common understandings," she sighed, "I've got to go Mark."  
"I'm here Addie and my congratulations," he realized the name slip up too late and held his breath waiting for her to lash out at him.

Addison fell silent, Addie, that was Derek's pet name for her, but honestly Mark was a good friend to them both and she had no right to make one name off limits to him like that.

"Thanks," she decided to let it go this time, after all compared to the rest of her life, it was but a blip on the radar.

"Good night," he hung up and sat in the booth wondering about his two friends.

They were perfect for each other, but a baby, he knew Derek didn't want to give up his life, but he was still in love with Addison. He wanted her to be safe and have a healthy baby, after all it was his too and Mark knew his friend was thrilled on some level. The problem was that they were both strategic and manipulative and Mark was afraid that what needed to get said would never be truthfully confronted.

Derek walked through the door about ten minutes after she hung up with Mark and she met him in the hallway.

"Derek, I don't want to ask you to give up your dream job, it's not fair of me and I don't think it's my right to ask you to do something."

She looked at him carefully, "if you can prove you can do both and balance real life and work relatively well then I see no need to make you choose between your dream and a family."  
He sighed inwardly relieved that she was saying this.

She narrowed her eyes, "but hear this, when I was in LA I realized that it is not fair for me to constantly be having to nag you to come home, and to help me raise our baby. I don't deserve to be consistently competing for your attention Derek, so if this doesn't work, I walk."  
He felt like he had been punched, "Addison?" His wife was standing straight and resolutely before him and she looked deadly serious.

"I will walk Derek, we'll get a separation or divorce, I'll move somewhere else and raise our baby, and I won't be that wife who waits for her husband to notice her. I deserve life beyond that; I can be a single mother if I have to, and so you have to meet me halfway."

"You're offering me an ultimatum," he finally concluded.

"A fair one, and I think anyone who knows us would agree," she waited.  
"Yeah," she wasn't that far off.

"So I meet you halfway here, and we make this work," he studied her, "if I don't make it, you leave me." It was simple he had to admit.

"Yes," she nodded, "are you in?"

He took a deep breath, "I don't want to lose you Addie," he didn't want to beg.

"It's up to you really," she had a flicker of regret in her eyes, "Derek I never wanted to be in a position where I would be offering you a deal like this, but things have to change and I know you never wanted to give up your new job. I don't want you to resent your family, so I'm offering you a compromise where you ultimately get to figure out how to manage your own time. You're far too old for someone to make these choices for you. I know it's not going to be easy and she did look sympathetic, "but a family is a huge thing and it's something I want and am going to have so I think it's fair to establish that I really would like you to be part of it. I can't force you to do it though."

"Right," and so she had called him out on his offer, now all he had to do was figure out how to balance his two lives.

"Addie, regardless of what happens, I don't want to be cut out of the baby's life," he sounded almost fearful and her eyes softened instantly.

"Derek you are this baby's father, I would never ever cut you out or prevent you from taking as active a role as you wanted, but I think if we can't make this work as a team that I'll be better off on my own personal terms and that way you can come and go as you please," she sighed.  
"And I'll lose you both," his heart ached.

"You'll always be welcome," she assured him, but it did little to sooth his inner anguish.

He slowly walked towards her and knelt in front of her placing his head on her stomach, "baby, I'm not perfect," he took a shaky breath, "far from it, but no matter what happens before you join this family, I promise I'll always love you and look out for you," he glanced up at Addison, "and I love your mother very much no matter what happens, that'll never change."

Her tears flowed unashamedly and she put her hands on either side of his face

"Time for bed, you need rest," he stood holding out his hand and she took it slowly.

He led her up the stairs and as he went into the bathroom she sank to the bed trembling. She had done it, now she could only pray he took her seriously and made an effort because she was fairly certain she would never be able to actually leave him.


	17. Just be There for Us

Thanks for the reviews!

Queen-Satan: Interesting idea….thanks

Crazy-chica6: I wanted her to assert herself, but it's not an easy thing to do

Right-Hand Blue: Thanks! I think I am glad too, just hope she can do it if she needs to.

Previously: Derek and Addison told Mark and Mark worried about their crossed signals

Summary: Addison realizes Derek will always belong to the hospital on some level and tends to a young mother and her family

Chapter 17: Just be There for Us

Derek found himself not wanting to leave the warm bed for the first time in a long while. He was spooned up next to Addison when his pager went off. He sighed turning it off and paused looking at her relieved that she hadn't woken up.

Sliding out from the warm covers he scribbled a quick note: Addison, I had to go in, I'm so sorry, I wanted to wake up next to you. Rather I wanted you to wake up next to me. Eat something and no coffee. See you as soon as I can get home. D

Derek arrived by the hospital and was met by his supervisor, Donald.

"What's wrong?" He knew something was up by the look on his boss's face.

"Well, I think we're going to have to deal with a malpractice suit," Donald looked like he had aged ten years since Derek had last seen him.

"Well we're going to have to start gathering testimony, figure out what wrong," Derek switched into problem solving mode.

"Why don't we go to your office and you can brief me about what happened. We'll figure out the next steps from there," he hated how long this was going to take. There was really nothing to do, his day was effectively gone.

Addison woke to a cold bed, and a note. She scanned it with a slight smile and then made her way into the kitchen to eat something. No coffee, she regretfully scanned their tea selection finally choosing a soothing herbal one.

She wondered if Derek had a surgery or if he would be home in the near future. She was on at four so she had most of the day to figure out what the nursery would look like. Addison wandered into the stark room cradling the cup of tea in her hands. Carefully she studied the walls attempting to figure out what would look best on them. She didn't want to know the sex of the baby so therefore the colors would have to be relatively gender neutral. She and Derek had a rocking chair, crib, and changing table arriving at the end of the week and before that a lot had to happen. Yellow was a nice warm color she decided staring at the white walls, next came carpeting, this room was relatively unfinished, the rug was a simple industrial carpet, it would need to be made over.

Addison began making a list and the day moved on. She contemplated carpets and curtains, decided that lots of book shelves were necessary and finally around three thirty called her husband.

"Hey babe," he answered feeling bad.

"Where are you?" she asked curiously.

"We've had a situation come up at the hospital," he said finally.

"What happened," she sounded concerned and he sighed in frustration.

"It seems that we're under scrutiny because one of the patients that died on the table last week was misdiagnosed." Derek sounded completely irritated.

"What's happening down there," she was already getting ready for work.

"We're starting the process of finding everyone who was in the room, making sure they're all aware and ready to give testimony," Derek hesitated and spoke again, "it's a zoo Addie," he was incredibly tired.

"I'm on my way into work, do you need anything?" she asked him grabbing her keys.

"No thanks, see you soon," he hung up.

Addison arrived heading straight for Derek's office intent on giving him her full love and support, but before she got there she noticed a commotion in the hall and realized that Derek was dealing with a bunch of worked up hospital staff. He and Donald both looked like they were at the end of their ropes.

"I'd let him be," Mark appeared next to her.

"Is he okay," she wanted to go to her husband

Mark set his hand on her shoulder, "he's good at many things Addie, and he can calm them down, just give him time."

She headed to his office to wait.

Derek had finally managed to reassure his staff that the interviews were mostly a formality, to establish who was where and what had been seen. He had no idea what was going to happen. The wrong medication had been prescribed for the patient because the diagnosis was incorrect.

He entered his office stopping short at the sight of Addison in his chair reading a magazine.

"Aren't you supposed to be doing something," he asked tiredly walking over and bending down to give her a kiss.

Addison tilted her head to receive his gesture and then stood up.

"I wanted to see how you were holding up," she said finally.

"It's rough, no one is sure what happened, the records are a mess and of course I still have surgeries to keep up with," Derek hesitated, "the next week is going to be pretty hectic," he looked so guilty.

"That's life," she said hoping he would smile at her.

"Yeah," he looked down and flipped through a few papers.

"See you later," she hesitated before leaving.

"Yeah," she got a tired smile for her effort.

Addison saw her two patients and then was paged 911 to the ER. Arriving downstairs she saw a young woman come out of an ambulance clearly hysterical and pregnant.

"Okay, I need the full set of tests, ma'am are you hurt anywhere, what's your name," Addison grabbed the chart scanning it. The young woman seemed to be fine apart from mostly scrapes and bruises.

"She's five months pregnant and we found her unconscious at the scene, she woke up in the ambulance," the driver informed her.

Addison nodded, "we need a MRI right away, let's get a Chem 7," she ushered the woman inside.

"My husband, he needs to be called, we were hit," the woman was almost hyperventilating.

"My baby, my baby," she was whimpering.

Addison stared at her, "your baby needs to be examined, we'll get you to an exam room," she tried to guide the young woman to trauma one, but with little success.

"No no, Jimmy, my little Jimmy, he's not even a year, he was in the car," she looked pleadingly at Addison, "you have to find him."  
She turned to the driver, "did you see a baby in the backseat?"

"No ma'am," the driver pulled his walkie talkie off his belt and dashed back out the door

Addison turned to the frantic mother, "we'll find him, what's your name?"  
"Jackie Bingham," she whispered, "my husband."

"We'll contact him, what's his name," she glanced at the nurse standing by with a pen and paper.

"Jerry Bingham, he works down at the Franklin Law Offices," she said brokenly.

"I'll go find him," the nurse vanished.

"Okay Jackie, we have to check to make sure the baby is okay," she helped Jackie lie down and pushed up her shirt gently rubbing goo on her belly. She then placed the reader on Jackie's abdomen and peered at the screen.

"Please tell me my baby is going to be okay," Jackie sounded so vulnerable.

Addison forced thoughts of her own child out of her mind and nodded, "the heartbeat is strong."

"Does that mean we're okay?" Jackie questioned anxiously.

"We'll keep you overnight for observation, but you should both be fine," Addison smiled at her.

"What about Jimmy, he's so young, I have no idea where he is or if he's okay," the tears started again, "god I didn't protect him, I'm his mother, I should have done something."

Addison hated to do it but she injected a mild sedative into the IV. Jackie slowly calmed down.

"I will find him," she promised the young woman as nurses came in to wheel her out.  
"Dr. Shepard," she heard her name shouted from the hall.

"Excuse me," she hurried out.

"We found him, he was actually still in the car, but he's not responding," Addison gathered the baby in her arms rushing into the room next door. She was grateful Jackie had just been moved out.

She rested the frail baby on the table and quickly listened to his heart, "pulse is tacky at 90 and he's not breathing well."  
"Let's trach him," she told the intern standing next to her.

"Be careful," she warned standing watch, "his chords will be tiny."

After the intern successfully achieved intibation Addison glanced at his vitals.

"Well he's stabilized, we need to check for internal injuries, let's get him up for a CAT scan and an MRI," she watched him be wheeled out and took a shaky breath.

He was so tiny. She threw her gloves in the trash and headed towards Jackie's room upstairs in the recovery wing to update her.

Derek finally managed to take a minute to go find his wife, she was sitting in the cafeteria looking exhausted.  
"Are you okay?" He sat down studying her.

Addison didn't have the heart to tell him about Jimmy, he would probably think she was getting too close to patients again.

"Fine, how are things on your end," she asked.

"Smoothing out, I've got one more surgery before I head out," he sighed, "it's a long one."

Addison watched him as he stared into space, finally he pulled out of it and stood, "I need to get back, are you going to be okay?"

She smiled at his concern, "I feel fine," she lied. She did feel okay, but the recent family in the accident had shaken her and she was feeling suddenly terrified about the changes that were going to happen in her life.

Deciding to take another minute off she dialed Naomi's cell but got no answer so she tried the clinic.

"Oceanside Wellness," the voice on the other end sounded familiar.

"Hi this is Addison Shepard, I was calling for Naomi," she waited.

"Addison, it's Pete," and her heart skipped a beat.

"Hi Pete," she forced her voice to steady, "I miss you all, how are things out there?"

"They're great, we miss you too," he sounded a bit awkward saying it, but Addison appreciated it just the same.

"I miss all those needles making me relax," she admitted.

"Ah, another convert," he sounded too self-satisfied and Addison rolled her eyes.

"Listen is Naomi there, I've got to talk to her," she said finally.

"No she isn't in yet, I'll have her call you back," he was scribbling down the information she could tell.

"Oh," she felt slightly let down.

"Are you okay Addison, you sound down," Pete asked finally.

"It's just," she felt bad, "life is challenging."

"What's wrong, is it the baby?" His voice had risen incrementally and she hastened to reassure him.

"No we're fine, the baby's fine, it's just that things at work have been hectic." It was time to bite the bullet, "Derek and I are having problems Pete, we have for a while, it's not just work obsessions, it's everything, and ultimately we don't communicate well anymore. I thought it would be hard to have the baby, but I didn't care," she took a breath, "and he is trying, but he wants to be chief and he is the incoming one and now there is this malpractice suit," she started to get choked up, "and he's drifting away again."

"Addison," Pete stopped unsure of what to say.

"You don't have to say anything," she replied softly.

"No I do, I know that it's hard not to have him around like you want, but maybe things will be different when he holds the baby," Pete sighed softly, "it can really change a person."

Addison was silent contemplating, "I hate being pregnant alone," she groaned.

"Well you can always come back out here and I'll take care of you both," he said it jokingly but there was a tone to it that stunned Addison.

"Thanks that is really kind of you," she said it cheerfully keeping the serious tone out of her voice.

"No problem, seriously though Addison, I do mean it to an extent, you know we all love you and are here for you." He was upfront about that and she nodded even though he couldn't see her.

"I have to go check on patients," she hesitated, "I'll talk to you soon?"

"Sure thing," and then he was gone.

She stared at her phone thinking about his words, honestly that was all she wanted Derek to say to her, she wanted him to be around and promise to take care of them. Love was one thing, but being there and being a physical part of the family was another. Addison shook her head as she stood; it was time to get back to work.

Remember reviews make me happy and I know there are some alerts for this story now. I love any and all feedback! Review!!! Thanks


	18. My Family

Okay because many of you have reviewed so quickly (thanks!) I decided to be extra nice in return and upload this chapter. The flavor is a little different; let me know what you think please! Usual disclaimer applies.

Ladyforga72: Thanks! I like Pete's character on private practice and I'm trying to find a role for him in the larger context of this story

Crazy-chica6: He is still torn that is true, time apart, interesting….

Xyliette: Glad to see you're still reading! Thanks for the review, more needles lol, noted

Gilmoregirl913: Thanks very much for taking the time to review. Yes Derek does have a bit of a work career ego doesn't he?

Cowboys-and-coffee: This time I don't blame him as much either. She does need to talk to him again, but the last time she did that it took guts, she needs time to muster those up again I think.

Previously: Derek is torn between his responsibilities at the hospital and his wife. Addison has a tough day with a young family but is unwilling to burden her husband.

Summary: Derek returns home from his long day of dealing with the beginnings of the malpractice suit to find his wife asleep and his thoughts take on a life of their own.

Chapter 18: My Family

Derek Shepard loved his job, he was career obsessed and he knew it. Some days however were miserable and there was no way around that. He had been away all day and was feeling guilty. Addison told him it was his duty to manage his time and he failed. The idea of losing her, and the baby, struck a deep chord in him, but he wasn't easily able to fathom giving up his life of work and ambition. Derek arrived home late and glanced around, Addison had come home hours ago, and he figured she was already asleep.

Slowly he made his way up the stairs; his feet felt like lead they were so heavy. He quietly pushed open the door and smiled at the sight of her curled up in bed with her hand resting gently on her stomach. The image made Derek feel even worse because he was struck yet again by the incredible fact that they were going to have a baby. In the early years, Derek was excited about becoming a father, he and Addie planned to start their careers, and then have a family. Somewhere along the line they became good surgeons, renowned for their abilities in the OR. Addison's rise in fame had come more recently, and more rapidly. He still remembered the day the medical journal they subscribed to knocked at their door asking to do a story on her successful separation of conjoined twins. She was mortified and terrified at the idea of doing a photoshoot.

Derek thought it was exciting and demanding his right as her husband to pick out her clothes for it. The magazine allowed him some say and he stayed home that day to watch her model. There were a few different shots, because she was a wife, and a successful career model they did a few different shots; the first one was of her in what Derek thought of as a stunning "Addison" outfit. First was the black skirt that showed off her endless legs, complimented with a light colored snug shirt that was almost off the shoulder and tasteful jewelry under a doctor's coat. Her hair was pulled up and clipped, but a few tendrils framed her face. She was pictured at the hospital standing by the chart station, a gentle and confident smile curved on her lips. The second picture was of her checking one of her patients. The magazine had gotten permission and it had only been slightly staged. Derek remembered the woman was nervous and Addison, nervous as well, calmed her down by literally explaining what she was doing as the camera clicked. The magazine ate it up. The third picture was of her in cozy homemaker's clothes, nice ones, but still, it was the wife picture. Derek had mocked her slightly seated by their counter with her meal. He told her and the photographers she hadn't really cooked anything in the last three years. Her playful and yet resigned smile at his comment was captured forever in print.

Finally they wanted her in an evening dress. Addison thought this was ridiculous and flat out refused until they explained that they wanted her in it, mostly because she was a multi-talented woman and they wanted to show she had a separate life as a woman of stature and class that could compete in a men's world. They went out to a dinner party that night and the magazine came with them. Addison had finally relented on the condition that Derek was allowed to join her so the last photograph had been of the two of them standing in evening wear at the party with people milling in the background. They made a striking couple and Derek was outwardly boasting when he went into work with the magazine. Mark had made some comment about how no one would be looking at Derek and Derek remembered his response, "I hope not, otherwise they have the poorest taste imaginable."

Staring at his wife now he realized the magazine was very right. Addison was born to play the roles of all three, evening wife, house wife and successful career woman. He wasn't sure how she was doing it all so well especially considering his own failures. Derek found himself remembering the first time the topic of kids came up, long before they were married.

Flash back

"Derek, do you want kids?" The question startled him from his medical textbook as he looked up.

"Well, my dad wasn't around much, so in a way I'm not necessarily coming from good role models, but yes I do want kids," he studied her.

"Do you?" He was fairly sure she did, Addison was great with them, and she had a kindness and a sixth sense about taking care of them that Derek loved about her.

"I do, I mean I want a career and a life, but I also do want a family," she smiled fondly imaging it.

"I can tell," he assured her, "and I want one with you."

"Really?" She stood from the couch and walked over to where he was sitting. She plopped down on his lap wrapping her arms around his neck and he grinned up at her.

"Yes, I do," he was certain they would have beautiful children.

"I love you," she kissed him gently and then was back working on the couch. Derek studied her face, she was determined to beat him on this particular test, but he knew that she was currently distracted by thinking of their life together. So was he, and he somehow knew deep down that he was going to propose to her as soon as they graduated from school. The time would be right then to start their life together. Kids would have to wait until after their careers were fully established.

End flashback

Derek sighed; he remembered too well his own words. He felt terribly that he'd let her down, he knew her hope was that they would have had a family by now. Somehow life just kept getting in the way of this particular event. Now it was here, beyond his control, at a time when his whole career had led him to his dream position. Derek knew it was wrong to want something this badly when you were about to become a father. He was forced to acknowledge that he was seriously failing in his marriage vows. Mark was certainly right. Seeing Addison before him in bed waiting for him to come home made him realize she was right too. No one should have to wait for him like she was now. If raising a baby meant that was part of her life too, no, it shouldn't be. Derek also knew himself though, he did know if she left, or raised the baby solo that he would never forgive himself. Not to mention his mother would kick his behind into the next state.

Derek didn't want to give up the job, but he couldn't discount the fact that for the rest of his stay at the hospital as chief life would come first. The hospital would come first and his wife and family second. There was really no way to balance them both and do well at both. He didn't know if he could give up either, but Addison had been there before and she would always be his. It was unfair of him to make her wait for years until he was done although selfishly he wanted them both. He knew if he was in her position he would make her choose, she wasn't making him do that. Addison had given him a chance to discover on his own that being a good husband was more than a part time job, but it was a hard lesson for Derek to learn, and to then adjust to.

He closed his eyes and imagined three paths. The first would be his choice if he could make it happen. It would involve moving, the brownstone was amazing, but he wanted to be outside the city and get Addison a house with a yard. He would still be chief, and Addison would still be a successful career woman. They would have their work day, maybe even taking opposite shifts sometimes. That way one would often be with the baby. He could imagine driving up to the garage and seeing his wife and child in the front yard. Derek knew he'd put up a swing before the baby was even born, children needed a backyard swing, or maybe a swimming pool. Addison would be in her bikini trying to stay cool on a hot summer day. Her body still as finely toned as before their baby's birth. The baby, a girl, at least for now he decided, would be playing on her lap. He would dash upstairs, with a new burst of energy, change into his swimming trunks and come back downstairs, grab a beer and head out to be with them. Then Derek would take her from her mom, and start playing in the pool with her, Addison would bring out the vegetables and while Derek grilled she would change the baby and slip on a light dress. Mark and a significant other would come over for dinner. That was the life he wanted.

The second possibility was slightly less appealing, much the same, minus being chief, he would resign and take up a position in the hospital that he'd had before. Chief of Neurosurgery really wasn't a bad title especially at such a prestigious hospital. He would get more time then to teach his daughter to play softball, he could screen every single one of her dates, and he could show her how to drive an automatic and a stick shift, maybe he could even make it to all of her birthday parties. Derek wasn't stupid; he knew that staying on as chief could mean missing important milestones, first words, losing the baby teeth, the first day of school. He didn't like that idea.

The third was the worst, she would leave him. Derek could barely imagine it, but he would pull up to her nice place outside the city, where he didn't reside. His daughter would run out of the house and Addison would be standing in the doorway with another man. She would have met him after the baby was born, and fallen for his devotion to her. Derek wouldn't hate him, not if she was happy, but he would resent seeing the happy couple there watching. Addison would be polite and invite him to stay for dinner and because he wanted to watch his daughter as much as he could, he would agree to her offer. Dinner would be a quiet affair, too much awkwardness in the air, but her chatter would light up his world for a few short hours. He would tuck her in and then probably get paged back to the hospital. Addison would tilt her cheek for a perfunctory kiss and he would leave them to their blissful life.

Derek shook his head bringing himself out of his thoughts. That last scenario damn near made him sick. Staying with the job was a big choice to make, and it would change the course of his life even more than the baby would because now Addison needed him. It wasn't that Addison didn't need him before, but the co-existence of respect, love and admiration would become a more physical need after the birth of the baby to know he still loved her and would be there for her, Derek knew that from his sisters.

He didn't want to resent the baby or her for needing him. He knew in the long-term that wasn't going to happen, no one could resent two people as perfect as they were. He hadn't met his child yet, but any baby of Addison's would be perfect in his eyes. It would be a super baby. He wanted to see his child grow up, he didn't want to be absent, and he didn't want to be his dad. That was going to require some changes, which did he hate more, giving something up or being like his father? Which did he want to give up? He was pulled from his musings by her stirring.

"Derek," she sensed him and he moved towards the bed.  
"I'm back love," he crawled in next to her and pulled her close.

"I love you," he kissed her cheek and she smiled in her half awake state.

"I'm glad you're back," she responded already falling back to sleep.

"I'll always come back," he promised softly

Derek remained wide awake with his hand over hers gently cradling her stomach and their baby pondering what course their life together would take.


	19. Inaction Makes Choices

Thank you all very much for reviewing, and to those who reviewed for the first time, thanks for sharing your thoughts! Usual creativity only disclaimer applies, any and all original character and plot details are not mine, no profit being made.

Muse-of-the-fairies: You're welcome, for now...evil cackle

Addekislove: Thanks, me too ; ) We'll have to see where my plot bunny goes, sometimes I don't even really know.

Right Hand Blue: Thanks for your thoughts about Derek, as always he seems a little too ego-centric, but there is still the side of him we all love, it just needs to resurface a bit more clearly

Queen Satan: I know right, I can barely imagine them splitting up, although it did actually happen in reality, sigh, that's why I love fanfiction!

KateGreysFan: Thanks! That is very kind of you to say. Enjoy

Crazy-chica6: I know right, scenario two is dream addek, unfortunately I do like angst, and hence the tortured contemplation he had last chapter

Again thanks for the reviews and here's chapter 19!

Previously: Derek begins to realize he's going to have to make some difficult decisions

Summary: Addison decides to help him out with the process as his actions, to her, indicate his choices

Chapter 19: Inaction Makes Choices

Addison woke stretching her arms above her head. Derek was nowhere to be seen and she smiled wearily to herself. This was something she would have to get used to. Suddenly her phone started ringing and she reached over to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Addie, its Mark," the voice made her smile.

"Hi Mark," she hesitated, "is everything okay?"

"Yeah, listen Addie, Derek is holed up in his office managing paperwork, apparently there was some neglect by one of the nurses and he is sitting with the lawyers now trying to figure out if there is any way to spin it differently."

She sighed hearing that "so you're saying he's there all day?"

"Yeah," Mark paused, "he wanted me to call and check in on you as he's going to be stuck here."

"Well thanks, I'm okay," she felt frustration rising.

"Are you sure," Mark could hear strain in her voice.

"It's just this is the job, it's always going to be things like this," she groaned, "and he's not even officially chief yet."

"I know," Mark felt for her.

"Listen Ads," and he paused, "can I call you that?"

Addison hesitated, she actually preferred that Mark didn't use Derek's nickname.

"Yeah, that's fine," she said quickly.

"Okay listen, why don't I take you out to lunch, Derek wants to make sure you get good food and plenty of it, then we'll take him food and you can say hi. After that we should take a look at the baby room," Mark offered.

She listened surprised that he was being so open offering his time.

"Mark, are you sure?"

"Yeah, it's no problem Ads, really I'll pick you up in about an hour?"

"Sure," she felt herself feel slightly more cheerful at the thought of not being in her house all day.  
"I've got to check on some patients so that'll work out well," she said finally.

"Okay, see you soon," and he hung up.

She showered and pulled on some business casual clothing.

He arrived promptly at twelve, "let's feed you and baby," he grinned at her and she found herself smiling back.

Once they were seated and had placed their order he eyed her.

"What's going on?" He sounded curious and sympathetic at the same time.

"This isn't working, it won't work," she sounded so sad.

"Oh Ads," he grasped her hand.

"No Mark, it really isn't, I mean he isn't even chief yet," she fought back her tears and met his compassionate eyes, "he has to say no to this soon, otherwise I can't stay."

"What are you saying," Mark knew she was capable of leaving, but he hated to hear her say it out loud.

"Derek won't give this up unless he realizes I mean it, I hate to put him in this position, but he hasn't yet figured out he can't do it," she shook her head at his ambition.

"He hates to admit he can't do something," Mark knew what she meant.

"This isn't enough, he's never around, I mean I'd be decorating the room with you," she realized how that sounded, "not that I don't love you, but he's my husband."

"Of course," Mark quickly assured her, "I understand."

"I need you to do something for me as a friend," her eyes pleaded with him.

"Anything," he promised.

"I need you to keep an eye out for some apartments close by," she finally said.

"Okay," he hid his shock.

"It's just if I look Derek will notice," she figured.

"Right, so are you moving out," he wasn't sure he wanted the answer.

"I think we need some time apart, that way he can decides if he wants it to be permanent," she whispered.

"Ads, for what it's worth, he doesn't want to lose you," Mark hated advocating for his jack-ass friend, but he felt like he had to tell her that.

"Yeah I know," she nodded, "but he's still absent Mark, and honestly it's not fair for the baby if we're not clear on our future by the time it's born."  
"What do you mean?" Mark studied her.

"Derek and I will either stay separated and it'll be what works best which means I'll file for divorce, or" she sighed, "he'll decide to put us first and we'll work things out, I'll move in again and we'll be a family," she felt tears trickle down her cheek and she brushed them away hurriedly.

"Okay," Mark tried to sound supportive, "I'll keep my eye out."

Their food arrived and they ate mostly in silence. Addison realized that she could trust Mark to help her; she was at the end of her rope. Derek had said nothing about giving up the chief job, and he was still failing miserably at balancing. This wasn't a one time thing, things like malpractice suits were part of the job and they were a huge suck of time and energy.

"Ready?" Mark's voice broke through her thoughts and she nodded.

They drove towards the hospital and Mark glanced her briefly, "when are you going to tell him?"

"That I'm moving out?" she paused.

"Yeah," he kept driving resisting the urge to glance at her again.

"I don't know," she whispered, "I want to wait until some of this has settled down, it's mean to do it right now."

"Yeah," he pulled into a parking spot and escorted her into the building.

She dropped the food off for Derek and headed to check on Jackie and Jimmy.

"Dr. Shepard, you're here," the nurse looked relieved.

"What's going on," she took the chart.

"Fetal distress," the nurse replied cryptically.

"The heartbeat is slowing rapidly" Addison frowned.

"There's spotting," the nurse whispered to her and Addison sighed inwardly.

"She's miscarrying," god she hated these moments.

"What do you want to do," the nurse waited.

"She's not far enough along to deliver," Addison closed her eyes briefly, "there's no way to stop it."

She squared her shoulders and walked in.

"Jackie?"

"Dr. Shepard," the woman looked up, "how's Jimmy?"

"Jimmy seems to be fine, I have his chart and I'm on my way to examine him," she hoped that was true. Addison glanced again at the chart wishing she was wrong about this, but there was really no way to prevent a miscarriage.

"Jackie, we need to talk about your baby," she said finally.

"What's wrong?" the young woman's eyes widened, "I thought everything was okay, I mean I'm really sore, and my stomach still feels awful, but I thought it was okay. Is the baby not okay?"

"We had hoped so, the bruising was minimal, but it seems that the trauma has caused complications with your pregnancy," Addison hated to say this but she had no choice, "Jackie you're having a miscarriage, that's why you're cramping and spotting."

"Is there no way to stop it?" Jackie studied her with tears rising.

"I'm sorry, the baby's heart rate is declining as we speak and there's no way to deliver safely. The contractions aren't going to subside."

The young woman began to sob softly, "Can you get my husband? He's downstairs grabbing a cup of coffee."

Addison silently cursed for not asking about him first and she nodded, "of course."

She found a young man standing in front of the coffee machine and going up to him, "Mr.Bingham?"

"Yes?" He looked up and she fought to keep her composure in public, he was so young, she didn't want to scare him completely.

"I'm Dr. Shepard, I've been treating your wife, can we talk somewhere private," she asked.

He followed her upstairs and she stopped him before they entered his wife's room.

"Your wife is miscarrying," she took a deep breath, "it's too early in the pregnancy to deliver and the accident caused fetal distress, there's no way to stop the contractions and cramping," she whispered, "I'm so sorry."

The young man stared blankly at her and then asked hoarsely, "my wife?"

"She will make a complete recovery," Addison murmured, "physically she'll be fine, emotionally it will be a struggle for her."

"I'll be there for her," he straightened up and walked into her room going straight to her side. Addison watched him wrap his arms around her and quickly turned away. She found herself wondering if Derek would do the same for her if she needed him to. Would he stand by her side, would he leave her if he was called away? Her fears were suddenly making themselves known. It wasn't fair that she had to question his devotion to her at this point, it just wasn't. She needed him to be there for her, and there was only one way to start sorting through what was still real with them, despite all that had happened in the past months. She had a sudden urge to see her own husband. His decision to stick with the job and not realize that this malpractice was the final straw for her was a decisive action that made his choice abundantly clear; at least at this point.

Derek was just exiting the conference room as she walked up and as tired as he was from a morning of reviewing the case and preparing testimony because they were most likely going to court he noticed his wife's face.

"Addison, are you alright," he felt a flash of fear shoot through him.

She walked straight towards him with tears streaking her cheeks; he opened his arms to receive her shaking body.

"Shush, it's okay," he soothed. He didn't ask what had happened; he simply guided her to his office and sat on the couch pulling her into his arms.

"My patient miscarried," she whispered and he sighed to himself.

"You're healthy and you're going to stay that way," he assured her.

"I thought she was going to be fine, it's been almost forty eight hours since the accident," she sniffled pulling away from him.

"Addison, these things just happen sometimes, but we're going to make sure you stay safe, I promise you, we'll be holding the baby before you know it." He searched her saddened eyes hoping she would believe, like he did, that everything would be fine.

"Yeah," she looked down feeling exhausted, "I'm a mess," she wiped her tears away.

"It's okay, you still look beautiful," Derek smiled at her tenderly.

"I'll see you later," she stood up suddenly feeling nervous about saying anything. He was so tired; she hated to do this now when everything was so emotional. He rose next to her.

"Are you staying," he frowned ready to send her home if she said yes.

"No, I'm going home," she whispered, "Derek we need to talk."

She couldn't believe what she was about to say, she didn't think she had the spine for it, but seeing the young man treat Jackie so carefully and as if she was the most important thing to him made her realize that she and Derek needed to figure things out.

"What is it," he looked alarmed.

"Derek I'm moving out," she squared her shoulders and met his eyes feeling a surge of energy, "we need to decide what we're going to do in the future, before the baby arrives and I think some time apart to re-evaluate what we are to each other is the best way to do this. I'm going to find an apartment by the end of the week."

Her husband just stared at her in shock and silence.


	20. Time Apart

Thanks everyone for taking the time to submit reviews! They're always appreciated.

Crazy-Chica6: Hehe, yes space, lots of space is good

Queen Satan: No one ever said this would be easy, space is good, breathing is good for couples (and you too), try and relax, you have my word that this is a genuine attempt by Addison to salvage her relationship. Derek, well I don't know what to tell you just yet.

KateGreysFan: as requested…enjoy

Muse-of-the-fairies: realism is my middle name, sort of

Right Hand Blue: Derek is a little lost right now, however Addison is determined, and heaven help us all when she gets her mind fixated on something

SeriouslyAddison: Thanks for reading and reviewing! Stay with it, no promises for immediate sunshine and roses

Previously: Addison witnesses her patient with her husband and the bond they share, determined to help Derek realize how far they've gone off course she tells him she's moving out

Summary: Derek reels in shock and uncertainty, they deal with tension, hurt feelings and reality as he prepares to leave.

Chapter 20: Time Apart

"What," Derek felt like he'd been punched in the gut, or worse, lower where it really would hurt. He felt his breath hitch as he stared at his beautiful wife, for the first time in a long time he saw her. She looked frustrated and broken, confused and irritated.

Addison watched her husband's face drain of all color. Her guilt rose, but she squashed it, he was responsible for this decision, and it was his doing that was making her request this.

"Addie," he croaked her name wondering how he could possibly change her mind.

"Derek," her voice didn't waver, and that scared him the most. He couldn't see that she was a quaking mess on the inside. She seemed so certain.

"Derek," she repeated his name and stood her ground refusing to be drawn into his deep gaze.

"Yeah," he felt tears welling up and suddenly felt so tired, so utterly lost.

"Look," she sighed softly, "its not permanent okay?"

His stunned expression gave her pause, was she really doing the right thing by leaving him? His thoughts were racing, she had considered this? He couldn't bring himself to ask if she was talking about a divorce.

"Derek, this isn't the end of us," she tried to smile; "this is us on pause."

"Pause," a word from him, finally, again not much, but she continued anyway relieved he was hearing her.

"We need a break," she wasn't sure if this explanation was enough for him and she saw his shoulders slump in defeat.

"God Addie, I've really done it haven't I? You're sure about this?" He was asking her, but he wasn't going to beg for her to reconsider.

She couldn't affirm that statement, the expression 'kicking a hurt puppy' came to mind.

"We're not over Derek," she needed to say it out-loud, for both of them.

"What does this mean?" Addison realized with his question that he had no idea why she was doing this, and that ultimately was why she had to insist.

"It means we get time apart to see who we are without each other," that was one way she could explain it. So many other reasons came to mind, all of which he was going to have to figure out on his own, she wasn't going to do the work for him, otherwise it wouldn't be real. They would never get back to "them" unless he was able to reconnect with her by meeting her half way and understanding what his choices had done to their marriage, how they'd effectively side-lined her as an observer to his life.

"Right," he blew out a short breath and ran his hand through his thick wavy hair, and Addison forced herself to concentrate on the situation.

"I'll get a hotel room," he met her eyes.

"What?" She raised her eyebrows uncertainly.

"You're pregnant Addie, there is absolutely no way you should be the one moving out of the house," he laughed bitterly, "I'd never be in it anyway."

That statement alone was the problem, "okay," she whispered, "that sounds good."

"I'll be home at six to pack up some stuff," he glanced at her, "I'll see you soon," and then he was gone.

Addison exhaled once he walked out, she had done it. Now all she needed to do was figure out how to make this separation mean something.

Derek was home at six as he'd promised. He spent the afternoon in meetings feeling dazed and out of focus. He knew things weren't perfect, knew that he had failed her on several levels, but it turned out that Mark was right, to an extent. Addison had decided on a separation, but it wasn't the end. Again he had control of the outcome, but he wasn't so sure that was what he wanted.

She was standing in the kitchen dishing up take-out Chinese food when he walked in. He noted there was enough for two and decided to wait in the doorway for her to say something.

"I thought we could eat before you pack," she continued to face away from him and he felt a lump in his throat.

"Okay," it was beginning to dawn on him that he was leaving his house and his pregnant wife. He hated this, but it was her idea, her decision and her choice. Except he had a nagging feeling maybe it was actually somehow his fault.

"Here," she set two plates on the table, "wine?"

He shook his head, he didn't feel like it.

"You can you know, just because I can't, it shouldn't stop you," a bitter tone crept into her voice.

"I'm not in the mood," he responded evenly.

They sat eating in silence, each pondering the next few hours. Addison wondering how she was going to sleep with the bed cold and empty, a choice she was going to have to live with making. Derek was quiet with the uncertainty of where they were headed.

Derek finished first and cleared his plate, "I'll go pack," he exited the kitchen and Addison rubbed her eyes with her palms. She could stay collected until he left.

After a few minutes in the kitchen doing dishes she wandered into the living room and sat down on the couch intending on watching TV, but she somehow couldn't turn it on. Her husband was upstairs preparing to move out, and the tension in the air was palpable. This wasn't what she wanted; she didn't want him to leave when they were like this.

Slowly she stood and squared her shoulders, she could do this, she had to try and smooth things over. It was a separation, not an estrangement.

Derek heard her footsteps and glanced up somewhat surprised when she appeared in the doorway.

There was still a deathly silence and heaviness in the air, she moved towards the bed and sat down on it watching him pack.

"Where are you staying?" She had to know.

"The Sheraton downtown," he finally responded still not looking at her.

"Okay," the silence again overtook the room and Addison felt smothered.

"Derek," she hesitated.

He stopped rooting through his drawer and turned to face her; she swallowed her nervousness and met his steady gaze.

"I never wanted this, but it's the only way," she whispered.

"See that's what I don't get," his voice rose a notch, "if you don't want it, then why Addison? Why are you asking for this?"

"You don't know why, you don't understand," she smiled sadly, "that's why."

"So if I could read your mind and see what you see, you wouldn't ask for this," he snorted, "That's really fair Addison."

"Don't Derek, don't turn this on me," she said warningly.

He took a deep breath to control his temper and glanced at her, "I'm sorry I snapped at you." His frustration was threatening to make him say more that he would regret. He turned away from her again and took out of the rest of his clothes.

She watched him fight his anger and decided to give him a minute to calm down. He internalized things easily and she could tell he was doing it now.

Derek closed the drawer with a slam loud enough to make her flinch and stalked into the bathroom, but he left the door open. Addison waited fiddling with her sweater cuffs. He was angry, and she supposed he was hurt, but she couldn't really help him unless he let her. She bit back a sob when she saw him emerge with his razor and toothbrush. She had to be strong, she couldn't beg him to stay, she couldn't change him; he had to do it on his own on his own volition.

"I know you're confused," she affirmed, "it's just because we need time, apart, the two of us need to be on the same page Derek."

He said nothing and continued to pack silently.

"If you don't understand why we need this, then you don't get where I am right now. You don't understand my fears, my worries, my vision of our life together if you continue pulling away," she hesitated, "we need to find common ground Derek, before the baby. We need to pick a course of action; a path to follow that is one we both agree on."

He looked uncertain, "meaning?"

"We need space," she said firmly. She wasn't ready yet to tell him her end game. If he thought divorce was a possibility he would stay to prevent it. She wanted him to walk back to her to save their marriage because he needed her, not because he didn't want to lose her.

"Addison," he met her gaze with a sudden sadness and regret that took her by surprise.

"Yes," she studied him realizing her ability to read her husband was significantly diminished.

"I know I'm not an ideal husband, I know things have changed," he zipped up the bag and glanced around their room taking in every last detail. He finished his scan resting his gaze on his beautiful wife.

"I know you think I'm self-centered, that I'm too career orientated, I don't like that about myself Addison, I never really have, but I can't seem to change it as easily as I had hoped," it was him trying to admit he had flaws.

"You're not perfect Derek, you can't be the perfect everything, life doesn't work that way," she whispered.

"I know," he looked down, "I almost wish it did."

He decided to tell her about his visions for their future.

"The other night, when I came home and you were sleeping," he managed a watery smile for her, "I saw our life working out in one of three ways. The first was where I managed to be the perfect guy, husband, chief, father, we were so happy. We owned a house with a pool and a swing set, we had barbeques in the backyard, it was like a paradise," he saw her smile widen at that image and he felt guilt creep in.

"The second was where I wasn't chief, we still had the house and a wonderful life, but I couldn't be the perfect everything," that was how he saw it and Addison felt a flash of pain for him. Not being the best at everything automatically made him a failure. He was such a perfectionist.

"Then the final scenario was that I failed us," he fought tears, "you found someone who treated you like you deserve, and I would come over to see our baby, you'd wave me off after I tucked her in with his arm around you," and he really did break down.

Addison felt her own tears spill over as she struggled to comprehend the idea of another man in her life.

"Derek, I don't want that to happen anymore than you do," she whispered.

"But you deserve that, you deserve someone who will never hurt you," he murmured.

"No, I deserve to have the man I love in my life, I deserve more from him than I'm getting, but Derek I don't want someone else, I just want you," she stood taking his face in her hands and forcing him to look at her, "where are you?"

His eyes closed and he rested his forehead against hers tiredly, "I'm sorry Addie."

"You haven't lost me," she assured him, "I still need you," and she wanted him to know that.

"I need you too, but I want you to be happy," he persisted.

"I think you know that you can make that happen," she reminded him and he wiped his eyes with shaky hands feeling completely and utterly drained.

"I'll see you at work tomorrow," she tried to smile at him and he nodded in response.

"Okay Addie, I'll see you soon," he kissed her forehead and walked out of the room.

Addison heard the front door shut and she felt tears start streaming down her cheeks. She could feel her entire body crumple and she curled up on the bed. She had just made her husband leave her, pregnant and alone. Her hormones raged and she felt as though she had just inflicted torture upon her very being.

"Damn it," she sobbed feeling a sudden urge to throw something.

Her phone lay next to her and suddenly it began to vibrate, she took a steadying breath and answered without looking at the caller identification.

"Hello?"

"Addie," it was him.

"Yeah," she couldn't hide the tears in her voice and she heard them in his as he spoke again.

"I know we're not where we used to be, but I do still love you, I need you to know that," he spoke softly but resolutely.

"I love you too," she whispered back and the line went dead.

Derek heard her voice thick with tears and it took all of his self control not to turn the car around. She wanted this and he felt deep down on some level she was right in requesting it. However the fact she was willing to go this far meant he had pushed her tolerance further than he thought.

He had climbed into the taxi, the car he decided she should keep for getting to and from work, and felt a deep sense of failure. Somehow he felt like he could see through into their room, he could picture her curled on the bed crying. Derek cursed his blind stupidity under his breath. After a minute he realized he could call her, she wanted space, but as he left he hadn't told her he loved her. She needed to know.

Addison felt her tears slow after she hung up the phone, this was no doubt one of the hardest decisions she ever made, one of the most difficult choices she ever faced, but their future was not clear, nor happy and she fervently hoped that rebuilding their marriage before the baby was born would give her the family she so desperately wanted.

Reviews make me very very happy.


	21. What did I do?

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't posted in the past few days. I've had some work to do. Anyway, thanks to new reviewers! Wow, eight reviews for a chapter, thanks so much!

Right so…

Right Hand Blue: Okay happier? Thanks very much, it's hard to write situations you aren't in, but I love them, so I tried

KateGreysFan: Painful? Sorry! But thanks, again, it's important for me to be realistic, but still, it was painful to write as well

Addiekatefan: Thanks, here you go!

Simbagirl: No worries, I know how that is. I appreciate your comments. I don't like Mark much on the show, but I think he is a decent enough guy, he has issues sure, and I haven't decided on level of Maddison, but regardless I want him to be a genuinely good guy.

Muse-of-the-fairies: thanks and glad you enjoy it

Ficklewriter: Hi! Thanks very much, realistic is hard to imagine in the AU universe, but I try and watch Addek moments if I get confused and it seems to help

Queen Satan: Yeah, it is sad. I hope he does too, but he's still very human

Crazy-chica6: thanks, and yes the ball is in his court, we'll see how he decides to serve back, glad you know…I only hope

Sidenote I don't like poems much on fanfiction and I'm not a huge fan of song fics, but I like varying things a little so the lyrics here are only bits of "It must have been love," the Roxette version. I don't own them.

Okay without further adieu, usual TV disclaimer applies and off we go….

Chapter 21: What did I do?

Addison stood staring out her window. It was raining in New York. She wasn't really surprised, in the winter months it was gloomy, depressing even. Derek was gone and the loss was palpable even inside the house where he rarely set foot anyway. There was something about him officially moving out that was unsettling to her. She wasn't paranoid but she was also nervous with the baby coming. She turned away feeling uncharacteristically chilly. Rooting through her drawer she found a shawl he bought her while he was at a medical conference in India, years ago. It was soft and warm and she pulled it closer wrapping her arms around her stomach. The bathroom light was on and for some reason it seemed too cheerful for her mood so she walked to the doorway to turn it off. Once glance at the empty counter reminder her of what her life was like, none of Derek's daily things rested beside her own, much like his body no longer warmed the bed. She wanted him and his presence surrounding her.

"Lay a whisper on my pillow  
Leave the winter on the ground  
I wake up lonely, is there a silence  
In the bedroom and all around

Touch me now, I close my eyes  
And dream away..."

She missed him, she missed everything about him, even arguing with him or wondering if he would come home. Addison wanted him to come back, she closed her eyes and imagined the day he would walk into her life and sweep her off her feet. She may have decided this was a good idea, but sometimes she just wasn't sure why.

"I miss you," she whispered out loud, she missed contact and human comfort.

Just then she heard the doorbell ring and she headed downstairs.

"Mark?" She smiled opening it.

"Hey Ads, I talked to Derek today, he had a surgery and wasn't sure if he could make it over for dinner," he hesitated, "he asked me if I could stop by for a bit, drop you off some groceries," sure enough he was holding two paper bags worth of food and Addison stepped aside letting him walk in.

"How is he?" She followed him into the kitchen and walked up next to him to help put things away.

"He's fine," Mark hesitated, "I think he misses you though, his smile is sad."

He suddenly noticed she was unpacking the food and stopped her by pulling the bag away.

"Sit, I'll do it," he ordered.

Addison decided to obey and watched him easily stock her shelves, sometimes she forgot how easily he fit into the situations he was in.

"Do you want to stay for dinner," she finally offered.

Mark smiled at her, "thanks for the offer, but Derek is going to try to make it and I got a hot date tonight."

She rolled her eyes, "oh really?"

"What?" He looked offended and she decided to be nice.

"Okay fine, how about you help a pregnant woman make her husband dinner," she finally offered.

He suddenly looked uncomfortable, "I don't want you to be upset if he doesn't show, or mad at me. I'm not sure if he will, he'd like to, but…" he trailed off.

"I know," and she did, "but two of us still have to eat, and I don't mean you since you have a hot date."

"For you and baby, anything," he quickly acquiesced.

They cooked mostly in easy companionship, a few jokes and tid-bits about their day shared, but mostly just easy friendship

She finally broke the silence with a serious topic, "Mark, I don't know what I did," she whispered.

"What do you mean," he stopped chopping the vegetables and glanced her way.

"Did I destroy my marriage?" her voice broke and the tears came.

"No," and he was next to her wrapping his strong arms around her and pulling her close.

"No, you didn't," he assured her feeling her pain as if it was his own.

"What if I destroyed everything, what if this is the last straw, what if he doesn't come back, what if our marriage is over and it's because of me?" Her tears were choking her and she clutched him almost frantically.

"It must have been love, but it's over now  
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow  
It must have been love, but it's over now  
From the moment we touched till the time had run out"

"Addison," he rubbed her back soothingly, "you did what you had to do."

"Did I," she hated how weak she sounded, and felt.

"Yes," he had no doubts.

"Why do you think that," she had to know, maybe Mark had some magical foresight powers.

"Because you're Derek and Addison," he smiled thinking of their life together, "and you have a baby growing inside you Ads, it is proof of that."

"But Mark," she was cut off by him.

"He'll come back to you Addison, it might not be right away, but he will. Do you know why?"

"Why," she whimpered.

"Because he loves you so much honey, he's lost, and he's confused, he may be egocentric, even a jackass, but he loves you," Mark had no doubt of this.

"Derek could decide we're not enough, he might never really be here," she whispered.

"He will have to make a choice Addison," Mark finally affirmed.

"What if he doesn't choose us," a scenario that almost made her physically ill.

"He will, he doesn't ultimately has a choice, he just doesn't see that yet," Mark knew his friend couldn't leave her.

"Am I being mean," she did feel terrible.

"No Ads, you're not," he gave her a gentle squeeze, "you're absolutely not."

"Really?" Mark was Derek's best friend and she knew Mark would tell her the truth if she was really being mean to him.

"He does need a reality check, and best it come from you, you are not in the wrong here." Mark hated his friend, no pregnant woman should have to deal with this different situation as well.

"Okay," she whispered, "you know why I wanted this Mark?"

"Why," he thought he did, but maybe not.

"Because I wish he was here," she hesitated, "I miss being held."

He said nothing, but within his arms she could pretend more easily that it was Derek who was here with her. It was an illusion she happily embraced for she feared that she would turn to one giant puddle if she couldn't have him.

"Make believing we're together  
That I'm sheltered by your heart  
But in and outside I turn to water  
Like a teardrop in your palm

And it's a hard winter's day  
I dream away..."

She pulled back feeling suddenly pathetic and he rested his chin on her head.

"Are you alright," his voice was full of concern.

"Yeah," she wasn't really sure.

"You're not in the wrong," he whispered, "He needed this."

She pulled away, "will you tell me if he's going to leave me Mark?"

He stared at her, "I think you'll know before anyone else Ads, I won't. He won't leave you."

"But Mark," she stared into his eyes trying to discern and found only calm.

Suddenly his lips were to close and before she knew it she was kissing him frantically like she was an animal starved for food.

"Addison," he pushed her away and searched her eyes waiting for her to realize.

"Oh God," she stepped back like she had been burned

"Mark, I…" she had no excuse.

"Mark I'm sorry, it's just you were here, I don't know what Derek and I are going to do, I'm so worried about our future, about the baby, I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I'm sorry, I can't cheat on him, I don't know what we're going to do. It's hard, I mean if we divorce, I'll need a friend. You've been such a great friend, I can't lose you. I just, I needed you," in her frantic ramble she somehow managed to realize that Mark had moved in again.

He was holding both sides of her face and he was smiling sadly at her.

"Addison, I wish you weren't faced with this, god knows I'd do anything to spare you pain, but life isn't like that. I want to be your friend, and no matter what happens with Derek, I will be here. I know you don't want to lose our friendship. I won't deny that I find you to be a strong, talented, beautiful and absolutely amazing woman, but this isn't right. I shouldn't have put you in this position, I'm sorry."

She could only stare brokenly at him wishing the last few minutes could be redone.

He pulled away with a look of terrible sadness in his eyes, "I should go."

"Mark," she whispered feeling as though her last safety net was tearing apart.

"I'll see you soon, please don't hesitate to call," he smiled and then walked away.

She saw him leave and realized that when Derek walked away she feared the loss of their life together. Now she also feared the loss of a dear friend.

" It must have been love, but it's over now  
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without  
It must have been love, but it's over now  
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows"

"Mark," the door closed behind him and Addison felt the tears start falling.

She couldn't stand there feeling pathetic, he was gone, but she had to focus on what she did. What did she do?

She kissed Mark, not Derek, but Mark. Why?

She was so stupid. The day she met Derek, their courtship, medical school, marriage, internships, it was all there. It had been good then; all she wanted was that goodness back again. That was all she wanted. Mark had been there through it all, did he love her? She saw the grief in his eyes, even if he did; he was their friend, first and foremost. He saw it all happen and now, she choked back a sob, and now he could be gone forever…and maybe Derek with him.

"It must have been love, but it's over now  
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow  
It must have been love, but it's over now  
From the moment we touched till the time had run out"

Had time really run out for her and Derek? She refused to believe it was true, she was still in the battle, and she wanted them to win. She didn't want their life together to be over. Their time hadn't run out, somehow Mark had to be right. Derek had to come back to her.


	22. We all Make Mistakes

Hey everyone, thanks for the reviews. I've got another chapter in the wings about done, so please do review and let me know what you think and I'll get that up pretty soon.

Notes for this chapter, there is a bit of language but I think it fits under the "T" rating.

Also usual disclaimer applies.

Queen Satan: I like Mark, but not so sure about the Maddison. Derek should start coming around soon

Right Hand Blue: Continue to have faith, force should not be necessary.

Crazy-chica6: Mark and Addison have a complicated relationship on the show, in this fiction it is still complex, but different because Mark is less of a man-whore (although he still gets around).

Addiekatefan: Your comment made me realize that in fact there was really no Derek in that chapter. I think the separation in my mind sort of implied a break of interaction between them. He's back…

Ficklewriter: Yeah, not that he minded it, but still, she is completely undone at this point in time and he is one of her reality checks

Simbagirl: Ahhh, well you shall see presently…

Previously: Addison accidentally kisses Mark

Summary: Things continue to spiral out of control with Derek and Addison

Chapter 22: We all Make Mistakes

Addison woke up feeling the morning sickness hit her full force. She rushed to the bathroom before she emptied the contents of her stomach. Derek hadn't made it over the previous night and for once Addison was grateful. She had kissed his best friend, she was a horrible person. It was time to admit that no matter what issues existed in her marriage that trust was not really one of them. Trust was something she had in Derek and while they couldn't communicate and sometimes she wondered if the job was more important, deep down she knew that if push came to shove he was always on her side. That didn't mean it worked out that way in everyday life, but still, it was something. This mistake she made, well it turned the tables. However, she couldn't pretend it didn't happen, could she?

After getting dressed she called Naomi.

"Hi babe," her friend's voice came over the line.

"Hi you," Addison hesitated, "I need your advice."

"What's going on?" Naomi heard her friend's tone waver.

"I accidentally kissed Mark," and she waited.

Naomi heard what her friend said, but her mind refused to process it. First off, accidentally? Naomi didn't believe that for one second, and the other question that entered her mind was if Mark had somehow planned it.

"Accidentally?" She had to start somewhere

"I didn't even realize it until he pushed me away," Addison explained.

Well that ruled out Mark's having a huge role in it, Naomi was fairly sure Mark was a decent guy, but Addison had always been a little close to him for her personal taste.

"I just," Addison sighed, "it just happened and now I don't know if I should tell Derek or not."

She realized then that she hadn't told Naomi about her decision, "I told him I was going to move out, but he offered instead."

"What!" Her friend's sharp exclamation made her wince.

"I'm sorry I didn't call you earlier to tell you, but this just happened," she took a breath, "I needed distance Naomi, and he has gone so far from me that until he figures that out, I can't take it."

"So what are you going to do, get a divorce?" Naomi was feeling stunned but she had so many questions that sympathy wasn't the only thing she was trying to get across. She had no idea how her friend was planning in solving her problems this way.

"I can't get Derek to realize what our marriage has become unless he's just not here," she argued forcefully.

"Okay," Naomi soothed.

"I need this Nae, the thing is, well I know you don't agree, but I have to hope he'll choose me and we settle this before the baby is born, otherwise I may ask him for a divorce."

"I hope you don't have to Addie," Naomi sighed regretfully.

"Should I tell Derek?" That was the real question.

"I think you need to, because knowing you the guilt will eat away and get in the way of your attempts to fix the relationship, maybe you can blame this accidental lapse in judgment on him," Naomi said half jokingly.

Addison managed a soft chuckle, "he'll hate me even more if I do that."

"He doesn't hate you honey, he's couldn't possibly," Naomi was surprised and concerned to hear how easily that statement fell from her friend's lips.

"Yeah," she didn't sound convinced and Naomi groaned inwardly.

"Honey, he does love you, really and truly, I should just come out there and set you both straight," she offered almost seriously.

"Thanks, but we'll make it work somehow, at some point," Addison hesitated, "So yes to telling him?"

"Honesty is the key, just go for it and pray the fallout isn't too bad," Naomi urged.

"Suddenly I'm filled with confidence," Addison rolled her eyes holding back a snort of annoyance.

"Easy does it babe, you're carrying someone else around who doesn't like mommy to be upset," Naomi reminded her.

"Well, it's a little late for that, but I know," and she did, she feared sometimes this amount of turmoil was going to have negative effects on her health.

"Love you dear," Naomi smiled.

"I'll call you soon," Addison hung up and reached for her bag, it was time to start with some good old fashioned honesty.

At the hospital:

Mark was watching Derek from across the room; he had no idea if Addison would tell him about the kiss. Mark knew it wasn't his place, but suddenly it was standing in the way of his own friendship with Derek. He decided not to press her so soon, but it had to come out sooner or later. In the meantime avoidance was a logical thing to practice, he quickly headed out of the admit area.

Derek scanned his chart feeling as though someone was watching him; he sensed his friend lurking and caught sight of a tall figure out of the corner of his eye. IT was mark he was fairly sure, but why his friend wasn't coming over to say hello was beyond him. When he looked up to make eye contact, Mark was gone.

"Derek?" He turned to see his wife walking in his direction, she looked stressed and exhausted.

"What happened," he moved towards her rapidly, "is the baby alright?"

She nodded, that much was true.

"Can we talk?" she studied him trying to decide what kind of mood he wa sin.

Without another word he guided her to his office and closed the door.

"What's wrong Addie," and she fought back tears at the nickname.

"I was home last night," she dropped her gaze wishing she had thought this out more, but contrived it would sound too rehearsed, maybe this was better.

"I was missing you in the house, your presence everywhere and I was trying to convince myself that I did the right thing," she met his gaze, he didn't look perturbed yet.

"Mark showed up with food saying he saw you and that you were in surgery," and Derek nodded in response. So far so good, at least she hoped.

"I asked him to stay to help make dinner," she finally said, "we got talking and I just started rambling about all my self doubts, all my fears and how I thought I'd done the wrong thing, how I wondered if I had chased you away for good," she couldn't help the choking sound that came after her words and Derke moved towards her.

"Addie baby," he reached for her arms and she stepped back shaking her head.

"Before I knew what was happening he was trying to calm me down," she smiled shakily, "I wanted it to be you Derek, but I knew you weren't there and I blamed myself for that. I blame myself for all of it."

"All of what," her husband looked appropriately confused.

"I blanked out for a minute," she knew it was true, she didn't remember launching herself at him really, and it was all a blur.

"The next thing I knew he was pushing me away from him, I kissed him Derek, I kissed Mark," she felt the tears sliding down her cheeks and they burned. She deserved so much worse.

Derek just stared at her like he'd seen a stranger.

"What?" His voice was hoarse.

"I'm so sorry Derek, god I'm so sorry, I didn't think about it, it just happened, it was just some incredibly stupid accidental lapse in judgment, I missed you so much and he was there trying to offer me what I needed from you. I know I made you leave, I never thought it would be so hard, please Derek, please forgive me," she knew she was begging, but the news was out, and the situation was out of her control.

"Don't," his voice was harsh.

"You didn't' want me to leave because you wanted him did you?" His accusation hit her hard and she blanched.

"No Derek, not once, not ever," she whispered desperately trying to find some ounce of forgiveness in his face, but the muscles were tight, his jaw was clenched and his eyes were a sharp piercing blue.

"That's why Mark didn't come over and say hello," he realized

Addison felt a flash of pain for Mark; once again he was in the middle.

"He had nothing to do with it Derek, it was all my own stupidity, my own panic," and she wondered if now he might understand.

"Panic," that did cause him to meet her eyes questioningly.

"I know you don't get it yet, but Derek even though I think this is the right thing for us now, that doesn't mean I don't spend every moment wondering if this is going to help us, if we're going to make it," she sighed feeling beaten, "I don't want this to be the end of us."

"Well," Derek sighed, "you kissing my best friend isn't really the best way to go about showing that," despite his mean words his voice too sounded tired.

"I know," she looked down at her shoes.

"I have to go," he said finally, "I've got a surgery."

"Where are we?" She asked fearfully.

"I'm sorry Addie, I just don't know," and then he was gone.

She sank down on the couch feeling smaller and more insignificant than ever.

"Derek?" Mark's voice suddenly floated through the door along with a knock.

Oh of all people to suddenly show up, she could have sworn the Gods had it in for her.

The door opened and his face appeared, "Addison?"

"Hi Mark," she glanced at him and he entered sitting down next to her on the couch.

"You probably shouldn't be in here with me alone," she finally said aware that if Derek returned he'd get the wrong idea.

"You told him," it wasn't a question.

"Yeah," she glanced at him, "he was so disappointed in me Mark."

He said nothing.

"You probably are too," she realized.

"No Addison just worried, about you both, and the baby, you have got to work this out sooner rather than later, the stress isn't good for you," he urged.

"Naomi said that too," she nodded.

"Well she's right," Mark paused, "I should go, I need to talk to him, although now it's going to be harder."

"I'm sorry, I needed to tell him," She felt like screaming.

"Yeah," Mark stood up, "I'll see you later."

He'd only been gone a few minutes before Derek entered again and his face was not happy.

She braced herself for whatever he was about to say.

"Addison, I really wish you hadn't done that. If our marriage is really in this bad a shape and you had me move out, this doesn't look good. I know you can't talk to me because I'm not around, but when did you stop trying?"

She found herself ready to throw bricks at him, "Derek!"

"I mean what gives you the right to open the door to him," and he was off and running with complete disregard for his own role in it.

Addison knew he was angry, but irrational was a behavior that didn't suit her husband.

"You're being stupid," she hissed.

"Did you sleep with him?" Derek glared at her.

"NO!" She was struck by a deep sense of betrayal.

"Just checking, I suppose that is next on the list," he snapped.

"No Derek, no it's not, if I can't have you then I'm not about to move on to our best friend," she wanted to hit him in the face with a pillow as hard as she could, "Derek he is our best friend."

"Thanks Addie, that really makes it so much better," he retorted.

She wanted to growl, but managed to keep her tone even, "you do not get to make things up. I came right to you and admitted I made a mistake Derek, I didn't hide it and I'm not leaving anything out."

"How did you not know you were about to kiss him?" Derek still sounded suspicious.

"Because I wasn't in my right mind Derek, do you think it's easy kicking your husband out when you're pregnant?" Addison struggled desperately to keep from saying something they'd both regret, but it seemed like that was quickly becoming a futile effort.

"Would he make you happier," Derek had to be kidding she thought.

"NO Derek, god stop it," she shouted.

"Don't try and defend this," he snapped, "you don't have the right."

"What do you mean," she felt the anger giving her strength, "that you have the right to make things up as you go along?"

"I have a right to ask these questions, I deserve to know if you're in love with him," Derek met her gaze and lowered his voice, "I've seen the looks Addie, the way he touches you, the way you depend on him."

"Derek," she knew in a way he was right, "it's only because I need someone in my life that is attentive towards me and you've been absent for months."

"Oh and does that mean the baby isn't mine," his eyes flashed.

"Go f yourself," it came out before she could stop it.

"Oh really Addison, you used to be good at it," he waited feeling suddenly completely winded.

"I give up Derek," she stormed past him.

"That's right, run back to Mark," his voice echoed in the hallway behind her and she fled towards the bathroom to regain her composure.

Derek slammed his hand down on the desk feeling the uncontrollable emotions flooding through him. They fought often enough, but this was one of the more intense fights they'd ever had. Of course she never had come to him before telling him she kissed Mark.

She kissed Mark. His best friend for years, and that was the primary fact. If it had been some other guy, well maybe that would have hurt, but Mark?

"Derek?" Speak of the devil.

"You let her kiss you," Derek glared at him.

"She's really unstable," Mark studied him realizing he was far more worked up than he'd imagined.

"Did you fight with her," Mark was suddenly suspicious. Addison had been upset when he last saw her, but nothing like Derek was now, he felt his concern rising.

"Your concern is duly noted," Derek sighed feeling frustrated with the entire situation

"What did you say to her?" Mark suddenly wondered if he needed to find her somewhere curled up in a corner.

"Trying to play the hero again," Derek glared at his friend.

"No, Derek listen, I can't help that I'm here when she needs someone, both of us wish you were instead."

Derek sighed, "What do you need?"

Mark rolled his eyes, "Get your head out of your ass man, and wake up!"

"What do you need?" Derek repeated.

"I need a consult," Mark finally relented.

"Fine, I'll be down in a minute," Derek focused his gaze out of the window and Mark left.

Addison splashed water on her face trying to calm down. She was afraid for her baby, and now was not the time for a panic attack.

The fight with Derek shook her because he seemed to assume so easily horrible things she might have done. Addison didn't want to destroy their marriage by insisting on the separation, but she was afraid that if she let him back in right away they would just pick up where they left off. Where they left off, where they were at this moment, was not going to cut it. She was going to have to hope Derek wouldn't assume the worst of her and Mark if she continued to keep him at arm's length. That would mean that Mark couldn't come around, some sacrifices would have to be made. She pulled out her phone and typed a text for him: Mark, until the kiss and surrounding issues are resolved with Derek, you probably shouldn't just stop by.

A few minutes later her phone beeped: I understand, still call if you need anything

Thank goodness he wasn't going to completely leave her in the lurch. Now she just had to figure out a way to make up with her husband. They had to find a legitimate starting point and work forward together; this was getting completely out of hand.

Ah, longest chapter so far I believe. Reviews make me happy! Cheers.


	23. Forgiveness

Thanks for all the reviews everyone! They are much appreciated. Eight in such a short time, so inspiring!!! Gaaaa, makes me skip doing school work (oops). Sidenote sorry if it looks like this was posted twice. I posted, re-read it and realized there was one thing I wanted to change so I reposted it. My apologies for confusion.

Usual disclaimer applies.

Crazy-chica6: Keep having faith like Addie! Yeah it was a bit of a fight...I like angst, but writing in character when they're angry can be hard. On the other hand the two of them did fight in the show a bit.

bleupastel: Thanks for the review, glad you're enjoying it!

Queen Satan: He can be that, and yes honesty is important even if it hurts

addiekatefan: Thanks, I will most certainly try, as for sorting things out, well the road is long

Right Hand Blue: Mark is a better friend here even if sometimes there are undercurrents. Derek is seriously messed up I know...

KateGreysFan: thanks

simbagirl: yes she did...and yes he is ; )

muse-of-the-fairies: always...it's addek...

Previously: Derek and Addison had a huge fight

Summary: Derek hears Mark's words of warning and takes steps to mend the fences with his wife and best friend

Chapter 23: Forgiveness

Derek finally managed to center himself and he walked downstairs for Mark's consult.

"I need to reconstruct his face," Mark said, "but he seems to be bleeding into his brain."

Derek examined the slide and nodded, "Yeah, he needs to go to pre-op right now," he sighed, it was going to be a long night.

"Can you push my surgery up later in the day," he turned to one of the nurses and she nodded vanishing from the room.

Two in a row, he hated days like this.

"Derek she is really terrified she's losing you," Mark said finally softly behind his back.

"She should have showed it more when she told me she was leaving," Derek retorted softly.

"She is lonely Derek, and she is afraid she'll never be first again for you and by extension the baby and that's not fair for her Derek, she wants to know where you stand for real," Mark hoped his words would get through.

Derek wanted to elbow his friend in the stomach and make him go away, but he realized that he had hurled unfair words at her and she was his wife, and she was pregnant with his child.

He headed upstairs to her office and softly knocked. There was no answer so he tried the door.

"Go away," his wife's voice sounded as he pushed the door open.

"Addison," he waited.

"Derek I don't want to talk to you right now," she said tiredly.

"I'm sorry Addie, I'm so sorry," there was really no other way to say it.

"Derek," her whimpering voice made his heart ache and suddenly her shoulders were shaking.

He crossed the room and slowly rested his hands on her shoulders gently rubbing them.

"Breathe honey, in and out, you have to keep the air going in for our baby," he encouraged keeping his voice low and measured.

When she had calmed down he turned her around to face him, "I love you."

As soon as her eyes met his he claimed them as his own.

"I was hurt baby, and jealous," he admitted, "he's my best friend and it hurt."

She nodded, she knew and she did feel terrible.

"I take some blame though," he continued and ignored her stunned look.

"I know it's partly my doing, and I know the baby is mine," he met her eyes. He wasn't asking, he was certain and the look of relief in her eyes confirmed what he already knew.

"I'm so sorry," he repeated, "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that, I just was going crazy."

Addison studied him; he seemed so confused, so out of his element.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you Derek," she finally said.

"I'm sorry I made you run to him," he returned.

Derek pulled her into his chest and allowed her to quietly cry on his shoulder. Addison clutched him as if she was afraid he would simply melt away.

"I'm not leaving you baby," he rubbed her back trying to reassure her of that.

"I know," she lied.

"You say that, but you don't believe it, do you?" He was asking her a question.

Her silence broke his heart. How he hated that he so easily had the ability to destroy her. It wasn't fair that two people could have such unimaginable power over one another. That was part of what made them great, it was part of what made them Addison and Derek. They were those two people who had everything including each other. Now she doubted that and his vows he made to her years ago were suddenly very close to being destroyed forever.

He sighed, "Addie honey, I have a guy bleeding out into his brain on the table ready for me," he sounded significantly annoyed by the necessary interruptiong.

"Okay," she pulled away.

"We need to talk," he finally said studying her form and feeling another stab of guilt as he witnessed how tired she was.

"Yeah," she agreed.

"You need to go home though, now," he urged.

"I have work and patients I should see" she gestured towards the charts on her desk.

"You're in no shape to work," he argued.

"Derek," she glared at him.

"Honey please don't argue with me on this," his gaze was hard to resist.

"I won't be here for long," she assured him.

He took her arm and led her towards the door, "get your coat," his tone booked no room for discussion.

"Where are we going, you have a surgery," she eyed him curiously but he just held the door open and waited for her.

Slowly she picked up her things and Derek led her down to the ER.

"Mark," he called out and his friend turned immediately on guard.

Mark studied the couple, Addison looked exhausted and Derek looked concerned. However they were touching, or more accurately holding hands.

"What's going on?" Mark was worried.

"She needs to go home, can you take her?" Derek's eyes met Mark's and they shared a silent communication. Derek was putting his trust in both of them. He wanted Mark to take care of his wife and trusted that they wouldn't screw up again.

"Okay," Mark whispered finally, "I will."

"Derek," Addison looked at him worriedly.

"Go Addie, he'll make sure you get back okay," he eyed Mark, "right?"

"You have my word," Mark promised and then glanced at her, "ready to go?"

At her nod he headed into the locker room, grabbed his keys and reappeared.

"I'll see you later," Derek promised his wife and Mark averted his eyes as Derek gently kissed her.

Addison turned to Mark and the two of them walked out to the car lot.

"What happened?" Mark opened the door for her.

Once he climbed in she sighed, "he was angry Mark, really angry, but he came back."

"He'll always come back to you," Mark said softly.

"He apologized for saying the things he did and I think we're going to talk soon," she said finally.

"What did he say," Mark wondered if he really wanted to know.

Addison glanced at him sideways and shook her head, "no that's between us."

"Fair enough," Mark figured it was painful marriage stuff. If he had known the truth, he would have kicked Derek's ass and Addison knew that. Mark's loyalty to them knew no bounds, but if he knew how emotionally aggressive Derek was that day, his loyalty to her would prevail.

Addison knew that would only lead to trouble so she decided what Derek said to her that day would remain between them.

Mark pulled up outside the house, "do you want…" he trailed off.

"No thanks," she glanced at him, "I think this is as far as you should go," her face held a hint of sadness.

"Okay," he didn't push it.

"I'll see you later," she climbed out and Mark waited until she was inside before he pulled away.

As he drove back to work he thought about the couple he loved so much. Derek was so far lost in his own world, but Mark saw the love he had for Addison, it was just stuck in so many other things. Addison was tired, and Mark was worried about her health. She looked frustrated and overwhelmed, not to mention she was lonely. Saving a marriage was hard, and that was even with both parties on the same page. He knew they weren't yet, and that Addison was trying through the separation to give Derek another chance to start over.

Starting over was going to take time he knew this. They didn't have infinite amounts of that either, they were going to have to start talking.

Derek was in surgery when Mark arrived back, but he stuck his head in with a mask on to let Derek know she was back.  
"Thanks," Derek glanced at him with gratitude showing in his eyes.

"No problem," Mark ducked out and headed back to his patients.

Derek finished and during his break between the two surgeries he contemplated what he was going to say to his wife.

They were going to start over, that was the only way to go. Granted there was history between them, but they needed to become reacquainted. They hadn't talked in months and Derek knew he was mostly to blame. When he asked her why she'd stopped trying, that had hurt her. He wasn't a fool, looking back he saw that the separation was her way of trying, but it was only because she wasn't being heard when she tried to talk to him.

They should stay separated, he knew that was necessary, mostly so he could be at work and figure out the malpractice suit and then decide what do to about his career as chief. He wasn't so sure it was going to work, and the idea of Addison sharing her life with someone else, even if she assured him there was no one for her but him, it still scared him. If it s cared him, then he was going to have to make the difficult decisions he so hated.

Tomorrow they would start over.

Addison made herself a cup of tea and sat down. His eyes were so sincere and she knew Mark and Naomi were right. He loved her. However they were finally going to talk. What was she going to say? She'd already said most of what she had to say to him. He on the other hand had not told her anything. She didn't know what he was thinking about his job, about living apart, about a divorce, even much about the baby. Clearly he loved it and cared about it, but in terms of wanting to be a father, that was something that wasn't clear to her. It also made her nervous, for their future. He would have to make sure she was first in his life and that she wouldn't doubt it, and if he couldn't do it at the same time as the job, what would happen?

He would hate her if he had to give it up, but Addison didn't think her request was so off base. He should be around for his family and the chief of surgery at a prestigious hospital was not a job that would allow for that.

The tea sat steaming in front of her and the rain fell loudly on the roof. Then there was Mark, dear Mark who was always there for her. She had kissed him and there was no way to take that back. She didn't love him, not like she loved her husband, but why couldn't Derek support her like Mark was. That was really what she wanted; she wanted Derek to really care, not to pretend, or to do it when it was convenient, but to care for her without reservation or time limits.

She remembered the days after their marriage when they would laugh, talk and shared their hopes and dreams with one another. Now that conversation, that connection was so faint and she had no idea how to revive it.

What would she hear from him? Her nerves were frayed and she hated to really think about it too much. She couldn't change anything before it happened. Once they talked, then she would know where he was at.

The problem was she wasn't sure Derek even knew that.

It was time for the second surgery and home after that a talk with his wife. Derek craved sleep but he knew he couldn't keep her waiting a moment longer, it wasn't fair.

He had to tell her that he hated what he had become, that being a father was something he wasn't prepared for and was afraid of failing at, and then his job was a part of who he was and that as much as he hated what it did to him, he wasn't sure how to give it up. He felt weak and tired and over his head with the changes his life was going through and like he wasn't able to keep up. His wife deserved better, yet she wanted him and she wanted better form him. What if he wasn't a good enough person for her? Then what? Yet he knew that years ago, there was harmony between them, and they had a life together as well as one where they were both successful. This mere fact made him realize that there was reason to hope they could get back there, maybe their lives could be more complete than every before.

The first thing he had to do was forgive her for Mark, and he hoped he had and would continue to recover from that shock. The next thing to do was assure her that he loved her and their baby. The final thing he knew was that they needed more time than they had, but it was going to have to be enough, they needed to rebuild what was broken and they needed to do it together.


	24. Watching You Walk Away

Nice long chapter everyone, I want reviews for this! Lots of dialogue as Derek and Addison start to uncover what cracks have formed in their marriage so they are on the same page. I know this won't solve all their issues, I have to save some of the bigger resolutions and what-not for later I think. Over a hundred reviews, I forgot to add special thanks to you all for that! Sorry the update took me a little longer than usual.

Crazy-chica6: Glad you're still liking Mark, and I don't know if this will answer your questions or not.

Queen Satan: Slowly but surely, turtle style

Right Hand Blue: Thanks! I know sigh right…Addek lives forever in our hearts

Addiekatefan: Talk they do, as far as actually coming up with solutions, sometimes that takes time. Putting things on the table is even hard at this point for these two.

SeriouslyAddison: Happy is as happy does. Sorry, no idea where that came from or what it means. I hate when they fight, but it is rather fun to write. Ups and downs are a part of life.

Simbagirl: No he's not, he's just occasionally very challenged. Mark is a good guy and they both know that, he has to start trusting her sometime, no better time than the present.

Previously: Derek realizes it is time to begin making the harder decisions and talking about the unavoidable topics

Summary: Addison and Derek begin talking, there is still a lot left to go, but still issues are uncovered that they start realizing they can only face together.

Chapter 24: Watching You Walk Away

Addison was warm and cozy; those were the first thoughts that came to her mind as she woke up. So that begged the question of why she woke up to begin with. Then she realized there was knocking at the door. She sat up and rolled off the couch wrapping her blanket around her. The mirror reflection in the hallway showed her to be none the worse for wear so she opened the door blinking in confusion when she saw her husband standing on the step holding a brown bag.

"You knocked," she tried to hide her surprise.

"I didn't want to startle you," he was shifting uneasily and she felt a pang that he knocked on his own front door.

"Come in," she quickly moved aside to allow him room to enter.

"I brought dinner, Chinese" he offered as he glanced at her face questioningly.

"Sounds great," she nodded and he headed towards the kitchen.

Addison closed the front door and followed him down the hall pausing to watch him move around. It was so evident to her that he belonged to her, to this life, but the ball was in his court and all she could really do was watching with a certain amount of silent yearning.

Derek sensed his wife lurking behind him, but he was so glad to be back in his house that he didn't pay much attention at first. Gradually he began to detect a certain somber fatigue and he stole a quick peek in her direction. Addison wasn't looking at him; rather she was staring at the floor lost in thought.

The microwave beeped alerting him to fact one dinner plate was heated.

"Dinner," he set the plate down with a set of chopsticks at one place and put the other in.

She moved towards the table, but didn't start eating.

"Don't wait, it'll get cold," he urged, but she didn't. Instead she remained quiet, waiting, but still not looking at him.

After he sat down kitty corner to him, she reached for her chopsticks and started eating. Some things, including her manners, never changed, not even with him.

"Are you okay?" he was concerned, she was unusually quiet and he sensed a melancholy that worried him.

"I'm fine," she assured him briefly meeting his gaze but he was unable to hold it, and then she hesitated, "what made you come over?"

"We do need to talk," he reminded her gently.

"But you had two surgeries," she said finally "aren't you tired Derek?"

He sighed inwardly, she had always kept such good track of him, something he'd neglected to do for her recently.

"I'm fine Addie, honestly, I wouldn't sleep well if I thinking about the past few weeks knowing I hadn't talked with you yet," he glanced at her.

"Okay," she smiled at him feeling hopeful, "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too," and he took her hand, instantly his face filled with concern, "your hands are chilly."

"I'm fine," she insisted but he rose quickly and went to turn up the heat.

Addison smiled softly to herself remembering the night months ago when she came downstairs and he asked if she was cold. Her smile faded slightly, they'd argued without many words.

Flashback

"Addie, I'm sorry, did I wake you?" He looked apologetic and Addison shrugged.

"No, its fine, I got up because I heard a funny noise," she lied not wanting him to know she was unable to sleep.

"You should go back to bed," his eyes took in her slender form in one of his large tee-shirts. At one time his pulse would have sped up considerably despite his tired state. Now he felt a flash of appreciation followed by a dull sense of concern. A husband should comment, "You'll get cold."

Addison just stared back at him and her eyes looked tired, "I'm fine Derek, it's warm in the house, we can afford to turn up the central heating."

For some reason her tone annoyed him, "are you saying I should just not take on these surgeries anymore?"

Clearly he interpreted her comment to mean he didn't need to work as hard.

End flashback

She had only made the comment because she missed him. Even then the issue of his work and surgery was in the way. Even then they were drifting apart.

"Do you want gloves," his voice filtered into the kitchen.

"No thanks," she responded laughing softly, he was being ridiculous but it was nice.

"Okay done," he returned back to the kitchen and sat down to continue eating.

Derek picked up his chopsticks and then glanced up at her again. She was eating away and he was grateful, but there was so much to be said and it needed to start now. He wasn't sure what mood she was in, but she seemed relatively relaxed and certainly less woebegone than earlier.

"I'm so sorry I yelled at you about the kiss," he decided to take the plunge.

She froze staring at her dish clearly trying to think of a response.

Addison heard him say it, but wasn't expecting the talk to begin so suddenly.

"Me too," she stammered and hastily added, "Sorry that I kissed him I mean."

Derek waited for her to gather her thoughts and she struggled in front of him to compose herself.

"I didn't mean it Derek, it only meant that I panicked, but it was when he was there and I was so desperate," hormones were not helping her explanation and she silently cursed them.

"Easy," he reached again for her hand to comfort her, "Addie look at me."

When she did it almost broke his heart. Her eyes were blue and filled with tears.

"Oh baby, come here," he reached for her leaning around the corner of the table and she collapsed into his arms her body shaking.

He let her cry and when she pulled back he wiped the tears from her cheeks searching her eyes tenderly for something to go off, he wanted her to communicate with him.

"It's okay, I'm sorry," she apologized hastily wishing she could do this without falling apart.

"You're so beautiful," he meant to continue working out the hard things, but he couldn't help it suddenly, even flushed and tearful she was so breathtaking.

Addison forced herself to not start crying again and smiled at the endearment.

"Thanks," she murmured, "but I'm sure that's not true. I'm a mess," she half protested.

"No, you've never looked more beautiful," he meant that with all his heart.

"I was shocked and hurt," he continued, "but I don't blame you for it."

Addison looked at him miserably, "I really am so very sorry Derek, if I could go back, I wouldn't hesitate," she promised.

"I know and you don't have to, I was a blind fool up to that point anyway, it was quite a wake up call," he admitted.

She was feeling tired already, but she knew it wasn't over; in fact it had just begun.

"I do love you Addie, and while I hate that you might doubt that and that you may ever have doubted it, I want you to know I love you both," Derek's voice was calm and level and certain, and she saw in his eyes the same love she had for him.

"I know," she whispered, she didn't want to play mean, but it was the time for honesty.

"Derek," she took a steadying breath, "I know you are being sincere, and I don't doubt you, but at the same time I need to know, what happened to us? Where did we go so wrong?"

Derek could barely meet her gaze so great was his guilt rising up to the surface.

"We haven't spent time together in months, with the exception of baby shopping," she hesitated, "we haven't talked for weeks, not even to really discuss this baby."

Derek wanted to protest and get defensive, they had talked about it, but he knew she was right; they hadn't really had a true conversation as husband and wife about the ever looming future. That was unacceptable and he could see that as clear as day despite his angst over the current forces in his life.

"Derek it's not just the baby," she eyed him, "we haven't really talked since before the baby, before I left for California there was a Grand Canyon sized valley between us," she wanted to retract the words as soon as she said them. It was not the time for exaggerations.

His eyes flared briefly and then he glimpsed the apologetic expression and calmed himself down by taking a deep breath. Overdone a bit perhaps, but her point was valid nonetheless.

"The job was much bigger than I imagined Addie, even now before I turn chief it is more than I planned, I didn't see it coming" and he was being truthful when he said that.

"I know," she responded.

"It's just that Donald made it seem so easy," he smiled half-heartedly, "and he is so respected. I wanted that respect; I wanted to prove I was as good as he thought I was."

One of the things Addison loved about Derek was his perfectionist streak. He tried so hard in everything he did and it paid off for him throughout his career. She couldn't deny him the right to want to be perfect. That wasn't her right even as his wife. Her love and pride in his success was icing on the cake for him and she knew that but at the same time it wasn't enough vindication for his hard work. That too was understandable and she admired his desire to be the best.

"Quitting Addie, God," he rubbed his face, and then looked directly at her searching for her gaze before he said the next words, "It isn't a part of who I am."

She nodded silently feeling his conflict.

"I'm not a quitter," he said it again more quietly.

"You are not a quitter Derek, I never once thought you would be, it's not in your nature, I never thought that" she promised him.

"You know I'd do anything for you," he glanced at her and she nodded because she knew he would. At the same time she was torn, asking him to quit seemed cruel because he would possibly blame himself for failing to handle the pressures. That for her was worse than him blaming her.

"How can I walk away without everyone thinking I've failed at balancing my personal and professional life," he hated this part, admitting he could fail at something that everyone assumed he could handle filled him with a deep sense of inadequacy. What Derek remembered of his father was the loving support and faith in his children. His father would think he failed his family, or wasn't good enough to handle his own life. Derek could just imagine his father being disappointed in him.

Addison watched her husband, he was almost lost to his internal confusion and she couldn't think of what to say to him. She knew he was upset at the thought of dishonoring his father's hopes for him.

"Derek you were just a child when he died," but he didn't hear her comment.

"Are we holding you back," she wasn't sure she wanted to hear his answer, but the truth sometimes hurt and it was good to establish for them what the truth really was.

"No," he was firm, deadly serious as he met her gaze fully at attention and she was secretly relieved he had such a jolted reaction.

"No I promise you," he said, "at least not in the way you're thinking," and her heart fell.

"What do you mean," she whispered.

"There are two paths Addie, two in front of me and I'm at this folk in my life," he rubbed his hands together staring at them. He wasn't prepared for her to ask the question and it was very clear to him he needed to be careful. Derek may have known what he meant, but she didn't, and if Addie were to take the wrong thing from his words, it would take a tremendous amount of energy and work for her to trust him again.

"This whole second path is suddenly in front of me as a possibility, it just doesn't fit with the other one exactly" he still avoided looking at her as he gathered his thoughts.

"It's new Addie, and I can't lie, it is scary for me because it is so new," he remembered his days hiking in the woods on the well beaten paths on family vacations. The other ones were always appealing, but he never strayed far.

"It's as though one path is paved and I've been on it for years, knowing what it held for me, the other is different now, equally appealing, but foreign to me," he swallowed back the lump in his throat, "the next step puts me on one or the other and my heart goes towards one and my brain goes towards the other, I physically can't seem to move so I keep trying to take a step without deciding, and I keep falling flat on my face because it doesn't seem to work."

Addison viewed his internal struggle as he voiced it and her heart clenched for him. Derek hated having things thrown at him, he wasn't one for adventure and yet his natural affinity towards children was calling while his brain and tendencies were fighting him.

"I understand Derek, I do," she didn't want him to think she was lost and resentful of his confliction.

"Addie, if I can find a balance, before the baby is born," he met her gaze, "would you support me if I stayed with the current career track?"

He knew it was a huge amount to ask of her, but the little voice of determination wouldn't shut up.

Addison inwardly sighed, she knew why he asked but her heart was heavy.

"I don't want to be the one who enforces this Derek, my standards would be judging your performance as a professional and as a husband," she smiled gently, "I don't know if that's a good idea."

Derek swore softly under his breath, "I'm sorry Addie, God that was an awful suggestion," he shook his head, "forget I ever brought it up."

She waited for him to ponder his next concern, or suggestion.

"After all this time," he glanced up, "after all this time, being a career man is an instinct in me, it's ingrained as a part of me and I just don't know how to make it go away at this point."

"Derek, do you feel like you don't have the parental instincts," she hated to be so pointed, but it was yet another topic they needed to address.

Derek surprisingly met her gaze but his eyes were filled with a deep sadness, "I don't know if I ever thought I'd be ready."

She said nothing, just watched him with deep apprehension.

"I never felt…" he trailed off, "it never seemed logical that I'd really be ready. I imagined a family with you Addie, a whole family. Somehow the fact I would be the father never really was clearly defined in that," it was a sad smile now directed at her, almost ashamed, and certainly apologetic.

"When you told me about the baby, I just couldn't see myself as father, even if I pictured us as a family," he had the good sense to drop his gaze to the table to break the tension filled look they were sharing and she was relieved because the tears were welling up again.

"Do you want the baby," she couldn't help the question, "Derek please look at me," and he did.

"I do Addison, I want this baby, I love this child we created, from the moment I knew of its existence," he put his face in his hands, "I just find it hard sometimes to picture my life as father too," he looked somewhat helpless.

Derek felt utterly confused and defeated. He hated this whole inner turmoil. His wife was waiting for him to step up, but he was unable at times to imagine how he could be a good father, unsure if his personality was attuned to the demands of another being. Yet he loved her, and he loved their child, despite his own fears, that wouldn't change.

"Do you believe me?" It was important that she understand how much he loved her and their child in spite of his doubts he had just expressed.

"Yes," she looked hesitant to continue, but clearly something was bothering her.

"What," he pushed.

"Just recent experience makes it hard sometimes to remember, I doubt certain things Derek, I know I shouldn't, but I do," she looked frustrated, "I still hope, and I still want you, I haven't lost faith in you."

"Thank God," he whispered softly and he met her gaze feeling as though a burden had been lifted from his shoulders, she believed and if she thought he could muddle through his feelings then he could do it for her.

"We have a little time Derek, we have a little time to figure out what will happen," she finally said nodding as if convincing herself that it was alright not everything was solved or answered in one night.

"We'll do it together," she continued meeting his gaze with a promise held in her eyes just for him.

"We'll take time we need to mend where we need to," she said firmly.

"I know, thank you for that," he said earnestly with a somber somewhat resigned expression on his face.

"For what," she tilted her head.

"For giving me that time, apart, for insisting on it," he confirmed.

"We needed it," she didn't bother to tell him she missed him, he already knew because he missed her too.

"But we need to do this together, as a team, we need to take it step by step Derek, at whatever speed works for us both," she reminded him, "just because we have some time apart in our lives doesn't mean we start living separate ones."

"I know it seems like I've drifted away," he whispered, "but I don't think I could live a full life without you in it."

"Me neither," and that really was their bottom line for the relationship and their lives, always and forever intertwined

"It's late," he stood up his dinner cold on the plate.

"You didn't finish," she observed.

"I really am exhausted," he brought his plate to the counter to clean it and put it in the dishwasher. She remained seated watching.

"I should go," he turned to face her and she managed to bite her tongue before she asked him why. He didn't live with her, and that was the reason she ached inside.

Ever fiber in her screamed out for him to stay with her, every muscle wanted to reach for him, but she maintained her control through sheer willpower.

"Okay," she murmured standing to walk him to the door. They stood in front of the exit, Derek unwilling to leave his pregnant wife and Addison desperately craving the comfort of his presence.

"I'll see you at work tomorrow," he finally said putting his hands in his pockets of his jacket.

"Right," she squared her shoulders determined not to fall to pieces.

He reached for the door and then took his hand away dropping his head.

"Addison," he started and then broke off unsure what he wanted to say.

"Lunch at one," she filled in the awkward silence.

"Sounds good," he finally responded and met her sad eyes as she struggled to be cheerful.

Suddenly and impulsive he leaned in capturing her lips with his. His hands, once idle in his pockets framed each side of her face, one quickly moved to the back of her head and the other to her waist pulling her into his frame.

Addison felt a shiver race up her spine and her knees weakened. It had been weeks since he kissed her like this and her body cried out in need. Derek hadn't lost his ability to wipe all logic from her mind and she knew instinctively if she didn't pull away he wouldn't walk out the door. Deep down that inner logic protested that he needed to leave, and somehow she listened to it.

"Derek," she managed to croak as they came up for air.

"Mmm?" he opened his eyes and met hers with a deep sense of passion, even lust. Oh, how she'd missed that seeing that, she didn't want to live without his love for her.

"We can't," she whispered.

"I know," and he released her reluctantly and this time his hand met the doorknob.

His form vanished into the night and Addison slumped against the partially opened door for support. There was no reason now to stop the tears. They came freely and she felt the wetness on cheeks, the love she felt for him knew no bounds. Her emotions, her inner most secrets, her desire, her beliefs and her very soul was wrapped up in that man, the one who was currently starting up his car and pulling away from the curb, their house and her. Life without Derek would be almost unbearable, even if she had his baby with her.

She couldn't imagine how they could possible live without one another, forced apart by a sheer unwillingness to settle for less than what each deserved.

It boiled down to that simple fact, her love for Derek drove every fiber of her being, her baby's father was the only one she could ever belong to and she needed to make sure he was willing to fight for them. She didn't doubt his love, but it was clear that his mind was lost and that work had consumed him.

She placed a hand on her stomach thanking the little life inside, maybe it would bring Derek back to her before he was lost forever to the little voice inside his head screaming at him and exploiting his innermost fears of failure.

Addison sighed knowing the next few months would truly be the greatest test for them both as they struggled to find a balance.

She hated watching him walk away.


	25. A Doctor's Appointment

Hi everyone thanks for previous reviews, please take the time to drop me a line as you finish reading, it's very helpful to the plot bunny. So this chapter is because I need a break from writing angst, love it, but I just do. This doesn't mean anything is resolved between them and so on...and so forth.

Also one of you kind reviewers did ask how far along she is and I went back over the storyline and I've decided she's about seven weeks along, I know it feels like it should be longer. However, the timeframe seems to indicate that most of her return from California has actually been in the last two to three weeks. She was about five weeks along when she came back from LA. Any medical references in this chapter are solely due to basic information from the internet, or slightly vague because honestly I'm not a huge medical guru. Creative usual disclaimer applies. Pretty sure this is still T rated; I didn't want to upgrade it to M. That being said, please note, sexual content is included.

Addiekatefan: Thanks! The kiss felt like the right thing to end the chapter with, it wrote itself.

Queen Satan: Talking is good. I felt for her as well, I hate making her so miserable, but hey, if I was in her shoes I bet I would be as well

SeriouslyAddison: I appreciate your comment; Derek isn't easy for me to write, especially when he's self-centered. I wanted to give him some more depth so that he would be seen as someone who is human and confused as well. I don't remember a huge number of civilized heart to heart conversations with the two of them in the show, so I sort of had to make it up as I went along. Glad it worked for you though!

Crazy-chica6: Progress! You shall see…

Right Hand Blue: Wow thanks. Writing characters in character is hard so I'm glad you felt like it was realistic, makes me feel mildly less nervous about writing them

Muse-of-the-fairies: Thanks very much, I do my best

Okay without further ado, (and avoiding work)…

Previously: Issues are laid on the table; new beginnings lurk in the future

Summary: Derek and Addison put their separation on hold for one special day

Chapter 25: A Doctor's Appointment

Addison straightened out her dress, she was still skinny enough to fit into it, but that would change soon enough. At seven weeks along however she had a glow to show, but nothing more. Today was her first sonogram and although she knew what to expect as she had done it many times before, it was different being the patient. She was terribly excited.

Derek was going to pick her up. It had been a week since their kiss in the hallway and the separation was working out better than she thought. Derek's days were long but the malpractice suit was looking better for the hospital, he was hoping it might end soon. Addison glanced one more time at her reflection and headed downstairs. Two days ago she went to find her husband in his office to remind him about her appointment. He was confused at first, but then instantly wanted to come along and offered to drive her there. It was perhaps sad that she was so excited about sharing this with him, however considering his schedule and the state of affairs in their marriage; well she thought she was entitled to be giddy about it.

She heard the car parking outside and a minute later the door opened.

"Hey," he entered using his key and not knocking. She remembered the conversation they shared about that.

Flashback to two days ago

"Hey," she pushed the door open to Derek's office.

"Hi," her husband glanced up tiredly.

"Listen," she shifted awkwardly, "I know this isn't the best time for you Derek, but I need to ask you to do something for me."

"Sure," he was willing but she knew he was overwhelmed and hoped he would just hear her out.

"You cannot, absolutely cannot, ever knock on our door again," she whispered.

He tilted his head and then his eyes filled with a sense of tender understanding.

"Okay," he murmured and gave her a small smile making his way towards her.

"I'm sorry," he kissed her forehead, "I'm so sorry."

"Just you can't," her voice shook, "it's your house, it is still your life," she pulled away to meet his concerned eyes, "don't ever make me feel like you are a stranger again."

He promised her again he wouldn't.

"My appointment is in two days," she reminded him with a smile through her tears.

"Oh," he looked confused.

"I think I told you, the sonogram" she felt her heart sink.

"Regardless, I'll be there," and her smile lit up his world.

"Really," she sounded way too delighted.

"Of course," he assured her, "I'll pick you up."

"Around one would be good," she said after counting backward in her mind.

She left his office feeling delighted.

End Flashback

"You look beautiful," his eyes slid up and down her frame appreciatively and she flushed slightly under his intense gaze.

"Let's go," she grabbed her purse and he escorted her out the door locking it behind them.

The drive was mostly quiet, but unlike recent rides together, it wasn't tense, each was lost in their own individual thoughts.

"Addison Shepard," her name was called shortly after they checked in and they made their way into the room.

She changed into her gown and climbed on the table.

Derek rested his hand on her leg, "are you nervous?"

"A little," she smiled, "we get to see our baby."

Their gaze was broken by the sound of the door opening. Derek glanced over his shoulder to see Dr.Lazario enter.

"So Addison, how have you been feeling?" She had a friendly smile on her face.

"Pretty good, a little morning sickness, but mostly okay," Addison replied honestly.

The woman made eye contact with Derek and extended her hand, "you must be Derek Shepard, it's nice to finally you meet you, I'm Katherine Lazario."

"Pleasure," Derek gave her a quick smile before focusing his attention back to his wife.

"Okay let's take a look," Addison laid back and let the woman put on the gel and suddenly the screen showed a little blob but it was their baby.

"Oh my," Addison felt Derek's hand slide into hers and hot tears slid down her face.

"Everything looks good," the doctor smiled at them and then turned away to double check.

Addison didn't take her eyes off the baby; it was different being the mother. She would never underestimate this feeling again.

She felt Derek's lips press against her hair and she grasped his hand even more tightly.

Finally she stole a look at him and was shocked to see his cheeks wet with tears as well.

"We created that miracle," his voice was rough and choked up.

"I know," and she couldn't barely stand how amazing the entire situation was.

The doctor took the picture and printed it out leaving it next Addison on the table.

"I'll leave you two alone," she quietly exited and Addison curled up in Derek's arms.

His mind was whirling, as he struggled to find a balance in his life, he knew he was doing it for Addie, for his child, but seeing was different. Now it was all real, that little life was living inside of his wife, inside the woman he loved.

Her body shook with happy tears, overwhelmed by what they had witnessed.

"It's real," her voice, muffled against his chest, was still audible.

"You're carrying my child, our baby," his right arm moved so his hand rested on her stomach. He imagined her a few months from now, glowing with a distended stomach.

"Soon we're going to feel movement," his voice was subdued with a tone of awe.

"Yeah and I'm going to have to pee every five minutes," she joked wiping her face and trying to compose herself.

"That's life, the best kind," he met her eyes and suddenly her lips were on his desperately seeking a response. It was instinct to give back to her; he would have given up anything for her in that moment. The feeling, the need to hold and protect both of them bowled him over.

About ten minutes later, after getting the general outline of what they should and should not do, and what she should be eating and avoiding, they were in the car. Her mind was whirling and as Derek pulled up the house she glanced at him suddenly miserable at the thought of him leaving.

He climbed out and opened the door helping her out. Ever the gentleman he escorted her up the stairs and opened the door for her, but he didn't come in.

"Derek," she stared at him not wanting to beg, but willing.

"Yeah," he sighed.

"Please don't go," she whispered.

His head snapped up and his eyes searched hers uncertaintly.

"Really," it was a question for her and the ball was in her court.

She slowly extended her hand waiting for him to grasp it, a millisecond later he was inside pulling her close.

"I love you," he held her to him as if he was afraid she would vanish.

Seconds later his hands and lips were all over her. Addison found she was powerless to resist. She didn't want to. He was her husband and they were having a baby, suddenly the other issues faded away.

They stumbled up the stairs, Derek watching her to make sure she wasn't going to trip. He quickly eased her down on to the bed his large form covering her. She struggled briefly under him to position herself and he quickly pushed up her skirt so her legs could fall open. She reached up to pull him down to her.

They hadn't made love for weeks and Addison felt her emotions rage. She wanted him, it was lust certainly, but it was also connection. She needed this man.

Derek felt his wife's willingness, her desire to be in his arms and his own passion surged. He wanted to be gentle though and instead of giving in, he slowed her frantic movements.

"Easy," he murmured and she whined in protest.

"We'll get there," and he unbuttoned her top exposing her lacey bra. She was so gorgeous and he swallowed hard.

"Please," her begging brought him out of his staring and he lowered his upper body down to her with his lips meeting hers again as she demanded his attention. He wanted to worship her and so, despite her desperation, he pushed backwards so he could move his lips down to her stomach, he ultimately rested them where he believed he could sense their child.

"Hi baby," he whispered against her skin.

Addison felt her pulse slow slightly as she watched Derek caress her stomach.

"I know you can't move yet, but soon I expect to feel some kicking when I talk to you," he glanced up at Addison with a glint in his eye, "I'm going to talk to you when Mommy's asleep and we'll share secrets okay baby."

Addison never would have imagined how easily his goofy and somewhat absurd behavior could reduce her to tears. If she thought this would happen months ago, she would have rolled her eyes. As his gaze moved away from hers she let the tears fall again. It mended her broken heart to see him so fixated on their child. This was the man she married, the one that she wanted to be her children's father since she knew she was going to be his wife. He was that one, the father her children would love and idolize. He would be there with her to see it all and her baby would be so lucky to have him in its life, so damn lucky.

"Okay baby, hold on now," he grinned moving back up on her body carefully. His tender movements didn't go unnoticed, unfortunately neither did her tears.

"Addie, are you okay," he kissed them away, but didn't break eye contact much at all.

She kissed him in response but that wasn't good enough for him and he pulled away searching her eyes with concern etched on his features.

"I'm okay," she assured him, "hormones, Derek please," her tone was significantly bothered and he acquiesced to her wishes.

As she frantically undressed him he divested her of all remaining clothes and as he moved in her she closed her eyes arching up to meet him. She was lost to his touch, his lips and his movements. Her legs moved instinctively up along his rib cage and she gripped his arms moaning at the sensations.

He drew it out for her ensuring she was fully satiated several times and sighing with contentment beneath him before reaching his own peak and they slumped in a heap holding each other tightly.

"God I've missed you," she whispered and he smiled at her tenderly brushing a piece of sweaty hair out of her face.

"I've missed you too," he ran his hand over her stomach again, almost a habit now.

He shifted slightly to the side pulling her onto her side and remaining joined with her. She curled up next to him relishing the warm haven.

"Sleep," his voice next to her ear was reassuring, she could rest now. He was in their bed again, maybe not permanently yet, but in this one special day they had come together across the river of differences to celebrate and cherish the new life they had met only hours earlier.

Okay no angst here really. I think I've finally hit 50,000 words with this post. Ahhhh, I feel accomplished. Okay, now you know what to do : )


	26. Friendly Faces

Hi everyone. Wow you must all enjoy Addek smut (who doesn't), ten reviews for the chapter! Thank you very much. So here is the next chapter which I did while I should have been writing a paper (oh well). Usual disclaimer applies. Enjoy!

SeriouslyAddison: You're welcome : )

Queen Satan: You liked? Excellent, my work is done…next chapter

Crazy-chica6: Thanks for the suggestion, and I'll keep that option in mind for the future

KateGreysFan: Lol, thanks for reading

Right Hand Blue: Little baby blob! It's a good moment; actually the idea for doing a chapter with it came a bit from an episode I watched from the West Wing. It isn't really a take-off, but inspiration. Such a good moment to bond over.

Gilmoregirl913: Thanks for reading (and reviewing). It's much appreciated

Ladyforga72: Mmmm, yes yes…reviews are inspiring for updates : )

AddieKateFan: Glad you enjoyed it, a nice break for me as well.

Simbagirl: Thanks very much…horray for mush!

Muse-of-the-fairies: Ah yes, Addek definitely for being so, uh, inspiring as far as addeksex ; )

Back to the paper now….

Previously: Addison and Derek declare a truce and put aside their issues for a special day

Summary: Addison struggles with her recent decisions, and decides to call for some back-up. Derek gets a surprise.

Chapter 26: Friendly Faces

Addison woke up and her husband's eyes stared back at her. She felt a heat rise in her cheeks and she cast her gaze downwards.

"It's okay," his reassuring voice calmed her and she forced herself to look up.

"I should go," he kissed her forehead and slid out of bed.

Her body almost physically cried, "Derek."

"It's okay," his eyes soulfully promised, "I have to get to the hospital."

"But," she didn't know what to say.

"Last night was amazing," he smiled, "I'll see you at work this afternoon."

His departure jarred her and she pulled a robe on so she could watch him leave. She was forced to recognize her immediate reactions to last night.

Having him make love to her, caress her and talk to the baby was something she'd dreamed of since she knew of its existence.

Derek was her guy, but at times like this she wished that he had nothing dragging him away; away from her and away from their baby.

She placed her hand absentmindedly on her stomach as she pondered her marriage.

She loved Derek; she had never stopped so she was just going to have to fight harder.

Staring out the window she was forced to acknowledge that their separation hadn't included the bedroom. Blushing she remembered his lips on her and found herself weak at the knees. She silently cursed her husband as she headed to take a shower.

Once at work she immediately found herself on guard...

"Hello sunshine," Mark's voice made her start and she faced him uncertainly.

"Hi," she watched his face worriedly.

"It's okay Addie," he assured her.

"Okay," she hesitated, "I'm sorry that I messed so much up."

"Hey when you're messed up it really is all okay," he grinned and she found herself smiling.

"What's going on," her husband's arm suddenly snaked around her and she forced herself not to jump.

"Just checking in to see how Addison was feeling, you look happy," Mark observed.

Derek just managed to be civil with a grin, "I am."

Addison flushed and sent a begging glance towards her husband.

"Derek" she hissed and he turned to Mark.

"Thanks for checking on her," and his voice was sincere, Addison let her shoulders slump in relief. Mark would never let her live last night down if he knew.

"Sure no problem," Mark gave them a wicked smile and he was gone

"Oh God, Derek," she looked at him her face turning redder by the minute.

He grinned at her, "its okay he doesn't know. I'm sorry," he apologized to her

"Okay," she felt herself rapidly losing her composure and she wasn't sure if she was going to cry or laugh so she kissed him quickly and vanished as fast as possible.

'This was ridiculous' she thought to herself as she sat at her desk.

She picked up her phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Hello," her friend's voice came over the phone and Addison broke down.

"Addie!" Naomi's voice rose several notches, "what happened? Are you okay, is something wrong with the baby," the panic was setting in and Addison struggled to reassure her.

"I'm okay Nae, so is the baby, it's just my marriage, it's Derek, it's us, I have no idea what I'm doing anymore," she whispered.

"What happened sweetie," her friend sounded so sympathetic and Addison found herself pouring her tormented feelings out, desperate for some vindication.

"So you slept with him," Naomi managed to ask without laughing after Addison trailed off with, "and after the appointment we…"

"Yeah," Addison heard the laughter in her friend's voice.

"Naomi it is not funny, we're supposed to be separated," she insisted.

"But Addie hon, listen to yourself," she pointed out, "he's your husband and if he wasn't yours, I'd probably hit on him myself, he's gorgeous. Plus you're pregnant and your hormones are out of wack. What are you going to do in the second trimester?"

"God," Addison muttered but hearing it put like that, well she had to laugh.

"Okay good, you're laughing, that's a start," Naomi sounded pleased.

"God I miss you," Addison whispered, "it's confusing here with Derek and after I kissed Mark," and she trailed off again.

Naomi rolled her eyes on the other end of the phone; she knew Addison was upset and confused. However her friend's hormones were seriously playing with her potential to clean up her own messes.

"Addie, why don't you let me come out to visit you for a bit, it's not like I'll have to worry about getting underfoot between you and Derek and I could be a buffer," she offered.

"You would do that," Addison was shocked.

"Of course," Naomi sounded offended she even asked for clarification.

"Yes please," Addison felt her heart lift.

"Okay then, I'll see you tomorrow evening," Naomi suggested.

"Do you need me to pick you up," she offered.

"I'll email you my flight information," Naomi promised and Addison hung up feeling relieved. Maybe with Naomi around for a few days she'd be able to keep herself out of trouble. Or correction she admitted to herself, maybe Naomi would be able to keep things going on a sane course for her.

Derek was in meetings all day and Addison knew the case was going to court soon so she left him alone.

Mark came up to her at one point to tell her Derek was going to be working late with him and Addison just left it alone.

"Did you sleep with him last night," Mark's voice stopped her as she was walking away.

"He's my husband," she pointed out, "and it's none of your business Mark."

"You're supposed to be separated," he pointed out.

"We are," she grinned, "but everyone has their weaknesses, and he knows all of my spots," she knew that would get him.

"Ahhh," Mark grimaced, "I didn't need that image."

"You asked," she threw him a smirk and headed down the hall feeling very proud of her response.

After work the next day, Addison drove to the airport and found a grin spreading across her face as Naomi appeared. Shock followed immediately, "Pete?" She could hardly believe it.

"Surprise," her friend hugged her, "I brought more back-up. I know you have room for him," she reminded Addison.

Addison felt a huge sense of relief seeing the two of them, "welcome," she gave Pete a tight hug feeling a sense of calm settle over her as his arms carefully encircled her.

"I don't want to squeeze you too tightly," he admitted and she laughed.

"It's fine I won't break," she assured him earnestly.

"I don't know about that," his eyes searched hers and she flushed looking away quickly. It felt dishonest to let him try and read her thoughts.

Naomi smiled, "You look good despite everything."

"I'm glad you're both here," Addison led the way to baggage claim, and then to her car.

They walked inside the house about an hour later and Naomi glanced around, "looks the same."

"Not much time to redecorate," Addison grinned.

"Right right, you two are workaholics," Naomi threw back.

Addison sighed inwardly realizing her friend was right, they were, what was going to happen with the baby?

"Oh honey," Naomi hugged her, "I'm sorry, I didn't think."

"It's okay," Addison managed, "I just think about it too."

"I'll show you your rooms," she went towards the stairs and they followed her up.

"Let's see the baby's room," Naomi urged and Addison sighed again.

"What?" Her friend looked confused.

"It's a mess," Addison admitted.

"Well you've got time," Pete spoke up.

"I told Derek that," she mused out loud and missed the exchange of glances that Pete and Naomi shared, one filled with concern.

"What?" Naomi prodded curiously.

"Never mind," she didn't want to relive that painful conversation so soon.

"Come on, show us," Naomi urged and so she relented.

"Huh," Naomi studied her surroundings, "well you do have time," she finally affirmed.

"I told you," Addison reminded her looking around herself.

"Why don't we help you get started, we have four days," Naomi offered.

Addison looked at her sideways, "really?"

"Yeah we can pick out color schemes and maybe Pete can set up the crib," she offered.

Addison shook her head, "color scheme sure, Derek won't care about that, but the bed, he'll want to do that."

"Addison," Naomi sounded frustrated at her reaction.

"No, Derek deserves the chance to do that on his own" Addison said firmly, "let's eat."

She marched out and ignored her friend's sigh behind her.

During dinner Addison tried to relax catching up with things in LA and gossip.

After dinner Naomi smiled at her, "I'll clean up, Pete has a surprise for you," and Addison sent him a curious glance.

"I brought the happy needles," he grinned at her and she gaped, "what did you just call them?"

He rolled his eyes slightly at her, "Addison. Please."

"Sorry, really?" She felt suddenly excited at the prospect of some relaxation.

"All the way from LA," she asked just to make sure.

"Just for you, couch in the living room?" he suggested.

"Yes please," she followed him into the room and lay down on the couch. He carefully put in the needles and whispered in her ear.

"I'm going to help Naomi, just relax,' and he was gone leaving her to her restful sleep.

About half an hour later they went to the doorway to check on her and she was sound asleep.

"I really feel for her," Naomi whispered to Pete.

"I know," he sighed out loud.

"Listen she may not want you to put together the crib, but we do need to do some more shopping for the baby and the room," she said softly, "come and carry things?"

Pete shot her a look which she promptly returned.

"She needs us to be here for her Pete," she scolded.

"Sure Nae," he put his arm around her and held her close, "anything you need."

"You mean anything she needs," his friend responded and he nodded, "yeah that's what I meant."

He gently removed the needles after another half hour and lifted her in his arms.

"Derek," she mumbled half asleep. The arms were so strong.

"Shush," Pete whispered softly feeling his heart ache for her. He smoothly carried her upstairs.

Naomi carefully tucked her in and closed the door behind her.

Addison woke the next morning feeling refreshed and content. She wasn't sure how she got upstairs but she felt much better. The smell of breakfast wafted into her room and pulling on a sweater she headed downstairs.

"Good morning sleeping beauty," Naomi was setting the table and Pete was slaving away over the stove.

"You cook," she couldn't her surprised tone.

"I resent that tone," he didn't turn.

"Sorry," she hastily apologized.

Naomi winked at her, "you're just in time for Pete's famous pancakes."

Addison grinned, "bring it on."

Pete dished her up two and gave Naomi two as well. He put three on his own plate and ate as he continued cooking.

"Bacon," he offered his back still turned away from them.

"Please," Addison mumbled her mouth full and Naomi raised her eyebrows.

"I'm eating for two," Addison defended herself.

"Okay," Naomi looked down at her own plate hiding her smile.

"Here you go," Pete turned with the bacon and then just stood there with the bacon on a plate staring at Addison's almost empty dish.

"Shut up, don't stay it," Addison warned and then added, "and give me the bacon."

"Of course," he hastily handed it to her and she dumped it in front of her digging in again.

"You're staring," she suddenly felt his eyes fixated on her form.

"Sorry sorry, more?" He gathered his composure.

She nodded eagerly and Naomi almost choked on her orange juice. Addison shot her a pointed glare, but didn't pause in her eating to comment.

"So," Addison slumped back in her seat, "what's on the agenda today?"

"Well we need more breakfast supplies," Pete remarked and Addison swatted at him with her napkin, but she was too far away to be effective.

"Pathetic," he remarked taking her plate.

"Well yeah, I can't move and it's all your fault for making those pancakes. Thanks," she said finally, "that was delicious."

He just nodded his head in acknowledgement.

"Shopping," Naomi proposed, "some more things for the baby's room. Paint?"

Addison nodded, "what about dark green and a warm yellow?"

"No pink and blue," Pete glanced at her from the sink where he was washing dishes and filling the dishwasher.

"No," Addison shook her head, "I don't' know the sex yet and I hate that traditional color coding."

"Okay," he let it go.

Naomi nodded, "sounds good."

The three of them headed off and spent the day gathering little necessary things, blankets, color coding, stuffed animals, rattles, and other various baby items. Pete made them a dinner to die for and once again Addison received a before bed treat that left her as refreshed the next day as the one before. With her friends there and a few days off, Addison found herself not thinking about Derek and while she occasionally wondered how the case was going, she was tired of obsessing.

Derek sighed, it was the end of a long day and he hadn't seen his wife all weekend. The most recent surgery he did was unplanned, but it was a family in an accident and the daughter was near death. He tried not to think of his own baby as he operated on her. He was a surgeon, but now that he was out of the OR, it was a different story.

"You okay?" Mark opened his door.

"Yeah, I haven't talked to Addison really this weekend. I feel bad," Derek rubbed his face in frustration.

"I have an idea," Mark grinned at him and Derek nodded willing to go along with it.

"What are we doing here," Derek had parked his car next to Mark's at a mall of all places.

"Baby Gap," Derek eyed his friend in disbelief.

"Trust me," Mark led the way and Derek muttered to himself about how ridiculous this was under his breath.

Once inside Mark somehow knew where to go but Derek didn't question him again.

"Here," Mark handed him a little onesie with "Mommy Loves Me" written on it. Derek sighed and took it up to the cash register to pay.

Once outside Mark eyed him, "Go home to your wife," and then he drove away leaving Derek in the parking lot.

He finally took a breath and got into his car, "time to go home," he muttered.

Addison grinned to herself, that day had been quite productive. Her friends were going to be leaving soon, but she felt more centered. Pete had played the coat hanger that day essentially. All the things they bought in the store he carried around for them without complaints. Addison was lost in thought when the doorbell rang. Addison made a face where she was curled up in the chair sketching a furniture arrangement plan.

"I'll get it," Pete caught the regretful look on her face.

"Thanks," she nodded turning her attention back to her design.

Pete headed down the stairs and over to the door, when he opened it he suddenly felt his stomach twist. There was a man there with a shopping bag containing a wrapped present and a look of distinct fury on his face.

Derek stared at the man in shock, "who the hell are you and what the fuck are you doing in my house?"

Baby Gap just happens to be a store I know so I used the name, obviously nothing is gained from it and it isn't mine in any way shape or form. I make no money here. Don't sue me please.


	27. How Dare You?

I have a nasty paper I'm writing and reviews would definitely make me happy right now. Enjoy! Usual disclaimer applies

Previously: Addison calls in backup. Derek arrives at his house to see Addison for the first time in a few days and gets a surprise

Summary: Tempers are high and words are exchanged. Addison and Derek are left with another mess to sort out.

Chapter 27: How Dare You?

"My name's Pete," and boy did he feel awkward just then.

"What are you doing here?" Derek's voice was angry, and full of bitterness.

"I'm visiting Addison," he responded and before he could explain that he was here with Naomi, Derek snapped.

"Visiting my wife, since when does a complete stranger get to visit my wife!" He glared at the man who was standing on the wrong side of the doorstep, in his opinion.

"Since you started neglecting her and not choosing her over your job," Pete's voice rose slightly.

Naomi opened the door and frowned, she was hearing loud voices from downstairs, but neither was female. She quietly walked by the door to the baby's room which was ajar and glancing in she saw the redhead in the rocking chair. No it wasn't Addison downstairs talking. Curiously she went to the top of the stairs and listened. Pete was clearly upset and she hadn't heard him so defensive in months. She descended slowly not wanting to draw attention to herself.

"Excuse me," Derek's voice was filled with venom.

"You heard me," Pete retorted, "you're neglecting her; we're here setting up the baby's room and taking care of her."

So enraged was Derek to hear about their activities that he missed the plural part. All he could see was this man who was clearly good looking standing in his doorway. His wife would probably choose someone like this. Clearly the man cared about her, his face was full of irritation just looking at Derek. The guy probably knew Addison's side of the story and sided with her completely. That alone didn't bother Derek, but the idea of him being her confidant was sickening.

"Seriously," he stared in disbelief, "get out of my house. You're not welcome here."

"I think you should check with Addison," Pete's response got under Derek's skin.

"Oh really, well she's my wife and she's carrying my child and I want you out," he eyed him; "do I have to ask you again?"

"They are your family, not your possessions," Pete defended them. He couldn't believe how fast Derek was jumping to conclusions and how jealous he was acting.

Naomi suddenly appeared, "Derek, you have to stop being so agressive." Her voice was full of authority.

Derek glanced in her direction and looked startled, "Naomi?"

"Yeah," she finally said and Pete sighed.

"You're here with her," Derek eyed him suspiciously.

"As I was saying, we came out to give her a hand," Pete explained trying to calm the situation.

"Derek, we're just here because she called," Naomi assured him.

"She called you both," he questioned.

"I brought Pete along," she shrugged.

"Oh really and was that because she wanted to see him," Derek's voice rose again.

"No," Pete offered, "I do acupuncture in LA and Naomi thought Addison would benefit from some relaxing treatments."

Just then a sniffle caught their attention and all three looked up.

Addison was standing on the steps tears streaming down her face as she looked at her husband.

"Addison," he felt all anger seep out of him.

"Why did you knock," she finally asked.

"I left my keys at work," he responded and then shook his head slowly, "Addie I'm so sorry."

"You yelled at my friends, you don't really trust me do you?" Her question stabbed him.

"What was I supposed to think," he knew it was lame.

"Not that Derek," she whispered and he cursed his recently developed jealous nature.

"We should leave for the airport," Naomi glanced at Pete and the two headed up stairs to get their bags.

Addison and Derek remained silent as the two loaded up their things and Addison followed Naomi out.

"Thanks for coming," she said softly.

"I'm sorry about this Addison," Pete looked at her sympathetically.

"It's alright, clearly we still have issues," she remarked somewhat sarcastically.

Derek lurked inside the doorway and Naomi eyed him.

"I'll be right back, I left my sweater inside," she hurried up the steps into the brownstone.

"Derek," she called out.

"Hey Naomi," he appeared looking nervous.

"Living room now," she ordered.

He followed her into the room and sat down at one glare from her.

"Now you listen to me, you son of a bitch," her voice was deadly calm and he fought the urge to shift in the chair.

"I like you, I've always liked you and I always appreciated you two together. However, Addison is my best friend and I swear to God if you continue to hurt her like this, no matter what she thinks she knows, I will urge her to leave you flat on your ass," she stared at the man who was causing her friend such misery.

"I will end any chance you have of getting her back, I will make sure you look like the biggest jack-ass on the face of the earth," she folded her arms, "and you won't get past me so don't even try. Am I being clear?"

He swallowed hard and nodded without saying anything.

She softened, "look Derek, I really do like you and I want you three to be the happiest family you possibly can. I don't want to be the person she calls at one am with a crying baby in the middle of a break down because you're not there. Do you get what I mean?"

"Yes," he whispered.

"I know you've got issues you need to deal with and choices you don't want to make in front of you. I have news for you though, once the baby is born, if those choices aren't any clearer, then you will have me to contend with. I have her best interests at heart and it's not fair to her. I know you don't want to see that now, and I'll cut you slack because you are one of the most ambitious and successful people I know. But family Derek comes beyond all work responsibility. That child is going to be your biggest sign of success or failure."

"I know," he looked down.

"Don't run from your life Derek, because if you ever decide you want it back, it might not still be there for you to embrace," she sighed.

Derek was feeling like an even bigger idiot, she was right and God how he hated that.

Naomi stared at the man in front of her, torn between pity, sympathy, frustration and downright anger. Addison loved him and for that reason alone she liked him. Over the years she watched them fight to be together, and fight to be independent. She knew they had come to a realization over time that without each other life wasn't complete. What happened to that balance she wondered silently?

"I will know all that you do wrong Derek, you can't hide from your mistakes," she warned.

"I'm glad she has you," he admitted.

"You should be," and she picked up her sweater off the couch, "and for what it's worth…you should be glad she has Pete too."

He eyed her uncertainly wondering what she meant.

"He would walk through fire for her," she hesitated, "and sometimes Derek, a woman needs to be shown how much she means to someone."

"What are you saying?" He looked at her hoarsely.

"That friends are invaluable and she has one in Pete," she responded, "nothing more Derek. They are friends and he cares about her well being enough to put down everything and come with me to make sure she's okay. She needed TLC and a break from this stress, you can't blame me or him for thinking what would be the best thing for her at this point, a little acupuncture is just what the health doctor would order right about now," she sounded exasperated.

Derek was left to ponder her statement as she walked out the door.

"That took a while," Pete looked up.

"Yeah," she grinned, "it was behind the bed." Addison didn't need to know what was said.

Pete hugged Addison and climbed into the car.

Naomi stood in front of her friend, "You call me every day, every hour if you need to. When you need help just ask, I swear I'll be on a plane an hour later," she smiled.

"Okay," Addison sniffed and tried to compose herself.

"Sweetie, don't let him give you crap once the baby's born. Nine months is generous by anyone's standards," she scolded gently.

"Yeah," Addison nodded but tears welled up anyway.

"I love you," Naomi hugged her tightly.

"Thanks," Addison squeezed her back and Naomi broke away.

"See you soon," the car pulled away and Addison was left to deal with her husband alone.

She shut the door firmly and took a breath.

"Derek," she walked into the living room and he looked up.

"How dare you!" she shouted at him feeling her frustration boil over.

"I didn't know he was coming, I never met him, I didn't see Naomi," Derek's voice rose as well.

Addison didn't care how reasonable his responses were, "I don't care!"

He fell silent.

"You don't trust me Derek, you don't TRUST me," she was almost screaming now.

"Addie honey," his voice was calm but clearly upset.

"NO," she shouted, "you don't get to honey your way out of this Derek!"

"You have to calm down," he urged.

"My husband thought I was cheating on him, he yelled at my friend and jumped to harsh conclusions," she snapped, "what am I supposed to do?"

"Well you did kiss Mark," he retorted finding it hard to stay as calm as he would have liked.

"I kiss your friend and suddenly every man in my life is a threat?" She glared at him.

"Well no Addison, only good looking strangers who answer my door," he was equally pissed now.

"Next time bring your own god damn keys," she spun around and stalked out of the living room leaving Derek in shock.

"Addison," he followed her into the kitchen where she was angrily slamming pots around.

"Derek," she hissed, "leave me alone."

"No," he stood watching her and she started chopping vegetables.

"Addie, we have to talk," he sighed.

"No, not now, not when you're too busy obsessing over Pete," she didn't turn around.

"I had no idea he was coming," Derek stayed calm this time.

"Derek," she turned to him finally, "you can't assume the worst of me, you just can't, kissing Mark was one thing, a terrible mistake made out of complete hysteria, but I would never sleep with someone else," she sighed, "for better or worse you're the only one I love."

"Better or worse?" he felt his heart sink.

"Yeah," she sighed and turned around again to chop, "it kills me Derek, sometimes this entire relationship drives me up a wall, but I can't love anyone but you. Pete is a perfect, handsome, caring, single…"

"Okay," he cut her off, "you can stop now."

"Don't you get it," the chopping sounds increased with her temper.

"I can't love him," she growled, "even if I wanted to, I don't think I could, and do you know how hard it is to...ouch!"

Her tirade was cut short.

"What happened," he moved quickly to her side, she had sliced the side of her finger.

"Shit," she swore softly.

He grabbed a napkin and held it to her finger guiding her to a chair.

After sitting in front of her he found her gaze and held it.

"What were you going to say," his touch was gentle and his eyes prodded hers.

"It's hard to love someone this much Derek, every single thing that goes wrong or that makes our life together a struggle hurts. Do you know how hard it is to love someone unconditionally? You're willing to make any excuse that is necessary to stay with them."

Derek just stared at her feeling regrets and dismay swirling around him.

"I'm sorry," he sighed, "I shouldn't have done that. Just, all those things you were saying about Pete before, they all went through my mind. It reminded me of how much I fear you'll see you'd be better off with someone else."

"You haven't completely screwed up," she sighed tiredly, and met his eyes without hesitation, "I don't think about that yet."

They sat silently waiting for her finger to stop bleeding each lost in their own insecurities and fears.


	28. It was Wrong, I'm Sorry

Hi all, I apologize if this chapter feels a little slow and is on the short side. The plot moves pretty quickly over the next four or five chapters so I wanted to have a slow chapter with just the two of them. It's a mix between Addek fluff and angst. Weird, but bear with me, and reviews are appreciated. Warning, strong T rating towards the end for sexual content, it is not M (I'm pretty sure), but please consider yourself warned.

Queen Satan: Yes she did.

Xyliette: Thanks, trying to finish paper after this.

Addiekatefan: Thank you for reviewing so frequently as well! It's extra incentive to write even if I don't have time.

Crazy-chica6: I know right, calm is good. Jealous Derek, lots of fun to write. Wake up calls can get old I realize, he will shape up I promise.

Simbagirl: No worries, thanks for taking the energy to write anything at all

Right Hand Blue: Thanks again!

Bleupastel: Many thanks, he gets all tense and possessive, it's fun I agree

Stairwell Girl No2: Glad you found it, and thanks for reading and reviewing 

Previously: Derek is rudely surprised by Pete in his house, he and Addison fight.

Summary: The truce is back, and a little more

Chapter 28: It was Wrong, I'm Sorry

The darkness crept in as they sat quietly in the kitchen.

"How's your hand," his voice finally broke the silence and she nodded pulling it away to inspect the damange.

"It's okay I think," she examined the cut, it was superficial.

"I'll get a band-aid," he returned and instead of handing it to her, he carefully unwrapped it and placed it around her finger.

Derek studied her form seated in front of him, the sight of her blood had freaked him out even though he was a doctor. His fears of something happening to her had increased signficnatly since he found out about the baby. His heart twisted as his eyes focusd on her stomach.

Addison finished securing the band-aid and was about to say thank you when she caught her husband's gaze. It wasn't on her face, but his eyes were planted on her stomach where their child grew. His expression had such love, such devotion and she felt a warm glow spread over her.

"Thanks," she smiled gratefully.

Derek's gaze rested on her face and the hurt look in his eyes caught her by surprise.

"He went baby shopping with you," the pain in Derek's voice was palpable and she felt a surge of remorse. She didn't want to hurt him on purpose and the idea of another man shopping for his child, even if he was a friend of hers was probably a punch in the gut.

"He carried things," she promised.

"Okay," he nodded finally.

"It is your job Derek," she assured.

"It's fine Addie, I wasn't there," he stared at the floor, "I'm glad you had fun."

"There's a lot more to get," she assured him, "I'll make you push the cart around for the whole entirety of your next day off."

"Yeah," he sighed with a short nod, "sounds good."

"The crib is all for you," she finally returned, "I wouldn't let them near the crib for a million dollars."

"Right, ok," he nodded and tried to collect himself.

"Thank you," his eyes shone realizing that she was indeed aware of his emotions towards the situation, he suddenly had an idea, "come upstairs with me?"

His hands were waiting for her outstretched, and she took them rising to stand in his arms.

"You know," he whispered into her ear, "a million dollars isn't the end of the world considering how good you are at your job."

"Shut up, it's a figure of speech," she retorted fighting a giggle.

"I know," he held her more tightly relishing the smell of her perfume and the warmth and strength she gave him each and every day.

"What's your idea," she eyed him curiously.

He led her through the hall, stopping to pick up the Gap bag that she stared at suddenly wondering what he was up to. He climbedup the stairs, and headed past the door of their room to the end of the hallway.

They entered the baby's room and stared around, "we have to start making sure this place is ready."

She nodded feeling a surge of contentment, "yes we do."

"First," he held out the bag.

"What is this," she curiously looked at the wrapped package with storks all over it.

"Derek, I don't know if we've talked about it, but you do know that babies come from..."

"Oh will you stop talking and open it," he cut her off with a glare.

"Okay okay," she tore off the paper and opened the white box.

"Oh Derek," she felt tears well up.

"It is kind of cute isn't it," his eyes were full of love.

"It's pricless," she hugged it to her.

"Okay, time to get to work," he rolled up his sleeves and left her side.

Derek walked over to the big white box and sat down where he began unpacking the baby crib that arrived about a week before.

"What are you doing," she tilted her head.

"There's no time better than the present," he responded cheerfully and she grinned back.

Addison picked up her clipboard studying the layout of the room. The baby would arrive and this would become their second room, she wanted it to be perfect. The attention to detail would be nothing short of dedicated, except for one thing. She found herself distracted by Derek's careful contemplation and his own fascination with the crib assembling. He was reading the directions and sorting out the various parts with such care, such tender devotion, she felt a smile cross her face and unable to look back at her drawing she stared unashamedly.

"Derek," she whispered, he didn't hear her and she almost let it go. There was no need to destroy his process of preparing for fatherhood.

"Yeah," he glanced at her, a delayed reaction but still it was fine for her.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you that Pete and Naomi were coming, I hadn't seen you and I did not know she was bringing him until I met them at the airport," she sighed, "then things got busy and I was enjoying myself. I'm sorry," she repeated looking at him.

"I was a jack-ass Addie, this whole situation has us both more on edge than usual," he hesitated smiling at her, and "I think it's safe to say we were both in the wrong."

"It was wrong to yell at you, I did betray your trust, I'm sorry," she apologized for Mark.

"I may feel insecure because of that," he glanced down, "but I should know you would never jeopardize our happiness like that, it was wrong to assume that of you, no matter what mistakes you've made."

"Derek, I would rather die than cheat on you," she felt tears welling up.

The space between them shrank as their eyes met and held the look.

His eyes filled with regret, "I get it now, I promise," he sounded so guilty.

"We should move on," she squared her shoulders, all was alright, somehow they were going to get beyond it.

"Let's set up this room together," he stood, "where is this crib going to go?"

So she showed him, and then came her decorating plans, and the color schemes, the thoughts for various paintings and posters, book shelves, and more importantly what would go on them, then there was the need for lots of clothes space. At this point he had to look away to hide his grin, if the baby was a girl her mother's influence would wear off on her, a regular fashion guru before she was three, he could picture it now.

He resisted teasing her enthusiasm when she talked about shopping reveling in the fact they were planning for their baby together.

She moved across the room towards the two big windows, as she was explaining what color curtains, light yellow, she thought they should have, he caught her by the waist with his arms and pulled her against him.

"You are so amazing," he murmured in her ear, "I could take you right here."

"You're funny," she sounded amused and still distracted by her ideas for curtains.

"You think I'm joking," he challenged sensing her appeasing response.

"You interrupted me," she glared at him over her shoulder and then caught the mischievous glint in his eyes.

"What?" She was suddenly suspicious.

His hand rose up to cup her left breast.

"Derek!" Her voice was scandalized.

"Well I really could, you're amazingly tempting right now, and I don't think we've christened this room yet" he rested both his hands on her stomach wishing he could already feel movement.

"The baby's room is not for playing," she resisted his temptation, barely.

"Oh no," his hands moved lower and she found herself unable to scold him, he wasn't playing fair.

"That's cheating," she protested.

"I dare you to pull away," his hands slid lower and she whimpered.

The sweatpants provided easy access and his hand slid lower under the waistband. "Derek," she moaned going weak at the knees, his lips kissed the side of her neck and one of her hands slid up to grasp him behind his neck in an attempt to steady herself.

Just then she heard a buzzing sound, coming from nearby, it was an electronic sound and she felt her heart sink.

"What the hell is that," she snapped sensing he was going to be called away.

"Probably the hospital," he sighed.

"You can't just…" she was cut off as he answered and she sighed in frustration expecting him to leave her hot and bothered.

"Donald," Derek answered the phone but didn't move away, and suddenly she gasped sharply as his fingers moved inside her. He began to finger her sensually, measured and rhythmically.

She felt the cry bubbling up and forced herself to breathe, if she started making noise Donald would certainly hear her.

"What time do you need me there for the paperwork session," Derek sounded annoyed.

His fingers were doing sinful things to her and his thumb was adding extra sensations, her entire body was trembling. Oh this was torture.

She started to pant in an effort to regulate her reaction and sensing her losing battle, he slid the phone under his chin placing his other hand over her mouth to smother the sounds she couldn't contain.

"I'll be in soon, Addison and I are just finishing up some decorating plans for the baby's room," his voice sounded cheerful but Addison felt her husband's glee, he was keeping the conversation going on purpose.

"Ahhh," the sound was caught by his hand as he hit a particularly effective spot.

"She's a genius with the decorating ideas, but she needs some help here so I've got to go," Derek sounded completely at ease.

Suddenly the heat flooded her and she cried out again against his hand unable to contain herself, and sank against him with relief.

"I'll see you soon," he hung up.

"That was evil," she whispered.

"Ah so it was, and you loved every minute of it" he chuckled softly removing his hand, "I have to head out now."

"Apology accepted," she grinned and he returned it heading for the door.

"I'll see you later," she had to sit down in the chair.

Her body was tingling and she was feeling so satisfied. His tempting ways got her all daring; it was the first time he'd done anything so blatantly playful in months.

Derek couldn't wipe the grin off his face on the way back to work. Despite the awful afternoon, the day turned out wonderfully. His mind flashed back to her reaction to his touch and he sighed, a cold shower would have been a good idea.

Reviews keep the plot bunny fed! Thanks.


	29. All's Well that Ends Well

Hi all! Thanks very much for all the reviews. Hello to new readers/reviewers, thanks for adding in your comments. Plot bunny is content. I realize that the malpractice case had almost no detail, I apologize for that. However, I'm not in medicine or law and therefore really just referenced it as a reason for Derek to be extra absent. What else? Conference details are just random from recent news clippings, and I was feeling like their re-connection stint (if you want to call it that) could continue at least for now so think strong T/mild M rating for this chapter. Consider yourselves warned. Sorry for the delays.

Queen Satan: Yes he can be evil, more to come

Flaming Jigsaw: Thanks for the review! I enjoy finding stories and reading them all at once.

Crazy-chica6: hahaha

Right Hand Blue: They're amazing inspiration ;)

Seriously Addison: Yes short, but not over

Picric drea: Thanks for reviewing! Always nice to hear from readers. Plot bunny was inspired

Simbagirl: Horray for baby addek! He's regretting lack of shower

Addiekatefan: I like happy Addek too, sadly sex doesn't solve everything

Stairwell girl No 2: The site hates me too, cruel to be kind (she did give us the shower scene though, despite his motives).

Abbeyannmd: Sorry for the wait. Thanks for the review

Muse-of-the-fairies: glad to see you are back safely. Plot bunny thanks you for the carrot/review.

Again, thanks for all the feedback and please keep it up!

Previously: Baby decorating and evil Derek tortures Addison in a very intimate way

Summary: Over dinner out, Derek shares two pieces of news with Addie unsure of her reaction. Addison's hormones get the best of her in more than one way.

Usual disclaimer applies. Please keep reviewing. Cheers

Chapter 29: All's Well that Ends Well

Derek stood in Donald's door, "yes?"

"Derek, please come in," Donald was smiling, that was new.

"What's going on," Derek questioned slumping into the chair tiredly.

"She was found not guilty, or rather the charges were dropped," Donald sighed, "there's no way they had enough evidence against her to prosecute.

Derek felt a wave of relief sweep through him and he grinned with a flash of energy, "So we're done?"

"Yes," Donald nodded.

Derek knew Addison would also share his excitement.  
"I called you in here for another reason," Donald hesitated, "out in Seattle, there's a conference next weekend on personalized brain cancer vaccine, I'd like you to go."

Derek raised his eyebrows curiously, "oh?" Maybe she wouldn't be so excited.

"I understand if you can't, but I think you'd enjoy it, and I can't go. Someone needs to." Donald eyed him.

"Yeah," he was deep in thought, Addison really wouldn't be that happy with him. Maybe if he accompanied it with the other good news. He'd have to find someway to break them both to her, maybe in public.

"Okay," he nodded, "I'll talk to her."

Derek stood inside his front door preparing himself to see his beautiful wife. He only hoped she wouldn't mind him being gone, after all they didn't live together currently and he was going to be around more now that the whole malpractice issue was off the table. However with her moods and their recent attempt to reconnect, he wasn't so sure if she'd be supportive.

"Derek," she appeared at the top of the stairs wrapped in a towel and he grinned as his thoughts derailed.

"What a nice welcome home vision," he teased.

"Dinner?" she beamed at him and he nodded.

"Let's go out dancing," she vanished leaving him to wonder what she was talking about.

"Addie, I don't really dance much," he sighed, "I don't dance at all."

Suddenly she appeared with her hands planted on her fists.

"Don't be silly," she glared at him.

"Well I do, I dance for you, rarely," he amended.

"Well tonight is one of those nights," and she was gone again.

"Addison," he made his way up the stairs wondering if he could still talk her out of it.

"Derek," she mimicked from the bedroom.

He leaned against the door and tried not to stare; his sexy wife was dressed in skimpy black lace bra and was pulling on a clingy black dress with a slightly looser skirt. It was perfect for dancing.

"Jesus Addie," he breathed out.

"You like what you see," she teased him as she adjusted the top straps examining herself in the mirror, and he nodded. His mind was already imagining what he could do to her.

"Derek," she warned him and he shook himself out of it grinning unashamedly.

Addison knew the second trimester was when her sex drive would be the worst, but she somehow wanted him again. Their impromptu fun in the baby's room the day before reminded her how good he was at, well being her husband.

"Let's go," she made for the door with her clutch in hand.

"Do I get a say in where we go," he complained walking downstairs behind her.

"Pondarosa," she replied.

He sighed, "Apparently not," muttering quietly, but not subtly enough.

"What?" His wife glared at him again and he shook his head hastily.

"I'm ready," and he was, to find a way to get his evil revenge for this torturous adventure. He also could tell her the news over dinner, perfect.

Addison studied her husband, she was secretly grateful he'd come along so easily. She expected there to be arm twisting involved.

Much to her surprise he had followed her out the door with only mild complaints.

"So I have a few pieces of news," his voice was hesitant and she tensed. That was why; he was trying to get in her good graces. However, he had come and she vowed to listen with an open mind. How she wished she could drink.

"What," and he ignored the tightness in tone.

"The malpractice was dropped," he grinned and her eyes widened.

"Really?!" she was thrilled, it was good news.

"Yeah," he nodded.

"Are you okay," she wondered what was wrong with him. He sounded weird.

"Well, yeah it's great news, but there's one other thing," and she braced herself again, hating that her reaction was so far out of her control.

"What is that," she questioned feeling he was more nervous about telling her this.

"Donald has this four day conference he wants me to attend, some new cutting edge research," Derek met her eyes, "I told him I'd talk it over with you before I gave him my answer."

She didn't know what to say, there was no logical reason he couldn't go. Four days wasn't that long, and the baby was doing fine.

"Okay," and yet there was something odd about the situation.

"You don't have to say yes right away," he reminded her.

"Why not," she forced a bright smile, "I'm sure it will be quite informational, and it's only four days," almost like she was trying to convince herself.

"Yeah," he hesitated, "I think he wants me to give him the run-down on what is presented and see if we can possibly become a test hospital for it," it was a feeble attempt to justify the trip.

"I'm not going to put you under house arrest Derek," she assured him.

"I thought I'd visit Adele and Richard," he mentioned and her face lit up.

"That's a good idea, it's been forever," she nodded.

The dinner itself was silent, and Derek wasn't sure what he should say to break the hush. She seemed alright with it, but Addie didn't always show how she was feeling.

"I'll be right back," his wife stood and vanished into the hallway towards the rest rooms. Feeling a pang Derek stood and followed her knowing an apology of some sort was probably in order.

After he made his way through the dancing room and into the darkened hallway, he heard a muffled sob coming from the bathroom. He paused outside the door glancing around for signs of other people.

"Addie baby," he opened the door glancing around inside, no one was there. She was standing at the sink wiping tears away.

"Derek you shouldn't be in here," she responded.

"Are you alright," he was nervous.

"Fine, sorry it's the hormones," she excused her tearful face and he sighed.

"I won't go if you need me here," he assured her.

"I don't need you here Derek," damn her emotions, "I just," she stopped.

"What?" He stepped towards her.

"I want you," and that was the bottom line. She could survive without him, but she just wanted him to be with her. Addison was usually so independent and she hated how weak and hopeless she felt when he told her he was flying across the country, even if it was just for the weekend.

His lips crushed hers pushing her against the wall and she almost stumbled, his strong arms caught her and she surrendered.

"Derek," that was all she managed to get out before she lost the battle to speak.

Derek knew it wasn't the best time or place. Anyone could walk in and nothing was really settled between them. Yet he couldn't resist her, he wanted her to know he wanted her too.

"Stall," she gasped and he moved them into the stall on the end and pushed her up against the solid wall fumbling as he attempted to lock the door.

"Someone might come in," she didn't stop kissing him.

"We'll be quick," he promised and her hands reached for his belt.

He pushed the skirt part of her dress back and nearly lost it, she wasn't wearing anything underneath.

"Oh god Addison," he could barely speak.

She felt a flash of delight in her decision to go commando.

"You approve," she whispered seductively and he just moaned in response.

He was about to grasp both her wrists but she stopped him and before he knew it she slid down in front of him.

"Addison," he was seeing stars and he closed his eyes bracing himself against the wall.

She grinned evilly, it was her revenge, sweet revenge she decided, for his springing the news he was leaving her…again.

Derek pulled her up again not wanting to have his release without her. He shoved the skirt up and pulled her right leg up allowing him access. She clutched his back pulling him towards her and inhaling sharply at the sensation as he moved inside her. They paused briefly before he began a slow steady motion. Suddenly a noise made them both freeze.

Her eyes widened questioningly, and Derek shook his head in annoyance as the sound of heels made their way into the stall next to them.

Addison bit her lip to keep from making a sound, laughter or anything. Why did people always manage to have such bad timing? First Donald and now this?

Derek suddenly moved subtly against her, and she glared at him with all the annoyance she could muster biting on her lip. Her husband of course, could always be counted upon.

He moved again in the same way, against her sensitive spot, and she felt herself tremble, how she hated him right now. She would never be able to live this down if the woman figured out they were in here. Pregnancy made her irrational, but she was still proper, still Addison Montgomery Forbes, it was the Shepard on the end that made this whole situation happen to begin with she grouched to herself. Anything she did would make noise, except…

Derek was rather enjoying the position he had his wife in. He felt powerful, after all she was pinned up against the wall and they couldn't make a sound, but he could decidedly make her writhe while they waited, how fun, and yet suddenly…

His jaw clenched as he felt her clamp down around him and his hands, clasped around hers as they pressed them against the tile wall, dug into her in a frantic attempt to take out his frustration.

Her lips softly and silently met his as her eyes danced, 'two can play this game,' he didn't need verbal confirmation to know what was running through her head.

They kept up their battle of torturing each other as the person washed her hands and left.

As soon as the door shut, all Derek had to do was thrust twice into her and they both came in absolute desperation.

"Oh god," she groaned.

"You are evil," he accused.

"Well you started it," she retorted and he just sighed.

"This doesn't make you leaving any better," she warned him.

"I really don't have to go," he studied her face searching for her real feelings.

"I want you to," she sighed, "just come back to me."

He nodded kissing her sweaty forehead, "I promise. I'll always show up."

As they exited Addison couldn't help but feel let down and Derek, although he was excited about seeing Richard and Adele as well as attending the conference, sensed that she was hiding how she really felt. He didn't want to push her anymore at the moment to talk to him, but he made a mental note to bring it up again soon.


	30. Old and New Friends

Hi everyone. Thanks for the reviews! First, I should address concerns that at least one of you have voiced with Seattle and Meredith. Even though I don't mind her, this is an Addek fic. I don't know exactly where I'm going with this, but keep that in mind. I also wanted a chance to write some of the other characters. I know many people put the introductions explaining what the history is for incoming characters at the top. However I'm going to put the "history" at the bottom so those of you who want to read without knowing first can. I think most of it will be covered through character interactions, although maybe not quite all of it for the sake of the characters and future plot lines perhaps; just leaving myself some plot room. So if you want to know now, go down all the way to the bottom and read it.

Right Hand Blue: Ha, thanks. Enjoy and please keep up the reviewing

Crazy-chica6: Yup yup, let me know what you think about my subtle connections to your suggestion ; )

Addiekatefan: Glad you're hooked, means I'm at least succeeding writing a decent plotline with believable characters.

Stairwell Girl No 2: Hahah, well I hope I answered your question

Rebakathy: Thanks for the review. There are reasons, but it's a good thought.

Seriously Addison: I did try to address that earlier on. I really wanted him to go alone.

Queen Satan: A bit of a break from Addek I'm afraid, but I needed a change

Muse-of-the-fairies: Thanks

Abbeyannmd: Heh, you're welcome.

Okay this chapter covers a lot. Hope you enjoy it. Please review. Usual disclaimer applies.

Previously: Derek and Addison are left uneasy with his impending departure and despite hot sex in a public bathroom; things are still off between them.

Summary: Derek attempts to make amends with a new solution, and although Addison declines it is enough to get them back on solid ground. Derek flies to Seattle where he meets old and new friends.

Chapter 30: Old and New Friends

Derek watched his wife filling in her chart. They hadn't talked yet today and he knew that she was still unsure of his departure. There had to be a way to give her a chance to talk to him about it, but he didn't want to force the conversation. Suddenly his phone rang in his pocket; glancing at the ID he felt a grin spread across his face.

"Hey Richard," he turned away from her and headed towards the stairs to go back to his floor.

"Derek, you still gracing us with your presence this weekend," Richard sounded good.

"Well I think so, just one thing though," it came to him in a flash.

"What's up?" Richard sounded curious.

"Addison might like to come," he wasn't sure actually but he figured he could phrase it that way.

"Really!?" He sounded delighted and Derek paused wondering how to explain.

"She's not sure it'll work out," he decided on, "but she wanted to know if that would be ok."

"Absolutely, Adele would love to show her around, I'll be working most of the weekend," Richard sighed and Derek got the sense that was an issue somehow.

"Okay," he nodded feeling relieved, "I'll see you Friday."

"Do you need a ride?" Richard offered.

"Um," he hadn't thought about it.

"I'll meet you," Richard sounded a little unsure and Derek felt a flash of sympathy.

"No don't worry about it, if you and Adele are anything like me and Addison, then she'll want you home to help with dinner," he chuckled, "I'll be just fine."

"Okay we'll see you then, in time for dinner?" Richard paused.

"Yeah," he would plan on it.

"Alright then, safe trip Derek."

"See you soon," he hung up and headed back down the stiars.

"Addie," he walked towards her and she glanced up looking a bit blue.

"Hi," she accepted his arms around her.

"Listen, I just got off the phone with Richard and he assured me that if you wanted to come it would be fine, in fact Adele would love to show you around and do you know, girl things," he grinned.

"Shopping?" Her voice picked up.

"Yeah," he didn't know butt Adele loved her so probably anything Addie wanted she would do.

"She doesn't know, neither of them do," his wife trailed off and he wasn't sure what she was talking about.

"What do you mean?"

"The baby, us," she sighed.

"I don't have to tell them alone," he reminded her.

"Derek, I really appreciate you asking them, but I can't leave my patients and I probably should try and avoid flying, I'll get tired out with all that traveling in a short amount of time," she looked frustrated.

"Okay, are you sure?" He studied her and was rewarded for her idea with a smile.

"It was a good thought," she nodded, "but I just can't."

"Do you still want me to stay?" Derek waited nervously.

"No no, go," she urged, "Tell them about the baby."

"Really?" The surprise was evident in his voice.

"Yeah, just try to avoid us," she looked vulnerable.

"I'll do my best," he didn't need to tell them; he had Mark to talk to.

"So we're okay," he tilted his head.

"Yes," she kissed him gently.

"At least we got good sex out of that one," he teased and was rewarded with a smack in the arm.

"Ow," he protested moving away.

"Addison," Donald approached them and she composed her features innocently.

"Yes Donald," she inquired.

He glanced at the two of them and realizing she was pregnant decided not to admonish them.

"Nothing," he turned his attention to Derek and found him glaring.

"She hit me and you're going to do nothing?" Derek sounded annoyed.

"Walk with me," he instructed and Derek followed glancing over his shoulder at his wife.

Addison knew Donald wasn't going to make a case out of it because she was pregnant and as the two walked away she took the opportunity to stick her tongue out at her husband. He was too mature to do it back and she felt quite accomplished.

"Dr. Shepard," she turned away at the sound of her name.

"Are you ready to go," Donald asked.

"Yeah, I just have to book my flight," Derek nodded.

"Say hi to Richard and Adele," he reminded Derek, "I haven't seen them in years."

"Will do," Derek stepped into the elevator.

"Oh Derek," Donald grinned at him, "I took her side because I know what pregnant women are capable of."

"It figures, betray the brotherhood," Derek scoffed and suddenly Mark walked in.

"What about the brotherhood," Mark grinned as the doors closed.

"I'm going to Seattle for a conference for the weekend," Derek told his friend.

"Okay," Mark paused trying to figure out how to voice his next thought.

"She's okay with it, I won't be gone long, but keep an eye out for her will you?" He trusted Mark.

"Got it," Mark stepped off the lift.

"Oh Mark," Derek called and his friend turned, "don't make her feel over-protected, she's feeling extra sensitive when people try and shelter her."

"I'll take her out to dinner, tell her I'm keeping her occupied from dreaming about her husband," Mark nodded, "she'll have no idea man, I promise."

"Just see that you don't keep her too occupied," Derek sighed and Mark saluted him before vanishing down the hallway.

Derek went back to his hotel. He booked his ticket and packed his suitcase before heading to eat with Addison. He would leave the next day from work.

"Hi," she opened the door with an apron on.

"My my," he grinned and winked at her teasingly.

"Save it Derek," she sighed looking less amused.

"What's wrong," he was concerned.

"I'm just really tired," she admitted.

"Go sit," he took the spoon from her hand and led her to the kitchen pulling out a chair.

"Derek," she protested.

"Addison," he felt a surge of worry, "I won't baby you unless it seems very clear you need it."

"Fine," she let him take over kitchen duties.

Half an hour later they were eating the stir-fry.

"Are you getting enough sleep, vitamins," leaving didn't seem like such a great idea.

"Derek, you are going," she always read his mind.

"Okay," he finally sighed, "but I'm having Mark check up on you."

"Oh god," she groaned.

"Deal with it," he cleared the table.

They spent the evening watching an old movie curled up on the couch and Addison kissed him goodnight.

"I have the day off tomorrow, I'll see you Monday," she smiled.

"Don't overdo it," he warned her.

"Shut up and go," she glared.

"Okay," he held his hands up in surrender and she closed the door behind him.

The Next Day:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, our flight time is five hours and fifty two minutes, we're looking at a relatively uneventful flight, and the weather looks good on our route. Please sit back and enjoy the ride." Derek settled back in his seat. He had to admit he was looking forward to getting away and taking a break.

Derek slept on most of the flight, first class really helped with the comfort and ease of flying. He hadn't checked any baggage so he hailed a cab to Richard and Adele's.

The cab let him off and as he headed up the walk the door flew open and a little girl was shouting, "Uncle Richard he's here." She was bouncing up and down in her little dress and pigtails.

"Gracie," a young slender girl with dark brown short hair appeared behind her looking frazzled and scooped her up.

"Hi," he walked up the steps.

"Hi," she smiled back and turned her attention to the child in her arms.

"You don't go running out of the house like that okay, you wait for me," she sighed at the little one's subdued nod.

"No harm done," he studied the pair curiously.

"My name is Lexie," she extended her hand and he took it impressed with her strong grip. Their eyes met and though she was smiling, he saw suddenly a wave of sadness in her eyes.

She glanced away quickly towards Gracie, "this is Victoria Grace Grey, we call her Gracie."

"I'm Derek Shepard," he responded smiling at the little girl.

"Derek," Richard appeared behind the pair and Derek embraced his friend.

"Adele is cooking up a storm," he sighed holding the door open and ushering everyone inside.

"Derek," Adele was beaming as she embraced the man she thought of as a son.

"Hi Adele, it's been too long," he pulled away studying her.

"You look great," he was being honest but she rolled her eyes anyway.

"Richard can you occupy both Grace and Derek, I need Lexie for a minute," she vanished into the kitchen and Richard took Grace in his arms nodding at Lexie.

Derek watched them leave and turned to Richard with his eyebrows raised. Richard guided him into the living room and set Gracie down with her toys on the floor and walked back to Derek who was standing by the furniture.

"A drink," he offered and Derek nodded, "whatever is fine."

Richard handed him the glass and the two men sat down.

"So," Derek prompted. His mind was whirling, the two looked similar, but who were they, mother and daughter, sisters? Why were they here?

"Well," Richard took a breath, "I'll tell you just what you really need to know."

"Okay," Derek settled back to listen.

"Lexie is the daughter of Thatcher and Susan Grey. Thatcher was married to Ellis Grey before that and as you may remember Ellis and I were great friends years ago," Richard waited and at Derek's nod before he continued.

"Lexie is a freshman at Harvard, but she's here right now because her mom, Susan, just died two weeks ago," Richard sighed running his hand over his face suddenly looking years older.

"Oh goodness," Derek understood the sadness in her face she tried to so desperately to hide

"Anyway," Richard shook his head as if trying to erase the past few weeks, "the girl, Victoria, or Gracie, is her niece, or half niece I suppose."

"Lexie has a sister," Derek frowned suddenly wondering if it was who he thought.

"Right," Richard confirmed, "Meredith Grey is Ellis and Thatcher's daughter, and Gracie's mom, and she is also a first year intern at Seattle Grace Hospital."

"An intern with a daughter, how old is Gracie," Derek was shocked.

Richard eyed him, "Gracie just turned four," he took a sip of his soda and managed a smile, "Meredith dotes on her."

"Right," Derek digested in the information, "And Meredith lives where?"

"In her mom's house with some other interns, but with Susan's death and Lexie back, they spend a lot of time here," Richard stood, "I think that's about it."

"Wait," Derek stood too; there was one other question he wanted to ask.

"I'm not answering that Derek," Richard started walking away to the kitchen and Derek realized he was serious.

"Dinner ready," Richard poked his head in.

"Get out," Adele sent him a glare, "where is Gracie?"

"Playing with her toys in the living room," Richard responded.

"Well, you better go make sure her hands are clean," Adele turned back to the pot.

"Stew," Richard grinned at Derek and went to find Gracie.

"Lexie," Derek hesitated wondering what to say to her.

"Yeah," she glanced up and saw his expression and her eyes fell. Adele noticed the interaction.

"Why don't you two go set the table," she urged and Derek followed Lexie into the dining room.

"I'm so sorry about your mother," he got almost no reaction from her.

"Thanks," she didn't turn from the silverware drawer.

"If there's anything I can do," he didn't want compelled him to reach out this much, but she was clearly bottling it up inside.

"I'm fine," she squared her shoulders, "it's just a lot to get used to."

"Of course," he took the plates she was holding out for him, and they set the table in silence.

A few minutes later the front door opened, "I'm sorry I'm late," the voice called out.

"Mommy!" Gracie ran by them and Derek followed Lexie to the door.

An equally petite young woman with longer blonde hair was holding the little girl.

"I'm so sorry Richard," she apologized to her almost stepfather as he also joined them.

"Don't worry Meredith, no harm done, you're right on time," he assured her.

"Oh god," she suddenly saw Derek, "and we're even having company and I'm late."

"Meredith," Richard took a step forward and Lexie grabbed Gracie from her arms so Richard could hug her.

"I just can't," she was on the verge of tears.

"Come on," Richard ushered her into the living room and Derek glanced at Lexie.

"It's hard, I mean with mom's death, she was Meredith's patient," Lexie sighed.

Derek was shocked and couldn't really say anything.

"It's okay," she nodded, "no one knows exactly how to respond, you don't have to say anything," she walked into the kitchen and Derek was left absolutely speechless.

A few minutes later Richard and Meredith joined everyone in the kitchen. Derek's eyes studied her carefully; she looked freshened up and had a glass of the same scotch he'd been drinking.

"Hi," she smiled softly, "I'm sorry about that."

Derek quickly shook his head, "no apologies are necessary."

"Derek, this is Meredith Grey, Meredith this is an old friend Derek Shepard," Richard introduced them.

"It's nice to meet you Meredith, you have a wonderful little girl here," he complimented.

"Trouble maker is more like it," Lexie threw back and Meredith grinned.

"Dinner," Adele shooed them into the dining room and everyone sat down.

Gracie climbed into her taller chair and Meredith put the food in front of her, macaroni and cheese.

"Hang on honey it's hot," Meredith stirred it for her as everyone sat down.

"I love you mommy," Gracie gave her a sloppy kiss and Derek watched Meredith fight to keep her composure.

"I love you too," she kissed her daughter on the top of the head and settled in the seat beside her.

Lexie sat down next to Derek and Adele and Richard took the head and foot of the table.

It was a silent blessing and the serving began.

"So Lexie, Harvard?" Derek was impressed.

"Yeah," she blushed looking down.

"Don't be shy," Meredith urged her, "She's brilliant," she informed Derek.

"Mer stop," Lexie pleaded.

Meredith smiled, but fell silent anyway.

"Derek, how's Addison," Richard asked.

"She's good," Derek hesitated, "we're actually expecting a baby."

"Really!" Adele's eyes widened, "Congratulations."

"I'm sorry," Lexie looked confused.

"Oh, Addison is Derek's wife," Richard explained.

"That's wonderful," Meredith's eyes looked misty as she offered her own congratulations.

"Wow," Lexie grinned.

"Yeah," Derek nodded, "it's amazing."

Just then Gracie pulled Meredith's hair hard.

"Ouch," Meredith cried out and turned to her daughter, "don't pull hair Gracie, that's not polite, if you want something, then you ask me."

Gracie's face crumbled and Meredith took a deep steadying breath.

"She's tired," Lexie offered.

"I know," Meredith whispered.

"I'm finished, I'll give her a bath," Lexie stood and reached for the crying child and headed upstairs.

"Meredith," Adele reproached softly.

Meredith looked miserable, "I know, I know," she said her voicing cracking.

"Okay," she glanced around the table, "I'm sorry to leave like this, but I have to," she pointed to the sitars.

"Go," Richard urged and she darted up the stairs.

He met Derek's eyes, "they're trying their best, but it's not easy for either of them."

"I can't imagine," Derek sighed.

Adele smiled at Derek, "That's wonderful news Derek, how is she?"

"She's okay so far so good," Derek assured her.

"Richard, we need to visit them," she glanced at her husband.

"Adele," he sighed, and sounded tired as if the conversation was already predictable.

"We do," she protested.

"We'll visit you," Derek sensed the tension.

"Desert," Adele stood.

"Maybe in a bit," Derek rubbed his stomach, "I'm stuffed."

"Okay," she started for the plates.

"No no," Derek protested but Adele shook her head.

"Lexie did clean up earlier, these just need to go in the dishwasher, I'll join you men in a minute."

Derek and Richard ambled into the living room.

"How's life as Chief," Derek asked.

"Busy," he sighed, "I don't spend time at home much, Adele misses that."

"I can tell," Derek felt a knot in his stomach, so much like Addison he realized.

"I am trying these days to be here when the girls get back," he shook his head, "I want them to feel like they have a home to come back to."

"What happened to Thatcher," Derek was unclear why Lexie was staying with them.

"Thatcher has always been difficult," Richard hesitated, "he's mixed so deep in his grief right now that he's drinking a bit more than usual. Lexie doesn't need that in her life."

Derek's heart clenched for the young woman's situation.

"And Ellis," he wondered.

"Nursing home," Richard didn't elaborate.

Derek decided to leave it for the time being. They sat in silence.

"I got asked to be chief," Derek finally admitted.

"Congratulations, I always knew you had it in you," Richard beamed.

"Yeah," Derek looked down swirling his drink, he didn't know how much to say.

"Derek," Richard prodded and Derek reluctantly met his gaze.

"It's Addison," he took a sip wondering how to explain the situation.

"And the baby," Richard added.

"Yes," Derek sighed.

"You were always so ambitious," Richard reflected, "I never thought you'd find anyone who would understand your damn dedication."

"I followed in your footsteps," Derek reminded him.

"You were always too busy trying to be the best and make everyone proud of you," Richard gave a soft laugh, "that day when you told me you were bringing someone to dinner I thought you were desperate enough to ask one of your sisters."

"Oh really," Derek wasn't surprised.

"Addison was perfect for you," Richard was gazing into empty space, "she was beautiful of course, intelligent, witty and very much like you in her pursuit of achievement," he noticed Derek's empty glass and offered him more. Derek took it gratefully.

"She's unhappy," Richard guessed.

"Concerned, I have become focused on doing this to the best of my abilities, I can't fail Richard, not at this level." Derek knew Richard did get that.

"Derek," Richard sounded annoyed just the same.

"No Richard, this hospital, I have a reputation and people trust me," he argued.

"And your wife," Richard asked.

"You are a fine one to talk," Derek snapped feeling his defensive walls go up. He regretted it almost immediately.

"Adele and I are long past the stage you two are at," he sighed.

"What do you mean," Derek questioned.

"We still love each other, but she's accepted I'm not the same person, and even though she would probably leave me if she wanted, we're in a routine now that works for better or worse," Richard explained.

Derek wasn't convinced but he let it slide.

"Okay," it wasn't worth arguing.

They heard footsteps and glanced over to the staircase.

"Hi," Meredith appeared looking hesitant.

"Hi there, is she asleep," Richard asked her.

"Well," she met Derek's eyes, "she wants Derek to come say good night."

He was surprised.

"If that's not a problem," she added hastily.

"No problem," he stood and headed for the stairs following her up.

Lexie was just leaving the room when he got to the door.

"I'm going downstairs to help Adele," she vanished and Meredith walked in.

"Derek has come up to say good night sweetie," she knelt down next to the bed and the little girl stared at her.

"Mommy," she sounded so little and Derek watched the interaction with a lump in his throat.

"Yes baby," Meredith brushed the hair out of her face.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Gracie's voice trembled.

"I love you so much," Meredith whispered, "I'll always hear you, you don't have to pull my hair to get my attention, or anyone's for that matter okay? I'll always make sure you're heard."

Gracie nodded and Meredith kissed her forehead and stood up.

She left them alone and Derek walked over the bed wondering what Gracie wanted.

"Hi," she eyed him.

"Hi," he too knelt next to her.

"Are you my daddy?" Her questioned rendered him without words, not for the first time that evening.

"No," he whispered feeling her tug on his heartstrings.

"I want my daddy," she whimpered and Derek felt his heart completely break. In that moment he hated the child's father for ever leaving her. But he couldn't judge without knowing, the father could have died somehow tragically in a car accident or something.

"I am sure he loves you very much and you have an amazing mom," he tugged the covers up further tucking them closely around her little fragile body.

"Mommy's always sad, and tired," she informed him.

"Well mommy is studying to be a doctor, doctors save lots of lives," Derek assured her.

"But she's not home," Gracie whined.

"I know," Derek whispered the knot growing bigger in his gut.

"You know what," he met her eyes and she looked at him curiously.

"What?"

"I'm going to tell you something and you have to remember it okay?" He prayed he was doing the right thing.

"Okay," she nodded.

"Mommy thinks about you all the time, and she loves you so much," he promised.

"All the time?"

"Yes," Derek had no hesitation in his voice, "and she really wants to be here for you all the time, but she can't and that is very hard for her because of how much she loves you, never forget that okay?"

Gracie nodded and Derek stood, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night Derek," her little voice was already sleepy.

"Good night Gracie," he headed for the door.

Meredith watched him walk in and couldn't bring herself to walk away. She wondered why her daughter wanted Derek to say goodnight. She barely knew him.

The first question made her stomach turn and her chest tighten. Derek handled it so well. He would be such a wonderful father if he wasn't one already. She wished desperately Gracie had such a figure in her life. Things should have been so different. She heard her daughter's small voice filled with doubt about how much Meredith loved her, and she felt another pang for never being around enough. Life was so unfair. Again his responses to her daughter's doubts made her want to weep and curl up on the floor. The last few weeks had drained her of almost every ounce of energy she had. Between Susan's death, Thatcher's binge drinking, trying to take care of Gracie, working intern hours and then keeping up to date with her mother, Meredith wasn't sure how she made it through the day. Then she came home to find a new person in the house whose eyes seemed to look right through her. She'd snapped at her daughter and felt ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Now a stranger was promising her own daughter that her mother loved her.

She heard him stand up and say good night, she quietly hurried down the stairs and out on the porch to try and regain her composure.

Derek exited the door his mind whirling from the conversation with Gracie. She was so precious.

"She asleep now," Lexie looked up and he nodded.

"Where's Meredith," he asked.

"I don't know," she shrugged, "I heard a door slam, she might be out back."

Derek saw the door leading to the porch and went over to open it. He saw her form standing by the railing and her shoulders were shaking.

"Meredith," he stepped onto the deck.

"Hi," she hastily wiped tears away.

"Are you okay," he stood next to her.

"She's really smart isn't she," Meredith whispered ignoring his question.

"Did you hear," he knew without asking but that was a way into the more difficult questions he had.

She nodded and he offered her his handkerchief.

"You're going to be a great dad," she smiled at him.

"I don't know," he admitted.

"I do," she looked straight ahead blankly.

"My dad wasn't around much, he loved us, and I always knew that, but he was busy and then he died when I was eleven," Derek wasn't sure why he was telling her all of this.

"Maybe, but it's clear that you're great with kids," she assured him, "You got right through to her in ways I even can't."

"It can't be easy," he wanted to make her pain go away; "you're doing a great job really, no matter how you feel."

"These past few weeks," she sighed, "they've been so hard and what's worse, I'm neglecting her."

"Meredith," he wanted her to stop blaming herself for circumstances beyond her control.

"She should never question where she comes in my life, she's always first," Meredith choked out.

"Some day she'll realize how hard this time was," Derek assured her, "she loves you Meredith."

"I don't know if I deserve that some days," she sighed, "I want to give her everything she could ever want and I thought I was doing okay and then today I realized how I failed her in the most basic way possible."

He was silent, "Meredith, life doesn't always go as planned." He was going to continue but she cut him off with a soft snort.

"What?"

"Nothing, you're right," she said hastily but he waited for her to continue.

"She was the," Meredith took a moment to make sure she got it right, "the absolute best thing that ever happened to me, but at the same time, it was the worst timing I could imagine."

"I'm sure," he sighed.

"I was just going into medical school before she was born and then I spent three years there and now am an intern, I've still got two more years of this and then residency before I can be a real mom, or even close to better at it," she wiped more tears away.

"And her father," Derek finally asked.

She just shook her head.

He waited but she said nothing.

"I'm sorry," she realized he was waiting for her to continue, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," he left it alone.

"Your mom is in a home," he inquired curiously promising himself that was the last hard topic he'd push tonight.

"She has Alzheimer's," Meredith whispered.

"Oh god Meredith," and he couldn't help his impulse this time, his arms pulled her in close and she lost it completely.

She crumbled, her knees gave out and he followed her to the ground desperately trying to calm her as her sobs wracked her entire frame. He noted how skinny she was and how her very breaths seemed to catch. She was panicking.

"Slow down, deep breaths," he whispered stroking her hair.

"You're okay, slow down," he rubbed her back firmly.

"I can't handle this," she gasped, "I can't keep doing this."

"Yes you can, you are strong and while it's hard now, it will get better. You've got a healthy beautiful child and a wonderful surrogate family to fall back on Meredith. All you need to do is ask," he told her gently.

"Damn it," she tried to breathe normally.

"It's going to be okay," he promised.

Finally finally her breathing evened out and she slumped against him in exhaustion.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before he noticed she was shivering slightly.

"Let's go inside," he ushered her in and Lexie appeared in front of her sister.

"Oh Meri," she wrapped an arm around her sister, "stay here with Gracie tonight," she urged.

Meredith was too tired to argue and Lexie guided her up the stairs.

"Derek," he glanced up at her.

"Thank you," her eyes were red and puffy and she looked awful but her smile was real.

He just nodded and smiled back, "see you soon."

She and Lexie went upstairs and Richard put his hand on Derek's shoulder.

"Did you talk to her," he asked.

"She's pretty worn out," Derek said worriedly.

"Adele and I are concerned about both of them, they get strength from their mothers and they are so alike," he sighed, "they're hiding from it, trying to get through the day without worrying people."

Derek nodded, "She's' doing a great job with Gracie Richard," he felt the hand squeeze and he glanced at his friend.

"She's managing Derek and she's an intern, you have to find a way to balance your life," Richard sighed, "no matter what you do, your baby will feel your absence just like Gracie knows about Meredith or Adele deals with mine."

Derek remembered how innocently she noticed Meredith's absence and his heart clenched, Meredith's guilt was overwhelming. He couldn't imagine living like that.

In the background the phone rang.

"Derek," Adele appeared holding it out.

"Derek, you have to get on a plane and get back here," his best friend's strained voice came down the line.

Whew, done, Longest Chapter EVER, plot bunny appreciates as much feeding as you are kind enough to give….and now back to multiple papers.

Character background

Ellis and Richard were the best of friends, but nothing more during their residency.

Meredith is in her first year as an intern at SGH with the usual suspects, and Bailey is their resident. Meredith does live in her mom's house with Izzie and George, but she spends a lot of time with Adele and Richard who are like her surrogate parents. She also has a two year old daughter Autumn Sydney Grey.

Ellis and Thatcher were married, but he left just like in the show and got together with Susan and Susan died very recently, this being a bit different than the show where she dies later on.

Lexie is in her freshmen year at Harvard, but is taking a semester off because her mom just died and her father is drinking too much. To make things easier for everyone, including herself, she is staying with Richard and Adele for support and stability. Lexie dotes on Grace and spends a great deal of time helping Meredith take care of her to take her mind off things. The age gap between the two is a bit bigger than on the show and they are much closer.

Ellis is in the home and doesn't remember much. Molly is somewhat out of the picture. Whew, I think that's about it.


	31. Please Come Home to Me

Hi everyone thanks for the reviews. Sorry about the delay, lots of work to do and some writers' block. I realize that many of you were uncertain about Meredith, again just so you know, I am not writing a MerDer fic, and they will NOT end up together. That being said, I don't mind MerDer and I would appreciate it if you could keep the MerDer flames to a minimum. I know it is not a reflection on the writing so I don't take it personally, but I like writing other characters as well and it keeps it more interesting for me and my version of the characters. I've done some plot reworking, and hopefully after this weekend I'll be updating a little more frequently. Please keep reviewing. Usual disclaimer applies.

Also, I apologize for the name goof with Gracie, in the character bio I picked one name and changed it in the story and forgot to go back to the introduction at the end. Oops.

Abbeyannmd: Here you go, sorry for the wait.

Queen Satan: Sorry there isn't an exact answer here, but you can theorize

SeriouslyAddison: You can go right ahead and be iffy if you'd like. I think what I'm going for is a different dynamic with Meredith and Derek where she is someone who is trying to be strong and independent and is struggling. He is having a hard time connecting with people in general but senses her conflict and does want to help. I see her a bit as a distant aid in getting him back to where he needs to be with Addison, as with her situation he is not so blinded by history, it's just there in front of him and he is an outsider seeing it all with fresh eyes.

Crazy-chica6: Thanks, believe it or not, that wake up call sort of happened on its own, I didn't plan that exactly. I mean I had the plot but I didn't realize that between Richard and Adele and then how I decided to write Meredith/Gracie/Lexie's situation with Susan and whatnot that it would work quite as well as it did. Thanks for the kind words.

Eleanor J.: Sorry! And apologies again for the name confusion as well!

Addiekatefan: No Addek sorry. Soon, Addison is back though.

Flaming jigsaw: Addison is struggling to assess her marriage would be one way to describe it.

Stairwell Girl No 2: Glad you enjoyed it.

Rebakathy: Thanks for reviewing; we're getting to the NY happenings bit by bit

Ladyforga72: Lol, joke away

Bleupastel: You're welcome, enjoy.

Previously: Derek visits Richard and Adele and meets Meredith, her young daughter Gracie and sister Lexie.

Summary: Mark and Addison visit and Addison ponders what Derek's trip really means.

Chapter 31: Please Come Home to Me

Meanwhile back in NY

She woke up with morning sickness for the first time in weeks. The bed called out to her as she walked back into her room, but she pulled herself together dressing to the nines in an attempt to feel better. Addison stood profile to the mirror and placed her hands over her still fairly skinny form. It was hard to believe she was carrying another being around.

"Hey gorgeous," the voice was not Derek but in that moment she would take Mark's jiving.

"Hi," she braved a smile and failed. It was simple, she wanted her husband.

"What's wrong," he was concerned and she found herself in his arms fighting tears.

"Addison," he was nervous, he promised Derek he would take care of his wife. Derek wouldn't be pleased with him if something was wrong and he didn't notice.

"I just," she wasn't sure what to say.

"Is everything ok with the baby," the jitters in his stomach were making him edgy.

"Fine," she assured him, "I'm just feeling tired."

"Go home," he urged.

"No I have patients to see," she sighed.

"Get someone to cover, Derek would never forgive me if," he trailed off.

"Don't worry Mark," she picked up her chart and this time her smile was real, "we're both fine."

He shook his head making a mental note to check on her later.

The day was long; an emergency C-section took Addison an extra forty five minutes at the end of her twelve hour shift.

"Addison," Mark was there holding a bag of what smelled like Chinese food.

She raised her eyebrows at him questioningly.

Mark's eyes took her in, she was dressed in a beautiful black dress, simple, her high heeled shoes and a simple gold necklace, and her hair fell down her back in wavy curls. She was a vision. He sighed inwardly annoyed at Derek for leaving, despite the shortness of the trip.

"Home," he ordered and she found herself grateful for his concern.

"So how are you and Derek doing," he hadn't talked to Derek in a while.

Addison sighed "better I think." She played with her food.

Mark frowned, "better?"

"He's still not living here, and he's still not giving up the job," she shrugged, "but he is around more and he is doing baby stuff with me and making sure I'm taking care of myself."

Mark nodded feeling secretly relieved; Derek had been trying, although not hard enough in his opinion.

"Are you okay with him being in Seattle," Mark questioned curiously.

"It's only a weekend, I'm living apart from him, I can handle it," she sounded irritated which indicated to Mark she was really hiding how she felt.

"Addison, this is me," he urged.

Addison sat staring at her plate. It wasn't that she didn't want to vent, because she did. But this was Mark, and although Derek had decided to give him a second chance, even asked him to look out for her – and she knew Derek did as it was the type of thing he would do – but she wasn't sure.

"I," she sighed, "I just don't know."

"Ads," he reached for her hand and she took his taking a breath.

"Okay, I do wish he hadn't gone, I thought now that he was freed from those long days of paperwork that he might stick around," she was angry and Mark felt terrible for her.

"I hate when he does this Mark, are we not enough?" That was her greatest fear that family life wasn't going to be enough enticement for Derek to give up some of his work obsession.

"Addison," he protested feeling rage surging and trying to ignore it.

"No Mark, I keep giving him time, and now I wonder if I should even bother."

"You should," he hated telling her that because he knew that she had to be at the end of her rope.

"Mark," it wasn't that he didn't get it, she knew he did understand.

Suddenly tears were running down her cheeks again and she buried her face in her free hand. Finally she gave up.

Mark sat hopelessly, he didn't want to crowd her, but he wanted to offer her some kind of comfort.

"Sweetie," he stopped himself, "Addison, please look at me, you have to calm down."

"I know," she sniffled.

"What do you want," he searched her eyes.

"I want my damn husband back," she glared at him.

Mark leaned back in his chair pondering her words. It was simple, she didn't want him, and he would always be her friend, so there was nothing to worry about. He kept that in mind as he pulled her up into his arms.

Addison had watched him consider her words and then as he closed his large arms around her she sighed. It wasn't Derek who was holding her and she wished it was, she missed how her husband used to tease her and make her feel so important. Derek was better than he had been.

She knew that Seattle was short, it wasn't that he was going for a bad reason, in fact it was good for him to get some additional new knowledge, and say hello to Richard and Adele, but it was the simple fact that on one of the first weekends he wasn't under extreme pressure he didn't choose ot stay with her. That was the bottom line, the little shred of knowledge that created a huge bubble of fear that was threatening to overtake her. At that very moment, it was only Mark's presence all around her that was keeping her sanity intact.

Mark sensed her tension, he could feel her body shaking slightly and he worried. This was not good for her, or the baby.

"Addison," he wanted to urge her to settle it once and for all.

"Mmm," she mumbled.

"You have to give him an ultimatum, you have to make the choice," he urged.

"No," she pulled back.

"Yeah, you have to, it's time," he sighed.

"Mark it's been just over two months," she shook her head, "we have time."

"You do," he agreed knowing what she meant, "but not for your own health Addie."

"Don't call me that," she spat feeling tension rising again in her.

"Relax, please, I'm sorry," he apologized, "Ads, you got to talk to him. Make him see what you go through every day. He will either be the better guy or he'll be an idiot."

"I don't want to have to make good on a threat," she whispered.

"Sooner or later," he shrugged, "you might have to."

"When did you have such little faith in your best friend," she defended Derek.

"God Addison, since he started being such a little shit," Mark was angry.

"He's human Mark," Addison shot back taking a step away from him.

"Don't defend him, he doesn't deserve it," Mark retorted his eyes blazing.

"Well someone has to," she argued.

"No, no one has to defend his stupidity," Mark informed her, "that is something you don't get to have justified in this situation."

"He needs the time to straighten out," she whispered.

"Lost chances," Mark met her gaze, "and what's more, you know it."

"I don't want to raise the baby alone," she admitted.

"Oh Addison, you won't be," he promised, "You'll have friends in LA to visit, and Savy and me," he added.

"Mark," she laughed softly.

"Everyone will help you, even Derek still will," he acquiesced, "he'll be a great dad."

"I want him in our lives, I don't want him outside our life," Addison shook her head.

"Just don't let it keep wearing you down," Mark finally finished.

"I'm going to run a bath," she headed up the stairs her mind whirling.

Mark cleared the table and as he was loading the dishwasher his mind traveled to his friends. He loved them both, for different reasons. He loved how Derek always stood up for him, for his patients and for his principles. Derek loved a challenge and he loved to be good at everything. Mostly Mark found that amusing, sometimes admirable, but occasionally a pain in the neck, or whatever. There was that element to Derek that enjoyed proving himself too much. Mark was often mildly supportive, or just watched from the sidelines, but he found it harder in this situation because for the first time, Derek's actions had a greater impact on Mark due to Addison. Addison, he sighed. She was perfect in his eyes. Derek had married the perfect woman, it wasn't that Mark particularly wanted her, but he wanted that love they had. He would watch them sometimes when they weren't looking. The love in their eyes used to say it all, even as they passed each other in the hallways at the hospital. Somehow Derek's stupidity had changed it, now her eyes were sad and uncertain, his distant and possessed. Mark was stuck in the middle, missing his friend but wanting to help Addison somehow.

He wanted to tell her to leave Derek, to scare him into coming back to her. Addison would never leave him unless she was truly ready, and Mark believed her love for Derek was so pure that she would never leave, even if the stress and worry caused her to lose her health.

Addison was sitting in the tub, she wasn't feeling well. She had lied to Mark, but the truth was she wasn't really sure where the physical discomfort and emotional turmoil began and ended. Her husband wasn't choosing her quite yet. He was getting better; did that mean she should hold out? Or was Mark right, did he have a point, that Derek might shape up more quickly if she did separate officially. Right now they were just not living together. She admitted that it wasn't good for her to be stressed all the time, but yet she didn't want to trap him. She would rather divorce than have him resent their baby.

She blinked suddenly feeling her head jolt. The dizziness was starting to consume her.

Addison was pretty sure she managed to call for Mark before everything went hazy.

Mark rushed up the stairs hearing her voice and barging into the bathroom he was just in time to catch her before she slipped down into the tub.

"Oh God, Addison," he dialed 911 on his phone and urged them to hurry. He was holding her as her eyelids fluttered. She was still breathing fine but she seemed totally out of it.

The ambulance arrived minutes later and as they were loading her in she grasped his hand fearfully.

"It'll be okay," he promised.

"Call Derek," she whispered pleadingly.

He pressed speed dial #1 but there was no answer.

"Addison," he sighed worriedly.

"Phone book, top door of my desk, Adele and Richard," her voice was weak and Mark squeezed her hand.

"We'll meet you there," the driver closed the door and Mark sprinted up the stairs.

He found the book and frantically dialed the number.

"Hello," the woman's voice was friendly.

"I need to speak to Derek please, this is his best friend Mark in New York, it's urgent," he choked out.

Seconds later his friend's voice came over the line.

"Derek, you have to get on a plane and get back here," Mark could only hope he would respond.


	32. You're Here

Hi all and thanks for the reviews, the plot bunny is happy. Usual disclaimer applies.

Bleupastel: Thanks, and I feel devilish with the cliffhangers. Grin.

QUEENADDEK: Yeah I always thought he was a little too "Mark" in the show, or rather, too often he seemed a bit shallow. I wanted him to soften up a little. He's not perfect and cares for Addie, maybe sometimes a little too much, but he's still a good guy.

Abbeyannmd: Here you go.

SeriouslyAddison: Thanks. You didn't offend, I get what you mean.

Right Hand Blue: Don't worry about it, thanks for the feedback, anytime you can I appreciate it.

Addiekatefan: Hehehe, I feel mischievous. Here you go and enjoy.

Rebakathy: Oh alright fine, I suppose I can provide you with that now that I've made you wait two whole chapters.

Stairwell Girl No 2: No praying for fanfic, or rather I'm so human (not God) that it won't make any differences so I'd save those prayers up. Derek and Addie have a ways to go.

Crazy-Chica6: He is a big jerk lol, but still a good guy. The plot line I have so far got tweaked a little recently, but his path isn't exactly a straight line either (yet).

Flaming jigsaw: Maybe this will save the cat. (Referring to the saying "curiosity killed the cat"). As in satisfy your heightened curiosity. Enjoy.

Previously: Addison and Mark talk, her fears surface and she has a pregnancy scare.

Summary: Derek rushes home in a panic and starts to realize the true extent of his actions and their consequences.

Chapter 32: You're Here

Derek hung up the phone his thoughts whirling. Mark was freaking out, Addison was on the way to the hospital and he was clear across the country at a damn conference.

"Fuck," he swore and Adele stared in shock.

"Derek?" She was worried.

"I have to go," he stood up and rushed upstairs colliding with Meredith on the top step.

"Jesus Derek," she jumped out of his way.

"Sorry," he rushed to the guest room to get his suitcase and she called softly to him.

"What's wrong," the concern was etched all over her delicate features.

"Addison's having problems with the pregnancy," he choked out unable to believe what was happening.

"Oh God, Derek, I'm so sorry," she looked horrified.

"I have to go," he said again.

"Do you need a ride to the airport," she offered and he stared blankly at her.

"No," he knew what a hard day she'd had, "Richard will take me."

"Derek," Richard was standing at the bottom of the stairs wearing a coat.

"Coming Richard," he kissed Adele's cheek.

"It was nice meeting you," Meredith smiled, "I'm sure she's going to be fine."

"Derek," Adele's voice tightened and she stopped.

"I'll call you as soon as I know anything," and the two men raced out the door.

He got on the next flight to NY and five hours crept by. Derek hailed a cab to the hospital and threw a one hundred at the driver, "go now!"

The driver didn't even have time to give him change.

"Derek," Mark was waiting for him.

"How is she, what's wrong, is the baby okay," Derek's words were almost on top of one another.

"They won't tell me what's wrong," Mark growled, "just that she's been stabilized."

Derek turned around heading straight for the nurses' station.

"I need to know about my wife, Addison Shepard, get me her doctor now please," Derek ordered.

"Sir," the nurse glared at him, "Dr. Baker will be paged, but he's coming from a surgery so…"

Derek cut her off, "I'm the assistant chief of surgery here," clearly she was new, "get me Dr. Baker now,"

The nurse's eyes widened and she reached for the phone.

"Derek," he turned.

"Dr. Baker," he rushed towards him.

"Addison is stable, she has pre-eclampsia Derek."

Derek fell against the wall and felt Mark's hand grasp his arm.

"Derek she will be alright," Dr. Baker hesitated, "you can go see her."

Derek composed himself and headed for her room.

Addison was crying, not just a few tears, but lots. She wanted her husband. Her baby was in distress, Mark was right and Mark was here and Derek wasn't.

"Addie baby," his voice suddenly sounded in the doorway.

"Derek," she reached for him sobbing.

"I'm here," he held her close.

"You're here," she whispered back, she couldn't believe it.

"I'm so sorry" he whispered.

"You came back," it was her greatest fear and relief coming true at the same time now.

"Of course I came back," her words twisted like a knife in his back, she doubted it. Of course she did, he had done little recently to make her believe otherwise.

He held her shaking body cursing himself for leaving her.

"I knew I shouldn't have left when you weren't feeling well," he berated himself.

"It's ok," she surprised herself, that wasn't entirely true, but she was feeling so thankful he was there that she wanted him to stop blaming himself.

"What," he was shocked.

"Mark got me here," she smiled, "and you came back, I did tell you to go."

Her words hurt, Mark was here.

He forced a smile unwilling and unable to show the pain he was feeling, of course Mark was there, Mark would always be there filling in for him, because Derek asked him too.

He took a breath and nodded, "I'm here now, I did come back."

Addison fell asleep in her husband's arms. His hand drifted to her stomach and gently rested on it.

His child was in distress and there was little he could do about it, this was his life now, a little being whose existence depended on him, but whose protection was often left to higher powers or fate, how had his parents done this five times? His mind was skittering around like a water bug.

"Derek," he glanced up to see his best friend in the doorway.

"Hi," he carefully climbed off the bed and went to stand outside with Mark, he closed the door softly behind him.

"How is she," Mark looked like he aged ten years.

"Alright," Derek nodded and then forcing the hurt down into his gut he continued softly, "thanks for being there, looking after her."

Mark said nothing and Derek wondered if he'd even heard him speak.

"Mark," he questioned.

"I heard you," Mark's voice was tight and Derek frowned, his friend sounded hostile.

"What?" Derek was worried.

"Derek," Mark hesitated wondering what to say.

"Do you kiss her again," Derek couldn't help the sharpness of his tone.

Mark's eyes danced with fire, "damn you Derek."

"I'm sorry, it's just been quite a day," he sighed.

"It's okay," Mark let it go.

"What's wrong," Derek asked.

"It shouldn't have been me to bring her here," Mark glared at him.

"I know," Derek did know.

"Really," Mark pestered.

"Yes," Derek nodded.

"You've got to meet her halfway," Mark finally said softly, "I wouldn't blame her if she left you."

"Have you told her to," Derek wasn't sure if he would get an honest answer.

"No," Mark huffed, "First off I have a heart, secondly I like you both too much to break you up that easily and finally I'm still holding out for your better angels to scream down at you and knock some sense into your brain. For a neurosurgeon you're quite stupid really."

Mark could get away with saying that sort of thing to Derek, he was the only one and he knew it. Mark rarely got so pointed, but then again, Derek rarely asked for it like he was now.

"You want me to give up chief," Derek asked finally.

"No," Mark shook his head, "I didn't say that."

"What are you saying," Derek was uncertain.

"I'm saying, she should come first Derek, you can put her first, and then when those times come up that your job competes with her, you balance it out. She'll understand your absences at times if you're around more."

"Yeah," Derek nodded.

"Make an effort, make it work," Mark stared at him, "if you can't get it right, make a choice and so help me God Derek I swear if you hurt her," he stopped waiting.

"I won't, and I'm glad you're looking out for her," Derek admitted.

Addison heard them talking. She didn't hear exact words but she heard tones, Derek was remorseful and Mark was angry. She was upset with her husband but mostly disturbed. She wondered nervously if this was her life, raising a child without him. Derek should have been there, certainly at a time when their marriage was falling apart. This baby was the best and worst thing that had ever happened to her. She bit her lip forcing down tears.

His ideals and dedication to his career were admirable and she knew that he wanted to give his best to everything. Addison had been excited about their slow and steady progress complete with hot bathroom sex in recent days, but Derek was still not the Derek she married. That Derek was both loving and competitive, but she knew then she had no competition for him. Today she wasn't so sure.

Derek stared at his friend. Mark was a good man, a manwhore perhaps, but a loyal friend. He knew it wasn't easy being there for him and Addison at the same time. Mark had done a remarkable job so far, but it was clear whatever conversations he had been having with Addison before her pregnancy scare had him angry.

"What did she say to you," Derek finally asked.

"It's private," Mark's answer made his blood boil.

"Mark," his warning tone didn't phase his friend.

"No Derek, she's my friend too and if she tells me things to get them off her chest then I will not break that trust, ask her yourself."

"I don't know how," he hated admitting that.

"Figure it out," no sympathy from Mark's corner this time.

"Where do I start," Derek glanced through the window in the door at her sleeping figure.

"You've forgotten how to talk to her," Mark reminded him.

"Yeah," Derek nodded.

"Well, you might start by acknowledging you've hurt her," Mark suggested almost sarcastically and Derek shot him a look.

"You asked," Mark snorted unable to maintain his composure. He was getting annoyed.

"Yeah I did, for advice on how to talk to her," Derek retorted.

"Let me tell you," Mark crossed his arms in front of him and straightened up to his full – much taller than Derek – height. Derek said nothing.

"First you have to admit you're mostly the one in the wrong here, not in your intentions perhaps as you do always try to do far too much too well," Mark gave him that, "but generally you are in the wrong here and admitting that especially to her because she's been hurt by it is a good place to begin."

It was logical and sound advice, and Derek hated it.

"You are right," he sighed.

"Of course I am," Mark said firmly, but his voice was lighter and gentler.

"So, she's hurt, I'm a jackass and wrong, and we need to start over," the awful realizations.

"Pretty much," Mark sighed.

"Damn," it was the only left to say.

The two men stood in companionable silence. One was considering telling the other what the woman they both loved was really thinking about, the other was pondering how to get her to talk to him without holding back.

Addison was tired, she was frustrated and she was also happy in an odd way. Derek was here, he'd rushed back and his true concern was touching. She knew he cared, she had no doubts now, it was merely what he would choose to do with them, his job, and his obsessions. Was she going to triumph, would she have to fight still, she didn't know. Leaving him would almost kill her, but staying seemed like a questionable path as well. She wanted him to move back in, but not yet, it would still seem pointless, he hadn't officially changed yet. She wouldn't reward his return as if it were some grand gesture, it was right of him to rush back, especially because he shouldn't have gone in the first place. Addison wanted her husband to come back to the bed and hold her. The thought of losing her baby terrified her, but they were okay, and he was here.

Just then she heard the door open and Mark's voice saying goodbye.

Derek carefully climbed onto the bed but banged his knee on the railing. She heard him curse softly and smothered a giggle. He didn't notice.

"Addie baby," he whispered and something told her not to answer.

"I'm so sorry," he continued brushing the hair back and kissing her cheek, then his hand went to her stomach, "and baby, I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you."

He sighed, "I met some new people in Seattle," his voice was regretful, "they're family friends of Richard and Adele and one of them has a young daughter."

Addison was curious but lay quietly.

"She's an intern and single mom, and her daughter asked me if her mom loved her, not in so many words, but she doubted that love because things have been hard for them and mom wasn't around," his voice shook, "I don't want that for us sweetie," and Addison almost started to cry.

"Richard and Adele are in that stereotypical marriage," he sighed, "they love each other, but they've accepted less from each other than what each of them really deserves."

Addison felt a pang; she'd hoped that their two friends were happier than Derek made them sound.

He steadied himself before finishing, "your mom and I have a lot to work out, and while we're doing that if you could just treat her well because she loves you and is giving you life, I'd appreciate it, I need her to be healthy and happy," he paused, "I can't wait to meet you."

She found herself soothed by him and drifting off to sleep.

Derek curled up next to her and she once again found herself hopeful. She may have kicked him out for a reason, but people could change and he was proof of that.

Please review!


	33. Crossed Connections

Thanks for the reviews! Usual disclaimer applies.

Muse-of-the-fairies: She loves him too much

Queen Satan: Yeah, it's not easy. He's still trying to figure stuff out, and he knows that he does love her so he has to start somewhere making the right effort

Addiekatefan: thanks

FixUpLookSharp: Thanks for reviewing. Enjoy

Simbagirl: No worries, glad you're still reading

Flaming Jigsaw: haha. It's a learning curve for him apparently

Crazy-Chica6: Thanks, I'm trying with him, the show doesn't always give me a huge amount to work with. I think the scene of him and Derek in the hall after Meredith almost died in Season 3 is what inspires me most when I write the two of them and those conversations you mentioned

Right Hand Blue: Thanks very much

SeriouslyAddison: I appreciate your kind words, I hate writing papers for school all the time, so my creative muse loves to have a good time with these characters and I'm glad you are enjoying their journey in the AU universe of Addek

Stairwell Girl No 2: I don't pray either, but if you did, that'd be fine too  I make no promises as a rule. Sorry. However for me it is Addek forever.

Previously: Derek rushes back to be with Addison. She listens pretending to sleep while he talks to her and the baby

Summary: Addison struggles to decide how to interpret Derek's steady turn-around. Derek is moved by an encounter while he is out shopping and makes a decision, the two have crossed connections.

Chapter 33: Crossed Connections

Addison was reading, at least it appeared that she was. Derek knew her better than that. She was staring at the same page, her eyes were even moving, but she wasn't reading.

"Addie," he studied her.

"I want ice cream and pickles," she announced looking up suddenly.

He raised his eyebrows at her, "seriously?"

"It's your baby too Derek, I have weird cravings," she was not amused.

"I'm going," he grabbed his keys and kissed her forehead, "I'll be right back."

She went back to her 'reading.'

Derek climbed out of his car at the store and headed inside. Pickles and ice cream, women, he shook his head.

He was standing in front of the freezer pondering the flavors when he heard a little voice, "daddy I want ice cream."

Glancing to his left, he saw a little girl with pig tails appear, and she was dragging an older man with her.

The father smiled at Derek briefly and then knelt in front of his daughter.

"Sweetie, remember mommy is making your favorite for dinner," he reminded her.

"Macaroni and cheese," she had a beautiful smile.

Derek felt rude for staring, but he couldn't really help it.

"She's making a treat for you for desert too," the dad was mysterious about his word choice and it worked.

"Really!" she jumped up and down a few times in excitement.

"It's a secret though; you can't tell her you know, she wants to surprise you. Can you act surprised," he was earnest.

She nodded seriously, "yes, I promise."

"Okay, we'll get ice cream another time."

"Carry me," she reached up towards him and he easily scooped her up and kissed the top of her head.

"I love you," his words were quiet but Derek heard them anyway.

The two moved on and Derek watched them go….

Flash forward.

"Daddy!" she was six years old and a spitting image of her mother. Derek was happy about that. She was currently running outside in winter without a coat and Derek felt a flash of irritation.

"Dani!" he rushed forward to catch her before she fell on the ice.

"Hi," she was so full of life it was hard to worry around her.

"Hi baby," he hugged her close and she put her arms around his neck and beamed at him.

"I got you something," he spoiled her rotten. Addison teased him about it, but he was always quick to remind her that he wasn't the only one.

"What?" Her eyes widened.

"It's a secret, I'll tell you after dinner," he grinned at her and she pouted.

"Please daddy, pretty please," she begged.

Derek felt his heart melt, she had him wrapped around her little finger.

"No," his wife appeared in the doorway shaking her head.

"What mommy says goes," he sighed.

"Mommy," she glared at Addison before wiggling free from Derek's arms and heading up the stairs.

"Derek, see what you've started," Addison hated putting down the rules for her daughter, but Derek was rarely able to resist her and so she ended up disciplining their child.

"You're the reason she thinks I'm always Satan," Addison grumbled as she kissed her husband hello.

"I'm sorry that she loves me more," Derek headed for the kitchen.

"We're giving it to her after dinner," Addison asked.

The "It" was a dollhouse they'd had custom-designed for her. It was something Addison had as a child and knew her daughter would love.

"Yeah," he nodded opening the fridge.

"I'm making her favorite homemade pizza," she informed him, "don't spoil your dinner."

Just then there was a thump followed by a loud cry, Derek almost shoved Addison out the way as he bolted for the stairs.

The sound of tears was the worst sound these days for him as he lived in fear that something would happen to her.

She was sitting by the table holding her wrist; a lamp had fallen down and was on the floor beside her.

"What happened," Addison reached for her daughter who grasped her mother tightly.

"The lamp," she whimpered.

"Damn it Dani," Derek muttered.

"Shush," his wife shot him an evil glare.

"I'm sorry daddy," her eyes were brimming with tears and his face softened.

"I know precious, I was just so worried. I'm sorry, I'm not mad at you," and he wasn't.

"Ice cream," she looked pleadingly at Addison who nodded and headed towards the stairs.

"What were you saying about me spoiling her," Derek teased.

Addison stuck her tongue out at him and Dani giggle through her left over tears.

"You're going to be fine," Addison assured her after making sure her wrist was alright.

"I tripped on the cord," she explained to Derek as Addison set a bowl of ice cream in front of her.

"I'll tell you what," he grinned at her, "while Mommy finishes dinner, let's go get some more ice cream for later."

"Derek!" Addison narrowed her eyes.

He picked Dani up and headed for the door, "be back soon."

She was so excited she pulled him into the store and straight to the ice cream.

"What kind baby," he knelt beside her as she stared up in wonderment at all the flavors.

"That one," she pointed to the chocolate fudge and he sighed, typical.

"Okay," he opened the door to reach for it.

"I wanna," she announced and he had to laugh.

"Here we go," he lifted her in the air so she could grab the ice cream. Just after he set her down she dropped it in shock.

"It's cold!" She looked confused.

"Yeah," Derek smiled, "should I take it?"

She nodded and he picked it up, "it's okay honey, we'll let it warm up a little before we eat it okay?"

He took her hand in one of his and blew on it gently, "it'll warm up soon."

She suddenly leaned forward and planted a kiss on his nose and he returned the gesture.

"I love you daddy," and his heart had never felt fuller.

End flash forward

Derek could hear the tones of the little girl as she exited the store with her father. Realizing Addison would be wondering where he was, the ice cream came back into focus.

He realized then that he had to call her; he had to tell her he was going to reconsider things. After Seattle, the pregnancy scare and now this, things would have to be changed and altered. He still wanted his own career dreams to come true, but there was no reason adjustments couldn't be made at least for a few years.

The phone rang once and then her voice mail picked up. She was probably on the phone, he sighed shaking his head.

He left a message.

"Addie hi it's me, I'm on my way back, sorry it took me so long. I just saw this adorable little girl, she was buying ice cream with her dad," he paused his voice cracking slightly, "I'm going to talk to Donald about altering my responsibilities for the next few years so I can be around as much as possible." Derek pulled out a triple combination of ice cream and headed for the pickles, "I saw myself with our baby in a few years, she looked just like you Addie, and she wanted chocolate fudge," he laughed softly, "she was just like you and I was so lucky because she loved me despite of how screwed up I can be," it was like a flicker of hope was lit inside of him at that simple thought. He could be loved by someone no matter how badly he thought he messed up. Addison showed him that time and time again and now it was his turn to believe in something beyond his own abilities to fix things.

"I'll see you soon baby," he hung up and headed to the checkout counter.

Addison was pondering her future in the bath; it was all she did really. That night she was reading, but not really. However once Derek entered the room she felt trapped and she wanted him gone so she could continue to think without being watched.

Derek had not moved back in, but he was being incredibly attentive and always checking in on her. The past two days he had taken off of work and was waiting on her hand and foot. She felt awful for her thoughts, but she wasn't sure how to cope with concerned Derek. In all the time they'd spent not connecting recently; she'd forgotten what an obsessively overprotective Derek was like. Over the years they'd bred most of that out of their individual relationship, but she still saw it with his sisters. No matter how old they were, Derek teased them and worried about them more than ever.

What was she going to do? Should she ask him to move back in? He'd made it abundantly clear that he wasn't going anywhere; maybe it was her turn to make a gesture of good faith.

She heard the front door open and pulled herself out of the bath and pulled on her nightgown.

He appeared minutes later looking curiously at her, "read anything?"

"Hey," she smiled and then glared, "shut up."

"I found food," he sighed, "if you want to call it that."

"Thanks," she smiled and then it faded as she noted the uncertainty in his eyes.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," he waited, but she said nothing. Had she ignored his call? He felt nervous.

"Okay," she looked back down at her magazine and he hesitated.

"I think I'm going to head back," he shifted uneasily and she glanced up.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow," he backed out quickly and she frowned.

"Derek?"

He backed up until he was in the doorway again.

"Yeah?"

"You're okay, really?" She double checked, something was off.

"Yeah fine," he smiled faintly, "take care ok. Call me if…"

"I will," she promised feeling a little hurt he was so closed off.

He left and she threw the magazine down on the bed and reached for her phone. She flipped it open and frowned, it was off. The battery was dead so she plugged it in and turned it on.

The message notification came on the screen and she sighed inwardly, life had been too peaceful, now she knew why.

Her husband's voice filled her ear and by the time she was done she felt tears sliding down her cheeks.

Her emotions, before slightly out of control, were now entirely in flux, and she cursed her hormones.

She hung up and sat in the bed sniffling and debating making the call. What would she say?

Finally she decided to talk to him the next day when she saw him face to face, it would be easier then to find words to explain how she felt.


	34. Unrealistic

Hey everyone! Sorry this is a little shorter than usual. I'm just taking a brief study break, and will be a bit out of the positing habit until next week. Please do leave feedback however; it makes the hours of paper writing go by more quickly.

Stairwell Girl No2: Thanks, and while your Addek heart might hurt, hopefully it won't break

Addiekatefan: thanks, here you go

Right Hand Blue: I used Dani as short for Daniela, but that was just for the flashforward, I haven't decided on a name yet

Queen Satan: I know right!

Muse-of-the-fairies: hehe

Crazy-chica6: Oh definitely. Horray for Derek's sanity kicking in. They do need that talk, I agree.

Previously: Derek imagines his future with his family and calls Addison promising that he will talk to Donald because he wants their live together

Summary: Three weeks later Addison is happy about his change in attitude, but worries it is not permanent, Derek makes a decision that fate might not be kind to.

Chapter 34: Unrealistic

Derek wasn't sure what to expect when he walked into work. Addison wasn't there yet and he found himself nervous about facing her. Had she ignored it, did it get through, what did she think if she had heard it, did he dare bring it up?

"Yo," the voice next to him made him start.

"Mark," he rolled his head in annoyance.

"You okay," his friend studied him.

"Yeah," he nodded absently.

He felt Mark's eyes on him and sighed, "No."

"Do you want to talk," Mark offered.

He was about to propose having lunch to tell Mark the events of the last day and a half when he was interrupted.

"Derek," his wife arrived and she had a funny look on her face.

Derek shook his head and walked off with Addison. Mark watched them go wondering if everything was ok.

"Derek, I did get your message," she hesitated and smiled slightly, "it was adorable."

He grinned feeling better, "I mean it."

"I know, it was sweet, thank you," she kissed him on the cheek, "I have a patient."

"Okay," he waited.

"I love you," she vanished leaving him baffled.

That was the last mention of his voice mail. He wasn't sure if he should bring it up again. While Addison appreciated it, she had no idea what it meant. She didn't know who should make the next move. The metaphorical sports ball was suspended over some type of net; there was no telling whose court it would fall in. Each was relatively content with the peaceful state of things.

Three weeks later:

Addison was tired, she was frustrated and she wanted things to change. While the past weeks had been peaceful she didn't know where she stood with Derek. He was unfailingly attentive, his efforts often reduced her to tears and he accommodated her hormone surges as best he could. This involved everything from fits of sobbing because he brought her breakfast in bed, to hot shower sex on a whim when one morning she couldn't take it anymore. Derek was the ideal husband and yet something didn't sit well with Addison. She knew she was a slightly obsessive person, but Derek had rarely been the cause of her obsessions in the past. Now though, it was constant. His behavior indicated one thing to her, but she knew that he was barely sleeping and spending all of the time he wasn't with her in the hospital. As awful as she felt about continuing to judge him when his effort was so obvious, she still was concerned about their future.

"Addison," Mark was waving a hand in front of her.

"Mark," she smiled at him feeling bad for spacing out.

"Are you alright," her pregnancy scare had him on edge.

"Fine, just about to head home," she assured him.

"Where's Derek," Mark questioned.

"He's off, getting dinner," she responded.

"You two seem to be doing well," he observed and her silence made him raise his eyebrows way up.

"Yes we are," she finally said.

"Are you lying," he demanded.

"No, not entirely," she sighed, "just things are too good."

"I'm not sure I follow," he admitted.

"No surprise there," she teased picking up her purse.

"You're trying to distract me," he accused and she laughed at his indignation.

"Bye Mark," she headed for her car.

On the way home she reflected on the conversation. She knew that Derek was living up to her expectations now; the scare certainly had him trying. However she also realized that even if he changed thing around with Donald, he would still have a huge role to play at hospital. Addison didn't want to be a single mother, she also wasn't sure if Derek was going to be the willing hands-on dad she hoped if he felt like her expectations were riding on his performance. Grimacing at the last thought she agonized over how she and Derek had managed to get this far down the wrong path. She always hated when people said there were just many paths and no wrong ones, this could not be right. What was she supposed to do, pressure him to tell her what he was thinking, where he stood in making it work out to be with their family? No, that would seem like she was hounding him.

Derek sighed staring out the window. He knew that Addison was expecting him to make the next move. He also realized that talking to Donald would give him a better idea of where he could change his duties, and that was the next step. The car keys rested temptingly on the table and finally he picked them up scribbling a quick note to his wife explaining that he'd forgotten to grab charts at the hospital and he would be back with the food soon.

"Derek," Mark looked surprised to see him.

"Hey," Derek nodded but slowly only a little.

"Where are you off to," Mark looked curious, "Addison is on her way home."

"I forgot charts," was his only explanation and he headed up to Neurosurgery.

He knocked on Donald's door and then tried to open it, it was unlocked but he wasn't in.

Derek settled on writing a note to him:

"Donald, I apologize for throwing this on you so suddenly, but something has come up and I need to talk to you about some of the future duties being chief will require, I'm sure you'll understand with a baby coming that my attention is needed other places now more than ever. Thanks, Derek."

He sighed and left the note on the desk noting the stormy sky, more rain, perfect timing. The door closed behind him with unusual force, but his thoughts were elsewhere and he thought nothing of it.

"Is Donald in," he asked the woman who was filling in at the desk. Clearly the regular secretary was out.

"No I'm sorry he's not, he had a family thing come up, I think he's gone until Monday afternoon," she looked apologetic.

"Okay thanks," Derek smiled at her, "My name is…"

"Derek Shepard I know," she finished.

"I left him a note on his desk for when he gets back," Derek told her.

"Alright," she smiled reassuringly, "I don't know exactly when he's coming back, and I imagine he's going to be contacting you with administrative stuff if he needs it."

"Thanks," he was surprised she knew him, he felt a slight moment of pride that he had worked his way this far up.

"Have a good evening," she waved him off.

Addison sighed reading the note, she had driven home slowly lost in thought. Eventually she came to the conclusion that Derek was responsible for following up and she was sure that Donald would be working on a plan to help Derek out of his duties if that was what her husband was after. She just had to wait for him to tell her what they had come up with, there was no point in pressuring him, and if he wanted to he would come to her. Maybe balancing their lives were just unrealistic together, maybe it wouldn't work, but the next step would be his to take. Glancing up she noticed headlights turning off.

"Hi," she greeted him with a kiss.

"Did you get your stuff," she asked and he held up the charts with a smile.

"Food?" the next question.

The bag was in his other hand; she grabbed it and headed towards the kitchen.

"It's storming," he called out.

"Thanks, I know," she rolled her eyes.

The gust of wind had slammed the door of Donald's office shut, and the piece of paper had blown under the right handset of drawers in the desk, out of sight and for the moment out of mind.

Please review (200! Thanks for that).


	35. You Lied to Me

Hi everyone, intense chapter here. I'm feeling nice and also happy because the plot bunny got a lot of food today.

I hope you enjoy it. Usual disclaimer applies, please keep those feedback comments coming I appreciate knowing what you think, or maybe what I missed. Someone was kind enough to point out a plot repeat that I hadn't remembered with the note not being found in "the Wedding," honestly no idea so don't sue me. Warning: strong language.

Stairwell Girl No2: I know right, thanks for pointing out the note thing! Also Derek and Addison will help me put your heart back together

Crazy-chica6: yes it does, and the gap is exactly that big, which is going to be a major problem, as you shall soon see.

Right Hand Blue: It does yes. Thanks

Addiekatefan: Here ya go

Magic-munchies: Hi glad you're enjoying it! Thanks for leaving a review

Previously: Derek leaves a note for Donald who never gets it. Addison ponders her marriage and future.

Summary: Addison talks to Donald, her anger boils over.

Chapter 34: You Lied to Me

It was dark in their bedroom, except for the light coming out from the bathroom. Addison Shepard stared at the ceiling wondering what to say to Derek. He had been nothing but wonderful that weekend tending to her every need. She decided to offer him a carrot, raise the idea. The door opened.

"Derek," she glanced at her husband uncertainly.

"Yeah," he studied her curiously and headed towards the bed wondering what her tone was implying.

"Do you want to move back in," she was impressed with how hard he tried and that he put everything before her the last few weeks. Although it didn't feel like everything between them she wanted him to know she appreciated his change of attitude and heart.

"Really," he sounded thrilled.

"Yeah," she offered a tentative smile.

Derek could barely speak, she was offering him a huge gift and he wasn't sure what he had done to deserve it.

"I love you," and he fell silent, "let's not rush things, but yes I do want to move back in with you."

"You're here as it is anyway," she reminded him realizing that his decision to stay over probably had a lot to do with her line of thought.

"What time are you going in tomorrow," he asked.

"Eight," she replied rolling onto her side.

"Addison," he glared at her.

"It's Monday Derek," she laughed softly, "I have things to do."

"Nothing that can't wait a few hours, you need sleep," he argued.

"Drive me in," she batted her eyelashes and he huffed, "okay fine."

"Thank you," she kissed his lips quickly and then fell asleep in his arms

Monday was not Addison's favorite day of the week. However walking into the hospital hand in hand with her husband was about the best way she could imagine starting it. They would face the world together.

She survived the morning and then as she felt a wave of exhaustion sweep over her she realized she could not avoid the inevitable conversation with Donald.

The door was imposing, she knew he meant it to be that way, but honestly the man had no sensitivity to nervous pregnant women. The stark wood mocked her condition.

"Donald?" She knocked, "its Addison."

"Come in," he was standing there hanging up his coat.

"Is this a bad time," she asked him.

"No, it's fine, have a seat," he smiled at her.

"Thanks," she sat down slowly and stared at the floor.

"I'm hoping you're here to ask for time off," he finally said.

Well, there went her thunder.

She nodded wordlessly.

"How are you feeling," he looked concerned

"Great, well I'm more tired now, that's why I'm here. I shouldn't be working," she sighed softly and twisted her rings on her finger.

"Maternity leave," he nodded approvingly.

"I know I need it," she admitted.

"It's about damn time," he nodded, and then continued, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Not at all," she was curious about the look on his face.

"Are you okay with Derek's staying on as chief, I imagine it must be quite difficult to imagine him spending so much time here after the baby is born," Donald sounded somewhat embarrassed he'd even brought it up.

His question shocked her and she tilted her head, "he's changed things around, he wants to be around more," she felt slightly sick.

"He hasn't talked to me about anything," Donald looked confused and Addison sought to cover her slip.

"I mean we haven't really talked about it, he's expressed doubts about the responsibilities of fatherhood if it competes with the job, he wanted to change the transition timeframe I think," she was fumbling badly.

"I'm stepping down in six months, he'll be chief then," Donald looked apologetic, "I'm sorry Addison, but I've had some family problems come up, Nancy is sick."

And his words took all the fight out of her. He hadn't talked to Donald, he was afraid now, he wanted that job and he didn't have the balls to tell her he wasn't going to do it. He was trying to figure out a way to tell her. She felt betrayed and foolish.

Derek sighed finishing up the surgery and headed to the lounge when his phone beeped at him. The text message from Addison appeared on the screen.

"Derek," the message was angry, "don't bother checking out of the hotel, don't come home. You lied and are no longer welcome in my house."

He couldn't get home fast enough.

"Addison," he pushed open the door. She appeared eyes flashing.

"What are you doing," the venom startled him, "What the fuck are you doing."

"Coming to see you, we need to talk, what happened," he was frantic.

"Why didn't you knock," she demanded.

"It's my house Addie, we've been through this several times," he knew she was irate.

"I HATE YOU" her voice suddenly erupted

He jumped feeling his heart racing.

"Addison," he begged.

"You are a lying manipulative son of a bitch, you don't deserve me," she was right, but he was unclear what had triggered this.

"Addie what happened?" He needed to know.

"You were never going to talk to him were you? It was just a ploy to make me believe you changed," she snapped.

Derek felt a sinking in his heart, what had happened. He was afraid she was getting it all wrong.

"Addison, I went to talk to Donald," he tried to explain

"No you didn't," she snarled, "I talked to him and you did no such thing, it was a load of shit wasn't it Derek?"

"Addison," he held his hand out to her and she stepped away from him hurt evident in her eyes.

"He's retiring Derek, and you wanted the job, even if the baby will be just weeks old," she whispered.

His heart broke, he didn't know, Donald hadn't told him.

"I didn't know that," he implored.

"What?!" her voice rose incrementally.

"I didn't know," he repeated more forcefully.

"Unbelievable," she stalked towards the kitchen.

"What," he followed.

"You're lying, even now you're trying to get out of your fuck up, that's good Derek, keep lying, you can't sink much lower," she was spiraling rapidly off the charts of all that was sane.

"Addie," he stepped towards her, "you can be angry at me, but the baby, you have to calm down,"

"I hate you," she moved away again but her breathing evened out.

"Addie, there has to be some misunderstanding here," he wanted her to know he wasn't attempting to screw their marriage over.

"I should leave you, I made a mistake staying with you and giving you all those chances. You're not worth the chances I've given you," she threw at him.

Her voice was full of hatred and Derek cringed inside knowing she was right, but it hurt anyway.

"Addison please hear me out," he was pleading now tears threatening to spillover

"Don't please me, don't beg you stupid jackass," she hissed

He bit his lip swallowing his tears and watched her eyes widen.

"Oh that's noble Derek, work up some tears to guilt me again," she shook her head in mock amusement.

"No, you lost your right to be the victim, you have no right to do this anymore," she decided firmly.

His eyes did fill with tears this time, "Addie, what are you saying?"

"I want you out, you don't get to choose us, I chose for you," she squared her shoulders, "we're over."

"What," he was crying now and he managed to catch her hand clinging to her desperately.

"Mark would have treated me better," and his heart broke. She was like a different person, her anger, hurt, and betrayal had created a reckless and resentful woman. He had done that, he had created this proud and distrustful woman, it was his fault. Each word was like a knife to his chest, and her last statement was like a kick in the balls.

She watched his face as her words had the desired effect; he was finally hurting like he made her hurt for the last few months.

"Addison, I know I'm a pathetic excuse for a husband," he assured her, "but we need to figure out what happened, I wasn't avoiding Donald," he got further this time, but not far enough to get through.

"No you are a liar, and clearly I made the mistake of trusting you one too many times," she stared at him with disgust.

"Don't keep me from the baby," the bile suddenly rose in his throat at the thought.

"Oh I don't think I'll have to worry about doing that," her voice was bitter, "I'm sure you'll do that on your own just fine."

"Addie," he sank into the chair.

"I won't keep you from the baby," she relented, "I may hate you, but there is no reason this baby should also."

"Can we take some time and work this out once we've had a chance to cool off," he asked finally.

"No, get out, get the hell out. This is it Derek, you've screwed up for the last time. I don't need to give you more chances, I hope this haunts you. You destroyed us Derek, all on your own. You got no help from anyone. When our baby asks where you are at night, I can rest easy knowing I did everything I could," she crossed her arms in front of her and assumed a pose he could only relate to an ice queen.

He wanted to curl up on the floor

"Get out, just get out," she turned away, a clear sign of dismissal.

"Please Addison don't do this," he stood and moved towards her rigid form.

"You fucked up," it was a simple statement, one that he knew he would never be able to truly mend unless she could hear the true of his conversation with Donald.

"I know," he tried to pacify her.

"And that's the end of it. The end, you fucked us over Derek," the certainty she displayed was frightening.

"What if I quit now?" A last ditch effort to get her to reconsider.

"Ha," she snapped, "why should I believe you would?" She had a point considering his track record, but he was serious.

"I will," he assured her.

"No, don't pretend; don't lie to my face Derek. I can't compete with the hospital and I shouldn't have to," she glared at him.

"So we're over?" He took a step back from her wondering what else he could say.

"Yes, get out," she sighed, "leave me alone."

"You know you told me that you could only love me," he reminded her.

"Well sucks for me then doesn't it," the bitterness was back.

She walked towards him and stood eye to eye with him

"Don't make me make you leave," she glared at him straight on

"I'm not leaving you here like this, you have to calm down," his thoughts flew to his child.

"I will not calm down. My husband screwed us over, lied to me, and played it off the whole time as a non-issue. When were you going to tell me?"

"I didn't lie Addie!" He was angry now too

"When?" She demanded

"Once Donald and I actually figured something out," he retorted.

"Oh because you made so much progress in 3 weeks," she was right, he had put it off.

"I wanted to wait until I could prove it was going to work out," he rubbed his hand through his hair, "I didn't have an immediate plan."

"You told me Derek, right after you described that little girl and mother that you wanted that life. Was that a lie too?"

"No, none of it was a lie!" he needed to explain to her but she was countering all his efforts.

"Really?" She sounded so frustrated.

"Really," he promised praying they were getting somewhere.

"I don't believe you why should I?" She eyed him.

"Because I love you," he knew it was too simple, but it was true.

"Well you're about two months too late," she laughed

"I refuse to believe love can leave like that," he denied it

"Well then you're in denial," she rolled her eyes, "even if I love you, it's more because I don't know how not to."

"You're still in love with me," he whispered knowing it was true deep down in a place where things are just fact.

And his lips met hers tenderly before she could react. She almost gave in then she pulled back abruptly and slapped in across the cheek

"Don't you dare kiss and make up; it doesn't work like that in the real world Derek," she yelled.

"Oh and this is what paradise?" He snapped.

"We were," her sadness caught him off guard and he waited nervously.

"We were paradise Derek, the two of us, DerekandAddison, for so many years, and then the real world happened," she sighed, "reality happened."

"Our reality can be good," he promised.

"No, it's gone, the hope is gone," and that hurt.

"Get out of my house," she wasn't yelling but she was clearly still very upset.

"You're still too worked up, I should stay," he watched her uncertainly; "I need to stay."

"Oh now you get all husband-like, don't bother," she pushed past him into the hallway.

"Addison I will just stay downstairs…" he promised

"You're under no obligation to stay," she snapped.

"It's my child too," he pushed back.

"NO GET OUT GET OUT," she was suddenly screaming at him, her hormones never ceased to shake him up.

"Okay, but I'm calling every hour," he finally relented.

"I won't answer," she retorted.

"Don't do this Addison, this is your health," he felt a deep cold fear, surely she wouldn't risk their child's health to spite him. That wasn't who she was.

"Get out," she growled

"Fine," he opened the door and walked outside breathing in the cool air.

But he didn't leave he sat outside in his car for an hour trying to process what had just happened.

Addison was in her room and she was dizzy and sick. She couldn't believe she had just ended her marriage, she had thrown harsh words, blow after blow and yet he still maintained he hadn't tried to deceive her. She kenw Derek and she knew him well, now that she had distance she realized the look in his eye was sincere. Somehow or somewhere along the line she got her facts wrong. What had she done? She was so angry and so hurt and so out of control, once she snapped; she couldn't get herself back together even when he tried to give her the chance.

Her stomach tightened and she felt herself double over. The pain was suddenly seizing her every muscle.

"Derek" she whispered helplessly before she hit the floor by the shower.

Derek sighed, he'd be there almost an hour, and he needed to check on her, his greatest fear was that she was too worked up. He would risk her wrath.

"Addie," he called out stepping inside, no answer.

He made his way around the downstairs and then realized she was probably resting, he hoped she was.

Derek hurried up the stairs and his heart almost stopped, she wasn't in her bed, bathroom, it was the only possibility.

"Addie," he called rushing towards the partially opened door. His heart did stop this time, she was lying on the floor and there was blood.

He grabbed a blanket and carefully carried her to the car and then sped as fast as he could to the hospital.

"I need a doctor," he shouted and Mark, who was just leaving, bolted towards him.

"What happened?" he held the door to the exam room open and Derek laid his wife on the table. Doctors surrounded her pushing him aside.

Mark forced him to focus, "what happened?"

Derek could barely speak, "she um, we fought, she kicked me out. I went back an hour later and found her lying there," he felt a sob rising.

The two men sat for over an hour before Donald walked out of the room, "Derek," he looked at his friend and Derek knew.

"Oh God," he buried his face in his hands and Mark's hand grasped his arm.

"How's Addison," he whispered risking a glance at his friend.

"She's in critical condition, but the prognosis looks good," Donald finally said softly.

"Thank God," Derek whispered his emotions getting the best of him.

"Can I see her," he asked.

"She's sleeping, but you can go sit with her," Donald hesitated, "she seemed disoriented and a little upset. Derek I have to ask is everything ok?"

"No," Derek shook his head, "I don't think it is."

"She mentioned she thought she was maybe wrong about something that you were right," Donald paused, "I didn't know what she meant."

Derek felt a flicker of hope, "I'm not sure either, but thanks Donald," he sighed.

Mark stood with him and Derek glanced at his friend.

"I'll see you later," Mark sighed, and then he pulled Derek into a much needed hug, "I'm here man for both of you, whatever you need just ask."

"Thanks Mark, I'm going to go sit with her," his eyes were vacant and he looked lost. Mark wished he could do something to help, but it was beyond him.

"Okay," Mark waited until he vanished into Addie's room before he allowed himself to cry.


	36. The Inner Turmoil

I'm being nice and updating sooner than I thought because it seemed like several people weren't sure about the baby. However, I know I have more than six regular reviewers (horray), so do try and take a minute to let me know what you think if you can. New readers, thanks for letting me know what you think after reading it all in one go.

Okay let's see, so this is a slight shift from recent chapters of moving the plot along and having Addie and Derek interact. I wanted to give Derek some time so that people would understand what he's going to be dealing with for the next few chapters even if Addison won't. Usual disclaimer applies.

Stairwell Girl No2: Sorry it was so depressing, I can't say it's going to get a whole lot better in the near future. Addek angst waits.

Right Hand Blue: Ummmm…awkward pause.

Addiekatefan: Thanks, physically Addison is fine, although she is still in the hospital

Crazy-chica6: I couldn't leave you in suspense, but in some ways I'm not sure if this is going to help. Things are going to change between them now because individually they're going through very different experiences and thus the dynamics change as a result. I think you'll get what I mean after reading this.

IvyLady: Thanks for that really insightful review! I know what you mean by too many people in their marriage. I think for them right now it's going to be good to have the baby out of the picture, obviously I hated having to do it, but the baby served the purpose of bringing Derek back to her, and now they have to face their issues. Unfortunately it won't be that straight-forward

Queen Satan: (see response to Right Hand Blue….) and enjoy

Previously: Addison finds out Donald and Derek didn't talk, but Donald didn't see the note. She assumes Derek betrayed her and doesn't believe him when he says otherwise. She tells Derek they're over but collapses soon after.

Summary: Derek's internal emotions take over and guilt seeds itself, he tries to hide it and be strong. Mark is concerned.

Chapter 36: The Inner Turmoil

Derek studied his beautiful wife; to him she was always stunning. However today she looked small and fragile. Things between them had reached the breaking point, he knew that. The more devastating part was that it was at a time when they needed each other most. Derek wouldn't lie if he was asked about wanting the baby. He did, but sometimes he had mixed feelings, especially while he was adjusting to the idea of fatherhood and balancing his life responsibilities.

Addison though, she had always wanted it, despite him and despite their shaky marriage. She was willing to let him go and raise it on her own; she'd always wanted a baby. Although he was nervous and unsure, the idea of being a dad had finally hit home. Derek imagined their baby, their young child frequently now. The baby would have Addison's beautiful eyes and hair, and angelic features. Actually he wanted the child to resemble her in every way possible.

He leaned his head back against the uncomfortable hospital chair. He had no idea really if she wanted him there. Derek believed in his marriage, even at the worst of times. In all the time they had been married, things had never gotten as bad or exploded like they had today. She lost the baby because he hadn't been able to take a stand and show her she was first. Derek promised himself that would change if she was willing to give him a second chance.

The baby, his throat closed up and he felt his heart start thumping, his baby was dead. He was never going to get to meet their bundle of joy. Instead of having six more months of preparing and planning, all their dreams for a family had died in a matter of minutes. Finding her on the floor had scared him, but seeing the blood and knowing that the baby died hadn't really sunk in until now. Addison had dealt with many miscarriages over the years in her field. Many times she had come home crying, her eyes red and he knew just looking at her what happened. Certainly when babies were born that might die she felt that too, but to watch a woman's happiness be ripped away from her before it could begin, that really got her. He would hold her and she would cry her heart out, she felt those deaths so deeply.

Addison was a dedicated doctor, but she was a caring person beyond all that. Perhaps that was why she was so good, she had the caring of a good doctor, but she was a professional. This had happened to her; this time she was the one who would have to put her life back together. He knew she would feel this death to the core of her very being, beyond her physical self. It would destroy a piece of her soul. Derek didn't know how to heal this sort of pain, he was a brain surgeon, but he had no way of knowing how to reach her, as well as he knew her, he was still at a loss. The reality that he had seen their child die, he had watched it die, he felt sick, her wellbeing was primary at that moment, it was too late for the baby and he had known that. Now though he could remember, remember what it was like to see that. Images of red flashed behind his closed eye lids and his eyes snapped open desperately trying to stop the memories that were still so fresh.

His chest tightened and he stood shakily from the chair almost stumbling into the hallway. She was in a private room, something Derek requested and it was quieter here. He slumped down against the wall feeling the world crush him into the floor.

Mark was checking on Addison's vitals at the nurses' station when he saw his friend emerge from her room and slump against the wall sliding down in exhaustion.

"Derek," he hurried towards him.

"Mark," he croaked not looking up.

Mark sat next to him and rested his hand on Derek's arm.

"I'm here," he said finally, "what's wrong, is she ok?"

"She hasn't woken up yet," Derek whispered finally.

Mark sat quietly, Derek was not someone who really liked to talk all that much. If he needed to talk to anyone it was either him or Addison, but often he was somewhat private. Mark understood but he worried about his friend sometimes, Derek could be a mystery.

"What's wrong," Mark knew it was more and he needed to know.

"We had a huge fight, she doubted my word," Derek hesitated, "and I gave her no reason to believe me otherwise."

Mark said nothing, he just waited, Derek seemed to be struggling for words and then he whispered, "She told me it was over."

"What," Mark couldn't believe that.

Over the next few minutes Derek haltingly recounted the horrors of the day.

"So you left a note," Mark clarified.

"Donald just got back today," Derek sighed, "I don't know why he didn't mention I'd been there to see him when he saw her."

"You should figure that out," Mark sighed, "because you're going to need to explain that to her and you need to be right about it."

Derek nodded, "I just don't have the energy right now, I'm going to have to tell her and I think she's going to be a bit more broken up about the baby than the fact we broke up."

Mark felt his stomach turn, "listen man, you can't, I mean you shouldn't think like that."

"I don't know," it was true he had no idea, "she might not be able to forgive the hell I've put her through. I did this to her, to us, to the baby."

"No you didn't," Mark felt a cold sense of dread. For Derek, once an idea rooted and became fact, an absolute certainty, it was hard to shake. If he believed he was responsible for the loss of their baby, he knew that Derek could be pulled down by such a belief. Mark knew only bits and pieces about Derek's relationship with his father. He knew that the man had loved his family, but also that it wasn't easy as he had struggled with a significant amount of depression. Derek too in his early college years struggled with it, but Mark wasn't sure if he'd ever told Addison much about it. By the time she came along, he was on much better ground. Despite things going well for him, Mark could tell when Derek was a little down some days and although Addison never directly asked him about it, he assumed she knew and that the two of them had talked about it. He wasn't sure now; Derek could have hidden it from her, provided it remained under control.

"Derek," he hesitated, "does she know about your past struggles with depression?"

His best friend glared at him, "don't even go there Mark, she's lying in that hospital bed, our baby is dead and you want to bring that up?"

"I'm worried," Mark was frank.

"Don't be," Derek stood feeling his body protest.

"I have to go find Donald," he walked away without looking back.

Mark sighed leaning against the wall knowing that Derek's internal angst was something that Addison might very well never find out about. Everyone had their secrets and Derek was no exception.

"Donald," Derek knocked.

"Derek, come in, is she alright?" Donald looked worried.

"She's still sleeping," Derek sighed "I have a question."

"What is it," Donald studied his friend.

"Did you get the note I left you," Derek tilted his head.

"No, what note," Donald looked surprised.

"I left you a note on your desk about making some changes," Derek groaned realizing how badly he'd screwed up.

"No Derek, I'm sorry I didn't, why do you," Donald stopped abruptly, "Addison freaked out didn't she, and you…oh Derek I'm sorry."

"I know," Derek nodded.

Donald began looking through his papers and then pushed back his chair and began looking around the desk, "is this it?"

He handed the note to Derek who just nodded.

"Damn it, Derek I'll go apologize to Addison," he offered.

"It's okay Donald, I'm not sure she'll even care," Derek admitted.

"Derek, is everything okay with you two," Donald looked concerned.

"No, I don't know, we're pretty off the beaten path, we're in new territory, and I don't know what's going to happen now that the baby is gone," Derek hesitated, "she'll need me, I need her, but she's so angry, and this isn't going to help."

"Derek you didn't do anything wrong," Donald was saying the same thing Mark did.

Derek resented it, he resented that everyone was suddenly cutting him slack.

"Damn it Donald, just because the baby died doesn't mean I get off the hook, I fucked up, I didn't do things right and because of that she lost the baby," he fought his tears and tried to stay in control.

"Derek you had nothing to do with that," Donald counseled.

"Oh bull shit," Derek snapped, "if she hadn't doubted me and gotten so angry she wouldn't be downstairs in that hospital bed right now, she would be at home yelling at me because I didn't get the right flavor ice cream," he cut himself off before he completely broke down.

"Derek," Donald sighed looking weary, "you didn't…"

Just then Derek's pager went off.

"It's Mark, I have to go," he headed downstairs and met his friend in the hall.

"What's up," he looked nervous.

"Addison's going to be waking up soon, and Derek she's going to need to hear it from you," Mark sighed.

"I know," he steadied himself; there was no way he would ever really be ready to have this conversation. He was going to go into that room and tell his beautiful spirited and independent wife news that would break her. Few people, despite his pathetic abilities recently, understood Addison like Derek did. He knew her every fear, her every emotion and although she was incredibly strong this was something beyond what she could handle.

"Mark," he hated to say it, but he had to.

"What," his friend looked concerned.

"I don't know if she's going to survive this," Derek whispered.

"What do you mean," Mark shifted uneasily.

"I don't know if she's going to make it through this," he looked down.

"Derek this is Addison we're talking about," Mark reminded him.

"I know," Derek met his eyes, "you don't know her like I do, there are some things that even she can't handle."

"You have to have faith," Mark urged.

"Faith is one thing," Derek fought his tears, "reality is another."

"What?" Mark tilted his head.

Her words haunted him, _"We were paradise Derek, the two of us, DerekandAddison, for so many years, and then the real world happened. Reality happened."_

"Reality happened," he whispered and Mark looked officially confused.

"What do you mean," he urged his friend hoping Derek would open up to him again.

"She said we were paradise for so many years, then we ended up in the real world, where we weren't DerekandAddison" Derek couldn't hold back his tears, "reality happened, that's what she said."

Mark could do nothing except hold his friend as Derek broke down for the second time that day.

"Easy," he whispered hoping Derek would pull it together.

"Dr. Shepard," he heard the nurse's voice and Derek turned to face her.

"Your wife is waking up," she looked at him sympathetically and Derek wiped his face.

"I'll be right here," Mark promised him and Derek slowly walked over to her door and reached for the handle knowing that in the next minutes things would change forever.


	37. Utter Desolation

Ohhh when my academic life is going to hell in a hand-basket, my plot bunny is thrilled. Seven reviews in one day! You guys are all amazing. Thanks. And in return the happy bunny provides more angst for you all. Usual disclaimer applies.

Right Hand Blue: For the love that is Addek, here you go

Stairwell Girl No2: Unfortunately I did. I'm sorry I made your bad day at work worse. Divorce, no me thinks not so much. Don't fret that much.

SeriouslyAddison: Life? Ha, I understand completely. I've missed your reviews, but hope things are okay and are ironing out. No the light is flickering, have faith though.

Abbeyannmd: Thanks, here you go

Greys4evr: Captivated? Wow, that's a great compliment, thank you very much. We'll iron a few things out in coming chapters; this is more a continuation of the last scene.

Queen Satan: I'm sad too believe me. Once I realized what I was going to do, I rethought it out and ultimately realized I needed to for plot reasons, however, it was not easy.

Crazy-chica6: At a loss for words? Really? (Just kidding). I like the way you put it though, the baby isn't an excuse anymore, very true. They also do need each other; however I think that while they both know that, they're dealing with two very challenging things…1) the terrible state of a marriage and their fight, and 2) the loss of the baby, unfortunately number one is going to cause problems with coming together to help each other heal in light of number two.

This lightens my day people to hear the feedback, thanks so much. Enjoy.

Chapter 37: Utter Desolation

He stood watching her stir, his brain was barely functioning. He had no idea what to say. Her eyelids flickered as she struggled to wake up, and Derek sent a final prayer to whatever power was of a higher nature.

Addison hurt all over, she felt achy, tired and fragmented. The first thing she noticed with clarity was her husband's eyes. She remembered their fight, and felt a brief flash of anger before noticing where she was, and where she was currently resting; a hospital bed.

"Derek," her voice was hoarse as she tried to piece the events of the last few hours together.

"Baby," and then she noticed the rest of his face, there was such sadness, such grief and such desolation it left her breathless.

Despite their distance over the past months, she could still read him, and what she saw scared her. He looked like he'd walked through hell, and it would take her weeks before she'd understand exactly what he went through.

"What happened," she questioned finally when he said nothing.

He seemed to be searching for the right words, his mouth opened and closed a few times and he swallowed back his tears.

"Derek," she questioned when he refused to meet her gaze. She couldn't read him entirely; she could tell he was waging some internal war.

"I don't know," he whispered finally.

"What," she was confused.

"How," he hesitated, "how to say it."

"Just tell me what happened," and then she knew, "Derek," her tone changed.

He spun around seeing her eyes widen.

"Addie baby," he came and sat down next to her, and as she sought and found the truth in his eyes she began to feel dizzy.

"Derek, please please," she whimpered shaking her head frantically.

"Addison," he grasped her hand watching as she crumpled, he grasped frantically for what to say. Nothing could really prepare him for this.

"My baby, where is she" she began to sob, her other hand flew first to her stomach and then to cover her face.

"Derek," her beautiful eyes were filled with such grief.

"She's gone Addison," he knew that while neither one had known the sex for sure that it was a hunch they both had the baby was a girl. He went with it.

She started to pull away and he tightened his grip on her hand.

"Baby," she ignored his plea.

"Addison," he tried again, and this time she responded reaching for her. Momentarily startled, he quickly wrapped her in his arms praying he'd find the right words to say.

"She's gone," Addison sobbed.

"The baby is gone," Derek confirmed knowing she would not want him to sugarcoat it.

"My baby, my baby," she cried deep gut wrenching sobs, "no no no, Derek this can't be, she was so alive, so alive, I knew her, I knew the baby, I carried her, oh god, I lost her," Addison was almost hyperventilating. Her fists were pounding against his back and her anguish vibrated around him.

"You did not," Derek whispered, "You did not."

"If I hadn't," she choked, "hadn't gotten so upset at you."

"Addison, I wasn't there for you, I didn't make it any easier, neither of us are to blame, but if you're to blame yourself, you have to blame me too," he felt as awful as she did.

She said nothing and Derek knew his first instinct was right, their marriage, or lack thereof would come second for her as she reeled from her loss.

"I want my baby," she whined desperately, "give her back to me Derek, please, please give her back to me."

"Addison, I can't, I can't make her come back, but she's in a beautiful place now," he promised.

"You aren't even religious," she managed to point out.

"I am now," he murmured rubbing her back and hoping she'd stop shaking.

"Honey you need to take a deep breath," he urged.

"Can't, she's gone Derek, what did I do wrong, oh god, she must have been so scared," the doctor in her knew that she was being illogical; the soon-to-be mother didn't care. All she could think about was that she failed to protect her child.

"I failed her Derek, I was suppose to carry her, and keep her safe, until she could survive on her own, I let her down," her voice choked up and she wanted more than anything to erase the last few hours.

"Addison, it just wasn't meant to be right now," he whispered back, "that doesn't mean we won't have a family someday."  
He knew that any other day she would have yelled at him, accused him of not wanting children, of patronizing her, but she was too broken, too hysterical and too lost to yell now.

"Addie, if you can't calm down, I'm going to need to get you a sedative," he hated telling her that.

"Derek," she pulled back.

"Yeah," he stroked her tear stained face.

"I wanted her," she whispered, "even if you didn't, I did."

His heart broke at her words and he felt his own tears fall, "I did Addison, even on the days I thought I'd fail her, or screw up, I wanted our baby, she was perfect Addie, she was so perfect," and Addison believed him. He saw her eyes well up again and she started to cry softly.

"She was mine, she was going to be so perfect," she nodded in agreement, "she was ours Derek, why did she leave us?"

"Addison, I'm so sorry," he wanted to make it better.

"What did I do wrong," she closed her eyes wishing it was all a nightmare and she heard him say something but she didn't hear the actual words.

He knew she hadn't heard his firm denial of her guilt, "these things do happen Addison, as much as it hurts when they do, that doesn't mean someone is to blame, least of all you."

"She's not really gone is she Derek, she can't be, she was so alive inside me," her hands were resting on her stomach and their small frantic circles were tearing at his very being.

He placed his hands on hers slowing them, "she's not in there Addison," he waited, "she's not there anymore."

"I want her back inside me, I miss her," she choked back a sob.

"I miss her too," he did, he missed the fact she was going to exist and be his, he missed the glow she gave to his wife even in her most tired and frustrated moments. He would have done anything to have Addison pregnant and angry at him again if his child was going to be born.

"I loved her so much," her eyes were drying and becoming more vacant, Derek was suddenly afraid he was watching her slip away.

"Come here," he shifted on the bed so he was next to her and he pulled her close.

"I want to wake up from this Derek, I want our old reality back," she pleaded weakly.

He felt his heart twist, he would have given anything to change it, "I would do anything if it meant we could have her back," he whispered.

"Really," she needed to hear it again.

"Anything," he whispered, "hell or high water I'd do it."

"Give up your job," she was tired, but she had to ask.

"I'd be the best stay at home dad there ever was," he affirmed.

Addison fell quiet after that although Derek knew she was probably in shock and not sleeping.

Addison felt his arms around her but they were the only grounding in reality she had. The rest of her was floating in a surreal universe, one that was perfect, and one where she and her baby were playing on the front porch waiting for Derek to come home. That was what she'd been dreaming about, she knew now that she would have dealt with Derek's long work hours as long as she had her family. Her ideal reality had been so shattered that any fears she had about Derek not being there for her 100 seemed foolish. She was so obsessed with having the perfect life that she'd neglected the true blessing she was given. How could she have been so stupid, it was gone now, her purpose was gone. It hurt thinking about what had happened, what she was going to have to face tomorrow and the day after that. She knew in the back of her mind that she and Derek had fought, that she may have told him to leave, to get out, that they were over. Her heart ached, her life without Derek and her baby would be worth nothing, and she yearned to tell him that. But he was here now, he was next to her and holding her. Somehow he didn't care that she had destroyed him, assumed the worst, he was still by her side. With that in mind, and imaging happier times she closed her eyes.

Slowly her body slackened against his. Derek allowed himself to relax as well, he slowly released the tension and the walls he had up to give himself strength began to crack as his whole self crashed down. He couldn't let her down, not now; he would have to pull it together. He had been such a terrible self-centered husband when she needed him for so long, and now she truly needed his strength, Derek wasn't someone who would let the woman he loved down for a second time. It was simply not going to happen.

He knew that she was closing down, she was going to blame herself, but Derek wished she would blame him, she had done nothing wrong.

Mark appeared in the doorway about twenty minutes later and his eyes were downcast as he took in the couple on the bed.

"How is she," he whispered and Derek just shook his head. Mark had never seen such hopelessness is his friends' eyes.

He was about to leave when he heard Derek's voice, "don't go."

Mark turned quickly, "what?"

"I said don't go," Derek was suddenly afraid to be alone with her.

Mark nodded and made his way towards the bed, he noted how Addison was clinging to Derek and how his friend, despite the terribly sadness, was offering her as much physical support as possible. His eyes had dark circles underneath and it looked as though he'd aged ten years in one day. Hell, that was the best word Mark could think of to describe their emotional state; they had to be in emotional hell. He wanted to comfort them, but he didn't know what he could do.

"Derek," he spoke softly, and his friend met his eyes.

"What can I do," he questioned.

Derek just shook his head slightly, his face showed no expression, and then closed his eyes.

Mark sat down in the chair without saying a word, he didn't need to know; all he needed to do was be there


	38. Nothing Left

Hi all, thanks for the reviews. Sorry about the lack of updates, I'm going crazy with work!

Muse-of-the-fairies: I know, I'm sorry, I'll apologize for the bunny. University, well considering my last two weeks I rather despise it right now.

Crazy-chica6: Both I agree with. And your final comment, very astute.  
IvyLady: Thanks as always for your wonderful and insightful reviews. Reviving takes lots of time

IvyLady: (36): I wanted to keep Derek's POV or story for after Addison's miscarriage. It's like he's an onion and so on. She's now wrapped up in her own world, shutting him out some and he's struggling with things she's not really even aware of.

Flamingjigsaw: yes it is

Addiekatefan: I know! I'm sorry about the sadness factor sometimes, it gets intense. Thanks though, I try and do my best with situations I've luckily never had to confront. Enjoy

Stairwell Girl No2: How awful!!! No I don't think it is. It's too much cyber space out here. She has my prayers though. As far as blaming the baby, yeah that's an aspect I'll probably address in a few chapters. First things first.

Seriouslyaddison: You're welcome! I know Shonda did deprive of us of some good plotlines certainly.

Previously: Addison was devastated by the loss of her baby. Derek struggled with his own emotions

Summary: A goodbye service brings friends together; Derek overhears something he was afraid of.

Chapter 38: Nothing Left

She was going home that day. Home to a quiet house that felt like a member of the family had left it, although that light had never actually lit up the place with laughter and childish shrieks.

Derek was hesitant to bring her home so soon, mostly because he was afraid that she wouldn't be able to handle being in a place where there was still the atmosphere of an arrival in every corner, but especially the nursery.

"Do you want me to come with you," Mark was concerned about his friend's lack of happiness that Addison was coming home.

"No," Derek shook his head, "we have to go through it together."

"Dude, are you sure that's a good idea, to be alone in that house, both of you together," Mark seemed uncertain.

"That's a vote of confidence," Derek felt bad about his sharp tone, but he was tired.

"Okay," Mark grinned and slapped him the back, "sorry I'll back off."

Derek stood outside her room, his thoughts were swirling. The last weeks she'd been so distant, so removed, he hadn't broken through her reserve.

"Addie," He waited for her to look at him. She didn't.

"Are you ready?" She stood and picked up her coat, she didn't speak and she didn't look at him.

The nurse was waiting outside with the wheelchair and although he felt bad making her sit in it, the withering look she gave it was encouraging.

"Mrs. Shepherd," the nurse spoke shaking Addison from her internal thoughts, they were at the door.

"Thank you," she whispered standing up and reaching for Derek's arm. So much had changed since she'd last faced the world.

Derek was surprised to feel her hand resting in the bend in his arm; he placed his left hand over hers as they walked to the car.

She slid in numbly and he steadied himself before climbing behind the wheel.

The drive home was absolutely silent, Derek wasn't sure what to say and Addison wasn't sure if she had the energy to speak.

Once inside the house Addison headed straight upstairs without a world and Derek found her minutes later already in bed.

"Are you feeling ok," he asked her and all he got was a nod.

At a loss for how to reach her Derek found himself opposite the door of the nursery and against his better judgment he walked inside.

The room of broken dreams, he would later refer to it as such, taunted him. The curtains, Addison's choices of paint colors, the soft carpeting he had been finding time to put down. The crib, not fully assembled after their afternoon romp just weeks ago. There were already a few books, boxes of clothes, a dresser, and the rocking chair. Derek imagined Addison rocking their baby in the chair, singing to it. She had a wonderful voice, and he wondered if he'd ever hear her sing again, on a literal or metaphorical level.

He slowly walked over and sat down in it. His own image of his role had grown so recently, like a flower that is hesitant to open its blossom and then suddenly blooms. Derek wanted to hold their baby, have someone truly need him. Although Addison wanted him, sometimes he felt so disconnected, like now. Where were they? She hadn't mentioned their falling out last week at all. Derek knew it wasn't healthy, but she had not protested at his intention to come back with her. Was he moving in still? He doubted it. However at this time in their lives, he wanted to be here.

He found her still awake in bed.

"Addison," he hesitated and she glanced up at him.

"Yeah," she said it softly, but still it was a response.

Heartened he asked, "Should I be moving back in?"

It was the moment of truth and one Addison wanted to avoid, but she had no choice.

"What happened?"

"I left him a note, he was gone for a family emergency," Derek gathered his energy, "the note blew under the desk from the wind…it was storming that night" and her nod he went on, "I didn't know about his retirement, he hadn't told me yet, and I'm sorry I hadn't talked to him sooner, I thought I could propose something to him, but I realized that I wasn't going to have any real ideas until I figured out what his feelings on the topic were."

Addison wasn't terribly happy with him, but she knew he wasn't lying and she didn't want him living at a hotel. There was a tiny little bit of her that admitted maybe she wanted him with her as well. She shook her head, they needed to at least try, be there for each other because that's what they signed up for when they said their vows.

"Go get your stuff," she finally said.

Derek nodded and vanished without a word. Nothing was really solved.

Three days later, Derek went back to work. He felt bad the first day, leaving Addison in the house alone, but the truth was his efforts to connect, to talk, were not going well.

He'd suggested a small service the previous evening, a small gathering and Addison had reluctantly agreed. Derek wanted to help her gain closure, but Addison didn't seem interested.

Addison stood staring at her reflection in the mirror. Friends and family were arriving; just close ones who knew about the baby. Naomi was there and Pete had come as well. Derek's sisters were there, his mother, Mark, Donald and his wife, and a few of their other friends from work, Savy and Weiss. Other than that, she'd told Derek, she didn't want anyone else. Derek understood her and left it alone.

She was pale and tired and clearly losing weight, but she couldn't talk to anyone, it was not real to her yet, her baby was gone. Her hands went to her stomach and she failed to notice the presence in her doorway.

"Addison," it was Pete and she turned from the mirror startled.

"Pete," she said softly, her eyes were vacant and he was surprised how out of it she really was.

"Hi," he gave her a gentle hug.

Derek paused on the stairs hearing voices.

"How are you," Pete was there and he sounded concerned.

"It's hard, she was a part of me," Addison finally said.

Derek frowned feeling slightly annoyed.

"Derek seems pretty out of it," Pete's comment was torture for him, he hated having her troubled.

"Is he," so she hadn't noticed. Despite Derek's desire to take care of her, it still hurt she didn't see his pain.

"It was his baby also," Pete pointed out.

"He never wanted it, he's probably glad, he should suffer, I don't think he has the right to feel as badly as I do. I failed her." and Derek felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. Was that why she wasn't talking to him?

"Addison!" Pete couldn't keep his shock hidden.

"Please," she sighed, "not now."

"He needs you, you need him," Pete pushed.

"I have to go," and Derek rushed downstairs before she caught him listening.

He pushed his way into the kitchen ignoring Mark's look of concern.

"Derek?" Mark wasn't one to let things slide.

"Mark," he was going to be sick.

"What's wrong," Mark was by his side with a look of panic.

"She blames me, Addison blames me," he would not freak out in front of her, but it was Mark.

"She does not," Mark scolded.

"Derek," her voice broke his frantic thoughts.

"Addie," his voice was strained.

"People are," she sighed, "gathering."

He followed her into the living room and Mark took the stand at his pleading look.

"Well," he shifted uneasily, "I'm not quite sure how to begin. I wish we were here under joyous circumstances, Addison and Derek should be celebrating and not grieving," Addison choked back a sob and unwillingly clutched Derek's arm. He remained rigid unable to let go of his own recently experienced blow.

"I think though we're here to celebrate what might have been, to offer support and to pay our respects," he hesitated, "the baby would have been a little Derek or Addison," and this time it was Derek who unwillingly squeezed Addison's hand. What he wouldn't give to take back the last two weeks.

"It seems like we should just all take a moment to cherish all that we love in life," Mark was going on a whim now, "we learn from tragedies like this that each moment is precious and we can't take anyone standing next to us for granted," his eyes rested in his best friends who were standing side by side, but who were miles apart.

"We don't know what the next moment or day will bring, so I'd like to take a moment to pray for a life that never got to live, and give thanks for what we hold most dear," he bowed his head, his own mistakes and choices flashing through his mind.

Addison heard Mark, but her own thoughts were so fragmented it was pointless. What did she hold dear now? What did she have? Derek for his part was uncertain as well, things were so different now, so changed.

"Addison," Savy was next to her as people began quietly talking.

"Yeah," she focused on her friend.

"You need to talk to someone," her friend urged. Naomi joined them nodding in agreement.

"No, I'm fine," she shook her head.

Naomi glared at her, "don't lie Addison."

"I'll be fine," she amended.

"Please think about it," Savy was so worried about her.

Addison didn't respond.

"Derek," Pete was standing in the hallway awkwardly watching Derek take a shot.

"She talked to you," he was clearly upset.

"Not really, but you heard," he thought Derek looked funny and figured out what had happened.

"She does love you Derek, she's just…" he trailed off.

"Lost," Derek finished, "I'm going out."

"Let me drive," Pete picked up his keys, "you shouldn't."

Addison rounded the corner in time to see Pete usher Derek out the door and despite her own conflicted emotions she felt a flicker of concern.


	39. Losing Control

Reviews make me happy!! More angst (sorry everyone). Also usual disclaimer applies.

Muse-of-the-fairies: I'm sorry, I know it's not a happy story right now, it may take a while, but we'll get it back on track eventually. Writing creatively without care of structure etc keeps me sane.

Right Hand Blue: Here you go, thanks for the review

Crazy-chica6: Addison is going to go through a range of emotions, and I think, although she is going to the be the main focus of the next two chapters, her relationship with Derek in light of his own turmoil is going to be a focus for me over the next, four or five chapters.

IvyLady: Yup, pretty much. Observations are spot on. Thanks for the review

Addiekatefan: I know right! I hope he will too

SeriouslyAddison: I'd like to shake her too, don't bet on healing immediately though, I wouldn't want you to lose money

Lilacmermaid33: Wow, thanks! It's kind of you to say. I appreciate you mentioning the Derek aspect. Writing depressed Derek isn't always easy, but I wanted this angle because early on he looked like a career obsessed jack-ass and while he was, it didn't give him enough depth, so now that Addison is wrapped up in her turmoil, I wanted to give Derek his own angle and turn the tables a little on their marriage and who is in reality responsible for the continued problems. Not that either of them is "worse" than the other one, but they have individual problems and Derek's certainly needed developing at this point.

Enjoy

Previously: A memorial service brings friends together, but Derek learns Addison blames him for the events of the past months

Summary: Pete and Mark bond over Derek's situation, Naomi and Mark attempt to get through to Addison.

Chapter 39: Losing Control

Pete eyed the man sitting next to him. Derek was a mystery to Pete; he'd really never met the man. The only time he'd seen him aside from today was when Derek found Pete answering his front door. That wasn't the best impression Derek could have made, but Pete forgave him knowing that Derek and Addison were not on the best of terms. Somehow though, after hearing what Addison thought of Derek, he felt a deep sympathy for him. There was no way that Derek felt anything except utter desolation, perhaps the internal conflict he'd struggled with now made it worse. The guilt he was probably feeling was immense, and overhearing his wife's comments certainly hadn't helped.

Derek threw back another shot staring into space, Pete watched him carefully trying to determine what to do.

"Do me a favor," Derek suddenly broke the silence.

"Anything," Pete meant it.

"I don't want to go back home," Derek sighed, "can you call Mark and get directions to his house and take me there instead?"

"Sure," Pete hesitated, "I'll need the number."

Derek held out his phone and Pete entered Mark's number in his phone.

"When do you want to leave," Pete asked.

"After I've forgotten about the last two weeks," the response was short and bitter.

Pete waited for over an hour until Derek was clearly wasted and in danger of being unable to stand properly.

"Time to go," Pete announced and Derek didn't argue.

Mark answered his phone not recognizing the number.

"Mark, it's Pete, Addison's friend from LA," Pete said feeling slightly awkward.

"Oh yeah, what's up," Mark paused, "and how did you get my number?"

"Derek," Pete said finally.

"You're with Derek," Mark sounded shocked.

"Yeah, we need directions to your place," Pete said finally.

"Derek knows how to…oh," Mark trailed off, "Sure no problem."

Twenty minutes later Mark met them at the front door.

"I just got back from the gathering, I wondered where he went," Mark came over to the passenger side and stared at his friend.

"Oh man," he whispered.

"Yeah, it's bad," Pete didn't need to explain.

"He overheard something Addie said," Mark sighed.

"It was bad Mark," Pete reiterated.

"What she said?" Mark raised his eyebrows, "she was talking to you?"

"Yeah, it just came out, she blames him, she really does," Pete shook his head.

"Really and he heard it, there's no way to spin it?" Mark hated her suddenly. In truth his loyalty was to Derek, he'd never been in a position to truly take sides, but when Addison hurt Derek she hurt Mark. Mark didn't appreciate being hurt.

"No," Pete sighed under his breath, "she really laid into him, said he deserved to suffer because this is what he wanted all along."

"No," Mark shook his head in disbelief.

"I'm sorry," Pete hesitated, "he made me promise not to take him home."

Mark was fuming, silently he helped Pete get Derek onto the couch.

"I hate to ask you this, but could you stay with him while I do something," Mark growled.

Pete nodded quickly, "what are you going to do?"

"I have to take care of something," Mark grabbed his keys.

As he drove he pondered what he was going to say to her. He knew the past two weeks were hell on them both, but Addison was taking too much of her anger out on Derek, and this was one step further than she was allowed to go. It was one thing to blame and ignore him, and quite another to tell a friend such a thing where she could be overheard. This was the Addison that Derek had described during their fight, a bitter and resentful woman.

"Addison," he shouted entering the house.

Naomi walked into the hall, "Mark, you just left?"

"Mark," Addison appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Get down here," he growled and Naomi stepped forward to defend her if needed.

"What?" Addison stopped in front of him.

"If you ever hurt him again like that I swear you're going to pay for it," Mark evenly met her gaze, "you are not allowed to do this to him, blame anyone but him for what happened, you know that you're as much to blame as he is, if you need to find someone to get mad at, get mad at yourself," he took a breath, "I love you both Addison, I swear I do, but I gave him ass-kickings for you when you needed it and I have to do it for him now. You didn't need to idealize him and you didn't need to blow up at him that day, you know he wasn't in the wrong. Stop punishing him."

She glared back, "you don't get to tell me how to feel about him, you don't get to judge me Mark," she shook her head at him, "Derek needs to grieve I get that, but he didn't want this baby and he has to live with that."

"Do you really believe that, he didn't want it, that's what you think?" Mark wanted to slap her.

"He didn't," she whispered.

"It's not good enough Addie, you know him," he sighed, and "you know that he loved you and the baby no matter what."

"He had a funny way of showing it!" She snapped back.

"Addison he tried, he tried to make it right, wrestle with what he knows best to give you what you needed, you judged him, put him down, passive aggressively cornered him and now you're pushing him away again, if you want your marriage to work out…" Mark hesitated, "he needs you."

"He should have realized that a month ago," she headed up the stairs, "don't bother being the messenger Mark, he'll come back eventually."

"You need him too," Mark called back but she had vanished.

He sighed and Naomi echoed it.

"I know that was harsh," he finally said.

"It's okay, she's getting out of control, she needs to see someone," Naomi hesitated, "they both do."

"I'm worried about Derek," Mark said finally.

"Is he okay," Naomi questioned.

"No, passed out drunk," Mark admitted.

"Really?" Naomi was shocked.

"Completely, Pete's with him," at that Naomi smiled softly remembering their first encounter. Things could change.

"Pete needs to meet me at the airport, we leave in two hours," she said finally.

"I'll head out so he'll make it in time," Mark hesitated, "see if you can convince her to fix herself, get help, if she doesn't, there will be no Derek for her to choose to go back to."

Naomi's eyes grew sad, "is it that bad?"

"Derek's not always who you think," Mark didn't elaborate, "but if anything can destroy him, or anyone, it's her and she won't know it until it's too late to go back."

Pete was waiting in the living room when Mark got back.

"He's pretty bad off, I got him some water," he stood.

"Thanks, I've got it from here, you need to go to the airport," Mark nodded.

"I've never seen someone so lost," Pete sighed, "not even Addison."

"Yeah, she has that effect on him," Mark paused, "she's so independent you know generally so even if she is lost she can find her way back and she loves him so much, but Derek, well he's always needed her to make him feel good about himself. When they met she gave him a purpose, but I don't think she gets that. Derek used to be the perfect guy for her, but that's changed now and I'm afraid for what that could do to him."

"Can they go back," Pete voiced his concern.

"I don't know," Mark hated to think about that, "they're so wrapped up in guilt, blame, fear, and they've lost who they were. I don't know if they'll find it again."

"You're going to look after him right, both of them," Pete asked.

"Yeah," Mark sighed, "I will."

"Did you yell at her," Pete questioned and Mark shifted uneasily.

"You can ask Naomi, I did give a harsh version to her about what she's going to do to her marriage if she keeps this up."

"Take care, keep me posted okay, if I can do anything I will be happy to jump on a plane," Pete offered and Mark found himself grateful for that.

"I will, thanks," he hesitated, "you need a cab to the airport yes?"

"It's outside," Pete grinned, "I was about to call you to tell you when you pulled up."

"Nice to meet you," Mark shook his hand and saw him out.

Then he sat down to keep the vigil.

"Addison," Naomi knocked on the door.

"Come in," Addison's face was red and streaked with tears.

"Oh honey," Naomi sat down next to her.

"I can't help blaming him, he seemed so unsure and now this lets him go ahead with all of his plans like before, the baby was the only thing that was keeping us together, the only way we stood a chance," she whispered softly.

"Then it wasn't a marriage worth saving," Naomi hated bluntness, but she had to say it.

"You sound like Mark," Addison glared at her.

"Darling, I love you, but he's right," Naomi shook her head, "you can't expect Derek to be everything all at once. He isn't perfect, he's human and his baby died too, no matter how angry you are and how much you blame him, you have to know he's in pain too. This sort of anger at a time like this can ruin any semblance of a marriage you have left."

"I won't apologize to him," she argued, "I have nothing to apologize for."

"Neither does he," Naomi sighed at her friend's gaping expression.

"If you're talking about the loss of the baby, he has nothing to apologize for either, no more than you," Naomi continued, "the marriage though is different. You both have a hand in destroying that, and you both need to face up to it."

"What did I do," Addison glared at her, "he was the one who was doing things without me."

"You never talked to him honey, you kept giving him chances, and letting yourself get hurt, you didn't make it clear what you wanted."

"I did," she protested.

Naomi sighed, "you told him what you wanted, you didn't tell him exactly why. It was not, I love you and I miss you, be here with me. You were so damn afraid of losing your independence that you made him feel almost as though you didn't need him like he hoped you did. You also allowed him to waver because it seemed like you still supported his dreams at your own expense," she waited before she finished, "and then you let him get confused, unsure of what to do because you were waiting for him to make more choices, you didn't participate in those choices, you gave him time and tried to let him figure it out, but mixed messages and Derek are not a good combo Addie, you know that."

"I know," she whispered, "but I still blame him for this, for the mess that we are, he could have chosen me, right away."

"But he didn't because you never directly asked him to, you told him what you wanted, but you didn't let him know you wanted him, there's a difference. He needed to be needed, I know you don't always need that, but he does," Naomi contemplated, "maybe you did tell him that you needed him once or twice, but you are also responsible for this lack of communication Addie, I know more than he does about your sentiments I guarantee you."

Her friend was right and Addison sighed, "Where is he?"

"I imagine he's with Mark," Naomi hesitated.

"Okay," she picked up the phone and dialed her husband.

"I have to go, Addie you need help, get help," Naomi hugged her and left her in peace.

His voice mail picked up and Addison found herself at a loss for words, she hesitated.

"Derek honey," she swallowed tears, "god I don't know what to say really, I hope you're okay. Call me back."

It was pathetic but she couldn't apologize, not even if she was wrong in blaming him, she felt it too deeply, and there was too much resentment now in her heart against the man she had once loved unconditionally.

Mark glared at his friend's caller ID, Addison. He didn't wake Derek.

Just then his phone rang and he ignored that as well, he didn't want to talk to her, he wanted peace.

She waited, but Mark's voice mail also picked up, concerned she left another message.

"Mark, it's Addison, I can't get through to Derek. I hope you're both okay. I can't forgive him Mark, but the only time," and her voice cracked, "the only time I'm grounded and strong is when he's with me, and I think he might still be my only hope of surviving this," she was crying now in earnest, "I just hate him, I hate what he's done to us and I know it's not just him, but this whole thing from beginning to end has destroyed us and I tried, I really did. It didn't work, I couldn't fix it without him and he was never there and so I do resent him, I'm sorry he heard what I said, but I can't take it back because I do mean it right now, I do. I know you're mad at me, and I guess I'm being unfair, but I can't lose him," she hesitated feeling such confusion, "I can't forgive him either though, I don't know what to do. Please tell me he's okay."

She hung up and curled up on her bed, her phone buzzed a few minutes later with a text:

"He's ok. Figure this out Addison soon." It was crypt, un-Mark like and if she really truly had thought about it, she would have understood that he meant business, but she was alone in her own world of loss and confusion. Her husband's pain, his depth of emotional turmoil escaped her, as did the reality that her presence in Derek's life meant everything to him.

Mark sighed putting his phone down; he would tell Derek what she said when he woke up. Derek would be overwhelmed by her need for him, and that would drive him back to his wife against his own ability to cope with her resentment. If there was even a chance she might need him, he would be there no matter what shit she threw at him. The depth of Addison's sentiments towards Derek worried Mark, Derek was somewhat self-destructive and he would most likely allow her resentment to tear him down because he believed now that he deserved it all. He didn't know how much Derek could take without having Addison on his side, much less against him.

Little purple button thanks you.


	40. Learning to Talk

Hi all! Sorry about delays again, this time it is traveling and some left over work. Enjoy! Usual disclaimer applies. I should also say I'm not a professional therapist, nor anything remotely close. The only experience I have is the occasional visit to the school counselor's office during finals time when life is stressful, so this is just my take and probably does not remotely reflect what an "actual" session would look like in this situation. cheers

Muse-of-the-fairies: Thanks. I know Derek is having a hard time.

Stairwell Girl No 2: I will try slowly

Crazy-chica6: Thanks, I didn't like Mark's behavior on the show much, but his friendship with Derek was something that when shown was interesting. I wanted to make it a big focus in this story.

SeriouslyAddison: Glad you liked it.

Right Hand Blue: Mean yes, but also confused and in lots of pain. Clearly a lot needs to be said.

IvyLady: I know right, go figure. He does watch over Derek because Derek is someone who hates that and doesn't realize when he's basically going off the deep end. I hated her too, as I was writing it I almost wondered if I was being too "mean," but I think that that was necessary overall because I needed to create a new dynamic between them where Derek is not the only one screwing up the marriage.

Addiekatefan: Thanks. I like writing other characters and I felt like these three had roles to play in initiating some sort of healing process

Queen Satan: They are now both to blame certainly. Update and sorry for the delay.

Previously: Addison blames Derek and Naomi, Pete and Mark work overtime to try and help Derek deal with the fallout of Addison's words

Summary: Kylie helps Addison realize a few things, and Addison goes to talk to Derek

Chapter 40: Learning to Talk

"He's not coming home," her heart clenched slightly.

"Derek needs time Addie, and so do you, I'm urging him to stay here," Mark was firm, "and I want you to go see a friend of mine."  
"Mark," her tone was warning.

"No, not that kind of friend, a shrink," he hesitated, "please."

She reluctantly agreed to that and that was why she was seated in waiting room.

"Addison," a younger woman appeared in the doorway, she was dressed in a light blue sweater and a pair of jeans, her hair was pulled back in an elegant clip and she looked relaxed and friendly.

"Come in," she ushered her in, "can I make you a cup of tea?"

Addison hesitated uncertainly, "sure, thanks."

"I'm Kylie by the way," she held out her hand and Addison shook it.

"So you know Mark," there was a twinkle in her eye before she turned to make tea.

"Yes," Addison grinned feeling a sudden flash of feeling run through her, amusement. It felt good.

"He's a good friend," Kylie sighed, "for all his human like qualities."

"I would say male qualities," Addison contributed wondering if this was indicative of their actual session.

"Have a seat," the young woman had no pad and Addison frowned.

"What," Kylie studied her.

"Aren't you supposed to take notes," Addison asked finally.

"Do you see a couch you're supposed to lie on?" Kylie grinned at her, "I do things a little differently, I still trust my brain to remember the important things. I find it's more relaxing and easy-going for someone to chat without the pad."

"Okay," so far so good.

"So Addison, why are you here," it was a direct question that Addison wasn't prepared for.

"I'm um, well I'm here for my husband," not an entire lie.

"He wants you to come?" Kylie asked gently.

"I don't know if he does, actually I think I'm here to try and show him that I want our marriage to be like it was, Mark told me I needed to" she whispered.

"So your marriage is in trouble," Kylie reasoned.

"I don't know," she felt frustrated, "I mean yes it was, but now…"

"Now," Kylie prodded.

"I had a miscarriage," and saying that hurt, the tears started.

Kylie handed her a tissue and sat quietly.

"We're not really speaking, before this happened things weren't so great," she let out a shaky laugh, "now they're unimaginably bad."

"What do you want right now," Kylie asked and Addison looked confused.

"Let's say I was a wish granter, one with a few limits, I can't use force, and I can't bring back the dead," Kylie handed Addison another tissue, "what would you want most?"

Addison's first thought was her baby, but then she realized that wasn't an option.

"I want my husband to be mine again, I want us to be the way we were," Addison whispered.

"Do you want to go back or forward," Kylie needed clarification.

"I want things to be like they were, but I want us to move forward from this," Addison dabbed her eyes noting the lack of mascara; she had been too tired to put it on.

"Are you talking to him now," a dreaded question.

"No," and then more specifically, "I blamed him, for the um, death of our baby, his lack of attention and I just hate that he wasn't there for us, I mean he had to think about what he really wanted, and he had to," Addison hesitated, "I don't know."

Kylie sighed inwardly, it was clear that Addison struggling with a range of emotions from anger, to pain, to confusion, to fear and Kylie realized it was time to get a few things straight.

"Addison do you love your husband, what's his name by the way," she questioned.

"Derek and yes I do," there was no hesitation from her lips and Kylie deduced that it wasn't that loving the man was an issue, it was finding her way back to him.

"How was your marriage before the baby," she questioned.

Addison chewed on her lip as she pondered the question. In reality she hadn't really thought about that time period much, especially after she found out she was pregnant. 

"Not terribly good," she finally admitted, "we were successful, happy, but removed from each other, we didn't talk much."

"Anymore," Kylie supplied.

"Yes," she nodded, "we used to be best friends, but somewhere along the lines that changed, and I'm not sure when or why."

"So you'd like to go back to that, where you and Derek can talk, but about what has already happened," Kylie watched Addison carefully.

"I don't want this to break us up, but we were already drifting apart, so it can't just be the baby," Addison finally realized.

"What do you want to say to him," Kylie asked and then backtracked, "about yourself."

"What do you mean," Addison didn't want for an answer as she plowed ahead, "I want to make him see that he was wrong not to put us first, that we would have been happy with the baby if he hadn't danced around…" but she was cut off there.

"No Addison, that's not what I said," Kylie made a mental note of the anger in her client's voice as she continued, "What do you need Derek to know about you?"

"About me," there was silence.

"Not about the baby, or your marriage, or his role in where you are today, just you," Kylie paused waiting for Addison to process the question.

"I don't know," and there it was. Addison didn't know what Derek needed to know about her.

"Addison, in order to make amends with Derek, and survive the loss of your child together, to see the survival of your marriage, you need to figure out how to talk to him again, and you need to figure out what you need him to know about you," Kylie smiled at her, "that's what you need to think about."

"I don't know really," Addison felt silly.

"That's okay, let's start somewhere, perhaps when you first felt yourselves being pulled apart," Kylie suggested.

"I felt it months earlier, he was never home, and I felt abandoned. He would make love to me, but he wouldn't really be around otherwise and then one day I realized that we were basically two strangers who shared a house, but not a life. We'd get a drink maybe once a week after work if we were both on the same shift, but we wouldn't talk, I don't know him," Addison wanted to cry as she spoke.

"How do you learn a lover all over again," she directed her question to Kylie who was surprised at the frankness but relieved as well.

"You pick a question, or make a statement about yourself and begin," she urged.

Addison nodded, "so I ask him about himself?"

"That or you could start by telling him something about you, be open to him, don't be afraid, the gap has to be bridged Addison, but it takes a huge leap, a big one that can span the gap and show him that you're prepared to do anything," Kylie reminded her.

"Maybe I could ask him how he felt when he found out I was pregnant," Addison was dying to know for sure.

"No, the baby doesn't come into this yet," Kylie shook her head, "just you two Addison, before the baby, we'll get there. The gap is bigger than that."

"Does he still love me," her greatest fear.

"Would you want him to ask you that," Kylie questioned and Addison shook her head.

"Why," Kylie pressed.

"I'd feel betrayed and angry that he'd question it so blatantly," she whispered.

"That question can come later," Kylie agreed.

Addison paused considering their marriage, the lost the gap everything.

"Does he miss me," she finally said.

Kylie nodded, "yes."

"What about you," she asked Addison then, "what would you want him to know about you?"

"That I'm sorry I hurt him?" Addison was truly sorry, but she was angry as well.

"You may be sorry that was the end result, but you're not sorry for saying what hurt him are you?" Somehow Kylie doubted it.

"No," Addison hung her head.

"Only say something that is completely true in every way," Kylie reminded her.

"I want to dance with him the way we used to dance together," she suddenly blurted out.

Kylie pondered that statement for a minute, not knowing much about either she was unclear what impact it might have, but Addison sounded genuine, there was no uncertainty there. It was also not a statement about Derek, true love, endless trust or anything that could be quarreled with, it was simple and true.

"Okay," Kylie smiled at Addison, "that sounds like a truism."

Addison took a breath, "so I just tell him that, or ask him about missing me?"

"You need to take the first step when you're ready," Kylie affirmed, "but first, Addison we need to talk about the baby."

Even though she wanted to vent and blame Derek for the miscarriage, Addison didn't actually really want to talk about the baby. She knew Kylie wouldn't let her blame Derek, so it was going to be the latter aspect, questions about her.

"When you found out that you were pregnant, what were you feeling?" Kylie waited.

"Elation, fear," Addison remembered holding the pregnancy stick.

"Why fear," Kylie questioned already having an idea.

"Derek, he and I were already so far apart, I was afraid of what it would mean," she whispered.

"And did you tell him," she asked.

"No, not right away," Addison said finally, "I was vacationing in LA to get away, and I found out there, I waited until I was home and settled in that evening before I confirmed it."

"Was he happy," Kylie asked.

"He said he was, I know he was uncertain about it because of his job," bitterness rose in her voice and Kylie took a mental note.

"Okay," Kylie thought of how to divert the conversation away from their marriage, now it was the baby.

"Addison, was Derek attentive towards you after he knew," right away she realized that no matter how attentive he tried to be, Addison wouldn't see it like that.

"He couldn't choose between his job and us," she snapped bitterly and resentfully.

"I didn't ask what happened, I asked about his behavior Addison," Kylie pushed her.

"He stopped ignoring me," she finally acquiesced.

"Did you ever worry it was because of the baby and not you," Kylie wondered how Addison saw that.

"Yes," Addison admitted.

"Did you resent the baby for making you question his devotion to you," Kylie questioned.

"No," Addison was horrified at the suggestion, but Kylie's calm demeanor made her pause in confusion.

"Addison I'm trying to get at two things here," Kylie decided to help.

"One is that perhaps the existence of the baby created even more expectations for Derek and even though his behavior towards you changed, it was no longer enough. The second is that while you hoped the baby would bring you together, it didn't, at least not by bridging that distance in the way you hoped, you might be angry about that as well, neither the baby or Derek lived up to what you wanted" Kylie waited.

"I wanted all of him back," she nodded realizing Kylie was right, "but he didn't give up his job as new chief," she added.

"Well Addison, before the baby did you want him to give it up, say no, or did you just want him to notice you again," Kylie hoped she would understand.

"With the baby, I wanted more, I wanted him to come all the way back to us," she whispered.

"So he was paying more attention," Kylie clarified.

"Yes," Addison whispered.

"But it wasn't enough anymore," and she finished her point watching Addison's face.

"Yes," she felt ashamed thinking of how she pushed and pushed her husband.

"I think Derek is confused Addison, maybe he tried to change and suddenly it wasn't enough, he may have felt his own sense of guilt for not being able to easily give you what you needed, but compromise is key Addison. If he was giving halfway," Kylie didn't want to be overly harsh, "he's probably still confused about how much he had to give."

Addison realized that Kylie was going to wrap it up, "I blamed him," another issue for another day.

"Are you sorry to an extent," Kylie asked.

"Yes because I hurt him while he was already hurting," Addison nodded.

"Then tell him that, and tell him that you're working things out, I'll see you next week," Kylie questioned and was met with a nod.

Addison squared her shoulders; it was time to find Derek.

Mark opened his door at the knock to see Addison standing there.

"Where is he," she looked calmer than last time and Mark hesitated.

"He's sleeping Addison, let him be please," she realized that the tone was pleading and struggled wondering how to phrase her next sentence.

"I'm trying Mark, please," she begged.

"He's not in good shape Addison, come back later," he urged.

"Five minutes," she proposed and he stepped back against his better judgment.

She hadn't seen him in a week and she had to fight her gasp, the man she loved was barely there. He was a wreck, simply put. His hair was not brushed, his eyes were bloodshot and he was already drunk at two in the afternoon.

Mark felt her shock and placed a hand on her shoulder as if saying 'I told you, go easy please.'

Addison inched towards him, "Derek?"

"What," he whirled towards her and his eyes focused on Mark, "Why did you let her in! I told you NOT to," he was angry and clearly devastated.

"Please, five minutes Derek," she was frantic.

"No, I need time to figure this out, alone," he glared at her, "you're of no help to me."

Each word cut her deeply and she struggled to remember what she came to say.

"Derek," she sat down at the table opposite him and met his eyes evenly, "five minutes and I'm gone."

"Alright," he looked down.

"First," it was time to go for a statement, not a question, "I want to dance with you like we used to dance together." He looked up startled at that. She took a breath and continued, "second, I'm sorry that I hurt you Derek, I am so sorry, it wasn't fair to you, but I just can't think clearly and in my head that day, I had no control over how to deal with the flood of confusion and pain, I'm trying though," she smiled weakly, "I've started seeing someone to help Derek, Kylie is wonderful."

Mark smiled at that from the doorway, he wanted to leave them but he found that he couldn't quite make it out of the room, he needed to hear her. He would have pieces to pick up if her five minutes went south.

Addison wondered what was next; she had apologized for hurting him, made her statement, what was left for now? Those were two things she knew certain and that she didn't need to worry about taking back. Then she remembered Kylie's almost first question.

"I never stopped loving you, and I want us to move forward Derek, and back towards each other," she fought her tears, "I need you in my life Derek."

She couldn't cry in front of him so she stood and walked quickly around the table to stand next to him out of his immediate sight. As the tears fell she combed his hair back and planted a kiss gently on his head before dashing to the front door.

Mark didn't see her out, he remained watching his friend.

"I think I need to move back home now," was all Derek said after a long silence.

"Are you sure about that," Mark was still worried about him.

"She needs me," and that was the only response Mark got.


	41. Living with Scars

Hi all, just back from Easter in Denmark. Thanks for the reviews. Please keep up the thoughtful and helpful feedback. Usual disclaimer applies.

Right Hand Blue: Slowly but surely they will be

Muse-of-the-fairies: of course she needs him, stubborn thing that she is

Xyliette: Fun fight, interesting, not going to promise, but thanks for the thought

IvyLady: Punishing him is not exactly what she wants to do, but at the same time she is human and her anger and resentment seems exactly like a punishment. I like Kylie as well, but I think your sentiments on her and Mark, well they are right at least for now. Again, interesting thought though. Couples therapy, again no promises, I've considered in recently though.

Crazy-chica6: Isn't she cool? I actually liked her more than I thought. She is slated to just have this one guest appearance, but now I'm not so sure. People really seem to like her.

Addiekatefan: I feel terrible for Derek too. I feel almost mean writing him so miserable

Stairwell Girl No 2: Well yes, there is moving back, but it is up to you to decide how much that really means given the circumstances.

Previously: Kylie helps Addison come to terms with some issues. Derek falls deeper into depression. Addison begs for him to come home.

Summary: Derek moves home for her, at least physically, Kylie pushes Addison after hearing her concerns about her husband's health. Some wounds are sealed, others are deepended.

Chapter 41: Living with Scars

Derek arrived on the stoop of his house at nine that night. He had sobered up and ignored Mark's concerns about moving back with Addison. To be fair, he had barely been listening while Mark had ranted on and on about him ignoring his own feelings. Although he was far from centered, the fact that she needed him and was trying was enough to convince him that maybe they had a chance.

"Hi," she opened the door before he could decide if he should knock or not. She was dressed in casual clothes and if he'd looked carefully he would have seen the concern in her eyes.

She took in his appearance that had improved considerably since she'd seen him that afternoon. The shower and cup of coffee along with a nap had taken his disheveled look away and he looked just exhausted.

"Hi," he said finally his downcast eyes meeting hers briefly.

"Welcome home," she stepped aside letting him enter and he did.

Derek couldn't figure out what to expect, he wasn't really sure he cared. All he knew was that she had asked him to come home and he'd responded. It was not in him to deny such a direct request from her. That didn't mean he was going to be the man he was before his life had been torn apart by the death of his child and his wife's pain.

She didn't say anything for a moment watching him uncertainly as he stood lost in the hallway, "are you hungry," she wasn't sure why she asked that.

"No," he didn't look at her, "I'm going to bed."

Each step felt like a marathon.

Addison watched his departing back and heaved a sigh, she knew that it wasn't going to be fixed overnight, but it was still incredibly painful to see him so distanced and know that she had a hand in it, no matter how angry and frustrated she was. She glanced at the couch considering for a moment if she should sleep on it, but that seemed silly. She'd asked Derek to move back in.

After brushing her teeth she stood in the bathroom doorway and watched him sleep. Something was different, maybe Mark had been right. She'd waited too long, she was fearful he was somewhere she couldn't go.

"Derek," she climbed into the bed waiting for a response.

"Yeah Addie," the tired monotone came almost as a sigh. He really didn't want to talk.

"Thank you for moving back," she finally said.

"Good night," was the simple response and his breathing evened out moments later.

Addison tried to sleep but found she couldn't clam her racing brain from frantic thoughts. What would happen now? She was back with Derek, he had moved in and she should be thrilled, but it was almost as if a stranger had moved in.

One week later:

Addison studied Derek as he sat at the table. There was a coffee in front of him, she'd come downstairs surprised to find him already dressed as if he was ready to face the day. However she'd quickly figured out that this was a ploy to ease people's concern. Mark had dropped in the other day to check on him and Derek was clearly annoyed that evening.

She'd asked him about it, but he'd ignored her questioning only saying that he was feeling better and would be going to work.

"Good morning," she said finally wondering when they would be able to talk.

He glanced up at her briefly letting his eyes meet hers for the first time in days.

"Hi," he took a sip of the coffee.

"Are you ready to go, I can drop you at the hospital, I have to run errands," she hesitated.

"Okay," he stood, "let me get my coat."

She took his mug to the counter and a slight smell caught her attention, a sip confirmed a distinct presence of alcohol. Alarmed she glanced at the coffee pot, he'd only had one cup.

"Derek," she turned to him nervously.

"Addie," he sounded frustrated.

"Derek did you have alcohol in this!" She couldn't help her tone of voice.

"I had a shot in the coffee," he sighed, "let's go, I'm fine."

She knew that, Derek wasn't a heavy drinker, but he could hold it just fine. It was the time of day that worried her.

"Derek," she tried again.

"Leave it Addie," he headed out the door and she followed wondering what on earth to do.

Later that afternoon:

Kylie studied Addison, it was clear that something was bugging her.

"Addison?" she prompted and the redhead snapped out of it.

"Sorry," she apologized.

"Don't be, what's wrong," gentle concern.

"Derek, he moved back in last week. I went to see him after our session," Addison swallowed, "he was looking awful at Mark's, I told him I was sorry I hurt him, that I was trying, that I wanted to dance together again, and that I needed him in my life" she blinked back tears, "he came back to me, but he's not really there. Something is wrong."

Kylie waited.

"He's drinking, a lot, and he's so distant. He's never been like this," and Addison realized suddenly what Mark was saying.

Even in their most troubled distant moments as a couple Derek had been emotionally stable, but now he wasn't even really there.

"Have you tried talking to him," Kylie asked.

"Yes, but he brushes me off, I think that's because he knows we're not where we used to be," she sighed.

"Addison, let's talk about your anger towards him," Kylie realized that although she wanted to put that off another week that in all reality, there was no way she was going to be able to help Addison reach Derek before it was too late if she put it off any longer.

"I'm angry at his role in all this," Addison snapped feeling guilty.

"What did he do, you're a neonatal surgeon," Kylie reminded her, "what did he do to cause your blood pressure to rise?"

Addison swallowed, "he um," she blushed, "he provoked me."

"What happened," Kylie urged.

"He didn't talk to Donald," Addison abridged but Kylie noticed that Addison didn't meet her eyes.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me that Addison," she quietly demanded, but Addison couldn't.

"What really happened, the whole truth," Kylie wasn't afraid of pushing her.

Addison reluctantly spilled the story, the whole of it, what had really happened, their fight, and how she hadn't let him explain.

"How is that Derek's fault, aside from a track record, with a bar you set so high for him that in your eyes no matter what he was bound to fail?" Kylie knew that she had been kinder to other people in this position but Addison needed the bigger picture. Only then could she see Derek wasn't to blame.

"It's my fault," Addison murmured.

"No Addison, you knew this pregnancy was difficult in the beginning," Kylie had the medical history.

"I did," Addison affirmed.

"That was not your fault and certainly the stress didn't need to cause problems, it just did, but Derek didn't cause that stress anymore than you did," she said softly and all she got was a nod.

"I need to help him," Addison whispered.

"You can only help by him letting him off the hook, by admitting that he was not to blame," Kylie sighed, "he'll never be yours until you release this from his shoulders. Can you do that?"

"I don't know," Addison admitted, "I just feel abandoned."

"That's valid," Kylie assured her, "you both made mistakes, but those can be fixed."

"I want him to care about me again," Addison whispered.

"Do you think he stopped, truly?" Kylie wanted to be sure.

Addison shook her head finally, "we've just lost sight of each other," she admitted.

"So," Kylie waited.

"I need to accept it, we both do," Addison whispered.

"How did you feel the day you lost the baby," Kylie again pushed.

"Empty, and lost, and alone, but" Addison remembered how she'd held onto Derek during Mark's brief remarks.

"But," Kylie prompted.

"I need him, I can't face this alone," Addison felt tears trickling down her cheeks.

"He needs you as well," Kylie handed her a tissue.

"So what now," Addison felt a deeper sense of peace.

"You need to start over with him," Kylie smiled, "this time ask the question."

Addison nodded, "okay."

"Are you ready to forgive him if he can forgive you," Kylie asked.

"Yes, but I need him to meet me somewhere in the middle," Addison felt bad saying it, but she meant it.

"What do you need from him," Kylie waited.

"I need him," it was simple.

"You have to help him get back, he is going to need you to be there for him, I imagine his drinking is related too much deeper insecurities and asking him to be there for you isn't going to make him come back," Kylie warned.

"I know," and she did.

"Addison, I'd like you to come back to talk if you need to, obviously you two have a lot to talk about, but remember that if you hold expectations too high for him, he will fail as he is only human. Also, you both are free of blame for a difficult pregnancy has no guarantees. He had a bad track record, and you overreacted at the wrong time. Those are mistakes you can and will fix together," Kylie smiled, "you're going to be fine."

Addison stood, "thanks Kylie, I imagine I'll see you again."

"I'll look forward to it, best of luck Addison," Kylie gave her a gentle hug and saw her out.

At the hospital:

"If you don't go home and stay there I'm telling Donald," Mark glared at Derek.

"Fuck off Mark," Derek was tired of his hovering best friend.

"You look like hell and you are a million miles away, you need help too. Addison is trying now; you have to meet her halfway."

"I don't owe her anything right now, she can't help me with this," Derek snapped.

"How the hell do you know that?" Mark was in disbelief.

"You heard her," Derek argued.

"I also was standing there when she said she was trying," Mark paused, "she wants to dance with you Derek again, together, I don't know what exactly that's code for, but clearly it's got several levels, she's offered you a branch."

Derek scoffed at the image.

"You never let her in dude, I thought you told her about the shit you've dealt with, but clearly you haven't," Mark sighed.

"It's not a big deal anymore," Derek knew that wasn't going to work with Mark.

"Oh for the love of God," Mark shouted.

"Is everything okay in here," Donald appeared and after looking at Derek sighed out-loud, "Go home Shepherd."

"But," Derek protested as Mark shot him a triumphant look.

"You look awful and you've got no surgeries, go home," Donald ordered and Derek left without a backward glance.

He sat down at the table with the scotch, Addison was still out and he'd taken a cab home. After four or five glasses the numbness kicked in and he headed for the sofa grateful for the dreamless sleep that was about to follow.

Addison entered the house about an hour later and headed into the living room hearing the light snoring. She stared at Derek and then headed for the kitchen staring at the open bottle of scotch, she wasn't sure how much he'd had, but it was clearly enough to knock him out. She headed back to the living room and knelt in front of him.

"I'm so sorry Derek," she was filled with a deep fear at the sight of her husband, Derek wasn't Derek.

She stood up and suddenly found herself off-balance tripping against the coffee table behind her, the noise woke him and they just stared at each other. His bloodshot and slightly blurred focus still caught sight of the tears on her face and the panic in her eyes.

"Addie," he finally croaked feeling slightly stupid, but honestly he didn't really care that he looked like crap.

"Derek," she whispered back her voice trembling.

He moved on the couch to create more space and held out his hand. Surprised she took it and lay down next to him.

"I shouldn't have blamed you," she finally said, "I over-reacted to the conversation with Donald, and the pregnancy was already on edge anyway, it wasn't meant to be."

"Don't blame yourself," it was the first time he'd really spoken to her other than pleasantries in over three weeks.

"I miss you, I felt so alone in the months before, and I was so used to burying it that I needed to push you away. I'm sorry, I was afraid you'd leave me alone and I didn't want to deal with that," she whispered.

"Okay," he let her talk holding her close.

"I let myself expect the impossible of you; it's not your fault. I want us back Derek, I want you back, I want us to face this together," she was almost begging.

Derek forced himself out of his dazed state enough to give her a squeeze, "I'm here Addie," and he was, for the most part.

"Promise?" she needed him to promise.

"Yes," and she stayed silent.

"You can't leave me alone Derek, you can't let this destroy us, please don't," she wasn't sure what to say. As a doctor she knew something was wrong, even as his wife, but how she should approach it was unclear. Years earlier she would have yelled, emptied out all bottles, banned all substances and tied him to a chair holding his hand as he went through withdrawal. They were however, a far cry from those days. Letting him know he was needed seemed like the best way to start, but unfortunately he didn't understand it as such.

Instead Derek put himself second to help her; his pain would have to be hidden, more carefully managed.

"Do you miss me," the question took him off guard and he found himself struggling to reply. It wasn't that the answer was hard, but his entire self was so numb and oblivious that feeling anything at all was hard.

"Yes," he finally said knowing it was true even if at the time he didn't really care about anything.

She heard the hesitation but was right in part to attribute it to the alcohol.

He knew somehow that he needed to take the next step, "I miss you, I miss us," and again it was true, even if it wasn't currently a feeling he could muster up.

"Really?" the hope in her voice almost stirred something in him.

"Yes," he nodded slightly and she relaxed in his arms.

"Can we start over, can we heal together," she was asking for them to work their way back.

"I want to dance together again too Addie," he knew the right words to say even if there was no feeling behind them.

Addison woke up hours later and Derek wasn't there. A note on the table said simply: "I didn't want to wake you. Am out with Mark, back later. D"

She was tempted to call Mark, but decided against it and headed to bed.

At the bar:

"So you've moved back," Mark eyed him. His friend was clearly distressed.

"Yeah," Derek took his shot and signaled for another. Mark was unable to catch the bartender's eye to shake his head at him.

"And you're working on healing together," Mark clarified finally and Derek nodded.

"What a load of bull," Mark snorted. His frustration with the situation now had so many levels he wasn't sure where to start.

"What the fuck was I supposed to say," Derek retorted before taking the shot with a practiced snap of his wrist.

"You said the right thing, problem is that you don't mean it," Mark observed.

"I did, just I can't," Derek didn't elaborate for a minute.

Mark waited for him to continue.

"I know she's trying," Derek managed to say, "it's just I don't even know where to start on my end, so I said what she needed to hear."

"You lied," Mark accused.

"I offered what I hope will happen, that's not a lie, I just don't know," Derek admitted.

"You're burying your own feelings to help her and work on the marriage, but you're not willing to take a risk and open up to her about the past are you, you don't trust her do you?" Mark knew he was being a pain in the neck, but Derek was not easy to talk to when he was like this.

"Shut up, I do trust her, she's my wife" Derek knew it was weak and so did Mark.

"That's just a title Derek, it has to have meaning," Mark pointed out trying to keep his know-it all tone submerged.

"We've been together eleven years," Derek sighed.

"For what exactly, sex, love, companionship," Mark questioned.

"Sometimes I don't know, but other times I realize I can't live without her, this marriage needs to be first," Derek sighed knowing how badly he'd screwed up in the past year or so.

"I think you might find people come before a relationship as individuals," Mark sighed.

"I can't fix this without her, I need her," true enough Mark thought to himself.

"You really think this technique is going to work?" Mark sounded skeptical.

"I'll be fine," and there was another lie from his friend.

"She doesn't know you're out drinking right now does she?" Mark scoffed watching him order another shot.

"She asked me to give it up, I can't yet, I don't want to feel any of this," Derek admitted.

"So you're hiding with me drinking and then I'm supposed to lie to her?" Mark was annoyed but trying to be sympathetic.

"Basically," Derek didn't sound apologetic.

"How long do you think I'm going to let you do this to her, to yourself, to the marriage," Mark asked.

"As long as it takes," Derek responded taking the shot.

"For what, and why?" Mark challenged.

"Because you're my friend, friends don't judge and friends don't abandon each other," Derek was right but Mark saw it differently.

"Friends also don't allow friends to destroy themselves and their lives," Mark snapped.

Derek said nothing but as he went to raise his hand for another drink, Mark grabbed his arm and pulled him off the stool.

"You're kidding me right," Derek glared at him.

"I'll make you a deal for now," Mark said softly, "you can drink with me if you really need to, I'll cover for you with Addison, say I need your advice, or we're renewing a friendship whatever, blowing off steam, if you pull it together when you're at work and with her…and more importantly, if you stop when I say it's time, deal?"

Derek realized that was the best he was going to get and allowed Mark to walk him to the car.

"I hate you sometimes," he muttered getting into the car, Mark snickered to himself.

"I know, believe me it's mutual," he sighed closing his door.

"Mark," Derek seemed to be struggling to focus his thoughts.

Mark paused in starting up the car and watched his friend, "yeah Derek?"

"I'm sorry I can't seem to keep it together, everything is so dark," more honesty than Mark had ever heard from his friend about the hell that was always threatening to swallow him up.

"You can see someone," Mark finally suggested.

"Like Addie," Derek muttered.

"There's nothing to be ashamed about in asking for some help Derek, maybe you need it as well, she was willing to go, she doesn't want to lose you, that's why she went," Mark reminded him.

"She went because you asked her to," Derek argued tiredly.

"I told her she had no choice if she wanted to get past this and make it work with you," Mark rephrased it.

"You threatened her," Derek clarified.

"I told her what I saw," Mark shrugged, "I was honest, and she decided to go on her own, for you, for your life together," he was proud of her for that.

"I'm not the therapy kind of guy," Derek scoffed slightly at the idea of him on a couch.

Mark said nothing at first, "I know someone," he said finally.

"No," Derek shook his head, "not yet."

"When Derek?" Mark was nervous.

Derek stared out the window at the darkening street. He was tired, tired of fighting, of talking, of trying to explain him, he just wanted to curl up with Addison and not be worried about what the next day would bring. He wanted to stop feeling the empty ache inside, he wanted to hold his child and be the father he had always wanted.

"I don't know," he admitted.

"I'll take you home tomorrow," Mark started up the car.

"Thanks," Derek whispered and Mark just squeezed his arm before backing out the parking lot.


	42. Is There a Future for Us?

Hi everyone, sorry about the long wait here

Hi everyone, sorry about the long wait here. I was traveling in Italy

Okay so I've had requests for some happy Addek moments and although my plot is relatively firm and a new beginning will be in the future, I realize they are both pretty miserable and have been for a while. So there is a little more fluff, or hopefulness, in here just to lighten things up. Enjoy

Chapter 42: Is there a Future for Us?

Mark watched his best friend staring at Addison. The two of them were trying now. Derek hadn't let her in completely and Addison was still trying to move forward to full and total forgiveness for his abandonment of her, but there was talking, little by little they were trying to discover who each had become while the other wasn't looking.

"Addie," Derek shifted uneasily behind his wife.

"Hey," Addison turned at her husband's voice and studied his face. He had this look of nervousness, of uncertainty, something she didn't see often.

"Hi," she smiled and tilted her head, "are you okay?"

Derek could feel Mark watching him, and he flashed back to their conversation almost a week ago.

Flashback:

"You're in a rut," Mark watched his friend taking shots with disgust.

"You really need to shut up," Derek snapped.

"Okay that was not called for," Mark retorted.

"Fine, sorry," but he wasn't really.

"Okay you listen to me, I know you're drunk, but if you don't open up to her, you should let her go and stop pretending Derek!" Mark wanted to slug him in the face and knock sense into his hard head.

Derek glanced at Mark as if hearing his words for the first time.

"Let her go?" Clearly he was paying attention.

"She doesn't deserve half of you Derek, she doesn't, and I can't believe you haven't told her, but you need to now. Maybe this is what will help bring you two back together," Mark urged.

"Yeah," Derek muttered, but Mark was encouraged to see he hadn't taken his next shot yet.

"Derek, put yourself first, put her first, and then let the marriage come together on its own," Mark persisted.

Derek wanted that shot, but something held him back. Her, the sight of her panicked face that day she came home and he was passed out on the couch. The looks she sent him as he drank his coffee in the morning, the hopelessness that crossed her face every time he poured a drink. They were trying, but he was only going through the motions.

"Sooner or later she is going to see that you aren't moving forward," Mark voiced his thoughts and Derek glared at him.  
"What?" Mark looked surprised.  
"Nothing," Derek shook his head tiredly. He sighed inwardly.

"Talk to her, you're going to lose her," Mark prayed he would realize how close he was to failing at holding onto her.

"She loves me," Derek sighed.

"Yes, but she is still struggling with the death of the baby," Mark ignored his friend's flinch and continued, "you have to save her from the line she's walking Derek, and you could do with a little saving as well."  
"Oh, and what should I do," Derek snapped at him, "You're not God."

"Yeah, well God seems to think you need your guardian angel to kick some butt," Mark was only half teasing.

Derek glanced at him waiting, not saying anything.

"Change it up," Mark advised, "you have to stop making excuses, cut back on the drinking, and Derek, I hate to suggest it, but you need to start talking to her about your issues, she deserves to know that they exist. You both have pain, and while I respect that you are a private guy, you should consider how honored she'd be if you opened up."

Derek groaned inwardly at the thought of that conversation, but he couldn't ignore that nagging inclination that Mark was right once again.

End flashback

"Can we talk," he smiled weakly.

"Sure," she took his hand leading him towards the lounge. They sat and he twisted his hands uneasily.

"What, are you okay," she was so desperately worried about him.

Looking at her, he was reminded of how she had always tried to help him no matter how busy she was with her own life, even when they were dating. He was foolish to doubt that dedication and love now. Yet, sometimes he hated how weak he actually felt.

"Derek, you know you can talk to me," she urged him gently; "I know you don't want to, but I can listen, I can help."

He smiled, "you've always helped me," and he reached for her hands.

She saw his eyes get distanced and waited for him to return to the present.

Flashback

"Baby?" Addison appeared wearing an apron and Derek thought he'd crossed over to a new paradise.  
"Okay who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend," he asked teasingly walking towards her and sweeping her off her feet.

"You're home," she met his embrace eagerly.

"Thank goodness," he murmured in her hair.  
"Are you okay," concern etched her face as she examined him and Derek hid his inner struggle as best he could.

"Fine, made it through the test," he nodded releasing her.

"Good," she hesitated, "I made food and got beer," she led him to the kitchen.

"You're amazing," he grinned following her.

He took a beer out and closed the fridge his eyes settling on his beautiful partner. She was humming softly and being uncharacteristically domestic.

"Seriously, domestic bliss," he questioned.  
"I figured after your day you'd need TLC," she grinned at him briefly, "are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," he walked up behind her and breathed in her scent. It was distinctly Addison, soothing, warm and stylish. Her body molded to fit his form and she easily slid into his arms. Even while she was cooking, and distracted by other things, she was his very source of strength. When that darkness threatened to engulf him, she was his savior, and he was sure she didn't even know it. She had no idea that occasionally his demons, his past, would sneak up and reach for him leaving him deeply shaken and alone. Her presence in his life gave him a greater ability to fight all those internal agonies. She was his everything.

Addison sensed the melancholy in her boyfriend. He was a private person, one that she was still getting to know. Sometimes she wondered, even as she marveled at his many talents and abilities, if she would ever know him completely. She couldn't push him to talk, if anyone understood his desire to be private; it was Addison and perhaps Mark.

Instead of talking, she turned down the heat under the rice dish and spun to face him. Caught unawares, he was unable to hide the anguish in her eyes, and she simply took it in stride meeting his lips tenderly hoping to comfort him.

"I'm glad you're home," she whispered.

"So am I," he pulled her close again and she went willingly wishing she could fix him.

"You are my everything," he choked haltingly expecting her to pull away and question him. She didn't, instead she just pulled him closer.

"I love you Derek," she rubbed his back, "I do so much."

"I'm so lucky," and he knew he was incredibly blessed to have her by his side.

She felt his desire rise and his lips met hers now more urgently. Although she was hesitant at first, it soon became clear he just wanted to be close to her. She let him lead her to the bedroom and after their lovemaking he held her to him. The rice remained untouched and unfinished in the kitchen, much like the conversation she wanted to press but left for another time.

Derek finally fell asleep bathed in the presence of his angel; finally being around her had quelled the turmoil in him. Addison waited until he was asleep and then eased out of bed to clean up the kitchen. When she returned, she curled up next to him and watched him sleep.

End Flashback

"Do you remember," he hesitated looking down.

She said nothing, just waiting for him.

"Well the days in senior year and in med school when I used to be pretty down?" He was sure she did.

She of course nodded at him waiting to see where he was going with it.

"It wasn't just stress or whatever," he took a deep breath; "I've had some pretty serious depression, really before you met me more than any other time."

Addison was both surprised and not surprised, mostly because she had seen him somewhat depressed, but had sensed from his very behavior around her when he was like that, perhaps he was struggling with more than she knew.

"You seemed deeply distressed," she remarked.

"I am, and there is a lot I've not wrestled with, or even talked about, but" he hesitated, "I think maybe at some point I'm going to need to."

She nodded, and sighed, "Derek, I know you don't want to stop drinking, that you feel as though you really need it, but I want to help, and I feel like it can't really help us heal like we need to."  
He nodded, "and we have a lot to do in that department don't we?"

She could only nod sadly in response.

"We'll make it," he promised wondering how he was going to proceed.

Her pager went off and she kissed him and dashed off. Mark approached him slowly.

"So," he waited.

"I told her just that it exists," he sighed tiredly, "now I need to make good on the promise that we'll heal together."

Later that evening, Derek was home emptying out his bottles and feeling slightly sick when the phone rang. It was Richard.

"Derek, how are you," he knew a little about Derek's previous battles and after Addison lost the baby, he remained concerned about the man he considered a son.

"It's been really tough," Derek forced himself to admit.

"Have you been drinking," Richard questioned.

"I'm trying to cut back," and that was true he reasoned.

"You both need a change," Richard said finally.

"I know," he sighed thinking of the rut they were in.

"Start over," Richard urged.

"Ha," Derek snorted softly, "where could we possibly start over?"

"Here, at Seattle Grace Hospital," came the reply and Derek was shocked speechless.

"What," he managed to ask after a minute.

"Head of neonatal, and neurosurgery," Richard offered, "you'd had the benefit of getting to teach students this time, it's a busy well known hospital, new people, new scenery…"

"Lots of rain," Derek interjected as he tried to gather his thoughts.

"But you'd have Adele and myself, you could make some new friends, and leave some painful memories behind," Richard finally said and Derek was silent.

His thoughts were whirling and although it wasn't a perfect solution, he was beginning to realize maybe they had no choice.

Please review


	43. Trust Me

Hi all, sorry about the delays. I've been home on vacation doing nothing productive. I wrote this but kept forgetting to put it up.

Crazy-chica6: It is? Glad you like it.

Stairwell Girl No2: I did have a blast in Italy and you're welcome for the fluff

Right Hand Blue: Gotcha, yeah Seattle is going to give me lots to play with on the dynamic front

IvyLady: Interesting idea, this is a bit of a filler chapter, but Addison may surprise you

Addiekatefan: sorry to keep you waiting! Thanks for reading

McDayDreaming: Thanks for reading. Richard's offer was a surprise I realize, but I need occasional twists

Queen Satan: Here you go

Previously: Derek shares his depression with Addison, to an extent; Richard offers Derek an out

Summary: Addison contemplates Derek's idea

Chapter 43: Trust Me

He was pacing. She stood watching him through the window. Addison's day had been tiring, taking care of infants was a little more stressful than it used to be and she felt more strongly about taking care of her patients, on all levels than before.

"Derek," she entered and closed the door behind her before facing her husband curiously.

"Addie," he hesitated, "I need to ask you something."

"Okay," she just waited and he took a deep breath.

"I just got a call from Richard," he met her eyes dead on, "he wants us to move to Seattle."

She didn't say anything, she waited hoping words would come; she opened and closed her mouth a bit.

"Addison," he swallowed nervously. Getting to know his wife again was going fairly well, but he couldn't read her expression.

"Leave New York," she finally managed.

"I know," he whispered, "but I can't stay here Addie, and Richard has a really good offer for us both."

She hesitated, "what?"

"Chief of our departments, it is a teaching hospital; we could really get involved in the life of the hospital. I could buy some land out there; we could start a new life Addison."

She realized in that moment that he needed to get away from the terrible memories, from the guilt, from the temptations of the job in New York.

"So you'd pass up chief," she processed.

"I don't want chief, I want to start over," he reiterated.

"Across the country," she clarified.

"I want to, so long as you come, we need this Addison, just us, start again, all over without anyone extra, and deal with the things that are haunting us," he sighed.

"I love you," he finally continued, Derek was not an overly emotional man, but his eyes welled up anyway at the thought of not getting another chance and all they had faced in their last six months together.

"We need another chance as a couple Addison, and I don't think we're going to get that here, do you?"

She shrugged, but didn't refute his point.

"I've had a long day," she chickened out, "but I'll think about it, order Chinese?"

Once upstairs she took off her suit jacket and sunk down on her bed, leave New York? Leave family and friends, his family too? Was he crazy? But she remembered their recent conversation about his depression; there, without saying much, he'd said volumes.

He was drowning in New York and he wanted to start over, but most importantly, his career in New York no longer dominated his thinking. He wanted healthy lives for them both, and if she was forced to be realistic, they were not going to fully heal with memories and too many cooks in the kitchen. Fully healing required getting away from the city, and although she was fearful about that, they wouldn't be alone out there.

She stood and went to change, but her thoughts were still whirling. Their whole lives would be changed in a matter of weeks, and although she hated leaving the familiar life and bustle of New York for the rainy climate of the West Coast, she also knew that Derek wouldn't make such a rash suggestion unless he saw some logic in it. Logic, well that was Derek Shepherd's middle name.

"Food is here," he called up to her and she headed downstairs. Over dinner there was a great deal of thoughtful silence.

Finally Addison spoke,"Derek, do you really want to move?" And that was the real question.

He felt trapped, without knowing what she wanted he was hesitant to give her an answer.

"I see both sides," she smiled taking his hand; the silent implication was that she understood his need to move, but she also needed to hear that.

"We need this," he sighed feeling older than he was.

"I know," she affirmed, "It's just a lot to adjust to."

"Think it over, don't rush," he smiled standing to clear his plate.

"I'm going to bed," he kissed her gently and vanished leaving her to her thoughts in the growing dusk.

Derek climbed into bed, his life had turned into routine, had been a huge struggle and now he wanted something to be different.

He needed change. He didn't want to leave his family, Mark, or even his future job as chief. Life however, seemed to have different plans for him. He needed to be free suddenly, and his emotional sentiments were not helping him understand the life he'd picked to life. Inside he was screaming to get out. He knew he was asking to Addison to give up a lot, but he also knew how dedicated she was to making things work out between them and the last few months of neglect and absolute devastation changed them. She was less demanding, more giving and he was less ignorant and more aware. These changes were subtle, not ones that were immediately apparent.

He closed his eyes taking in a deep breath and he was so caught up in his thinking he failed to notice his wife standing at the bedroom door watching him.

Addison watched Derek's mind spinning, she could see it practically whirling in the spirals and she smiled. That was her Derek, he was always over-thinking, always afraid he was going to do something wrong or make the wrong choice. In a way, she loved his ability to analyze and over-think because most of their decisions as a couple were the most sensible for their situation.

For her the real question was, would they be able to really start over in Seattle? OR were they just running away?

"Hey," apparently his senses were still aware.

"Hi," she sat down on her side of the bed and he rolled over to face her.

"What are you thinking," his voice was filled with concern and she smiled at him before looking again at the wall.

"Are we really going to be able to fix us," she whispered.

"We're already doing a lot better than even two weeks ago," he said finally.

"It's true," she admitted

"Addie, I just feel trapped here, I feel bogged down and I feel as though the life I signed up to life is taking me over completely. I can't handle any emotional stuff and the death of…" he trailed off, "well it's not exactly easy to fight off the other stuff when you're entire being in consumed in something that is so utterly crippling."

They hadn't talked together a bout the death of their daughter and Addison was tired of avoiding the topic.

"I miss her," she said unnecessarily.

"So do I," he affirmed.

"I carried her and I lost her," and the tears came.

Derek swiftly gathered his sobbing wife in his arms wishing her pain could become his and she could be relieved of the guilt and sorrow. He hated to see her cry.

"You loved her, Addie, these things just happen. We can always try again someday and that baby will be equally loved," he stroked her hair.

"It just hurts all the time Derek," she whimpered, "every patient I see who is having a complicated pregnancy, I am so fearful because I know what losing a baby is like now," she sighed calming down in his arms.

Derek said nothing out loud in response because what she said couldn't be truer and that was why she was such a wonderful doctor.

"You're a wonderful doctor because you care Addie," maybe she needed to be reminded.

"Well, I think sometimes I care too much now, I'm so nervous that I almost can't even do my job," she pulled away wiping tears from her eyes.

"I love you Addie, and if you need time off after we move, Richard will understand," he offered and she was surprised how tempting that was.

"So now what," it was a question of open mindedness

"We move," he whispered softly.

"Okay," she kissed him on the lips tenderly.

"And we make a promise to each other here and now that we are doing this together for our marriage and our future," he met her eyes firmly and took both her hands.

"Addison Shepherd," he paused, "will you be trust me to make the last months up to you," he waited.

"Yes," she nodded, "and will you trust me and come to me when life is threatening to drag you down," and that was a very good question because he was shocked.

"Yes," and that was a promise he would now have to keep.

"Okay then," she squeezed his hands and kissed his forehead, "I'm going to change."

He let her go and was almost asleep by the time she got back into bed, he pulled her close to him and they drifted off together.

Dream sequence:

"Daddy, Daddy," she was flying towards him across the slope of the lawn lush with spring green grass.

"Hi baby," he scooped her up and grinned at her, "where's mommy?"

"Right here and you're late," his six months pregnant wife waddled towards him holding a phone in her hand with the mouth piece covered.

"Yes Richard, he just got home," and she held it out.

Derek tugged his daughter's pig tail and shook his head.

Addison raised her eyebrows at him.

"Sorry Richard, I heard a car, but it went on by the house. Yes I know that is unusual out here, as soon as I chew him out for being late I will pass on the message."

"Derek," she hung up looking surprised.

"I just left work after a 36 hour shift, I'm tired and I miss my family," Derek growled, "he can damn well," and she glared at him.

"Sorry," he apologized, and continued again, "he can wait until tomorrow afternoon when he sees me again."

"Good," she greeted him with a kiss and his hand fell to her stomach.

"How's Jr?" he asked.

"We're not calling him that," she retorted.

"Who's Jr?" their little girl hadn't quite gotten used to the idea of a brother even though her parents told her about him.

"Your little brother," Derek carried her inside.

Although he didn't want Addison slaving away on dinner, she pointed out she was still capable of working, but he'd told her no in no uncertain terms for that idea. So, she remarked, the least she could do was cook up healthy dinners. He left her to it for now.

"How was your day button," he smiled at his bundle of energy feeling slightly suspicious, and she smiled back.

"I got to eat ice cream!" she bounced up and down and he groaned inwardly, he'd been right to be suspicious. Addison as a loving mother was perfect for his little girl and he loved her for it, but pregnant Addison as a mom, well that usually equaled some ice cream because she had cravings. That meant a hyper child for bedtime and sure enough his wife appeared looking apologetic, "I'm sorry sweetie."

"It's okay, is the baby less hungry now," he teased.

"Yes," she shook her head, "these cravings are ridiculous, and with her it was chocolate and tuna fish."  
Derek shuddered remembering.

"Dinner is ready," she reminded him before exiting the room.

Derek headed up to change quickly and returning in a nice sweatshirt and outdoors pants sat down in his place.

Dinner was a quiet affair surprisingly and soon he was reading his little girl her favorite bed time stories. After the second one he noticed she was asleep and as he was leaving the room after tucking her in, he felt his wife's arms around him.

"She's an angel isn't she," Addison sounded so proud.

"Just like you," he replied watching her sleep.

The dark shadows crept across the room as the parents watched their little girl peacefully sleep.


	44. Best Friends

Hi everyone sorry about the delays here! Life is getting busy for the next six weeks or so with exams so updates will be a bit less frequent. I hope you enjoy and reviews are always awesome! Usual disclaimer. and can I say how awesome it was to watch the new grey's!! GAGGGGG...no spoilers for those of you who haven't watched it, but for those of you who have, yes? And the last scene at the end, pretty impressive actually with that advice. Sorry to tease those who haven't seen it, go to a website though and watch it, like surfthechannel or something.

Onwards...

Stairwell Girl No2: Yes away from NY, I'm wanting to write the others in now, selfish choice on my part, but it stays interesting. It is Rome and yes I had a great time

addiekatefan: Thanks!

Crazychica6: Ah good, glad you're in favor of it. Sorry to be so terrible about updating. It's called life, sigh

Queen Satan: Fresh starts heal the soul

Right Hand Blue: AW, thanks. I like dream sequences, they can be as crazy as I want

Queenaddek: Hummm, foreshadowing...

IvyLady: Addison got some help, she's not healed all the way, but I wanted her to really respond to what she thinks he needs. If Derek voices such strong interest, there is usually a reason, at least the Derek she knows...really well.

Previously: Derek gets a positive response from Addie about moving

Summary: The people we love are the people who make life worth living. Saying goodbye is never easy.

Chapter 44: Best Friends

"How are we going to tell him," Addison glanced sideways at her husband. Since yesterday, her mind had been frantically realizing what they were giving up, a home, family, friends, their careers, all for the unknown; she was terrified.

"Who," Derek asked before he thought and then stopped short.

"You know who," she whispered.

"Yeah," he didn't look at her. Mark, Mark was going to need to know.

"We have to tell him before anyone else," she finally said.

"I know," he rolled his head in a circle as if he had a tight neck.

"Dinner tonight," he sighed kissing her lips and heading out the door. She stared at the empty doorway, he was avoiding the idea, but sooner or later he would realize what it meant and she hurt for him.

Derek felt like the world had toppled on him. While he wanted and needed desperately to get out of New York, start over somewhere fresh, he knew Mark wouldn't leave his playboy life and successful career. He would visit, but Derek would be leaving his best friend and Addison would as well. Despite the kiss, despite occasional glimpses of longing in his best friends' eyes – Derek wasn't stupid – he knew that kiss months ago was just a stupid choice on her part. It was brought on by desperation he'd caused and that old Derek would be buried forever if they left New York. That was why he was leaving, or one of the major reasons. It still didn't help though that Mark wouldn't be going with them. No more guys' nights out, no more complaining about married life or listening to Mark's recent mistakes. He sighed; the phone and email just were not the same.

He left a message on Mark's cell asking him about dinner and got a text message in response. They were on for seven thirty, when he called Addison to tell her, she was silent.

"What," he asked finally.

"Are you okay," she questioned.

"Yeah I just had forgotten about the actually telling people part, somehow I thought I could avoid that," he gave a half-hearted laugh.

Addison didn't push, "see you tonight, I love you," and she was gone.

That night

They were edgy, there was no question. They were also looking pretty relaxed together, the light touches on the back, and the smile she gave him, Mark was thrilled. But something was off.

"Mark," Derek stared at his drink uncertainly.

"Just tell me," he hesitated, something told him they were nervous about his reaction.

"Mark, we have something to tell you," she continued.

"I figured that out," he wasn't always the smartest with women, but his best friends, well that was different.

"We're, we're going to," Derek couldn't quite say it.

"Oh for heaven's sake Derek, you never used to have trouble saying stuff, just say it!" Mark glared.

"We're moving," Addison blurted it out and watched his face freeze.

"Moving," he repeated

"Yeah, to Seattle," across the country Seattle, she left it unsaid.

"Wow, when," he asked finally.

"We've got some things to tie up here," Derek hesitated, "a week probably."

"Damn," Mark sighed, "I'm headed to Geneva for a medical conference tomorrow night," he couldn't process.

"Mark we're really sorry to just tell you so suddenly," she apologized.

He met Derek's eyes though searching and suddenly he got it. Derek was being dragged down by the shit here and he needed out.

"Why," he asked out loud just to clarify and see if Derek would be honest with Addison there.

"I need to get out," Derek sighed, "Addie's willing to go with me, start over, give us a second chance, real chance," he smiled softly at her, "a fresh start for both of us where we can get to know each other again away from all the other turmoil and memories."

Clearly they had talked, "that makes sense," he nodded.

Mark wanted to punch something deep down, but his love and concern for them both held him back. He was not above drinking himself into a heavy sleep tonight to avoid thinking about his life without them, but for now he'd play the happy friend. He was happy, for them, but he felt his heart clench.

"I'll visit," he grinned, "I hear it rains like the tropics," and was pleased to see Addison make a face at the idea.

"Let's order and the conversation turned around to Mark's newest blonde, the conference, Addison's cases, and finally the time had come.

"Well I guess this is goodbye," Mark hadn't come to dinner tonight prepared to say goodbye to his friends. It took a lot of work on his part to keep up a good face.

"No, we'll be back, all of Derek's family is here," Addison reminded him and also comforted him. She understood what he was feeling, they both did, but that didn't make it any easier and it wouldn't keep them in New York.

"Crazy sisters will need me to pick up pieces in their lives sooner or later," Derek nodded in agreement.

"What are you going to do out there," Mark asked.

"Well, I'd like to buy some beautiful property and build a house," that was his new idea.

"Seriously," Mark and Addison stared at him.

"Really," Mark asked her.

"Apparently," she grinned thinking about a home with him and their own land.

"Let me know when it's done, I'll come out and help you throw a housewarming party," he promised with a grin

"Okay, I can't wait to see you charm the ladies of Seattle Grace Hospital" she gave him a tight hug and he kissed her cheek as she pulled back

"Stay well," he urged her feeling a tug at his heart. No matter how much he loved Derek and cared about their well-being, and wanted them to be happy together, his heart would always belong in some true sense to her and the wonder that was Addison. He was glad Derek saw what was his all along. He hoped that he could find someone someday to make his heart beat as fast as she did.

"See you soon, be nice to the girl when you eventually dump her," she laughed and went out to get the car, he made a face

Derek sighed suddenly hating this part of his plan.

"I'm sorry man, I wish this didn't have to happen so fast," he apologized.

"Your health comes first," Mark nodded approvingly.

"I'm glad you're doing this," he continued seeing Derek's sad expression.

"Really," Derek was shocked in a way, but grateful Mark was being so supportive.

"Yeah, I mean Addison needs you and you need her, without all the shit that happened here," Mark shrugged.

"I abandoned her, put her second, despite the love I have for her, and then the baby," he choked up and Mark nodded understandingly.

"I know buddy," he put his hand on Derek's shoulder.

"I just, I need to start over with her, and before we do that, I need to know," he smiled through his tears "I need to come to terms with, well a lot of stuff."

"You keep me in the loop okay, and if you ever need anything, call. I'll be on the next flight," Mark glared at him.

"I promise," Derek nodded and then hesitated.

"What," Mark asked.

"You've been the best, most loyal and honest friend I've ever had," Derek sighed, "and leaving you behind, not having our heart to heart chats or hearing your perspective, having a beer, being guys together," he didn't finish.

"I know, we'll make it work though," Mark sighed, "friends are forever. Also Derek, your wife needs you and you need her, I always knew that. This may be a bit extreme, more so than I would have thought you were capable of, but Derek I know your shit, your past and she doesn't. Yet she respects your needs, the desire you have to move and that's what counts," he nodded, "it's the right thing. I'll see you soon."

"Okay," he left heading to the curb where Addison had pulled the car up.

"Are you alright," she waited for a minute. He glanced back at the door where Mark was standing and Mark lifted his hand in farewell.

"Yeah," he hesitated, "I will be. It's just hard, leaving people."

"He'll always be around," she reminded him, "you two are inseparable."

Derek glanced at his wife, "did you ever resent that?"

"What," she put on the blinker and pulled out into traffic.

"Me and Mark, being so close," he realized he'd never asked her about that before; not really anyway.

"Not anymore," she sighed, "right after we were married, it was a little harder. Now he's one of my best friends too."

"He was there for you when I wasn't," Derek sighed.

"He was just trying to keep everyone happy," she responded.

"I know," he nodded, "I'm glad you had him."

"I'm grateful to him, but I'm even more glad that I'm getting my husband back," she didn't look at him, but he saw her smile.

"I'm glad too," he was, but there was still a part of him that was struggling.

"You can talk to me Derek," she said finally.

"I will, just not now," he hated putting it off, but she didn't seem angry at his response.

After they got home, Derek headed straight for a shower.

She was asleep by the time he got out of the bathroom. He curled up beside her and fell asleep almost instantly.

When he woke a few hours later, she wasn't there. Frowning and glancing towards the bathroom, he confirmed what his instincts told him, she wasn't nearby.

He climbed out of bed and pulled on a tee-shirt and exited the room. There was no noise and no lights downstairs; suddenly he realized where she was.

"Addie," she was sitting in the rocking chair and he knew that tears were streaming silently down her face.

Sure enough, squatting in front of her, he was justified in his instincts again.

"Addison," he whispered.

"I'm glad you want to move, I can't live here anymore with this room just here," he could barely understand her with the choking sounds. He didn't reach for her, not yet. They needed to have this talk first.

"Addison," he waited, "please look at me."

Her desperate gaze broke his heart.

"I love you; I promise you we're going to get a new life. We won't forget her, we'll never forget, but we will move on and we'll do it together. That's what I want more than anything," he smiled at her, "and I want to fix us."

"I want that too," she nodded, "it just hurts."

"I know," he did.

"I had so many dreams for us," she whimpered.

"I did also," he remembered vividly all of his visions for their lives.

"Someday we may get to decorate another nursery," he finally said.

She looked torn between horror and relief.

"Addie?"

"It feels disrespectful," she admitted

"Not now, not this year, but someday," he clarified, "and I think she would want us to be happy, to have someone to raise and to love and cherish," he understood her feelings though.

"I would never suggest it if I thought she'd feel betrayed," he knew Addison still felt her presence some days. She would never say it, but she still wished the baby was inside of her.

"I'm sorry I shut you out," she apologized.

"I understand, we hadn't talked enough recently to be able to talk then, but we can talk now," he assured her.

"Are you okay," she questioned nervously realizing that his drinking and depression was a whole other can of emotions almost separate from the baby.

"Not yet," he sighed, "but I want to be, and I want to be soon for you and for us, so that's why I want to start over and take time to figure things out."

"I'm so sorry," she whispered now leaning forward to take his face in her hands; she was coming to him.

Now he could hold her in his arms and she cried against his chest.

"Oh Addie, it will be okay, I have you," he smiled realizing it was true, "I have you and we're going to get each other through all of this."

"Okay," she whispered back.

It wasn't the time to share, "I'll try and be more open with you Addie, I promise, it's just going to take time."

"We have plenty of that," she pulled back and planted a gentle kiss on his lips.

"Come on," he took her hand and pulled her up, "let's go back to sleep."

They fell asleep both feeling better, more hopeful for their future.


	45. There's No Going Back

Hi everyone. Sorry exams are eating a lot of my time and making it hard to do other stuff. So here's another chapter. There's some strong T, slight M content in it, so beware. Please leave feedback, there's a filler chapter coming up that is slightly different and then we'll see them setting up their new home out West. Please read and review. Thanks.

Crazy-Chica6: I appreciate your thoughts. I'm hoping the move is good, Mark isn't going to be completely gone, as in they will still keep in touch with him, but they are going to get distance which is good. As far as opening up to her, I'm still figuring that part out, so I might put it off for a few chapters and chalk it up to moving and settling in needing to come first.

Queen Satan: I know I feel for Mark too, but they are slowly mending some broken fences. Seattle is coming soon, not next chapter, but the one after I think.

Stairwell Girl No 2: Yeah he's going to be a bit sidelined for a while I think, not sure yet.

AddieKateFan: Thanks, it is coming

Right Hand Blue: Thanks for the review. I'll make sure Mark gets some "screen time" again down the road. He has a house party to plan.

IvyLady: Talking is good. Mark is their best friend so of course they feel the mutual loss, but I think he realizes that they do need to be on their own to fix stuff.

SeriouslyAddison: Welcome back. Glad you are enjoying it. Cannot believe it is that long! Gosh!

Previously: Addison and Derek say good bye to Mark

Summary: Addison and Derek remember the beginning of their life in the brownstone, and face up to some of the emotional challenges of saying good bye.

Chapter 45: There's No Going Back

"Derek," she glared at her husband who was literally just dumping clothes in boxes.

"What," he met her stare evenly.

"That is not an efficient way to pack," she chided

"God, Addie," he groaned in response.

"Here," she dumped the clothes onto the bed shaking it as she went and he stared in shock.

"What the hell?"

"Now fold them properly and stick them in there so we can actually put our life into a truck efficiently," she felt like slapping him on the back of the head.

"Why are you making me fold clothes," he whined and she felt her anger threatening to surface.

"I'm going to grab lunch," she snatched her purse and headed down the stairs.

Once out at the car she leaned against it choking back her tears. Despite Derek's eagerness to move, his desire to get out, he wasn't making it easy for her. She knew that he was struggling with the implications of this decision as well; every single day he looked torn. They both had decided it was for the best, and everything was put in motion, there really was no going back. However, Derek second-guessed himself all the time. That was something Addison wanted to do, but thanks to his foot-dragging, she couldn't allow herself to do. She hated being the woman, the wife, it meant the packing and the getting them there and settled was traditionally her responsibility. Derek was taking full advantage of that. The entire house was almost packed up and moving was going to take place the following afternoon. Their flight left at 5PM eastern standard time, the truck was leaving with their belongings that day as well. Luckily, the only room that was left was the nursery; Addison hadn't figured out yet how she was actually supposed to handle that.

She silently cursed him and climbed into the drivers' seat.

"Hey," he appeared at the window and she just stared at his face for a minute before starting the car and rolling down the window.

"What do you want," she asked tiredly.

He looked slightly apologetic and puzzled at the same time.

"Let's eat out," he finally said, "We both need a break."

"Sure okay," she acquiesced to his puppy eyes. Hopefully he wouldn't be difficult.

"I'm sorry," he climbed into the passenger seat.

She glanced at her husband searching for something in his face, anything that would clue her into how he was feeling. His gaze remained fixed straight ahead until he realized she wasn't going anywhere.

"Where are we headed," he waited.

"Nowhere until you tell me why you're sorry, or what you're sorry for," she retorted.

"I know I was difficult up there," he rubbed his face feeling suddenly adolescent and stupid.

"Just a little," she sighed.

"Addie, I'm sorry, I know you don't need to deal with that right now, I just didn't realize how I was acting until you walked out," he sounded sincere and slightly embarrassed

"We knew this wasn't going to be easy Derek, it's not fair to make it harder on me," she reminded him.

"I know, especially because you are doing this for me," he sighed, "and I can't tell you how relieved and thrilled I am that you are doing this for us," Derek glanced at his wife who was studying him carefully.

"I really am so grateful Addie," he extended his hand and she took it without hesitation.

"Let's eat," she smiled back finally and the drive was mostly in silence.

They ended up at their favorite Italian restaurant and after ordering she noticed his smirk.

"What is it," she questioned.

"We came here our first night, after moving in," he grinned.

"That's right," Addison remembered it so vividly.

Flashback

"Derek," she called out.

"What Addie," he appeared looking tired and sweaty and she chuckled at him.

She took a moment to admire him, her husband, muscular, adorable, charming, and sweaty and all hers. She forced herself to focus on the original intent she had when she called for him, but she noticed a glint in his eyes.

"Yes Addie," he teased.

"Well first, I think we need to find dinner, secondly," her eyes twinkled "I could jump you right now."

"Same here," he hesitated, "let me shower and then we'll go."

She heard the shower turn on and despite being in the middle of unpacking the kitchen, she couldn't resist.

"Hey," she opened the door and waited.

"That took you long enough," his face appeared behind the door of the shower and he was grinning.

"Get in here," he ordered her firmly.

"I thought you'd never ask," she stripped down rapidly and climbed in with him.

He didn't waste any time after a quick soaping up and rinse before he entered her swiftly and she giggled softly pinned up between him and the wall.

"Why are you giggling," he looked confused.

"Because I've always dreamed of being in a shower with you, in our own house," she kissed him softly and his eyes filled with tenderness.

"I know me too," he admitted.

He took his time with her, kissing her with such leisure that she was sure she would die from the sheer pleasure of it.

"Derek," she pleaded.

"Is there something you want Addie," he murmured.

"Yes," she hissed.

"Then you have to tell me what you want," he said seemingly carefree about the needs of her body.

"Derek Shepherd," she growled.

"Yes Mrs. Shepherd," his wicked grin only served to increase her frustration.

"God damn it Derek," she snarled, "why are you doing this?"

"Because you are absolutely hot when you get all flustered," he remarked casually, "I like you like this."

"You are such a," and suddenly his hand found their way between them and she cried out in pleasure and shock.

"Was that what you wanted?"

There were no thoughts coherent enough to voice, minutes later they finished together.

"Wow," she kissed him gently.

"I think it's time to go find a good restaurant," he let her down gently, "now I've worked up an appetite."

"Me too," she turned off the shower.

About twenty minutes later they walked into a nice looking Italian place.

"Table for two," Derek asked and after they'd ordered their meals, she found him just watching her.

"What," she shifted uneasily.

"You are stunning," he finally said and she blushed.

"Seriously, you are absolutely breathtaking, and you're mine," he took her hand in his and gently fingered the rather impressive rings he'd put there just a few months ago.

"Derek," she felt tears welling up.

"I mean it, you're my entire world forever," he reached up to brush away the tears pulling back when the food arrived.

The entire dinner was quiet, enjoying the food and sneaking glances.

That night as they headed to bed in a mostly unpacked room, Derek curled up next to her and whispered in her ear, "we're home babe."

"I know, but anywhere is a home with you," she murmured back before dozing off.

End flashback

Derek watched her face as she remembered.

"What you said to me that night in bed," he hesitated, "true?"

"Yeah," she nodded, "always Derek."

"That was some hot shower sex," he winked suggestively and she felt a smile and blush on her face even after all those years.

"It was," she agreed as she twirled her pasta.

"Derek," she wondered how to explain her needs regarding this sensitive topic.

"Yeah," he waited.

"Can you ask Nancy to finish packing up some stuff," she met his eyes.

"Sure, what stuff, we're almost done," he looked relieved.

"Not quite," she finally whispered.

"What do we have left? Oh…" he looked down suddenly not as hungry as before.

"It's just, I can't do it," she admitted.

"I can't either," he realized, "I'll ask Nancy, what do you want done with the stuff?"

"I want it to go to the goodwill," Addison smiled weakly, "it seems like some good should be done with it."

"What about in the future, if we…" but he was cut off by her shaking her head.

"I don't want to think about the future right now, not like that, if and when the time is right, we're starting over from scratch," she was firm in that.

"Okay," he didn't push.

They paid and left driving home again in an easy silence.

While Addison was in the tub, Derek called his sister.

"I can't believe you're leaving tomorrow brother dear," she teased.

"Yeah me neither," he sighed, "you still giving us a lift?"

"Yeah," she said, "of course."

"Listen, I've got one more favor to ask of you," he finally said.

"What's up," she heard his serious tone and braced herself.

"I need you to come pack up the nursery and bring the stuff to goodwill, Addie and I can't handle it," he whispered.

"No problem," she quickly agreed feelng her heart clench at his request.

"Thanks Nancy," he breathed out.

"What are sisters for," she said earnestly.

"Really Nancy, thank you," he didn't know how to express the level of his gratitude.

"See you tomorrow bro," she said finally.

"Yeah," he hung up and headed upstairs. His clothes lay in the bed where he'd left them. She was still in the tub so he folded and packed up the rest of his stuff in efficient time, labeled them and stacked them in the corner. Everything else was ready to go.

"Hey," she appeared wrapped in a towel and looked around.

"Hi," he responded glancing up from their medical journal.

"Nice clean up job," she praised.

"Thanks," he grinned, "I can actually fold."

"I know," she dried off and he fought the arousal he knew would be coming. She pulled on a silk night-gown which left little to the imagination and climbed into bed with him.

"I can't believe we're leaving," she whispered.

"It's a new life," he affirmed turning off the light.

It wasn't more than a second before her lips were on him desperately seeking comfort.

"Hey hey," he pulled away slightly, "calm down first baby. You have to breathe."

She managed to get her breathing under control and when he was sure she was alright he leaned back in. Despite being calmer there was a driving franticness to her movements and Derek felt his concern rise. She didn't take well to being pacified or restrained so instead he merely slowed the pace of his own movements.

Addison felt his mood change as she kissed him, although he was clearly eager to participate, his calm strength was being wrapped around her soothingly.

He rolled on top of her settling between her legs, but he refused to move inside her until her movements slowed.

"Relax Addie, it's okay," he kissed her forehead and she nodded fighting tears.

"I'm here," he continued, "we're going to start this over together, we'll make a home together."

"There were times in the last year I thought I was going to lose you," she admitted tearfully.

He kissed in response with all the love he could put into it. She kissed him back, firmly but clearly calmer.

"Are you okay," he waited for her nod and then eased slowly into her watching her face. When he saw nothing but pleasure, he moved gently, thrusting steadily, but taking time to enjoy being with her.

"I've missed you," she whispered in his ear as his lips fell to her shoulder.

"I know baby, I'm so sorry," he knew he'd never stop feeling guilty about his own behavior over the past months and recent years.

She held him close feeling the tension building and coiling inside.

"Just let go, I've got you," he whispered.

She wanted to wait for him, but as she felt herself go she realized he was in fact right there with her.

They curled up together after, his hands caressing her body, stomach, arms, hips, gently soothing her into sleep.

Derek knew she was scared, afraid of the unknown and although he understood, he knew that he would better be able to give her what she needed if they left New York. He was doing it for him, but he was also doing it for them and that was the reason she would follow him. She trusted that this move would bring them closer together and he swore he wouldn't let her down again.


	46. The Only Choice They Had

Hey all, thanks for the quick reviews. It inspired me (and avoiding work too). Enjoy and the plot bunny is always happy for carrots. Usual disclaimer applies, don't own, no profits. And I'm experimenting with font styling now, hope it works.

Stairwell Girl No 2: Thanks :) Cleaning out those tear ducts some :)

SeriouslyAddison: Thanks! Aw, well glad you can live through them, remember though, all relationships and marriages go through hard times, it certainly hasn't been all roses with these two.

crazy-chica6: Thanks for the full circle comment, glad you feel that way, I loved having to imagine their life in NY, but it was time to wrap it up.

McDayDreaming: I'm a big fan of flashbacks, fewer restrictions and lots of opportunity to fill in backstory.

Queen Satan: Soon enough for you? :)

Right Hand Blue: Heh. Yeah it was too hard for them, but it isn't an easy thing for anyone who knows them

Addiekatefan: Ah he's turned around now some hasn't he? Finally...

Previously: Addie and Derek remember the earlier days, Addison panics slightly and Derek assures her that he will be there for her.

Summary: Nancy and Mark reflect on the couple as Addison and Derek fly West

**Chapter 46: The Only Choice They Had**

Nancy hugged her sister-in-law tightly feeling her take a shaky breath. When she pulled back there were tears in her eyes. Nancy knew her own eyes were probably misty too.

"Bye Nancy," Addison smiled bravely.

"Bye Addie, take care of yourself" she was concerned even months after the miscarriage about Addie's emotional state, and it was something she'd mentioned to Derek earlier, or at least hinted at. She knew that Addison had gotten some help and she certainly looked better than she had in the past weeks. However, that didn't mean that Addison was necessarily better; hopefully this move would give her and Derek a chance, a real one, to rebuild their lives and fix their problems.

Derek leaned in next, and he pulled her close, "I'm going to miss you," he choked out softly.

"I'm going to miss you too crazy brother," she managed to say without crying, almost.

"We'll visit soon Derek," she promised as she pulled away from him desperate to reassure herself as well.

He planted a quick kiss on her forehead, and then they walked together hand in hand through security.

Nancy sat in her car feeling her emotions weave all over the place. She couldn't believe that in the last two hours, she'd picked them up for the last time in their home and said good bye to some of her dearest family.

_Flashback_

_Nancy rang the doorbell and heard hurried noises inside._

_"Derek," Addison was calling him loudly._

_She heard a thump, "I'm coming Addie," he barreled down the stairs with a suitcase in his arms._

_"Nancy's here," she pulled the door open and Nancy raised her eyebrows slightly at the sight of her winded brother._

_"Hey Nancy," Addison smiled warmly at her, "we're ready believe it or not."_

_"I don't," she laughed at the exasperated look on Addison's face._

_"Believe me, it was quite a chore pulling this off, and making sure he was ready," the redhead looked frazzled and glared at Derek in annoyance._

_"Derek, are you giving her trouble," Nancy scolded lightly._

_"Not on purpose," he sighed standing still and looking almost remorseful._

_"Alright, you're off the hook," she nodded suspiciously._

_"Addison, your phone is ringing," Derek pointed to her phone._

_Glancing at it, she rolled her eyes, "it's Donald, I'll be right back" and she headed into the kitchen._

_"Derek is everything okay," Nancy prodded, he looked slightly distressed._

_"Just realizing the huge step we're about to take, Addie and I grew up here as a couple," he glanced around the now empty space, "she was pretty freaked out last night."_

_"I bet, is it sold?" she questioned._

_"Yeah, they move in next week so if you could take care of…" he trailed off sadly._

_"Today, after I drop you two off," she promised_

_"I found her in there a few nights ago, she's still really broken up inside about it, but she won't really talk about it when she starts remembering or having flashbacks," he admitted._

_"I know," Nancy nodded, "I am concerned about her emotional state, but I do know that she's strong, you just have to be there for her Derek."_

_"I'm worried she hasn't really cried and come to terms with the loss, and that she'll be too afraid to try again," Derek admitted._

_"Because of another miscarriage," Nancy nodded._

_"Also because I wasn't there last time, I caused her to miscarry because I neglected her," he sighed._

_"That's not true Derek and you know it, it was a troubled pregnancy to begin with," she scolded her brother feeling her fears well up. They weren't fears for Addison now, but Derek, he'd had his tough times. Times that he'd never discussed with her._

_"Yeah," he kept looking at his feet, another nerve-wracking sign of his turmoil._

_Just then Addison returned, "okay we're ready, Donald just had some last minute papers to file for me and he couldn't find some information, typical male," she sighed._

_Nancy groaned inwardly wishing that she could have had more time with him. She'd call in a few weeks anyway, and pry it out of him then._

_"Okay, let's go," Nancy led the way to the car and the drive to the airport was largely filled with general discussions about their arrival in Seattle and such._

_"We're staying with Adele and Richard while we look at some pieces of land," Derek grinned and Nancy sighed._

_"I know right, real land" Addison laughed._

_"Hey that was the deal, we have each other, and our own place, but the location of that place is a compromise," he reminded her._

_"Oh?" Nancy glanced back at him eyebrows raised._

_"Yeah, I get my dream house, whatever I want, so long as it's in the middle of nowhere so he can be a woodsman," she sighed._

_"Addie also promised to go more West Coast elegant and warm, rather than New York Persian stuffy," Derek grinned._

_"That is quite the compromise," Nancy glanced at Addison who shrugged._

_"I'm capable of changing tastes," she defended herself._

_"I'm sure you are," the two women chuckled._

_"What," Derek asked._

_"Any excuse to shop," Addison explained and he groaned under his breath._

_"What was that Derek," his wife met his eyes frowning._

_"Nothing," he grinned, well attempted to, "it's going to be awesome."_

_"You have him well trained," Nancy remarked and Addison just laughed softly. He would give her the moon if she asked, she was sorry she'd ever truly doubted him._

_End flashback_

They needed to go, Nancy knew that. She'd seen their love grow stronger recently and she realized that there were too many memories holding them back. It was really the only choice they had, but she was going to miss them. An hour later she arrived back at the house and headed upstairs locking the door behind her.

She opened the door reverently to the nursery and scanned it slowly soaking it in. There were so many things in here that spoke volumes about the hope that Addison, and then Derek too, had for the future. It was gone, all of it. Tears welled up in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. God, she hated this. But she'd promised to save them the pain of having to face it.

She began putting things in boxes, the stuffed animals, Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, and the teddy bears of all sizes and colours. Next, she moved to the books, the shelf full of childhood favorites that were for weeks and months to come as the baby grew. There was a copy of Goodnight Moon that caught her eye, and she thought she recognized it; it was Addison's from when she was young. Nancy bit her lip wondering if they had even bothered to separate out their things, maybe not. Glancing around she saw a few other things that seemed loved and used that she recognized. Perhaps she was meant to keep them separate. Unsure, she found another smaller box, and began to fill it up. There was a simple but noisy rattle that was Derek's from when he was a kid. God she'd hated that thing. He'd driven her crazy, but when she tried to take it away he'd sobbed so loudly that suddenly it hadn't seemed so terrible. Then there was a little sweater and hat, no doubt Derek's, she would recognize their mom's handmade work anywhere. The baby blanket in the crib was a little tattered, not new, most likely Addison's. It was dearly loved she was sure, and then finally a little plastic pacifier, with a wooden handle, that looked like the one she'd seen in the few baby pictures of Addie. She put that away too, and closed up the box. These little things she would keep for another time, for the future. She hoped it was the right thing to do.

Then into the bigger boxes, went the entire baby clothes collection, many colors because they hadn't known, or didn't care about the sex. Addison wasn't much for convention she through wryly, she didn't care what her baby was dressed in. Although she paused to consider with a smirk, it would have been always of the highest quality. There were picture frames, empty - but poised - and ready to hold the pictures that would create memories. They could probably be returned, but she was fairly sure that the receipts were gone. She put them in a box and sighed wishing there was some way to change the past. Finally, all she had left was the dresser. Opening up the first drawer she gasped softly feeling tears spring to her eyes. There was a baby book placed carefully on top of a bunch of diapers. Nancy hesitated and then opened it, and there was a single entry with a baby sonogram picture below it.

_"Dear baby, I just got this book today, I thought I'd make sure you knew all of the things that happened to prepare for your arrival. I am decorating your room now, you can change it whenever you want, but I'm going to make it cheerful and fill it with all the toys that can possibly fit. I can't quite feel you right now, but I know you're in there. Your dad isn't around much yet, he's still really busy at the hospital, but he is already secretly thrilled by your very existence inside of me even if he isn't always around to show it. In the meantime, I'm glad you're keeping me company. The picture below is you, cute little you. I can't wait to meet you, love Mom."_

It was short, simple, and heartbreaking. Nancy felt herself slide down against the door and more sobs came from deep in her chest. After a few minutes, she composed herself and stood up feeling shaky. She decided to keep the baby book, she wasn't sure if she should, but it seemed wrong to put that in the give-away box. It was too personal, such a tiny insight into the thoughts of her sister-in-law.

It was late and she needed to get home. There were still a few things that needed to be dismantled, she'd forgotten about that. Slowly she picked up the phone and dialed Mark's number; even years later she'd never gotten rid of it.

"This is Dr. Mark Sloan, I'm in Geneva for a week returning on Friday, leave one," and then the beep.

She took a breath, "hey Mark, It's Nancy Pants calling. Listen Derek and Addison asked me to help by packing up the nursery, there's some stuff here that needs to be taken apart, boxed up, would you mind doing that as soon as you get home," she hesitated and left him her number, "call me back if you can't do it, ok?" She hoped she didn't sound too weak and pathetic, but her emotions were suddenly all out of control.

_Meanwhile half-way across the world:_

Mark Sloan was done with his Geneva conference duties, notes and schmoozing with experts, and now his best friends were on a plane flying to Seattle at that very minute, well maybe not exact, but close enough. By the time he returned tomorrow evening, they would be gone. His life would change not having them but he got their reasons and understood one hundred percent. It just hurt like hell. Just then his phone beeped and he glanced at it to see a new message. Weird that it hadn't rung.

After listening to it, he felt tears threatening him, way deep down. God, Nancy's request made him almost nauseas. Mark wouldn't cry in public, he'd wait until he had to actually dismantle his friends' greatest dreams, then he would cry for their losses. Nancy sounded terrible, like she was struggling to keep it together and he wished he could have been there to help her through what must have been a deeply emotional afternoon. Their brief and romantic involvement ended, as all of his relationships did; not terribly well. But she was different, maybe because Derek was a mutual link. They patched up their relationship and the light occasional flirting when they saw each other was special to them. It was a reminder of what they had been and how far they had come in being friends.

They never told Derek much about it; he'd asked a few times. Mark just told him that nothing could ever happen between them, and that was true, he just never confirmed something had "tried to happen." Derek let it go, and so he'd gotten off easy, somehow. He was pretty sure Nancy hadn't told Derek they'd been together for a few months; Derek loved his sisters and probably wouldn't have reacted well. Mark sighed outloud, actually that was probably an optimistic understatement. Derek would have killed him. Someday he would tell Derek, just not now, he had no immediate death wish.

It was awkward, really, the hookups all the time, but especially with his best friend's sister. If he was willing to think about it, he was actually a man-whore, but the women he went out with; well they just weren't for him. He liked sex and he was attractive. He even found great women: kind, sexy, funny, smart and insightful, but no one made his heart pound, except her. He hated himself for loving her; he'd tried so hard to stay distanced, and had succeeded, but mostly because in the end he cared too much about Derek, and their life together, to dream of ruining it in any way. That one kiss, although initiated by her, had almost destroyed them all.

He'd get over her. They were on their way to making a fresh start, and although he'd done his part in helping her, and then in fixing them back up, he was forced to admit that his presence hadn't always encouraged them to talk to each other. Hopefully that would change now.

Although she was married to his best friend, she was the constant in his life, and although he never could physically hold her close, she was there in all other ways leaving him mostly content not to have a "constant steady" in addition to her. That's why the women never lasted. However, Nancy was special because she was Derek's sister. She was one of the only women he'd slept with that he'd stayed in touch with. God, there'd been a woman or two on this trip; he knew he'd never see them again so in typical Mark style, he wasn't terribly concerned. He knocked back a shot, for Addison and Derek. He was drinking to their happiness and to his own emptiness. It wasn't just the loss of his best friend, or her, or them together, it was the realization that no one he'd ever met, even Nancy, would have convinced him to put in the effort to keep working at things to fix what had been broken. Addison's determination to save her marriage had outlasted Derek's stupidity. And he was stupid, of that Mark was sure. On the other hand, Derek had shit to deal with now that she was aware of, and Mark could only hope that worked out better this time around. Derek had to be open with Addison, and not having Mark around would make it easier on Derek. Again, so he hoped.

It was late and time for bed, he glanced down the bar towards the lovely young blonde woman sitting there, she eyed him up carefully and Mark sighed. He wanted her, sure, but somehow he wasn't in the mood. He knocked back the final shot, slapped some money on the table.

"Keep the change," he stood.

"Thanks, you have a good night," the bartender kept working away. There was something soothing about the pace and methodical nature of bar-tenders the world 'round.

He made his way to the elevator and slowly to his room, where he just sat down on the bed heavily. Derek and Addie may have had little choice in the end. Getting away was right; they would mend their broken marriage and learn about each other's pain and secrets. He wouldn't be called to console Addison from a panic attack, or take her out to dinner, or asked to hide Derek's drinking from his wife. He wouldn't be in the middle anymore, well that was one small silver lining in the current cloud hanging over him. It was paper thin.


	47. A New Life

Chapter 47: A New Life

Hey all thanks for the reviews. I'd love to see the number hit 300 with this chapter  Anyway I've been studying and enjoying London life for the next month while it lasts. Hence the slow updates. Usual disclaimer applies.

Crazy-chica6: I really am sorry about the baby. I agree with you about the Addie mom observation. We'll see. Mark is growing up, he's always been a good open friend, but I think I am still trying to keep him true to the show at least now with the man-whore thing. Most people like this Mark and a few have expressed regret that no NY means much less Mark; I'm going to have to be creative in trying to keep him involved. I like writing him.

Stairwell Girl No2: Yeah poor Nancy. Addek isn't perfect, but they've survived a lot together, it'd be a shame to break them up

Addiekatefan: Thanks, here you go

SeriouslyAddison: basically, well it's an expression I guess, I wonder if I've gotten it wrong…I was going for images of those Persian rugs, elegant, old which are somewhat classic Addie, some people consider them to make a place a bit too stuffy. We all know she's multi stylish. She did go from NY to Seattle to LA without missing a beat

Right Hand Blue: Sorry about the denial, it's hard I know. Thanks for reading.

Queen Satan: Aww, thanks. I'm a big fan of writing varied characters. Seattle now is requiring me to put some time into thinking about the rest of the cast and the relationships there and so on.

Happy reading…

Previously on Grey's Anatomy: Nancy and Mark reflect on Derek and Addison and the choices they made

Summary: Derek and Addison start apartment hunting and moving while wrestling with the inevitable discussions they'll have to have as they start over.

Chapter 47: A New Life

"Derek," Addison groaned as her husband's whistling cut through her blissful sleep.

"It's time to go land shopping Addie," he leaned in and kissed her forehead.

She sat up ignoring the appreciative look on his face as her thin silk nightgown left little to his imagination.

"You're acting like a school boy," she padded into the bathroom.

"I'm going hunting for land today, with my beautiful wife," he peeked into the room with a grin, "who is quite possibly the sexiest vision I've ever seen."

Addison stopped in her make up preparations to study his face. Derek had changed in the last two days. After their arrival they headed straight to a hotel and slept for twelve hours straight. They'd had lunch with Richard and Adele and walked around Pike's Place for a few hours and then finally today they were starting to look for places to build a house, and an apartment in the city to rent. Derek was thrilled; he was thriving so quickly that Addison was almost worried it was an act. But there was a nature about him, carefree, she'd not seen in years.

"Derek," she hesitated.

"Yeah," he called back.

"You seem happy," she finally said.

Seconds later he was standing behind her with his arms wrapped around her waist.

"I'm happy, I really am," he met her eyes in the mirror and while she still saw traces of sadness, she saw hope, real hope and thanked the lucky stars above she'd decided to support this move.

"Okay, get out so I can get ready in peace," she grinned tilting her head back for a quick kiss.

"Are you sure, I mean we could make some time in our day for life's pleasures," his eyebrows wiggled suggestively and she groaned in amusement.

"Tonight, get out," she urged and he headed out with a bounce in his step.

By that evening she was tired. She was exhausted really. They'd looked at six apartments, all nice, but not quite right. This was their last one, and she was hoping it would be their satisfaction.

The place had a living room, a kitchen, a balcony like porch, a master and regular bath and two bedrooms as well as a smaller study area. One floor, but livable, airy and open with a fresh hint of ocean air. It was painted in warm colors and was fairly new.

"Yes," Derek glanced at his wife's expression.

"Yes," she repeated.

"We'll take it," he sighed in relief.

Their dinner was short and enjoyable, and Addison felt herself relax. There was something about the west coast, and knowing they had a place to move their stuff into that was liberating.

"I love you," his voice broke through her thoughts and she spun her head quickly to look at him. It'd been months since he'd been so open, so spontaneous in his affections.

"I love you too," she whispered feeling tears well up.

He looked confused and then ashamed.

"I made you doubt that," he said finally.

"Question," she corrected, "I never doubted that on a fundamental level that you actually still loved me," she shook her head.

"It was hard, but I still believed in you Derek," she assured him.

"New York killed me Addie, and then the baby," a look in her direction confirmed that the openness, which had been there minutes ago, was gone. She wasn't ready yet.

"Addie baby," he sighed, "we have to talk about her at some point."

"I know Derek, but we're getting us back on track," and she fought her tears, "I got places talking to Kylie, but the baby," she let out a sob, "I'm not ready."

"Okay," he could wait, until when he didn't know, but for right now he could.

They were quiet for the remainder of the meal.

The next day they moved their things from the hotel, Derek grumbling about the inevitable moving of all their stuff when it would arrive the next day.

"After we do that, then I say we go land hunting," he proposed. Addison had wanted to put that off until they'd found their apartment and moved in. he understood her nesting instinct, but he wanted to find real land, for their real home soon.

"Okay okay," she laughed at him, "we will."

Her husband as a woodsman, well stranger things had happened. She knew Derek actually really liked getting out and doing natural things, but Addison was never a huge fan. However if they weren't too far away and she had a nice house then she figured it wouldn't be so bad.

"Derek," she sighed, realizing he was on the phone with Richard. Her fears about building and designing a house, thinking about a family again, could wait.

By nine pm, Addison was ready to order pizza and collapse on their newly assembled bed. Their things were moved in and once the movers came and they stored the boxes in the spare room, she would be at home again.

"It's raining," Derek announced and she found herself snickering.

"What?" he asked.

"It's Seattle Derek, it does rain sometimes," she reminded him and he flopped onto the couch looking exhausted.

"You okay," she asked with concern.

"I just want our house to be built yesterday and be truly settled in; it's weird to think that all this work is just going to be uprooted."

She nodded settling in next to him with her glass of white wine, "I know."

"Pizza on its way," he questioned stroking her hair.

"Yeah," she smiled, "extra large, half cheese half pepperoni."

"No veggie," he was shocked.

"Derek you may be a health freak, but first off, you've burned tons of calories and secondly I know you like a nice junky pizza every now and then," she rolled her eyes.

"As you do," he finally said clearly unable to come up with a good retort.

"Well obviously," she responded and heard a knock at their door.

"Pizza delivery," after she paid, they sat around, with paper plates, cross legged on the floor with their beer and wine respectively.

"It reminds me of studying for med school exams," she grinned, "or moving into our first apartment before we had enough money to afford the brownstone."

"I know what you mean," his mind flickered back to that time, "we were just starting out."

"Just like now," she compared and defended herself at his confused look, "we are changing it up again, we're starting over somewhere. Yes we have more money, but we're still putting down new roots."

"Fair point," he took a large bite of the pizza and grease trickled down his chin.

"Derek," she shrieked grabbing a napkin.

"What," he looked startled.

She swiped at the grease before he could figure out what was going on, "the carpet," she cleaned his face tenderly.

"The carpet," he was fighting laughter and failing.

"The carpet," she repeated.

"You screamed, like a girl, because I had grease that may, I repeat may, have hit the carpet?"

"I um," oh lord, she was blushing.

And Derek was laughing now, belly laughing, on the floor with tears in his eyes.

"Derek," she whined, "It's not funny."

"Addie, no matter what we endure as a couple, it is nice to know," he took a deep breath, "that some things can never change."

"You," she swatted at him with the napkin.

"Ew! It's greasy," he tried to scramble away and she tackled him from behind.

He flipped her over and she lay on their soft carpet still laughing as he gently stroked her face.

Then with a devilish grin he leaned in and gave her a kiss.

She wanted to tease him again about the grease, but it felt so good she suddenly found herself void of most coherent thoughts.

"We should get some sleep, we've got some stuff to move tomorrow," he looked annoyed.

"Once we recover from the final moving day," she grinned seductively, "I'll make it up to you."

"Uggg," he groaned imaging exactly what she was going to do.

"Time for someone to take a cold shower," she pushed him off and picked up their dinner remnants dumping them into the trash.

She headed for bed leaving Derek sitting on the couch finishing his beer.

She was right, he was happy. Derke understood her confusion at times; it was odd perhaps that he changed over night. Although they still had issues, trust ones perhaps and their baby, to talk through together, he was finally feeling optimistic. After losing their child, almost losing her, and finally himself to the world he fought so often when he was younger, well he had changed. His outlook was different and he valued life, or the parts of it, like he should have for years. Addison and their, hopeful, family were first, his job second. He loved his work, he was good at it, and he never wanted to give it up, but once they settled in and started work, he would be teaching his skills to new people, new interns and that thought was something that was enlivening. He knew Addison was going to make a wonderful teacher as well. Her unique blend of caring and professionalism would produce a group of excellent doctors. He only hoped that she was still able to deal with the tragedies as well. That was something she could finally relate to, and he fervently wished it wasn't so. The sounds of her in their bedroom getting ready for bed were soothing. Those sounds were almost foreign to him he realized with a jolt. In the recent months, between work, and him living in a hotel, he'd forgotten them, or rather longed for them and been unable to remember them clearly.

Living in a hotel was something he'd wanted to avoid in Seattle and therefore had been less resistant to their long hours of house and apartment hunting than Addison may have expected. He still hadn't told her how awful he felt, or how hard it had been living away from her. It was his doing, this he knew, yet that didn't make it any easier. He would long for her on those nights, wishing she could tell him it was alright, and then wish he could hold her and feel their baby. He'd had so little time to get to know their child, in private away from work, because he wasn't there. Derek was forgiving, and he didn't resent her for it, if anything he hated his own pride and stupidity, but the human heart is easily hurt…no matter what choices the brain makes for the person. Derek was hurting, and the memories of those isolated nights hurt.

Addison climbed into bed, Derek was still in the living room and she was tempted to check on him. Somehow though, it seemed like he wanted to be alone. He was still struggling with things, and she knew that eventually he'd tell her how bad it was, and she knew that she was avoiding talking about the baby and the guilt she felt, it was probably the same for him. Maybe it would be better to talk, but she couldn't. The problem was, she didn't really want to do that, ever. Mending a marriage required trust, required getting to know him, all of him and letting him back into her heart, but she didn't want to hurt again like she had. She was still afraid of his power over her. She said to herself that moving on without him, even to someone else, would have never happened. Derek was the only one she'd love, but his behavior had signaled to her that perhaps he didn't love her enough to fight like she needed him to. After all, her standards were too high for him, and that was her own fault. Would she have married again? If they'd divorced, perhaps for security, but never for love, and boy was that a scary thought.

Derek had been having an affair with his work, and although he had not betrayed her physically, she'd felt separated from him and that hurt. There was pain on his end she knew, and in order to begin anew, the pain would have to be confronted, dealt with and processed fully before such beginnings could take place. She was a chicken, god she was, but she hated this limbo stage of not wanting to do something and seeing no good way out. In the end her marriage, or the prosperity of it, overruled all other hesitations, it had to be enough to push through her own uncertainties. So lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear him come in.

Derek studied his wife, she was curled on her side but she was awake, and lost to her own world. He wanted to say something, but brushed his teeth first and then after sliding under the covers he spoke.

"Babe, you okay," it was a simple question.

"Just thinking about our future," not a simple answer.

"Yeah," he stroked her arm gently.

"We need to start trusting each other with the guilt we both feel and the hurt, even if we're responsible for causing parts of it," the straight-forwardness of her statement knocked him in the gut. How had she known what he was thinking?

His shock must have showed outwardly because she smiled at him weakly, "I think about it all the time too, between wanting to share and build our marriage, not wanting to hurt you and not opening myself up to being hurt again."

"I know," he whispered.

"Soon," she promised him, "soon."

"I do love you," he kissed her gently, "I've never been more certain of that."

"Better get your beauty sleep, boxes wait," she teased and was gratified to see him roll his eyes.

He switched off his light and she rolled over facing away from him, seconds later his arms pulled her close.

"Night Addie," he murmured against her ear.

"Night," she mumbled back already falling asleep in his strong embrace.


	48. A New Home

300+ Thanks all I really appreciate hearing your thoughts!

Usual disclaimer applies. I know that the end of the season had Derek and Meredith on the land, I didn't rip the idea, it was in there all along because Derek always had his trailer there and I figured that when they moved out there, he would still have land like in the show, but I decided not to have the trailer involved. Therefore, I don't claim anything to the idea as I got it from the show, any way you look at it; none of it is mine anyway.

Other notes: this chapter is a summary or transition chapter if you like. I went back and re-read for details I'd forgotten (one of many reasons it's been so long since an update), and then tried to write something that would give our favorite couple some closure, without neatly tying up all New York ends. You all may remember such details, but I sure as heck don't. Therefore I did a list of incidents that have occurred so when I reference them in this chapter and in the future, it'll be a little easier to catch up. So here goes, and if you have time please do provide some feedback on the various plot lines. If interest is expressed in some "issue areas" I will try and keep those going more in the forefront of the Seattle arc.

Okay….here goes.

Previously:

Addison decides that since Derek cannot seem to understand what she wants from him, and how difficult his choices of working are being on her, that she wants to move out, he volunteers to go instead

Addison feels desperately alone and kisses Mark when they're cooking dinner together

Derek and Addison fight, but ultimately he forgives her, except for when Pete answers the door. Addison accuses Derek of not trusting her. Derek is defensive, their fight is mostly ended by her accidentally cutting her hand and semi-apologies for taking Pete baby shopping. The trust issue is not entirely smoothed over.

The malpractice case is dropped, Derek heads to Seattle for a conference leaving Addison behind just for a weekend, Addison has a pregnancy scare and he rushes back

Derek leaves a sweet voice message for Addison leading her to believe he's going to talk to Donald about changes in his position after she is concerned about him always being gone, partly connected to Seattle.

Derek leaves a note for Donald asking about making changes, the note blows off the counter and when Addison talks to Donald she finds out Derek never talked to him and Donald is retiring in six months. She figures Derek lied intentionally and does not give him a chance to explain

She and Derek have a huge fight; he does leave, but stays outside and when he checks on her she is having a miscarriage.

Derek's guilt overtakes him completely, and his depression begins to rear its' head, Mark worries about him and Derek talks to Donald to find out what happened to the note.

Derek tells Addison about the baby; their marriage and the note incident take a back-seat in their mutual grief

Addison begins to shut him out and Derek doesn't know what to do.

At the funeral, Derek overhears Addison telling Pete that she is angry with him and that he's probably relieved about the death of the baby because he didn't really want it to begin with

Derek gets drunk with Pete watching over his shoulder and then he goes to Mark's where the depression and drinking get to him. Mark yells at Addison and after Naomi kicks some sense into her, Addison calls Derek's phone and then Mark's. Mark texts her and tells her to figure stuff out quickly.

Addison goes to see Kylie at Mark's suggestion. Kylie helps Addison figure out a few things. One she urges Addison to figure out what she really wants from Derek and to stop trying to send mixed messages. Two she asks Addison to come up with a statement and a question for him.

Addison goes to see Derek and tells him that she wants to dance with him like they used to and that she was sorry for blaming him and that she needs him in her life. Derek goes home, and Mark is concerned that Derek is hiding his own problems

Addison is worried about him, and his drinking. When she is talking to Kylie she says she wants to help him. Eventually she realizes that by releasing Derek from blame is the only thing she can do. That it wasn't his fault anymore than it was hers because she blamed him and didn't let him explain the situation about Donald. She has too high of expectations when it comes right down to it. She comes home and finds him passed out on the couch, she apologizes for everything, begs him not to let this drinking destroy them and then if he misses her. He says yes because it is true but also because he knows that is what he is supposed to say now.

He goes to the bar with Mark and Mark calls him on his drinking and lack of really meaning what he says. Derek realizes Mark is right and admits to his friend that everything is dark.

Richard offers them a way out….and that is close enough to present I think. Without further ado….

Summary: Addison and Derek rehash some old wounds

Warning: This chapter is more along the "M" lines at the end

Chapter 48: A New Home

"Derek," she was on the ferry, a ferryboat.

"Yes," he was smiling, looking dashing, and the wind was blowing through his hair, her heart ached at how handsome he was.

"What," he glanced at her curiously.

She was about to complain loudly about the fact that their route to work was going to include a damn ferryboat. But she couldn't.

"Nothing," she linked his arm as they walked to their car.

When they pulled up in the middle of nowhere to an open field, she felt her heart twinge, while she hated the idea of living so far away, she also saw exactly what her husband loved about the land.

They walked up to the top of the hill and stared out across the water.

"Wow," she finally said softly.

"I want to build you a house right here Addie, with anything you want in it, but it'll be our house," he smiled at her and put his arms around her.

"Okay," she felt a smile creep across her face.

"Is this okay," he waited, "I know it's far away."

"It's beautiful Derek," she assured him.

Derek stood there staring, it was the land where he and Addison would grow old together, and it would be a new start on this field. He'd put down real roots for them, and his promise of a new commitment with new priorities.

"It'll have a nice big yard for the kids," her words shocked him.

"What," he turned her to face him, and searched her eyes.

"I miss her Derek," she whispered and her eyes met his filled with tears.

"I know," he sighed softly.

"Everything that happened seems like a nightmare, I had so many wishes and hopes and dreams," she wiped her eyes, "I thought they died with her."

He waited uncertainly.

"But they didn't," she continued with a breath, "they're still alive Derek, I want us to have a family again someday."  
"You're sure," he didn't dare push.

"Not yet, she's still so real to me," Addison sighed, "but this is a new start, and I think she'd want us to have someone to love and care for."

"I know she would," he assured her kissing her forehead and pulling her tightly into his arms.

Addison relished being held and then suddenly the tears began to flow, here in this quiet place with the thought of starting over with her husband the strain of the previous months hit her in earnest.

Derek cradled her and eased them down to the grass holding her as she sobbed.

"Oh Addie," he whispered sadly.

"Derek," she wept.

He watched her face as she turned her head sideways to glance at him.

"I've really missed you," he said in earnest this time, before in New York it was true, but it was hollow.

"I know," she nodded, "me too." She was facing ahead again.

"I'm so sorry for ever making you doubt that I loved you," he continued.

"I know," she said again, "but I wasn't clear that I just wanted you and that I didn't care if you weren't perfect. I should have told you that I really did need you and that I missed us."

"I shouldn't have put you in that situation," he sighed.

"I didn't mean to make you move out," she whispered and he said nothing.

Addison knew she'd hit a nerve, although at the time it was a needed wake-up call, his feelings of loneliness and abandonment, of confusion and fear of losing her must have contributed to his recent meltdown, another something they had not talked about.

"It was something you had to do," he finally sighed.

"But I hurt you," she countered again to no response.

"I'm so sorry Derek," she meant it with all her heart and he squeezed her gently.

"I know," he echoed her previous line.

"Do you still trust me," she waited.

"Mark," he finally responded, "and Pete," his voice was flat, not questioning.

"Yeah," her heart pounded.

"I do," he said it firmly, but she was hesitant.

"I just felt so hurt Addie, even though," he sighed, "you made me move out," he stopped realizing how that sounded.

"I'm sorry," she repeated it, "but you did volunteer to go."

"Yeah," he didn't want to start another fight.

"What," she forced herself to stay calm. Getting annoyed would not help.

"You didn't give me much choice in that, I'm a good enough guy not to even think of letting my pregnant wife move out," he muttered.

She realized he was right, "so I can admit to being passive aggressive and you'll let it go," she suggested.

"Okay," he sighed, "anyway, it seemed like even though we were taking a break, that you were falling for Mark."

She realized his internal struggle, "I never should have done that to you. That kiss meant nothing Derek."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you had your panic attack," he realized that was something they'd never talked about either.

"It is okay Derek, Mark was…" her voice trailed off.

"Mark was there," he finished feeling slightly bitter but he forced himself to look again at her side.

"Because I wasn't," he continued relenting to the facts.

"I felt betrayed Derek, and I didn't want to call you, I didn't even know if I'd get through, and I didn't know if you'd even…" and once again she trailed off.

"If I'd even come," he whispered feeling the guilt creep up again. He'd hurt her so badly that day. That awful day he'd told her he was taking the job.

"Yeah," she paused, "I don't blame you Derek, you shouldn't blame yourself, it just happened."

"Then Pete," he waited.

"Pete is just a friend of Naomi's," she hesitated, "mine by extension."

"He went baby shopping with you," Derek reminded her.

"Yes Derek, because he was carrying things," she rolled her eyes internally.

"That was my job," he shot back.

"Tell me why I should have trusted you'd show up," she retorted.

"I took a day off after you told me about the baby," he argued.

"Was that Mark's idea too," she growled and Derek paused realizing what she was talking about.

"No," he said in a deadly quiet voice.

"But the airport thing was," she clarified and he nodded.

"You didn't even remember when I was getting back," she continued and he was silent.

"I didn't," better to be truthful he supposed.

"I wanted you back, and then you decided to go Seattle and then I had," her voice shook.

"You had the pregnancy scare, I came back as fast as I could," he defended.

"You just got finished up with the case!" her voice rose, "and that was your excuse for being gone the whole time before that, the reason I cut you slack even though in the future I knew that as chief it would happen over and over. Even when it was done and gone, you still chose to go to Seattle after all of that and you left me. You should have been there to begin with," she was angry now, "Mark was there again Derek!"

Derek wanted to retort, but he had no real answer.

"I know," he had no choice because that was the whole truth. He didn't have to leave.

"Then the note," she whispered, "the damn note changed it all."

"It was more than a note Addie," he sighed.

"We were both to blame for that," she sniffed.

"We never talked about it," he responded.

"Yeah," Addison took a breath, "I should have let you finish explaining, but that was the last straw for me I think at that point."

"I understand," he did too, the final black X, and in reality he didn't have much of a right to expect her to give him the chance to explain yet again, why he had apparently failed her. Failure, a terrible word, he did it so much for her, and then the baby's death was the ultimate failure. Derek swallowed hard and Addison sensed the change in his mood almost instantly.

"Derek," her tone was concerned.

"Sorry, what," he tried to snap out of it.

"Where did you go," she questioned.

"Nowhere, what did you ask," he waited.

"I didn't ask anything, you were silent," she was still not facing him, it was easier to talk in his arms without watching his face, but she suddenly wished she could see it. His eyes wouldn't have been focused she knew that for sure.

"It's nothing," he insisted.

"Bull," she argued, and then toned her voice down, "Derek, talk to me please," she begged.

Derek could almost feel Mark beside him glaring.

"Failure," he finally said.

She said nothing remembering how they'd talked about his fear of failing at his job and then balancing his life. All her demands had made him feel like a failure.

"I was too hard on you, without being clear of what I really needed," she admitted, "which was just you."

"And I didn't give you me, what's more I made you feel guilty if you considered standing in front of my dream of being chief, I shouldn't have done that," he whispered.

He was right, they both knew that, but there was little they could do to change that.

"Your depression Derek," she pressed harder now.

"I'm sorry I failed her," this time a sob caught in his voice and she held his arms closer to her waist.

"You DID NOT," her voice was solid, more so than rock. There no falsity, waver or quivering in it, no uncertainty.

"Yes I did, if I hadn't made you doubt," he was cut off.

"If I had given you a chance to explain," she argued back.

"If I hadn't given you so much reason to doubt to begin with," he countered and they fell silent.

"Back to the depression Derek," he was way too good at avoiding this and Addison realized that throughout their whole marriage other things had always masked it, and required her attention more pressingly, or so she thought. Really, she'd just been too distracted.

"Addison," his tone was warning and she ignored it.

"You did not fail me," she hesitated, "or her Derek, you didn't."

He said nothing.

"It was beyond your control," Kylie's words floated into her head, "and Derek, it was a hard pregnancy from the start, we both knew that."

"I was absent," he whispered.

"At the funeral, you were the only thing grounding me," she expected that to reassure him but he stiffened and Addison cursed herself inwardly for mentioning that. Another can of worms was now open. He was silent remembering the conversation with Pete, how his heart shattered, how she confirmed his worst fears, how his entire world fell apart hearing the venom in her voice. They hadn't talked about any of the events up to that point and it was clear to him that she blamed him, but to think he could even be alright with losing their child? That killed him in a place so deep he hadn't realized it existed, pain had never hit so harshly.

"Derek," no response.

"Derek!" louder this time because she was afraid he was leaving her again.

"Huh," a quiet detached sound.

She turned on the grass facing him and the pain in his eyes took her breath away.

"Derek, look at me," she urged.

He met her eyes with the absolute devastation of that day fully present.

"I love you," she whispered, "I never meant that."

"You should have meant it." He muttered looking down, "you were justified."

"NO!" her shout got through to him.

"I was not," she searched his eyes frantically, "I was not Derek, god never think that I," she felt tears spilling over. She had no right to hurt him like that. Certainly he'd done his fair share of damage to her emotionally, but in the end, it was more than the little things, but the bigger things and this one. This was something she feared she could never undo. This sent him over the edge; he'd almost managed to leave her forever. She could still remember finding him passed out on the couch that day, his eyes unfocused on her face as he struggled to remember. He could have died if it had not been for Richard calling.

"I had no right, no justification for thinking that of you," she said softly.

"Yeah, you did," he sounded defeated.

"Derek Shepherd," she growled.

He studied her finally seeing her anger.

"What?"

"I can accuse you of a lot of things, being absent, not seeing me, not listening, backing me into a corner," she sighed, "and you can accuse me of holding standards too high, being passive aggressive, or not saying what I needed when I needed it…" she met his eyes evenly, "I can never be justified in accusing you of not wanting this baby."

He waited.

"Even when you were away all those nights, or absent, I never doubted how much you loved it from the moment you knew, even when you were trying to figure out what it meant for us, you still loved it, the way you touched my belly, talked to it, planned for our future, dreamed of the perfect life," she smiled at him, "it was always loved Derek, I never felt otherwise."

"Really?" Small and uncertain, almost in disbelief he questioned her.

"Really, sometimes I felt like you might resent the fact that we could hold you back from giving your all to your job," she hesitated, "that never translated into you not loving her, and not wanting her."

"Why did you say it," the million dollar question.

"Because I didn't want to blame myself and because I did blame myself. I did a lot of things wrong Derek; you were not the only one. I didn't appreciate you enough, the performance you were trying to pull off, the need for perfection, the fear of fatherhood, failure, or know about your depression," back again to a central element.

He closed his eyes feeling a huge tiredness overtake his body.

"Not now Addie," he begged softly.

"Promise me that you won't continue to try and convince yourself that I was right in saying that," she rephrased, "promise that you won't remain convinced."

"I promise," he did believe her seeing her eyes; she had never truly blamed him for that.

"I blamed you for other things that were a true result of both our behavior," she sighed, "but not that, not really."

"Okay," that was all that needed to be said.

"We can talk another time," she offered him an out satisfied they had at least discussed one big thing.

He managed a weak smile, "we are starting over," he said finally.

"But that doesn't mean all those months of crossed lines, of fights, of events are going away," she sighed, "we still have to face what they did to our marriage Derek and work beyond it otherwise we won't be building any better of a foundation here."

"I promised you a real house," he stared at her earnestly, "from the design to the building, ours, and it'll be a damn good one too from the foundation up."

She knew what he was referring to, "I know Derek."

They stood and headed back towards the car together.

When they arrived at the apartment Addison turned to him once inside, she met his eyes lovingly, "I love you Derek, I never stopped."

He seized her lips desperately, there was a fear, a lost-ness in it that startled and worried her. She had lost him today, for the first time since leaving New York, a flicker of the old and lost Derek had come back. She knew he had been on a high by moving, but she never believed his depression was gone. She was right and he needed her. Addison loved hot dirty sex and she missed that with Derek, but tonight was about him. Her husband was struggling with internal vulnerabilities she never knew ate away at him before; not like this. She'd seen, and ignored, the signs and her guilt almost overwhelmed her.

"Addie," he whispered.

She led him to the bedroom and they undressed in silence. She caressed his cheeks and placed kisses on his forehead. She then moved in back of him and planted kisses on his shoulders gently massaging his back with her hands.

He relaxed under her touch.

"Addie," he whispered again this time more urgently.

She straddled him on the bed and leaned down to kiss him while he undid her bra.

Her kisses remained gentle, and soothing.

Eventually she could feel how aroused he was and she took him gently into her. He moaned in relief and although he wasn't outwardly crying, his eyes spoke volumes.

"I love you," she whispered leaning in wishing she could take back her words to Pete all those weeks ago.

"I know," he kissed her back with a new passion.

"You're so wet," his eyes had gained some life and she smiled in relief.

"I know," she purred.

"God Addie, I feel," he hesitated suddenly uncertain.

"Talk to me," maybe he had needed this to feel connected, she slowed her movements waiting.

"I feel whole," he admitted, "you keep me here sometimes when I swear I could just…" he trailed off.

"I won't let you leave me," she promised him, "I'm always here Derek, whenever you need me, whatever you need me for."

"I don't just mean sex," he was mortified that she might think that.

"I know," she said quickly, "but it's okay too Derek."

He was still slightly embarrassed how that might have sounded; she hesitated briefly and then squeezed him with her inner muscles.

"God Addison," his head flew back.

He managed to let her pleasure him for a while, but eventually he took control feeling a new feeling surge through him, a new energy and he rolled her over. She shrieked and then kissed him in response relieved at his sudden take charge nature.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," she whispered.

"I'll try and let you in," he sighed realizing she was still worried, "Mark is really the one who knew all the way along, it got better with you, after I met you, it's been okay for a long time."

He saw her face, "and you did not make it come back, it's just that you've always held it at bay and our distance, both of us, has been harder than I thought, after her," he couldn't go on and she didn't force him.

Derek began to thrust in earnest and Addison moaned.

"Yes Derek," she begged.

"Come for me," he loved to watch her.

"Ah," she gasped feeling the sensations take hold.

He slipped his hand in between them and she cried out in desperation.

"Derek," she sobbed his name as she came; he watched the entire thing feeling the love for her bubbling up. She was the most wonderful creature he'd ever seen.

"You didn't," she noticed his grimace but he just shook his head waiting.

"Derek," she tried to roll them.

"Wait," he urged her.

After a few minutes he began to move again in her and as his lips moved to her bare breasts she felt the tingles begin again. How she'd missed this.

"Oh god," she murmured.

"Wrap your legs around me," he moved one leg above his shoulder holding her still.

She wrapped the other one tightly around him and he held her open and helpless against the onslaught of his movements.

"Derek, please," she whimpered, the sensations were increasing and she could hardly believe that she was going to come again so soon. The man was a god in bed.

"Please what," he teased.

"I need to," she couldn't finish her sentence.

"Yes?" He slowed.

"No, don't!" she panicked and he continued grinning, she slumped seconds later feeling her entire body spent.

"You still didn't," she could hardly believe his stamina.

"Why?" she questioned.

He just smiled and through sheer willpower he pulled out. She stared at him, he was huge, and then he was spooning behind her.

"What," she tried to look at him.

"Shussh," he murmured in her ear, "I'm going to make you come for a third time, and it's going to be harder than the other two."

"How," she didn't know if she could take it, "Derek I don't think I can."

"You can," he bit her earlobe and she groaned in spite of herself.

"I don't know if I can take it," she admitted.

"You can, and you will, your body is going to take me and it because you still want me" he lifted her leg and slid up into her almost gasping at the sense of relief. She couldn't deny it.

He wrapped his right arm around her hips to steady her and rested his hand between her legs, she tensed.

"Relax baby," he kissed her cheek and slid his other arm underneath her to cup her left breast.

She couldn't even think as his began to move in her, he pinched her nipple hard and she shuddered. When his talented fingers found her bundle of nerves she cried out.

"I want to make you fall apart," he whispered in her ear.

"More," she begged.

"More what," he waited.

"Harder," she urged finally and his movements increased, he was pounding so deeply into her that she was grunting with every thrust.

"You feel so good baby," he knew that she could come again, even if she didn't think so.

"Derek, I'm so tired," she whispered, "I don't know if…" she hated to disappoint him.

Derek grinned to himself; they hadn't had sex in long enough so she'd forgotten his abilities a bit…clearly.

"Do you know what you do to me," he started talking feeling her surrender to his hand.

"Uhhh," no coherency from her at the moment.

"Do you know what it is like, to be inside of you," he continued, "to feel your heat, to feel you stretch for me?"

She felt herself beginning to writhe and she put her hand on his neck pulling him closer and trying to kiss him.

Derek appreciated her gesture, but he was far more interested in proving her wrong and as her lips met his, he began to rub her harder and she broke the kiss crying out.

"You feel how close I am," he urged, "I want you to come with me Addie, let go."

"Yes," she gasped.

"What," he was holding back for her now.

"I need to come," she finally admitted her body somehow tightening unbearably for a third time.

"Come on, come on, for me baby, let it go," and then she broke a mess in his arms feeling him explode with her.

Derek saw stars, and slumped next to her.

Hearing a sniff he turned her head sideways and peered at her.

"I'm okay," she assured him, "I've missed you so much, in so many ways," she explained.

He held her tightly, "you have no idea."

For the moment he reflected, things were looking brighter, and although they were still in pain, they were trying to heal together.

Whew done. Please review and I apologize for the delays. One exam left to go and then I fly home. Hopefully I'll be able to update more frequently after that.


	49. Seattle Grace

Chapter 49: Seattle Grace

Hey all, huge apologies on delays here. First moving home and then major writer's block and finally wanting to figure out some new character dynamics. I think to keep myself from getting overwhelmed I'm going to use relationship ideas from the show. I just haven't decided all of them yet. First off, Burke is still there, and this is most likely going to result in a Burke and Christina pairing. Beyond that, I'm still debating so I'm going to write the characters mostly alone in this first Seattle Grace chapter and hopefully will be inspired beyond that. Also I am not a huge fan of the actual characters of Callie Torres and Erica Hahn. They might be around but I have so many more central characters to figure out that they will come last on the radar. We're also back in the intern years with our main cast. Usual disclaimer applies, just borrowing for creative fun.

Simbagirl: It's always nice to mix the two, gets people's emotions all over the place.

Queen Satan: The depression won't crop up for a little bit, but hopefully when it does, they will be able to work it out together. Without Mark around as much who knows how it'll work.

addiekatefan: Hahaha, thanks and I'm glad too. Angst is good, productive angst is even better.

crazy-chica6: You like, good. Fedex, sorry as I don't own them :)

McDayDreaming: Thanks, and no it isn't necessarily reasonable, but she can help and support him in getting help.

Right Hand Blue: Awww, thanks.

Previously: A long and painful chat leads to some closure, in some things

Summary: an introduction to Seattle Grace and its inhabitants as well as dinner with the Webers

And without further ado:

"Good morning," Richard beamed at them as he opened the door to his office.

"Hi Richard," Addison tilted her cheek for the kiss he offered and Derek shook his hand.

"Have a seat," he offered.

"You're going to be getting a grand tour today," he hesitated, "and I'll introduce you to whoever isn't tied up. You'll start full shifts tomorrow."

"That sounds good," Derek was excited to begin work

"Now it is a teaching hospital, and you'll have a pool of interns to pick from," Richard continued, "there are a few residents who have groups of interns, but I find personally that the Nazi's group is the most prepared."

Addison almost choked on the glass of water Richard had provided, "I'm sorry?"

"You'll understand after you see her in action," Richard assured her.

The three of them stood and just then Derek noticed a familiar face on the walkway.

"Is that Meredith Grey," he asked.

"Oh that's right," Richard opened the door for Addison, "I forgot you met."

"Met," Addison questioned.

"When I was out here last," Derek didn't elaborate as they approached the intern.

"Meredith," Richard called and the young petite blonde looked up from her chart.

"Chief," she said.

"This is Addison Shepherd," and Addison stuck her hand out, the young woman gave her a friendly smile.

"It's an honor Dr. Montgomery Shepherd," she said, "I can't believe you're both going to be teaching here."

Addison had been unable to ignore the flash of uncertainty when she noted how attractive the young woman was and that Derek knew her. Now she was much more at ease, Meredith seemed friendly and outgoing.

"And you know Dr. Derek Shepherd," Richard turned towards Derek as he shook hands with Meredith.

"How's Gracie," he asked her curiously.

Meredith gave a quick smile, "as precocious as ever," she assured him.

"Gracie," Addison questioned.

"MY daughter, who is quite possibly one of the most tireless children to walk the planet," Meredith explained.

This time Addison was unable to squash the jealousy but it was for a whole different reason.

An intern with a daughter, an intern who was surviving the prestigious Seattle Grace intern program? What was she, super woman?

"Chief, I'm sorry, but Dr. Bailey wanted these charts…" Richard cut her off with a nod.

"Grey!" the four of them focused in on a short and stout woman, with fists planted on her hips.

"Coming," Meredith scrambled towards her resident and the resident scowled.

"Pit now, go," three words and the young intern was gone.

"The Nazi," Richard said quietly as she stared after her frantic intern.

Bailey made her way towards the three, "Miranda Bailey," she introduced herself.

"Addison Shepherd," Addison was beginning to think that she could live up to her name regarding interns, but she was also someone Addison knew she would come to admire and respect.

"Derek," Derek smiled as he extended his hand.

Miranda studied him briefly before glancing at the chief, "you're expecting my interns, or any other female in this hospital to get work done?"

Her tone was teasing and although normally Addison would have taken offense, she could only laugh.

"We're used to it," she assured the resident.

"I can imagine, you two must turn heads," the Nazi's pager suddenly went off.

"Chief," she hesitated.

"Go," Richard nodded, "we'll see you later."

The young woman was off and running.

"Wow," Derek muttered.

"She's a handful, but her interns are always the best," Richard assured him.

Just then they heard loud voices downstairs and peered over the railing.

"I want the surgery damn it Izzie, you know I earned it, what do I have to do," the young Asian woman with frizzy hair was fixing the tall blonde with a glare.

"Forget it," the other turned and headed in the opposite direction.

"I'll do anything for you, all the pit work for a week," the begging began.

Richard sighed pulling back and heading onwards to the elevators.

"Who were those interns," Derek laughed softly under his breath, recognizing the eager attitudes.

"Christina Yang, one of the most talented interns, or should I say dedicated, to pass through our doors recently and Izzie Stevens, a compassionate and determined young woman who was a former model and seems to have found a true calling now," Richard entered the elevator after Addison.

"A model," Addison was shocked.

"Yes, but she's good," Richard assured her, "loves children, she may be a good intern for you Addison, they're both Bailey's."

"What about Christina's interests," Derek questioned.

"Anything hard," the Chief chuckled, "heart surgery right now, at least it seems to be her calling."

"Brain surgeries interest anyone on Bailey's team," Derek asked.

"Meredith Grey," he said.

Addison felt a slight flash of uncertainty again, and Derek noticed.

"You okay," he whispered.

She just nodded but he knew her. Just then the Chief was pulled aside by a surgeon and the couple stopped a few steps away.

"I think we need to find some closets," Derek grinned suggestively at Addison, "for future use."

"Derek," but she knew what he really meant. He had no interest in any of the interns, except to train and teach to be great surgeons. He liked to mentor up and coming students and he was an excellent teacher. It was no different then him working in New York with other women, married or otherwise. Derek had never cheated and he was not the type. Not when they were this happy and starting over. If Addison was really forced to look at their marriage, her kiss with Mark had invalidated much of her own obsessing over Derek's actions.

Richard caught up with them and Derek took her hand as they continued through the busy halls. He showed them the various OR rooms, post-op beds, nurses stations, boards and where the supplies were kept.

"We run a tight ship, our nurses are all excellent, but I do believe in surgeons treating them with respect, they make our lives easier every day," Richard urged them.

"Of course," Addison nodded.

"Now Derek, I'm going to introduce you to your competition, or rather, the one who I decided to not hire for your position as head of neurosurgery," Richard smiled and Derek managed a grin.

"Preston," the tall black gentleman turned hearing his name and gave a smile in their direction.

"Chief," calm, his response was almost too calm.

"Dr. Preston Burke, this is Dr. Derek Shepherd," Derek shook his hand studying the man. He was difficult to read, the smug and quiet type, but Derek knew underneath that was a man who was probably equal to him talent wise in every way.

"And his wife Dr. Addison Montgomery Shepherd," he continued.

To all of their surprise, Burke offered Addison a real smile as he shook her hand.

"A pleasure," he said and Addison frowned wondering where the smile was so familiar from.

"I've met you once before," she remembered.

"Briefly," he relaxed slightly, "a conference."

He had been pleasant then and although Addison had a feeling her husband was going to have some trouble with him, she liked him and that was good enough for her.

Derek was amused by his wife's ease of conversation.

As they walked away he rolled his eyes at her, "don't gang up on me, I've got to run the board with him."

"Duly noted," she said.

"I'd say he feels threatened by you because you're so good and eventually you'll be competing for Chief of Surgery here," she hazarded a guess and Derek could only shrug.

"Makes sense" and they continued a step behind the Chief.

Just as they reached the end of the hall, a rushing force collided with Richard, and narrowly missed Derek.

"O'Malley, no running!" The Chief glared at him.

"Chief, oh I'm so sorry but Dr. Bailey," the doe-eyed man looked mortified and the Chief just shook his head cutting him off.

"Dr. Shepherd," he turned to Derek, "George O'Malley, another of Bailey's interns."

"Pleased to meet you," Derek shook the boy's hand as he stood from gathering up his charts.

"Likewise," the intern smiled.

"And his wife, Dr. Montgumery-Shepherd," the Chief continued.

George looked confused, "wait, you're THE Shepherds?"

"This is why I hired you," Richard turned back towards them, "your reputation is impeccable."

Addison smiled, "It's nice to meet you George."

"You too Ma'am, I mean Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Montgumery Shepherd," he stammered.

"Uh Chief, if I don't get to the exam room with these charts, Bailey is going to…" he hesitated.

"Go," and he was off and running.

"Bailey seems to be quite the boss," Derek finally said.

"She keeps them on their toes," Richard chuckled, "you've met all but one, Alex Karev who I believe is in surgery right now."

Next they walked through the NICU unit and Addison felt her heart clench at the sight of all the little babies.

Derek noted the quietness that settled on her and her smile wasn't quite as big and genuine as it had been while meeting people. He had a sudden concern; maybe she wasn't ready for this.

"Addie," he questioned quietly while Richard was checking his pager.

"It's okay," she sighed, "they need my help."

"Yes they do," Richard heard only the last part and due to his need to go assist somewhere wasn't seeing her expression.

"On that note, Addison, I'm going to introduce you to Molly Griffen, she's going to be your second in command from now on."  
"Dr. Shepherd," the young woman looked confident and friendly, "it's a pleasure to meet you. Anything you need to make the transition easier and I hope you will just let me know."

"I will, thank you," Addison was grateful for the young woman's offer, maybe this wouldn't be so difficult.

The Chief hesitated, "feel free to explore, and introduce yourselves, tomorrow you can both stop by my office and then we'll get you to work, Adele would like you over for dinner tonight, she said to just call and let her know."

They glanced at each other after Richard left, "let's head home," Derek suggested.

Addison nodded secretly grateful he wanted to leave as well.

He put his arm around her as they headed to the car, "it'll be okay," he promised.

"I like it here," she assured him, "I'm just feeling overwhelmed is all."

He didn't press her, if she wanted to talk she would.

"Dinner," he asked.

"Yes, it'll be good to see Adele," she smiled at the thought of the woman who in earlier days had been more of a mentor to her and mother figure than her own.

"She is going to bring up…" her husband's voice trailed off.

"I know," she could only hope Adele didn't want to dwell on it with her.

They headed to Adele and Richard's around six and they were met in much the same way that Derek had been greeted months ago.

"Derek!" the little girl ran out of the house and Lexie was a few steps behind her; still too slow.

As Derek scooped her up, Addison realized it was Meredith's daughter – she looked exactly like her mother – and a surge of sadness swept through her. It was like her dream was being lived out right in front of her.

She looked down hoping to compose herself, and when her husband started to introduce her to Gracie the tears were mostly under control.

Derek held the little one in his arms and spun to face his wife, "Gracie this is…" and he hesitated seeing the masked emotions in her eyes. Feeling instantly apologetic he probed her eyes with his and she smiled brilliantly – with a grief that almost broke him.

"This is my wife Addison," he continued.

"Hi," she mumbled suddenly shy and burying her face in Derek's shoulder.

Addison couldn't help but be touched.

"It's nice to meet you Gracie," she tried.

Lexie smiled at her, "she'll warm up to you soon," and then turning to Derek, "not much has changed; I still can't keep up with her."

"Children do have boundless energy," he smiled and headed towards the house with Lexie still holding Gracie.

Addison took a deep breath and followed him in, it had been months or almost years, since she'd seen Derek with a child that age in his arms.

Suddenly she wanted a family more than anything, the desperation in her heart threatened to consume her. Putting on a brave face she stepped up next to her husband as they entered the house.

"Addison," Adele's arms were around her seconds later.

"Hi Adele," she returned the hug.

"You look good," Adele studied her, and then seeing perhaps the turmoil in her friend's eyes she pulled her into the kitchen.

"So," Adele prompted as she poured Addison a glass of wine and continued to cook.

"Yes," Addison looked up.

"Why the miserable face, is my husband that annoying at work," Adele teased lightly.

"No, it's Gracie," hard to avoid honesty with Adele, she always knew when Addison was trying to pull wool over her eyes.

"She's adorable isn't she," Adele noted.

"She adores Derek," Addison sighed.

"He has a way with children," Adele affirmed Addison's own thoughts.

"I would be about seven months pregnant," Addison whispered.

"I know sweetie," Adele turned to her, "and when you're ready to try again, you'll treasure every moment even more knowing what could happen and the joy that awaits you."

"How does Meredith do it," Addison asked curiously.

"Well, she has us, Lexie is going back to school soon, but she will be here for the rest of the summer helping out, and I don't have a job," Adele smiled.

"We love Meredith like family," she continued, "after Ellis went into a nursing home," she sighed, "and of course there was Gracie, it seemed like the least we could do. Ellis was always distant, but she was a good friend of Richard's and we watched Meredith grow up."

Just then the front door opened, "hi Adele," Addison thought she recognized Meredith's voice.

"Mommy, mommy, mommy," little feet thundered towards the hallway seconds later.

Addison and Adele appeared in the doorway in time to watch the blonde bullet launch herself into the slender woman's arms.

Meredith held her daughter close to her, "hi baby."

"Derek, and" she hesitated looking puzzled, "her," she said finally pointing towards Addison, "are here visiting."

"Oh," Meredith looked briefly startled and then smiled, "Dr. Shepherd."

"Please call me Addison while we're not in the hospital," she offered the young woman hoping to ease the instant nervousness in Meredith's eyes.

"It's good to see you again," Meredith set Gracie down only to be pulled into the living room by her daughter who was eager to show her the drawings she'd made in the afternoon.

"She seems like a great mom," Addison already could sense the younger woman's love and dedication to her daughter.

"I just don't know how she can do intern grunt work and then come back to a family," she sighed and Adele smiled knowingly.

"She's strong, incredibly strong and while Richard refuses to cut her much slack – not that Meredith would accept it – he does understand if Gracie is really sick or something, Meredith will get a sick day," Adele explained.

Addison pondered how the young woman seemed to make it work so easily, although she suspected Meredith spent a great deal of time feeling overwhelmed by life in general.

Richard entered minutes later looking exhausted and Addison couldn't help noticing the distance between him and his wife as he placed a perfunctory kiss on her cheek and headed towards his office.

Addison strolled into the living room where Meredith was sitting on the floor next to Gracie, the way she was sitting with her legs folded under her and her hair pulled into a messy ponytail made her look years younger. She looked too young to be Gracie's mother.

Derek noticed the astonishment and admiration in his wife's eyes and knew in his heart that Meredith would not be a threat to Addison in any way; rather his wife would adopt her under her wings because she clearly appreciated how successfully Meredith was balancing things.

She made Derek and Addison's selfishness and struggles to justify a family in light of professional obligations look petty.

"Dinner's ready," Lexie announced and Meredith stood lifting her daughter into her arms and heading towards the bathroom for hand washing.

They emerged and took their places at the table, dinner was a lively affair, story telling and laughter. Addison noticed again that Richard and Adele barely exchanged a word. She cornered her husband after dinner, for a few minutes.

"Adele and Richard," she questioned and he just shrugged, "I know."

"And Meredith with Gracie, how does she do it?" Addison demanded.

"I have no idea, it's hard for her though, she hides the vulnerability well," Derek finally supplied.

"I came here," he glanced at his wife, "and left realizing that you and our life together was the most important thing, I didn't want my daughter questioning my love for her because I had to work so much, and I also didn't want us to turn out like Richard and Adele. They are just used to it by now," he rubbed his hand through his hair.

"That's why you started to talk to Donald," Addison realized.

"Yeah," he put his arm around her, "I love you Addie."

"I love you too," she responded and they strolled into the living room noticing immediately the absence of the blonde child.

"Where's Gracie," Derek asked.

"Hoping you'll come say goodnight," Meredith was on the stairs looking hopeful.

Derek headed up leaving Addison settled on the sofa.

"Hi Gracie," he entered her room.

"Am I going to see you again," her questioned startled him and then he realized that shortly after he'd tucked her in last time, he'd had to head back to New York.

"Yes," he promised, "I live around here now, so I will see you lots."

"Good," she mumbled curling up.

"Good night Gracie," he kissed her soft curls and tucked in her covers before switching off her light and heading downstairs.

"She asleep," Meredith asked and he nodded sitting down besides Addison.

"I think I'm going to crash here," Meredith glanced at Adele, "if that's okay?"

"Sweet dreams," Adele responded and Meredith glanced at the Shepherds.

"It was wonderful to see you tonight," she smiled shyly "I'll see you tomorrow at the hospital?"

"It was good to see you too Meredith, and yes you will," Addison nodded.

The adults talked quietly for another hour or so before Derek suggested they head home.

On the ride home Addison was fairly quiet and finally as they pulled up to their apartment she glanced at Derek, "I think we're going to do well here, thank you for deciding you wanted this."

He merely smiled, her certainty was the last thing he needed to feel secure in pursing his own needs, and now that they both felt good about it, he was confident no matter what hardships would face them, life would be alright.


	50. Dr Grey

Hi everyone,

Writing over a long period of time is harder than I thought, and this is the first long story I've really tried to keep up with at all. I apologize for the lack of regular updates. I have a plot outlined for about another twenty five or thirty chapters and I imagine by then I'll be back in school, so an official hiatus/ending may occur at about that point. I haven't decided yet, maybe I'll write a sequel. Fifty chapters! Finally.

Anyway usual disclaimer applies and feedback is always appreciated.

Crazy-Chica6: Thanks, the mess factor, some of it will be there, but not all of it. Haven't made up my mind what I'll reference from the show and what I'll make on my own...ponders

Right-Hand Blue: Thanks, writing all these new characters is hard.

addiekatefan: Awww, thanks. Sorry about the continuing long waits

Queen Satan: Time will tell, thanks

SeriouslyAddison: I completely understand and am glad to see you are still reading. Thanks for the review.

Previously: Derek and Addison get a tour of the hospital and introduction to the Nazi's interns

Summary: Meredith Grey is assigned to work with Addison for a day and Addison wonders if she's found her first friend.

Chapter 50: Dr. Grey

"Meredith Grey," Addison frowned slightly as the Nazi eyed her.

"She's in the pit right now," the stout resident offered and then paused, "is there a problem?"

It wasn't the first time Addison would be surprised by – and ultimately appreciative of – the Nazi's bluntness.

"No of course not, thank you Dr. Bailey," and she headed down to the pit to find the petite intern.

She wasn't sure about the younger woman for some reason.

"Dr. Grey," she approached the younger woman and Meredith's head snapped up.

"Dr. Shepherd," she hesitated, "Dr. Montgomery Shepherd," and she fell silent uncertainly.

"You can call me Dr. Shepherd unless my husband is around," Addison finally said, "you're with me today."

Meredith quickly finished bandaging the young woman's hand, "come back on Thursday and get the stitches taken out then," she smiled, "in the meantime, keep it dry and take Advil if there's any pain."

She signed the patient out, completing the chart with such efficacy that Addison found herself suddenly cheered at the thought of working with a competent intern.

Meredith followed Addison to the elevator and once inside, Addison passed her the patient's chart.

"High blood pressure," Meredith remarked after a moment.

"Right," Addison waited.

"We're worried about her carrying to full term," Meredith sounded like she was guessing.

Addison shot her a quick glance, but didn't keep eye contact, interns learned from her and they became the best in the field for a reason.

Without responding she entered the patient's room, "Cathy," she greeted her with a relaxed smile, "I'm Doctor Shepherd and this is Dr. Grey."

"Hi," Cathy seemed to sink back into the pillows as some of the nervousness left her.

"You're worried about her blood pressure," the husband stood, "I'm Rick."

"Rick," the two doctors quickly shook his hand before Addison turned to address Cathy.

"We are concerned about your high blood pressure, and we want to make sure you don't have any more spotting before we release you. When we do, you're on bed rest until your due date."

"Bed rest?" Rick looked distressed, "is she going to be okay?"

"She should be, so long as she takes it easy," Addison hesitated, "if after three weeks something were to go wrong, we'd deliver the baby and take it from there. Ideally we'd like to avoid delivering before that, we're going to keep you here and only give you something if it's absolutely necessary."

She glanced in Meredith's direction; the young woman was quietly and attentively listening to the entire exchange.

"I'm going to leave you in Dr. Grey's capable hands, she'll check in on you in about an hour to make sure things are still normal and check the baby's vitals, if you need anything be sure to let us know and Dr. Grey can answer any questions you might have," Addison handed Meredith the chart ignoring the slightly panicked look she got in exchange. Meredith would be fine.

Ten minutes later Meredith walked up next to her.

"How did it go," Addison didn't spare her a glance.

"Fine," Meredith hesitated, "she's just nervous."

"Understandably so, she's carried the baby for most of the pregnancy, having something go wrong at this stage is particularly challenging," Addison said it with a matter a fact tone but her heart cringed remembering her own heartbreak at a much earlier stage in the pregnancy.

"We're just going to keep making sure she has the fluids delivered and monitoring her blood pressure," Meredith questioned.

"If it goes up, we'll deliver a low dosage of beta blockers, you need to be careful about dosages at this late stage of the pregnancy, but we don't want her to end up with a severe case of pre-eclamsia," Addison made a slight notation on the chart and handed it back to Meredith, "page me if anything changes."

"Dr. Shepherd," she turned to face Meredith again, the younger woman looked nervous.

"What is it Dr. Grey," she sighed inwardly.

"My shift ends at three," she shifted awkwardly, "I'm supposed to get Gracie from day care today, should I try and find someone to pick her up for me?"

Addison frowned, "how long have you been on?"

"Since yesterday at three in the morning," Meredith said.

"I'll find someone else to follow up," and she turned and walked away leaving Meredith standing there with the chart.

She wanted to dislike her, but there was no good reason for it.

"Dr. Bailey," she approached Miranda who stood studying the board.

"Dr. Shepherd," she raised her eyebrows at Addison, "I hope my intern has been behaving herself."

"She's fine," Addison assured her, "but I need another intern of yours at around 2:30, Dr. Grey has to…" she was cut off.

"Pick up her daughter," Miranda nodded, "take Izzie Stevens, she should be out of surgery by one."

"Thanks," Addison headed up the stairs and came face to face with her husband about half way up.

"Hey," he gave her a smile and a wink.

"On call room sex," he teased with a raised eyebrow and Addison flushed.

"Derek," she hissed.

"Sorry, how's it going," he questioned.

"Fine, I'm working with Meredith Grey," she watched Derek's face carefully but there was nothing on his face that raised her concern.

"Is she living up to her name," he asked.

"She seems engaged, thorough and well versed," Addison supplied and Derek nodded looking pleased.

"She has a lot of fame to carry around," he remarked.

"Dr. Shepherd," Meredith suddenly appeared behind Derek, and they both turned.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Montgomery Shepherd," she said hastily seeing their expectant faces.

"Did you page me," Addison glanced down at her pager.

"No, I was about to, but Dr. Burke said he saw you downstairs," Meredith explained and Addison saw Derek make a face. She resisted the urge to punch him in the arm for breaking his professionalism.

"Mer, God you'll never guess what Burke just asked me to do with him," Christina Yang suddenly appeared behind Meredith on the stairs, but froze upon seeing the two attendings.

"Christina," Meredith hissed looking mortified, but then again Christina looked the same way.

"Sorry, I'm gone," and she vanished.

"I'm sorry about that," Meredith looked apologetic.

"It's okay Dr. Grey," Addison reached for the chart and accepted Derek's kiss on the cheek before he headed down the stairs.

"She's responding well to the medication, but the baby's vitals aren't as strong as they should be at this point," Meredith looked worried.

"Dr. Grey, when you're pregnant someday, you'll be able to worry about all of these things to the obsessive degree that Cathy probably is, but right now," she flipped the page studying the vital numbers carefully, "you need to trust your medical knowledge, the baby's vitals can take a longer to respond depending on," she stopped when she looked up and saw Meredith's face, it was pale and slightly sad.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry," she suddenly realized what she'd said.

"It's okay, just the pregnancy with Gracie was," Meredith hesitated, "not as easy as I would have hoped."

"I am so sorry," Addison wanted to kick herself for her insensitivity. Meredith was so young; she kept forgetting she had a child already.

Meredith took the chart and quickly hurried away leaving Addison to her own musings.

On the one hand she had immediately been suspicious of her husband and the younger blonde because she hadn't known they had already met, and then Gracie already seemed so attached to Derek. However, Derek seemed to genuinely care about their well-being, but interested in little else, while Meredith clearly respected Derek, and appreciated his support and mentorship. There seemed to be little more than that so Addison was left to deduce there was nothing there that could become an issue.

Maybe Meredith Grey would become a real friend; generally Addison wasn't sure about interns being friends with attendings. However, Meredith was mature, dedicated, intelligent, and already a parent yet she clearly respected the hierarchy in the hospital and was eager to learn from her superiors. She juggled her responsibilities with a poise that made Addison admire her even more. She was sure Meredith could use some time on her own, maybe she and Derek could take Gracie for an evening.

"Addie," Derek appeared behind her.

"What's up," she glanced at him.

"I want to do an intern switch," he grinned.

"What do you propose?"

"Well Meredith Grey is interested in neurosurgery," he said, "and Izzie Stevens is more into neonatal…" he waited.

"Okay," she smiled graciously, this would be a good time to watch them together.

She studied Derek as he began his surgery with Meredith standing to the side, and when he smiled encouragingly at her, Addison felt a flash of uncertainty until her husband's eyes looked up and met hers.

His joy at teaching, at being in the OR was so clear, and she was so relieved to see that true life in his eyes again that she almost missed the adoration in his eyes for her. He may have loved watching Meredith Grey blossom into the brilliant surgeon Addison knew she would become, but he loved his wife more than anything in the world.

Addison also saw the enjoyment and specificity Meredith worked with. The younger woman was born to be a brain surgeon and she couldn't learn from anyone better than Derek.

After ten minutes of working with Izzie Stevens, Addison realized that while she may have found a friend in Meredith that she had found a protégé in Izzie. The younger woman cared too much, but other than that she was absolutely who Addison had been all those years ago. Addison watched Izzie with Cathy and realized that this new life was far more complete than her one had been in New York. While the city had Mark and the busy bustling life, here she could teach, and have friends, and still make a difference, in more than one way.

"Mommy, are we going home," Addison heard the small voice behind her.

"Dr. Grey," she called and Meredith stopped turning towards her.

"Dr. Shepherd," she took Gracie's hand and headed in her direction, "how's Cathy?"

"The baby's vitals responded, she's on her way home to bed rest," Addison smiled.

"Thank goodness," Meredith's smile was small, but genuine.

"Are you headed out," Addison questioned her.

"We are," Meredith smiled down at Gracie, "home to dinner and a bath."

"I'll see you tomorrow morning," Addison smiled, "good work today."

"Thanks, I actually have the day off tomorrow and Gracie and I are going to have a morning breakfast out, then I'll drop her off with Lexie for the afternoon," Meredith explained and then hesitated before nervously continuing, "I'm going to the spa, if you want to come…?"

Addison had the afternoon off as well, her shift ended at lunchtime.

"Okay," she said suddenly feeling excited about the prospect of a girls' afternoon out.

Meredith pulled out a card from her wallet, "my cell number is on that."

"Thanks," Addison took it and returned the gesture with one of her own.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Meredith picked up Gracie, "the spa is only about five minutes from the hospital, it's called Luxury Treats.

"I'll find it," Addison assured her and watched Meredith leave with her daughter. Halfway to the door Gracie wrapped her arms around Meredith's neck and Meredith kissed her cheek. Addison fought her tears.

"The spa," Derek appeared next to her.

Addison slipped her arm around him, "absolutely."

"With Meredith Grey," he couldn't hide his surprise.

"She's not trying to sink her claws into you," Addison was frank.

"Is that why you were so indifferent at first," he grinned.

"Yes," she was honest.

"Happier now?"

"Yes," she blushed.

"Addie, it's okay, I understand, I would never belittle your concerns, but I'm glad you are making friends," he said finally.

"Me too," she laughed softly, "I have time for friends here."

"I have a surgery," he winked, "exam room later?"

"You're so bad," she kissed him quickly and headed back to check on her other patients unable to hide the smile on her face.


	51. This is Our Land

Chapter 51: This is Our Land

I'm not one of those writers that just write for reviews, I love plot twists and character dynamics in fanfic life. However I've gotten two or three new story alert notifications in the past week or so, and four reviews for the last chapter. I know I've been terrible about updating recently, because real life is knocking at the dore even more frequently as I prepare for my senior year of college, but even a one sentence review, or something you'd like to see happen, is helpful and gives me more ideas to work with. That being said, I hope you all are enjoying it regardless of leaving a review.

Okay, so, let's see, usual disclaimer applies of course: Gracie is mine; other characters are just being borrowed, just for enjoyment, no profit.

Right Hand Blue: I'm glad you like that, see the thing is…I have a lot of devout Addek fans here, of which I am one as well, but I don't have an anti-Meredith thing like many. I also feel like sometimes in the show – despite her rather shaky personal life – that they tend to "overdo?" her character, so I thought I'd tone her down a little, if possible. Maybe then she'll be easier to accept, or dare I say like?

Crazy-Chica6: Really? Wow, well I appreciate that. Thank you so much for liking my Meredith, I know it's a big step.

Addiekatefan: Thanks and I'm sorry I keep taking so long. I appreciate your faithful reading and reviewing.

QueenSatan: Glad you like the story, I understand about Meredith, as I said above to Right Hand Blue, I know it's hard. I'm hoping a good track record over time, along with slightly less Meredith like qualities may help her be a more likeable supporting character. I'm currently brainstorming about some really interesting ideas for her plot line, and I have to admit, I'm excited about them.

Good news also is that chapter 52 is about half done, so hopefully that'll be up in the next day or so.

Previously: Addison begins to realize that Meredith can be her friend. (And I should explain, I wasn't really going to write the whole girls' afternoon out in detail, some of it will be referenced in a flashback in this chapter).

Summary: Addison and Derek bring a picnic out to their land as the beginnings of the foundation are being laid.

**Chapter 51: This is Our Land**

"This looks amazing," Derek poked through the basket and Addison rolled her eyes.

"Derek, are you going to help me out here," she asked struggling with the blanket as the wind blew fiercely.

"What," he was focused on the smells wafting from the large picnic basket and was completely distracted from his wife's fight with the blanket.

They hadn't been on a picnic in years, a real one, and they decided as the workers were beginning to dig in preparation of putting in the foundation, that this would be as good a time as any to take a day off and celebrate. So Addison made food, Derek loaded up chairs and a blanket and they headed up to the housing site.

"Derek," his wife was irritated and he glanced her way in confusion only to smile apologetically as his eyes took her wind blown form in. She was stunning.

"Sorry," he stood and grabbed the other end of the blanket.

"Thank you," she sighed in relief as the blanket was wrestled to the ground and chairs placed on it

"The food is just…" he grinned.

"Patience is a virtue," she reminded him.

"Which I lack, I know," he finished; it wasn't the first time Addison had prompted this conversation with him.

Soon enough they were sitting and watching as the workers conferred before breaking ground. Addison had out the camera and was ready.

"Ready," the head foreman approached them and Addison bounced up from her chair.

Derek followed close behind, chuckling to himself as he witnessed the inner child in his normally reserved wife. She had her fun side, her wild side, and although she rarely let it be displayed, it was the times that she did where Derek fell head over heels in love with her all over again.

"Okay," the head foreman smiled at them, and the backhoe bucket fell to the ground, dug in and lifted up.

Addison felt a smile breaking across her face, a new life with a new house; it was all real.

She spun around and threw her arms around Derek, and despite his surprise, he quickly returned her embrace and squeezed her tightly in return. They remained there for a moment feeling the realness of each other, and the joy at this new beginning.

She pulled back wiping tears from her eyes, "thank you."

He planted a kiss on her lips, before pushing strands of her hair out of her face, "you're welcome."

She reached to her sweatshirt pocket for her camera, and then frowned, "where's the camera."

"It fell out of your pocket ma'am," the head foreman had picked it up and was holding it out.

"Thanks," she grinned, "and it's Addison, please."

"Addison, I'm Hank" he reached out for the camera suddenly, "would you like a picture with both of you and the first breaking of dirt?"

"Yes," she nodded rapidly ignoring Derek's snicker behind her.

"Here," another worker stepped up holding two vests and hard hats.

While Derek just stared, Addison eagerly reached for them.

"Since when…" he trailed off watching her struggle with the vest.

"Please Derek," she glared at him.

"Addison," he helped her adjust the hat.

"Shut up and play along," she fixed him with her 'I mean business look.'

"Dude," the foreman held out the second vest and hard hat he'd been holding since the other worker had gone back to work.

"What," Derek asked.

"I'd do it," Hank winked, "you'll be glad years later."

"I'm not so sure," Derek put on the attire anyway, reluctantly.

"Our grandkids will love it," Addison remarked helping him center the hat.

His eyes changed slightly and he felt a real flash of joy, grandkids implied children and once again, she was telling him that kids were in their future. Suddenly the garb didn't seem so bad.

He slipped his arm around his wife, and they stood next to the backhoe and that first hole in the ground.

"Smile," Hank said raising the camera, and minutes later the photo shoot was complete and the digging went on.

Addison led the way back to their basket and they got around to eating.

"Wow," Derek whispered watching their house slowly becoming a reality in front of his eyes.

"I know," she smiled at him.

"This is our place now," he affirmed almost if he didn't believe it.

"Yep," she sighed with contentment.

The silence between them was peaceful and then Derek shot her a glance.

"Did you have a good time with Meredith," he asked realizing he didn't know how it went.

They hadn't seen each other much in the past few days due to their hectic work schedules and of course learning about working in a teaching hospital and straightening up their respective departments. It was hard work and they were both too exhausted to have long conversations in the short times they'd cross paths. Derek was hoping that eventually they'd settle into a less distant routine. Not that he was worried; he knew Addison was as frustrated by it as he was.

_Flashback_

"Oh good you made it," Meredith stood in the waiting room of the spa.

"I'm sorry I'm running a little late," Addison apologized.

"It's not a problem," Meredith pocketed her blackberry and smiled somewhat hesitantly, "I can't imagine how stressful it is trying to juggle all the things you must be dealing with."

While Addison was surprised by the younger woman's instant empathy, she was also somewhat ashamed by how pleased she was that someone else – other than Derek – understood.

"It's been busy," she settled for a quiet affirmation, and then stole a glance at Meredith as she checked them in at the front desk.

"Did you have a good morning with Gracie," she asked finally and was relieved to see the smile that lit up Meredith's tired face.

"She's the light of my life," Meredith said sounding ridiculously proud.

"She is an absolute gem," Addison affirmed.

Meredith led the way down the hall, "no matter how tired I am, I always have her to push through for in the end."

"I can't imagine how you do it every day," Addison sighed, "my stress will decrease as I settle in, yours…" she felt bad harping on it, so she trailed off.

Meredith just shrugged, "you play the hand you're dealt," she blushed slightly, "and as absolutely cliché or corny as it sounds, Gracie is essentially any heart I've drawn."

Addison wanted to laugh, but instead she found herself slightly choked up.

"See, I know it's laughable," Meredith mistook the slight noise in Addison's' throat.

"I wasn't laughing," she managed to reply, "that's just, well put."

Meredith shot her a glance and after determining that Addison was telling the truth, she sighed.

"I've had some help," she continued, "Which has been a huge lifesaver."

"If you don't mind me asking," Addison hesitated wondering if it was her place.

"I do actually," Meredith bit her lip, having already anticipated the question and clearly feeling guilty about shutting the older woman's question down so abruptly, "I'm sorry, it's just I get that question a lot, and it was a stupid mistake, a really stupid one, and a hard pregnancy and just…" she took a slightly shaky breath, "I've learned to let go."

"Okay," Addison let it go and instead continued on another topic, "Derek and I would love to baby-sit."

Meredith gaped, "Oh Addison, I can't ask that of you two."

"Why," Addison was surprised.

"Because, you're world famous surgeons, running departments, building a house and…" Meredith was clearly shocked almost to the point where she had no words.

"Meredith please, it's not a problem, Derek adores her and we'd love to spend time with her," Addison had seen them together for an evening and knew the truth of those words.

"Well, I appreciate the offer, maybe some night, if you're sure," she finally relented.

Addison just smiled and followed her down to the changing room.

_End flashback_

"It was good," Addison nodded, "I offered to baby-sit for her."

Derek hesitated wondering what he should say.

"I told her that you adored her, and that it would be no problem," she continued.

"You were right there," he affirmed, he did adore Gracie.

Her innocence and beauty tortured him some moments as he imagined their own beautiful daughter he had never had a chance to meet. He realized that sometimes he would space out, and imagine Addison pregnant, holding their baby, and having her run out to meet him. He loved being in Seattle, was thrilled that he and Addison were reconnecting and that they were really getting a dream house – one that both of them would love. Derek's heart however still had a piece missing.

"Derek," she was trying to get his attention and her voice had a slight note of worry in it.

"Sorry," he shook himself mentally.

"You okay," she waited.

"Yeah, just realizing that," this was harder to say out loud, he knew Addison was still so hurt by the whole chain of events that had happened before they left New York.

"What," she prodded.

"I don't want to hurt you more," he admitted finally.

"It's okay Derek, you don't have to be afraid, we're both hurting, we have to be able to talk to each other," she finally acknowledged and he decided to take the plunge.

"I miss her, I miss knowing how complete our lives could be, and it feels like a little piece of me is missing, even when we have this new life, land, house," he met her eyes, "even when you and I are closer than we've been in years, I feel like a little part of my heart has a hole in it."

Addison felt her throat close up listening to the hurt in his voice, they hadn't talked about their baby in so long, and even when they did, it wasn't to pick apart their individual hurts.

"Me too," she affirmed.

He squeezed her hand tightly and his throat worked as he fought his own tears.

"I feel the same way Derek," she hesitated, "and I want kids, I swear once we get moved in, we can try again."

"You mean that, you're sure," he didn't want to push.

"I admit, it was harder for me to want them for a while than you probably, mostly because I felt so empty," she couldn't stop the tears now, "when she left…" and a pause, "when I lost her, and I felt like I failed her."

"Addison," he fixed her with a firm gaze.

"I know it wasn't my fault Derek, but just the thought that I could fail a baby again, it's kept me from remembering all the little moments of joy I had while carrying her," she hesitated, "and from picturing our life with a baby."

"And you're less fearful now," he supplied.

"Yes," she nodded, "it's still there, but less so."

"Why," he asked curiously.

"Because when I see Meredith with Gracie, or how she lights up when Gracie is even mentioned, I realize that no matter how tired and frustrated she is, that she is really truly happy with her daughter," Addison sighed, "you and I have the perfect everything, each other, a wonderful house, steady and very lucrative jobs, but some days I think Meredith's just as lucky if not luckier because of the joy she finds in her baby girl."

Derek just nodded, he understood perfectly.

"I envy her sometimes," Addison sighed, "but mostly because she has the one thing I want more than anything."

Derek heard the longing in her voice, and while part of him was thrilled, the other part cursed the powers that had brought them such heartache.

"Baby-sitting isn't a ploy to kidnap her is it," Derek teased lightly.

"No," she tossed him a slight glare but there was no heat to it.

"Okay," he sighed as he thought of spending an evening with a child that wasn't his own.

It would be so hard to fight all those dreams that had consumed him as he struggled to balance his life back when she was pregnant. Looking at the path their lives had taken, apart and together, he was ashamed to think he had ever really been divided between the two lives. He was haunted by those dreams, over time, they'd become even worse nightmares than the days when he was actually struggling to decide. They were ghosts, always taunting him, and making him question his abilities.

"Derek," once again she was trying to get his attention.

"Yeah," he whispered.

"I know it might be hard, but I think it might be good for us to help us think ahead of the potential problems associated with the pregnancy and give us some more things to hold on to, when we have more of our own," she explained.

"I know," he took her hand again and she brushed the single tear from her face.

"We'll baby-sit," he promised ignoring those inner voices that wouldn't quite leave him alone.

"Good" she whispered, and they sat silently in the late afternoon sun watching the ground be prepared for their new house.

Please review!


	52. You Need a Friend

Hi everyone, chapter 52 is promised. Usual disclaimer applies. Thanks for the reviews.

greys4ever: thanks for leaving a review, I appreciate your feedback and knowing that you are following the story still. I am also glad to hear you like the softer Meredith. I really want people to like her, but I know that there is obvious skepticism so...yeah

Queen Satan: I understand you're not a huge fan, but I hope I can make her grow on you

Right Hand Blue: I shall take that comment into semi-consideration for chapter 53.

Crazy-Chica6: Sorry I had this one written, however stay tuned for that

Addiekatefan: Thanks very much, cute, well yeah. I'll go for that.

Reviews make me super happy and want to write more.

Previously: The house work begins, and Addison and Derek have a heart to heart conversation over a picnic

Summary: Dr. Grey has a hard day and Derek and Addison reach out to her together.

**Chapter 52: You Need a Friend**

"I can't believe she died," Meredith was staring at their patient through the window from outside the OR.

Derek watched the young woman carefully as he cleaned his hands, feeling a surge of concern for her barely concealed anger and wondering how to proceed. He was her teacher, and that made it necessary for him to chide her for displaying it, on the other hand, she was right to feel some frustration considering and she wasn't letting the family see it; just him.

Normally she was a calm, patient and put together intern, today, she was having a bit more trouble.

"The bleeder couldn't be repaired, and she was down for too long," Derek explained finally realizing he had to say something, anything.

"It wasn't a hard procedure," she finally argued without looking at him, anger was still present in her voice.

"Just because it wasn't hard, doesn't mean that there weren't risks involved," Derek reminded her, "that is part of any surgery."

"I don't want the science, or an explanation from you," Meredith snapped at him, "it's just not fair, she had children."

Derek waited for her to realize what she'd just said, for her emotion to fade, and sure enough, mortification came over her face.

"Dr. Shepherd," she composed herself, "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me," he said finally, "but that is why you know the risks before the surgery Dr. Grey, however small they may be, and why you never promise the patient or family a perfect outcome, success doesn't select based on our judgements about who may be considered more worthy. Things go wrong, and people get hurt, and patients die, if you are going to be a good surgeon, you must accept that and give your all to every patient. If you can't, then you need to consider what you really want to get out of being a doctor, and I won't allow you to display that sort of emotion to me in the workplace again. Do you understand," he waited for her to nod before asking, "and we are clear on this?"

"Yes," she whispered softly and hastily left, Derek remained wondering if he'd been too hard on her.

While she'd bonded with Addison in the recent weeks, she worked often with Derek in the hospital. She was a gifted student and understood very clearly the challenges of neurosurgery, in the hospital Derek was obligated to push her, challenge her and not allow her to become emotionally involved with her patients; he was not there to be a friend, but a teacher and to hold her accountable. However, Derek knew from Addison that Meredith had admitted she also struggled to balance things, much like the first night they met. She was allowed to have personal trials and tribulations, he knew she had many to cope with.

Meredith had her intern friends to lean on, and he saw their interactions, Christina was especially close to Meredith. The two were soulmates really, Christina he'd heard was Meredith's "person." But in turn, they were all interns, all with their own drama, and he wondered if Meredith didn't sometimes tire of that in her life. He'd seen the the way Meredith looked up to, and admired Addison, perhaps she needed Addison's steady and practical advice, her warm and comforting presence, he could understand that easily. He needed it.

Addison was incredibly centered, supportive and confident. Meredith clearly struggled with self-esteem issues, Addison would be a wonderful person for Meredith to learn some real confidence building skills from. Addison of course in turn respected Meredith for everything she'd accomplished in spite of tremendous odds and the determination she displayed; Addison wanted her to see her succeed as a octor and on her own terms. Maybe Meredith needed some time away from the tiring routine of her normal life.

**Later that morning:**

"Derek," Addison looked up as her husband slipped an arm around her.

"Hi honey," he kissed her cheek and Addison studied him.

"What?" she knew his smile meant something was up.

"Feel like inviting someone over for dinner," he asked her.

"Who," she wondered curiously.

"Dr. Grey seems to be having a tough shift," he hesitated, "and I think Richard and Adele have Gracie on most Wednesday nights."

"Sure," Addison frowned, "is she okay?"

"Yep," he straightened and fished out his pager which was going off, "just one of those days. I think she could use some adult company."

Addison nodded, "I'm headed home in about an hour, and I'll make some dinner and see you around six?"

"We'll be there," he kissed her gently, "thanks Addie."

Addison just smiled, "sometimes a change of scenery is exactly what you need."

**At Lunch:**

"Dr. Grey," Addison walked up to the intern table where Meredith had just seated herself next to George O' Malley.

"Yes Dr. Shepherd," Meredith quickly stood up.

"I apologize for bothering you," Addison smiled, "but I need to fill you very quickly on a patient that's coming in tomorrow morning," and that was partly true.

"Sure," Meredith followed her over to a quiet table.

"What's the patient's condition," Meredith asked.

"She's a few months pregnant, but she is coming in to remove a brain tumor," Addison hesitated, "I need you to keep me updated on the baby's condition. I know you'll be assisting Dr. Shepherd, but I can't be there for the first part of the surgery."

Meredith nodded, "I'll get the chart later on today."

"Good," Addison hesitated, "one other thing, I'd love it if you came over to have dinner tonight. Can do you that?"

Meredith gaped at her, "What?"

"I am inviting you to dinner," Addison clarified.

"With you and Dr. Shepherd," Meredith looked nervous.

"We're surgeons Meredith," she used the younger woman's first name, "and yes we are good ones, but we don't bite."

Meredith finally smiled, "it's just that I snapped at Dr. Shepherd this morning," she shifted uneasily.

"We both understand that everyone has those days," Addison reassured her, "sometimes doing something different at the end helps dull the impact of it."

"Okay, if you're sure," Meredith hedged.

"Yes," Addison said firmly.

"Thank you," she finally smiled at Addison with a little more life in her eyes than before.

"Good," Addison smiled, "Derek is leaving at the same time you are, you can just follow him to the apartment, and I'll see you both for dinner."

"I really appreciate your generosity," Meredith finally said.

"It's no problem," Addison nodded and Meredith headed back to her lunch.

That evening Derek found Meredith in the lounge pouring over charts.

"Almost ready," he asked and Meredith jumped.

"Yes, sorry, I lost track of time," she quickly began stacking the papers.

"Don't rush," he waited.

"I'm sorry Dr. Shepherd," she glanced at him briefly, "about this morning. I should never have let that frustration slip out."

"That's true," he nodded, "but sometimes we can't help it, even professional surgeons understand that, we just have more practice keeping it in. That'll come with time."

He didn't miss the grateful smile she sent in his direction.

"Ready," she grabbed her coat and keys from her locker and closed it with a bang.

"Let's go," he gave her a quick set of directions as they walked to the parking lot just in case she got lost and they pulled out in tandem.

Addison smiled as the door opened, they were right on schedule. She'd gotten home, tidied up, put some white wine in the fridge and prepared some salmon with lemon pepper, brown rice, marinated asparagus and a big green salad with homemade dressing.

"Wow," she heard Meredith say as she stepped into the apartment, "that smells amazing."

"Addie is a closet cook," Derek responded and came around the corner into the kitchen.

"Hey babe," he put his arms around her and kissed the side of her cheek.

"Welcome home," she returned the kiss, on the lips and then turned to their guest.

"Hi Meredith, make yourself at home," she offered, "white wine?"

"That would be wonderful," Meredith smiled gratefully and Derek opened the bottle as Meredith perched on one of the bar stools.

"This is a great apartment," she looked around, "it's open and really airy."

"It's just temporary," Addison explained as she checked the fish, "but we wanted something that felt like a home because of all the other transitions that were happening."

Just then Meredith's phone started buzzing and she pulled it out of her pocket, "oh its Gracie calling to say goodnight, I'll be right back," she promised.

"Take your time," Derek said as he got out the wine glasses.

They heard Meredith's voice as she vanished into the living room talking cheerfully and Derek picked up on Addison's wistful expression.

"You okay," he asked quietly and she nodded.

"I'm fine, I just always forget that she has Gracie when they're not together, she seems so young."

Derek just nodded, he could understand his wife's observations, but as a teacher, he'd seen Meredith approach her learning very differently, and he could understand how the parent in her influenced her training.

Moments later Meredith returned and picked up the wine, "you have a lot of pictures on the mantel."

Derek grinned, "I'll give you a tour," he offered picking up his own glass of wine.

"Unless you'd rather," he turned to Addison who made a face at him.

"And trust you with my beautiful meal," she questioned playfully.

He glanced at Meredith with an apologetic smile, "she doesn't have much trust in my cooking abilities."

"Grilling yes, cooking, less so," Addison explained.

"Can I help then," Meredith offered, "I've been making things my picky daughter will eat for at least a few years."

"No, Derek's going to start touring you through the pictures, I'll be right in, we're almost set," Addison assured her, "you're our guest. Go."

Meredith followed Derek into the living room and Addison joined them after she turned the fish.

"So this is," and he began to introduce her to the players in the Shepherd's life, the many brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews.

"Who's that," Meredith suddenly asked pointing to a picture at the end with Mark, Derek and Addison on their wedding day "he looks familiar."

"That's Mark Sloan, Derek's best man," Addison said.

"And our best friend back in New York," Derek added earning a sideways look of thankfulness from his wife. The whole Mark thing was behind them.

"Really," Meredith was staring, obviously, "I've heard of him, he's a plastic surgeon," and Addison felt herself snickering at the look on her face.

"He's your best friend," Meredith questioned finally still looking surprised.

"Yep," Derek nodded and then caught her expression.

"Is someone drooling," Derek teased gently and Meredith instantly tore her eyes away blushing furiously.

"No," she protested fervently.

"Derek," Addison scolded lightly, "go get the fish out will you, the timer just went off."

As soon as he'd vanished Addison did a little prodding of her own, "when was the last time you got to get out on a date Meredith," she asked.

"I go out occasionally with some intern friends of mine, dance with a few guys while I'm out, I dated a vet for a few months," she hesitated, "he was great with Gracie, and she got really attached even though she was still fairly young."

"Then what happened," Addison waited.

"Well, he had to move east to Chicago because his mom needed his help," she sighed, "I didn't feel like I could leave my support base here so we parted ways."

"I'm sorry," Addison said finally.

"I survived," Meredith glanced at her quickly, "but it destroyed Gracie."

Addison felt a stab of sympathy.

"When you have a child and you get serious with someone, your heart isn't the only one at risk," Meredith finally said with a weak smile, "so I'm pretty careful now about whoever I hang out with."

"Understood," Addison nodded.

"Dinner's ready," Derek called and the two women joined him in the kitchen.

"This is amazing," Meredith stared at the spread, "I can't thank you enough for doing this."

"Well, we're glad you could come," Derek shot a smile in his wife's direction. He was thankful Addison had agreed to go along with him on the plan. Meredith seemed to be less stressed than earlier in the day when he'd last seen her.

"Meredith, help yourself to more wine," Addison offered and the younger woman smiled, "I have to drive."

"We still have desert," Derek spoke up.

"Okay," she poured a little more, "Dr. Shepherd," she offered.

They both looked up confused and Meredith hesitated, "I mean uh," and a silence fell over the table.

"You can call me Derek when we're not at work," Derek finally said breaking it and Addison nodded, "we're AddisonandDerek outside of work Meredith, there's no need to be formal."

"Okay, I mean I know that…" she trailed off.

"I am your teacher Meredith," Derek realized that she was still feeling bad about that morning, "I have a lot of years of experience and I have a lot I can teach you in the OR, but outside of work during dinner, or whenever, Derek is fine."

"I can't believe I'm actually eating dinner with the Shepherds, I'm sorry to sound so…childish about it," Meredith finally explained, "but you didn't have to take an interest in me."

"You don't think you're worth interest," Addison frowned.

Meredith shifted in her chair, "well, I mean I'm flattered but…I just don't quite understand."

"We need a reason to want to get to know you," Derek pushed her a little more, wondering what she was thinking.

"Well just because you're both well known doctors and I'm an intern," she feebly continued.

"Meredith," Addison sensed how uncomfortable their guest was and wanted to move past the subject for now, so she shot Derek a glance as she proceeded so he'd get what she meant, "we're allowed to have friends too, and while not all of our friends are interns, there's no cardinal rule that forbids that, try not to worry about it."

"Okay," Meredith managed a real smile this time and the plates began to circulate, and the discussion turned to medicine.

Meredith relaxed over the course of the evening; Addison realized how interested she was in their previous cases in New York. She never asked personal questions, but was absolutely relentless in professional inquiries. The way she responded to Derek's subtle teaching questions and stories of mysterious surgeries over dinner made Addison realize how much she was becoming Derek's protégé and how gifted her husband was as a mentor.

She knew also that Derek's giftedness in explaining and coaching would only translate into fatherhood, but this was perhaps something he himself had not quite yet realized.

By the time they'd finished, Meredith was smiling and looking happier than she had in recent days.

Addison began to clear the table and Meredith jumped up, "let me help."

"Don't worry about it, the dishwasher just needs to be loaded, it's late," Addison glanced at the clock.

"Really," Meredith had lost track of time.

"Almost eleven," Addison confirmed.

"Wow," she said, "I should be headed on my way."

"Will you be okay getting home," Derek asked.

"Fine, thanks," Meredith stood.

"Text me when you get back," Addison said feeling the older protective side of her surfacing.

If Meredith was surprised, she showed no obvious reaction, "sure, no problem."

She gave Addison a big hug, and received a squeeze from Derek without any awkwardness and they walked her to their front door.

"Thank you again so much," she shouldered her purse.

"We should do this more often," Addison said with a smile, "we had a good time."

"Maybe next time I'll cook," Meredith ignored the look of suspicion on Derek's face.

"That sounds great," Addison played right along.

"Uh oh," Derek muttered.

"If Gracie eats you, you have to also," Meredith warned him.

"Maybe I can bribe her," he suggested and both woman laughed.

"Not if I get there first," Meredith retorted and then stepped out into the hallway.

"Good night," she smiled and then turned and headed towards the stairs.

"That was fun," Addison remarked loading up the dishwasher a few minutes later.

"It was," Derek smiled at her, "thanks for inviting her."

"She needs to relax and be taken care of every now and then," Addison nodded, "I'm glad that we could at least do that for her."

"She really likes you," Derek smiled at his wife, his observations over dinner only confirmed what he already knew.

"And you're a great teacher," Addison supplied softly.

"Huh," he dropped the silverware into the rack with a clang.

"You are a good, great, teacher," Addison repeated.

"She's smart, inquisitive, and ambitious," he shrugged, "it's not hard to be successful at teaching when you've got a good student."

"She worships you Derek," Addison finally said and Derek met her eyes.

"Are you okay," he asked worriedly, wondering if there was jealousy somewhere in her remarks.

"Fine," she said, "I'm not saying like that Derek," and she wasn't jealous of Meredith's adoration.

"I am just saying," she smiled, "you delight in teaching and mentoring, and I think that's a part of you that you don't see very often and you should…you'll be a wonderful father."

"Oh Addison," he looked down, "there's a difference between teaching a medical intern and being a parent."

"You don't think I know that," she questioned feeling a flash of annoyance, "What I mean Derek, is that you can't fake enthusiasm and patience for teaching anyone, and your style is perfect, your method of teaching without preaching, that is genuine and real…beyond all of the medical lingo and cases."

"You really think so," he was humbled to hear of Addison's belief in him, deep down he was so afraid he wouldn't be a good father.

"Yes," it was a simple, heartfelt response.

Addison turned on the dishwasher and walked up to him, nuzzling against his chest, "I know so."

His arms tightened around her and all he could respond with was, "I love you so much."

She was his everything, and he had her back with him, he would never let her go again.


	53. Little Angel

Hi all, reviews were and are always appreciated.

Crazy-Chica6: Thanks very much

McDayDreaming: I understand, I appreciate your Meredith feedback particularly as I want to write her as an enjoyable supporting character to our favorite couple.

Right Hand Blue: Haha, here you go.

Queen Satan: Glad to hear it.

addiekatefan: Yes he would/will...but he needs to really believe it himself first.

Author's note:

Also I'm really not entirely sure about how to do this content thing. Most of this story is fine with a T rating, at least as far as I can tell. However, I'm unclear about some of chapters I've posted with some more questionable content. I am wondering if they make the story need an M rating. I've seen a few stories where people write them mostly as T, and give a specific warning at the top of a given chapter about the content, which is what I will do here. I'd appreciate thoughts though, I could post the M content in a separate chapter post in the "rated M" section and those who want to read it can just check that filtered section. I haven't had problems so far, but I'm sensitive to it.

That being said, **first part of the chapter is rated M.** Usual disclaimer applies...I own nothing.

Previously: Meredith comes over for dinner and bonds with the Shepherds

Summary (as per requests): On call room sex, and then Gracie comes to spend the night with Addison and Derek so that Meredith can go out on the town with her intern friends.

Enjoy and please please leave a review. Usual disclaimer applies.

**Chapter 53: Little Angel**

Stress was not a good thing, and it was something she was familiar with. The house was going well, but there were too many decisions. Work was fine, but it was far too busy and Addison was tired, sleep deprived and sex deprived. She missed Derek and she missed having free time to herself.

"Addie, are you on break," her husband was grinning and Addison was decidedly not amused.

"What does it look like," she asked.

"Come on," he grabbed her hand and before she knew what was happening, he'd pulled her into a deserted on-call room.

"Derek," she looked around, but he'd already begun an assault on her neck, his kisses warming her entire core.

"Derek," less protest in her tone this time.

His hand was already working its way under her skirt and stroking her gently.

"Oh God," with all the work and the house building in the past few weeks, sex had been last on their list, until now apparently.

"Mmm, you taste good," he was unbuttoning her blouse.

"Derek," she tried to protest, but ended with a soft cry as his fingers dipped between her swollen folds.

"Hush," he whispered, "you can't draw attention to us."

"Well," she hissed, "then don't," and was unable to finish.

"You were saying," he slowed his movements.

"Please Derek, don't," she begged trying to restrain her reactions.

"Don't what," he didn't seem to care much what she was saying as he picked up the pace again.

"Don't tempt me," she managed.

"Isn't it too late," he asked sounding slightly surprised.

"No," she pulled all her willpower together and then whimpered as he retracted his fingers.

"What was that," he asked.

"Nothing," she murmured.

"Really," he rubbed up against her and she let out a feeble cry.

"Damn you," she snapped finally.

"What do you want Addie," he was positively grinning, "and please be clear, I'm slightly confused."

"Fine, just don't be evil about it," she finally relented.

"Can't have it both ways, either I make you collapse with pleasure any way I want, or you walk around all hot and bothered for another," he hesitated, "twelve hours?"

"Derek," she hated him in that moment.

"Offer ends in five, four, three," he started to count down.

"Okay okay," she caved just as he knew she would.

His fingers slipped into her stroking her carefully and she slumped against the wall.

Derek eased her over to one of the beds and lifted her up onto it, leaning her back and spreading her legs.

He pulled down her stockings and when his tongue flicked against her, Addison cried out.

She tensed suddenly as she heard voices and expected him to pause, but he didn't and she felt herself start to writhe under his touch and pant heavily. He was such a tease.

She felt a whimper bubble up; it escaped before she could smother it and a second later his hand fell across her mouth effectively silencing her.

Derek enjoyed this part of sex, he didn't have to worry as much about making noise at this point and he could push her, torture her as much as she could possibly take. He was fairly sure she didn't know her own limits.

Derek was greatly appreciative of his wife's adventuresome side. He focused on caressing her bundle of nerves and carefully and smoothly inserted a finger into her wet channel. She bucked up towards him and his hand prevented her yelp from erupting.

He kept her on the edge for a few minutes, always pausing before she began to contract.

Once the passersby left, he removed his hand preferring to hear her tortured attempts to silence herself.

Her hand flew to her own mouth and she bit it, enough to silence the tortured cries as her husband's tongue circled her clit and a second finger joined the first burying themselves in her heat. When his other hand found her nipple under her bra her panting and groaning almost made him lose it.

"God Derek, please," she begged, "I need you."

He loved to hear that phrase from her lips. He swiftly unzipped his pants and leaned over her.

He teased her once more as he rubbed the head against her.

"Please," she begged.

They both gasped with pleasure as he thrust up into her.

"Don't move," he hissed, the feeling was just too good and he was afraid any movement might send him over the edge.

She lay quietly below him waiting for him to relax.

"Okay," he began to move in long languid thrusts that stimulated her clit with every movement.

"Yes," she arched towards him, "yes Derek."

"Feel so good baby, that's it," he encouraged her.

"Derek, harder" her eyes were closed, her cheeks flushed, she was so close.

He was fighting every fiber in his body to wait for her, finally he stuck his hand down to her and rubbed her clit between his two fingers and she gasped throwing her head back as her walls began milking him frantically, two thrusts later he came in her arms.

"Wow," she whispered, "I missed that."

He kissed her gently, "time to get back to work."

She walked out first, a little saunter in her step and Derek groaned, he wanted her again already.

**Later that day:**

"Dr. Shepherd," Meredith Grey had been watching the attending work for a few minutes. Earlier in the day she had been tense and clearly on edge, now something was different.

"Yes Dr. Grey," Addison didn't turn around and Meredith was reminded that at work she was in fact not a friend, but an intern.

Addison wasn't trying to be hurtful, but she was busy because Derek's venture into the closet had distracted her and taken her away from the darn charts that kept piling up.

"Are you going to lunch soon," Meredith decided to wait to ask, but she didn't want to lose her chance altogether.

"Yes, now as a matter a fact," Addison turned with a small smile.

"What can I do for you," she asked the younger woman.

"Well," Meredith hesitated, "Christina and Izzie want to go out for drinks and they have some friends who have a friend in town for the weekend," she trailed off.

"Just drop her off whenever," Addison knew exactly where Meredith was going with the story.

"You're sure," she still looked at Addison uncertainly.

"It sounds great, check with Derek will you though," she realized her husband might have other plans if today was any indication.

"Okay," Meredith turned, "Thanks Dr. Shepherd."

Derek was scrubbing up for the surgery when Meredith entered the room.

"Hi," she stepped up to the sink next to him.

"Dr. Grey," he nodded.

"I asked Dr. Shepherd first about this and she said to ask you," Meredith hesitated, "could you baby-sit for Gracie tonight, Izzie and Christina have some friends who have a friend," she didn't meet his gaze as it turned to her.

Derek hesitated wondering if he should make any comment about the friend of a friend, but he decided it was none of his business.

"Sure," he said finally, "we can have her overnight if…" he let the sentence hang.

Meredith heard the unspoken question at the end and blushed, she hated these conversations. She always felt guilty if she wanted to have fun, especially considering she had a daughter, but her experience with Gracie's father was supposed to have meant something, she had been absolutely in awe of how her heart started pounding in his presence. That hadn't gone like her young heart thought it would, although looking back, there hadn't been much hope - if any - to begin with.

"Dr. Grey," she jerked back to reality.

"That would be great, I always hate having to wake her up when I come to collect her at Richard's," she finally responded wondering if she'd saved herself from any certainties.

Derek let it go, "let's go save a life," he said entering the OR with Meredith right behind him.

Later that night Derek and Addison had made kid food, macaroni and cheese, found some board games and child proofed the apartment.

Meredith showed up at five thirty with Gracie in tow.

"Hi," she smiled as Derek opened the door with Addison at his side.

Both of them stared at Meredith in shock, the petite intern had essentially been in casual clothes or scrubs since they'd first met. She was stunning; if Addison wasn't convinced of her husband's affections she could have been jealous.

Derek had already focused on Gracie, kneeling down in front of her with a smile.

"Meredith, you look great," Addison complimented her and Meredith grinned back.

"It's fun to dress up a bit, we're going out to a bar," her black dress clung beautifully emphasizing her tiny figure and her wrap, clutch and delicate shoes clearly helped her confidence level. Addison could picture her right before Gracie was born turning heads, one obviously been turned quite far.

"Have a great time," Addison said, "we'll see you in the morning around 11?"

Meredith hesitated, "I can come by earlier."

"No, we'll do breakfast," Addison promised wanting the younger woman to have a good time.

"Thanks," Meredith also knelt down at that point, facing her daughter.

"Gracie baby," and the child turned to her with a bit of uncertainty.

"Addison and Derek are going to play with you this evening and make breakfast with you tomorrow," she said.

"Pancakes," it was a question and Derek nodded emphatically.

"Absolutely, and we'll make smiley faces out of cherries and ice cream," he promised.

Gracie's eyes lit up and Meredith eyed him suspiciously, "have fun okay honey." She gave her daugther a tight hug.

"Bye mommy," there were no tears or anything as Meredith pulled away.

"She's used to spending the night elsewhere, at Richard's or once at Lexie's place, or Izzie's," Meredith responded to Addison's raised eyebrows.

"Okay, let's go," Derek extended his hand and Gracie followed him inside.

"Here's her bag, with everything she'll need," Meredith passed Addison the duffle, "and my cell is on at all times, just call if there's an issue. If she wants to call before she goes to sleep for some reason, that's fine, if not I won't worry."

"Go on Meredith," Addison urged her, "have a good time, we'll be fine."

Meredith flashed her one grateful smile and vanished down the stairs; Addison closed the door and turned to face the living room where Gracie and Derek were already playing Go Fish.

"You hungry Gracie," she asked.

"Yes," came the quick answer.

"You and Derek finish up, we have some macaroni and cheese for you," Addison informed her and was pleased to see the little girl's eyes lit up.

"Can we watch a movie," Gracie asked and Addison hesitated.

They hadn't really thought of that, they could rent one, but she wasn't sure if Meredith had specific content rules.

"Sure," Derek hadn't quite understood his wife's hesitation and Addison suppressed a sigh.

She went into the kitchen and set the table, just minutes later her husband and Gracie appeared.

"Did you beat him that quickly," she asked Gracie curiously.

"Someone was hungry," Derek informed her and Addison nodded with a smile as he set Gracie in the chair.

"Where's mommy," Gracie asked curiously once she had eaten some of the pasta.

"She's out with Aunt Christina and Izzie," Derek answered.

"What are they doing," another innocent question.

Addison hesitated before responding, "having an adult evening together," she finally said.

"Oh," and Gracie seemed content to leave it at that.

Derek exchanged a glance with Addison and then did a double take when he looked at Gracie. In a matter of seconds she'd managed to smear cheese all over her face.

"Uh Addie," he finally said barely managing to hold in his laughter.

"What," she glanced up at him and saw the direction of his gaze.

"Gracie," she was impressed.

"Sorry," the child looked remorseful.

"It's fine," Addison got the rag and wiped the cheese off her little cheeks.

Derek watched her interact with Gracie, suddenly filled with such a sense of hopefulness that he had to look away.

"I think that's enough for one night, are you full," Addison questioned Gracie who nodded vigorously.

"Can you go wash your hands," she asked and Gracie hopped out of the chair and vanished into the bathroom.

Derek kissed her on the cheek as she cleared the table.

"Sorry about the movie," he apologized, "we'll go for G rated."

"Ratitouee," she suggested finally and Derek laughed.

"Okay, Gracie," he turned to look for her.

She appeared with her coat in hand and Addison had to laugh agaiin at her eager expression.

"Let's go Uncle Derek," she urged.

"Okay," he followed her out the door.

Gracie held his hand willingly as they walked along the sidewalk, and Derek was almost overcome by the sensation of walking down to the store with her.

It felt so right for him to do this, like it was something he'd been born to do. He'd never done much child caring, he had patients certainly who were young, and he had nieces and nephews, but these moments alone with Gracie would do a lot more to assure him he was ready to be a parent than he realized.

As they browsed the shelves of children's movies, Gracie was contemplative, much like Meredith during a surgery. He watched her eyes take in the details of the covers, she couldn't read a huge amount of it, but titles were certainly easy enough.

"Mommy doesn't believe in fairy tales," it was a statement that took Derek by surprise.

"We never get them," Gracie paused and looked up at Derek.

"Why do you think that means she doesn't believe," he questioned and then noticed they were in front of the Disney shelf.

"She just doesn't believe in happily ever after," Gracie explained solemnly.

Derek wasn't quite sure what to say, not much in Meredith's life indicated to him that she should, but did she not believe, or did she not want Gracie to be seeing the movies and why?

"Can we get one," the inevitable question.

Derek was stuck, he knew that Gracie saw them just as fairy tales, but would Meredith mind?

"How about we get two," he needed Addison's advice.

"Cinderella," she announced proudly.

"And," he held out Ratitouee.

"Okay," she was content.

Derek got his membership and they headed back.

While Gracie went to the bathroom he turned to Addison.

"Meredith doesn't believe in fairy tales, Gracie wanted Cinderella," he said and his panicked look almost made her laugh.

"Is it okay for her to watch," he wanted to know.

"Stick with the rat chef one," Addison said finally.

"Okay," he nodded and turned around to find Gracie standing there.

"No Cinderella," she said finally.

"I think you'll like the other one too, and if your mom is okay with it, then we'll watch Cinderella next time," Addison supplied kneeling in front of her.

"Okay," Gracie didn't seem that upset.

"Let's do pajamas and teeth first," Addison suggested, "while Derek sets it up."

She helped Gracie change and then carefully brush her little teeth.

"Movie," Gracie asked once she'd rinsed.

"Yep," Addison led her out into the living room.

Derek was sitting reading a magazine, but as Gracie broke into a run he looked up just in time to catch her as she pounced on him.

"Oof," he grinned good-naturedly "aren't you getting a little big for that?"

"Mommy says that too," Gracie scrambled fully onto his lap.

"I'll be she does," he muttered reaching for the remote.

Addison settled down next to him and pulled a blanket across the three of them. Derek wrapped his arm around his wife and a contented silence fell over them.

Gracie watched the movie eagerly, but towards the end began to drift off, although she made it to the end.

For their parts, Derek and Addison weren't really watching.

They were miles away in their own world of hopes and dreams. Gracie's presence had somehow brought a new level of intimacy to their lives in just one evening. Her simple observations and statements made them realize that once they had a house and were settled in, children would be in their future.

They were both ready to become parents when the time was right.

Addison couldn't get over how Meredith had raised her on her own, and Derek couldn't get Gracie's statement about Meredith out of his head. The movie ended and they both realized that Gracie had slumped against Derek's chest and her eyes were fully closed.

Addison smothered a chuckle, "bedtime."

Derek carried her into the guest room and gently set her down under the covers tucking her in carefully.

"She's an absolute angel," he whispered smoothing back her hair.

"I know," Addison responded turning off the light.

They left the door open with the hall light on for her and headed to bed.

"Thanks for saying yes to taking her tonight," Derek put his arms around Addison as she burrowed under the covers.

"You're welcome," she murmured.

**The next morning:**

"Wake up wake up," was the first thing Addison heard before the earthquake hit.

"What," Derek sat up like a shot next to her.

"Let's go to the park," and Addison realized the floor had not in fact caved in beneath them as she came face to face with a very awake little girl.

"Gracie," Derek sighed trying not to sound impatient.

"It's sunny out Uncle Derek!"

"Gracie," Addison tried this time.

"Please," she whined.

"Go get clothes on," Derek relented first.

"You know," Addison waited until she vanished, "when we have kids, there is no way I'm letting you near the discipline," she informed him.

"What," he glanced at her looking hurt.

"Derek, you didn't even wait ten seconds before you gave in, what are you doing to do when our daughter wants to go to go to her first concert," Addison asked him.

"Lock the door," he muttered as he climbed out of bed.

"Derek," Addison groaned flopping down on the pillow again.

He glanced over his shoulder as he headed to the bathroom, "the park is not a concert Addie. We will be fine."

"It's the principle of it," she said finally.

"She's not ours," he reminded her.

"God help us when it is," she retorted, but losing some of the annoyance from her tone.

He kissed her on the forehead and vanished out the door, "you're on breakfast duty," he called as he left with Gracie.

"Get ice cream and cherries at the store," she shouted back.

By the time Gracie and Derek returned, Addison had batter and a heated pan ready.

"Ice cream and berries," Derek set them down and Addison burst out into genuine laughter. Her husband looked exhausted, Gracie looked absolutely wound up.

"We went to the park, and we bought a kite and we ran around and chased it, and there was a puppy and…" Gracie paused for a breath.

"I need a shower," Derek groaned and vanished into the bedroom.

"Did you tire him out," Addison asked the little girl.

"Uh huh," she nodded.

"Okay come here and let me get you out of that coat," Addison helped her struggle with it.

"Ready to set the table," Addison asked, Gracie was a good helper.

She stood on the stool next to Addison while they began making breakfast, Derek joined them a short while later.

Just as they were finishing up there was a knock.

"Wow, how long were we in the park," Derek glanced at the clock, it was just a little before 11.

"A while," Addison began clearing plates and Derek pulled open the door.

"Mommy mommy mommy," Gracie bounded into Meredith's open arms.

"Hi sweetie," Meredith clung to her, "did you have fun?"

"Yeah," Gracie nodded, "I want to come back."

Meredith just smiled, "Well then, what do you say?"

"Thank you Uncle Derek, and Aunt Addison," Gracie said promptly.

"Our pleasure," Addison appeared next to her husband.

"Go get all your stuff honey," Meredith set her down and she was off like a shot.

"I hope she wasn't too much trouble," Meredith said instantly.

"Not at all," Addison assured her, "lots of energy, I don't know how you do it."

Meredith rolled her eyes, but her heart wasn't in it, "she keeps me on the go, that's for sure."

"Did you have a good time," Addison asked curiously, but Meredith just nodded - she said nothing.

"Aunt Addison," Gracie's voice filtered out into the living room and Addison headed off to the bedroom.

"We got movies," Derek hesitated, "she wanted to get Cinderella, but she said something that made us think you wouldn't want her to watch it."

Meredith's eyes darkened slightly, "What was that?"

"That you didn't believe in fairy tales or happily ever after," he finally said.

She shifted, "Dr. Shepherd…"

"Derek," he said quietly.

"Derek," she tried again, "if Gracie wants to watch one when she comes over here, that's fine, I don't tell her no often. But I don't watch them with her, and I don't really have them in the house."

"Okay, if you're sure," he said.

"She knows the difference;" Meredith said softly, "between real life and fairy tales by now, the occasional movie won't change that."

Gracie and Addison returned at that moment and Derek let the rest of his questions go.

The two headed off and Derek turned to his wife.

"I miss her already," he admitted.

"Me too," she nodded, "we'll do it again soon."

"She did tire me out," he flopped onto the couch and Addison studied him.

"Looks like we'll need to produce some offspring while you can still run after them," she teased heading for the kitchen leaving Derek already falling asleep again on the sofa.


	54. Hi Stranger

Okay I'm really sorry about real life and lack of writing. This hopefully will remain a creative outlet even after school starts, but I'm done making promises that I clearly can't keep. I aim to continue till this story finishes running its course and hope you wonderful readers will stick around for the ride.

This jumps ahead to the finished house because that is where I need the story to continue on from. Nothing big has happened. Derek and Addison have baby sat for Gracie a few more times and love her to death. Meredith and the Nazi's interns are all showing potential in their respective fields of interest and here we go.

Queen Satan: We're getting there I promise. I have a few other plotlines I want to develop that will go alongside their journey

Addiekatefan: Sorry! Life gets in the way of creativity, typical

Right Hand Blue: Yeah I'll go with that for now. Thanks and enjoy

crazy-chica6: Yep, poor Derek :)

McGorgeous: Thanks for reviewing! Hope you had fun in the states. Cheers

Please review

Previously: A few months ago, Derek and Addison reconnected in an exam room, a tradition for them that they both missed and they baby sat Gracie for the first time.

Summary: House is finished and a friendly face shows up to help them celebrate.

Chapter 54: Hi Stranger

"The house is done," Addison was in shock, six months after the building began with the pictures, there they were standing again in front of the camera with the builders, but this time it was a complete house. In true Addison style, it had classy items, but it was modern and light instead of the uptight New York Brownstone they'd had previously.

Derek was silent beside her, but it was one of those awe-struck silences, he was trying to take in how quickly life had changed for them.

"Thank you," Addison finally said turning to the head foreman.

"It's our pleasure ma'am, you've both been easy to work for," he acknowledged, "and" he held out an unwrapped box for them.

Addison raised her eyebrows questioningly as she took it in her hands.

"Well, we're not much for pretty wrapping," he glanced towards the crew, "but we thought you might like this for your new mantel."

"That's very considerate of you," she finally said, shocked that the people were so friendly out here.

Curiously Addison lifted the cover; Derek came to stand next to her looking over her shoulder.

It was a picture of them, taken that first day, when Addison had launched herself into Derek's arms with excitement. Although she remembered giving the camera to the builder to hold, she'd never realized he snapped the picture.

"Thank you," she smiled at him, and looked back down. It captured their joy perfectly, unguarded and full of hope.

As they walked around the house admiring their new home, Addison breathed in the scent of fresh nature and promise. Closing her eyes, she could almost imagine the next generation of Shepherds terrorizing their home. Years earlier, giving up some of her career, or expecting Derek to do that seemed unreasonable – in a weird way – but over time, she'd come to realize what was important. After the recent years of heartbreak and distance from her husband, somehow they'd managed to find each other again. Building her life here was almost going too well, although she knew she would never get over the loss of her baby, she had to admit maybe now there had been a silver lining to all that heartache. She and Derek were stronger, apart and together, than they'd maybe ever been.

"What are you thinking," he appeared behind her almost startling her.

"How lucky we are," she said finally, and it was true for the most part.

"You seem to be deeper in thought than that," he waited but didn't push her.

"We finally are getting it right," she laughed softly out loud.

"Making up for all the times we didn't," he commented, he could always read her mind.

"I feel like maybe our baby has been our guardian angel" she said, "I don't know if we ever realized how lucky we were to have each other."

He was silent and Addison wondered where he was.

"Where are you now," she questioned somewhat serious, somewhat teasing.

"Just being glad we took the opportunity when Richard offered it," he hesitated; "our marriage was on such shaky ground in New York after…" he trailed off.

"I know," she sighed, "but I was realizing, without that horrible time, I never would have understood how my life is so connected to yours."

He met her lips as she turned her head sideways to meet his.

"I know me too," he hesitated, "I always knew I was the luckiest guy alive though."

"Let's explore," she took his hand and they began their walk through the completed structure.

There were five bedrooms, a master one, three for the family to grow and a spacious guest room. There were two bathrooms downstairs, and three upstairs as well as the family room with fireplace, a fully furnished kitchen, and a screened in front porch with a back deck overlooking another view and a hot tub. It was luxurious, but Derek wanted solar panels on the roof, lots of windows for solar heating and with so much exposure to sun, that would be a treat. Addison teased him when he decided to do it that Seattle wasn't the best place to look for solar heating, but at the same time she went along making the house as energy efficient in every way that they could.

"We should go pack up," she finally said as the last tinges of sunlight began to flood through their many windows.

"Agreed," he took her hand as they walked towards the door.

Derek locked up behind them and they walked towards the car. As they got there, Addison glanced behind her at their new home.

"It looks lonely," she said finally, feeling somewhat silly for saying it out loud.

Derek shot her an amused look, "we'll be back tomorrow for good."

That night as they were packing the phone began to ring and Addison – who was cleaning out the fridge – shouted for Derek to pick it up. After she'd thrown out the trash bag of bad food, she made her way into the bedroom.

"We've been moving for the last few weeks, our lease on the apartment is up tomorrow," Derek was telling Mark.

Suddenly he put his hand over the mouthpiece and whispered to Addison, "He wants to visit this weekend."

Addison grinned; she missed their friend, "absolutely."

"We're up for it, come on out, join us at the hospital, we'll grab a bite and retire to the hot tub with drinks," Derek proposed.

Addison rolled her eyes thinking about where Mark was going to take that.

"Are you bringing someone with you," Derek questioned and Addison spun around curiously.

"Oh, okay," Derek sounded suspicious.

"See you tomorrow buddy," he hung up, "it'll be good to see him again."

Addison grinned; she could hardly wait to show Mark their new accommodations.

"I've really missed him," she finally said.

"You're probably the only woman who has ever really said that," Derek remarked and Addison had to admit her husband had a point.

"Well, friends sure, I guess is one thing," she pointed out, "it's entirely different."

Derek's silence worried her as she realized he might actually be thinking about a different time in their lives.

"Derek," she stood in front of him, "that was then, that life, this is now and we're here together. Mark is always going to be a part of who you and I are, but that needs to be put and left in NY as much as possible," she took a deep breath, "I won't tell you what you're feeling is wrong, or that you shouldn't, but I hope someday you can believe me, when I say that was the second greatest mistake I think I've made."

He raised his head to meet her eyes, "what was the first?"

"Not making sure you knew that I've loved you more than anyone ever since the day I met you," she whispered, "I was so stupid to ever give you reason to doubt how much I loved you."

"I think we can feel unified in that mistake, it's a joint one," he finally responded and Addison wrapped her arms around him.

"I love you baby," he whispered against her hair and she just tightened her grasp around him.

**The next day:**

"Dr. Shepherd," she turned at the sound of Meredith's voice.

The younger woman looked frazzled, "Gracie's sitter called in sick, Lexie isn't available today, Adele is out of town, and Bailey needs me on dispatch for a few hours," she hesitated, "can you?"

"Sure," Addison had a pretty easy day, seeing as that Mark was showing up shortly.

"Hi Gracie," she knelt down in front of the child.

Gracie grinned at her, "hi Aunt Addison," she responded.

"Come here," Addison scooped her up and headed for her office.

Addison was filling out paperwork while Gracie was coloring when a voice sounded out behind her.

"Hey you," and she whirled around in her chair.

"Mark!" she threw her arms around him and he gave her a tight hug.

"How's my favorite woman," he asked cheerfully.

"Great and she was.

He studied her face carefully and then let out a soft breath, "wow Addie."

"What," she frowned.

"You don't even look like the same woman who left NY," he said finally.

She sighed, "A lot has changed Mark."

"Good," he nodded, "good," he repeated sounding relieved.

"Who's that," Gracie's voice and presence holding onto her leg reminded her that she wasn't alone.

"Hi," Mark eyed her curiously and then raised his eyebrows.

"Gracie," she smiled, "this is our friend Mark, from NY."

"Oh," the child said softly, "hi."

"Hi there," Mark grinned and Addison stared in shock as he squatted down to her eyelevel.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," he said solemnly, "how old are you Gracie?"

She held up four fingers, "almost five."

"Wow, you're a lady," he grinned at her.

She suddenly buried her face in Addison's skirt and he stood up.

"She's shy," Addison mouthed.

He nodded in understand as Addison picked Gracie up.

"Let's go find Derek," she began to give him a tour of the hospital.

Minutes later Derek's voice rang out, "Mark!"

Mark turned and found himself embraced in a strong hug by his best friend.

"Derek, missed you man!"

"I've missed you too," Derek assured him and smiled at Gracie as he noticed her in Addison's arms.

"Lunch," Derek suggested, "Gracie, are you hungry?"

"Macaroni and cheese," her eyes lit up and Mark grinned.

"I approve of her choices," he announced and Gracie frowned at him.

"What," he was confused.

"You have to get your own," she informed him.

"Oh right," Mark back peddled quickly, "absolutely, but I'm going to get more than you."

"Why," Gracie looked decidedly annoyed.

"Mark," Derek hissed.

"Because I'm bigger," Mark argued.

"That's not fair, you're old too," Gracie pouted.

Addison would have laughed out loud if she didn't know how truly aggravated Gracie was.

"We're going to go get coats," she said hastily and made a quick retreat.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Derek threw Mark a glare, "she's a kid Mark."

Mark made a face, "what's your point?"

"You do not provoke them," Derek sighed.

"Fine," Mark let it go.

At the diner across the street, the four of them found a booth and ordered their meals. Gracie got macaroni and cheese, Mark decided to go for something a little more substantial. About half way through the meal, Addison noticed Gracie studying Mark thoughtfully. Mark was still oblivious.

"Mark," her little voice startled him and he glanced at her suspiciously.

"Do you want some," she held out a spoonful of the macaroni and cheese and Mark let out a soft chuckle.

"Do you have enough, you need lots of it to grow up big like me," he reminded her.

"Uh huh," she nodded still holding out the spoon and Mark took it.

"Thanks," he ate it and licked his lips, "yummy."

Gracie just grinned and Addison smiled at Derek. Gracie was clearly advanced in the skill of charming adults if she could convert Mark.

Just then Addison's pager went off, "oh I have to get Gracie back," she said.

"Come on Gracie, time to go," she turned to the child with her coat in hands.

"Will I see Mark again," she asked sliding out of the booth.

"You bet," Mark answered for her.

They crossed back across to the hospital, and Meredith stood there waiting.

"I hope she wasn't too much trouble," she said apologetically.

"Not at all," Addison assured her, "She never is."

"We ate lunch with their friend from New York," Gracie told her.

"Oh," Meredith looked at her daughter and then at Addison, "you have friends in town?"

"Just one, Mark Sloan," Addison laughed, "but his presence is big enough for two or three people."

Meredith shook her head, "I know those people," and then quickly knelt down, "time to get you home to Lexie," she said.

"Thanks Addison," she called over her shoulder as she rushed out.

"Anytime," Addison responded as she headed back to the diner.

Reviews make me happy, I've started writing the next chapter and hopefully it'll be up tomorrow if I can make the time to finish it tonight.


	55. Not so Stranger Anymore

Hi all,

I'm sorry for the shortness, I'm writing a research proposal and a paper for this week and I don't have time. I did promise I'd update soon so here you go. Please review and I hope to post the next chapter mid-week.

Queen Satan: HA! Nicely worded :) Hopefully your curiosity will soon be quelled

crazy-chica6: I missed Mark too, and I think he needed to go away for a bit. But he's currently making a guest appearence.

Addiekatefan: I always like reading ff after finishing something. Glad you liked it.

McDayDreaming: I'm glad they are too, yah!

Greys4evr: Thanks for reading, here you go!

Right Hand Blue: to deal with the starvation. Enjoy.

Previously: Mark arrives for a visit and is charmed by Gracie

Summary: Mark approves of the life that his friends created, Derek is concerned about Meredith.

**Chapter 55: Not so Strange(r) Anymore**

After Addison returned to the diner, the chatter eventually turned to Mark's love life and Derek and Addison heard about several women, including one in particular. However in typical Mark fashion, it didn't work out.

"She was great," Mark sighed as he finished his story, "but just not right for me."

"It shocks me that you haven't found the one," Derek remarked lightly, "I mean I know you were head over heels for Addie, but come on man."

Mark laughed, and it didn't sound forced, "after you guys left, I realized that it was the right thing for you both, and it shows," he nodded approvingly, "you look wonderful."

"Thanks," Derek threw a loving look at his wife, but turned back to his best friend, "seriously man, you have to find a Mrs. Sloan."

Mark shook his head, "time to show me this new house of yours," he hinted and Derek let him off the hook.

"I'm ready to go right now," Addison spoke up, "why don't we head back and we'll meet you there."

Gone were the days Derek would have hesitated, "I have stuff at the hospital to get," he acknowledged, "See you soon."

Addison gave him a quick kiss on the lips, and then reached for Mark's offered arm, "hurry up, the hot tub is waiting," she reminded him.

Derek watched them walk away, Addison teasing Mark about something and heard Mark's groan. He laughed softly to himself; they really were all good friends.

He headed back across the street and entered the hospital, nodding to a few people he knew, before heading up to neurosurgery; once there, he signed his charts and checked on his post-ops. It had been a good few days, successful surgeries and no one had died. He mentally knocked on wood and headed towards the nurses station.

"Sandy," the nurse on call glanced up at him.

"I'm headed out," he hesitated, "page me if anything comes up, but Dr. Nolan should be on call."

"We'll get him first, have a nice evening," she smiled at him. Derek tried hard to be nice to the nurses at all costs and it paid off, he didn't feel like dagger eyes were always following him. He knew that many surgeons were not so careful, and Mark Sloan – despite his good heart – had his moments. Many nurses back in NY steered clear of him. His thoughts drifted to Mark. He was thrilled to have his friend out visiting, but concerned because Mark seemed to attach so little to personal connections. Derek sighed inwardly, that wasn't fair of him he supposed, to make those generalizations. Mark held his friendship with Derek, and with Addison, very close. He had been a great caretaker of Derek's group of sisters after he met them, and he was endlessly thoughtful towards those he really cared about. Why then the lack of a partner? Derek knew that Mark was a bit of a manwhore, but still, he believed that Mark wanted and could have the type of relationship he and Addie made together.

Derek headed back towards the elevator lost in thought, but was diverted from his musings by a sniffle

He backtracked to the closet and glanced around him before pushing the door open. His heart tightened as he took in the figure sitting on the floor leaning against the storage rack, head on knees, crying as if her heart was broken.

"Meredith?"

**Meanwhile:**

"So you're happy," Mark studied the woman next to him who was concentrating on rush hour traffic.

"Yes I am," there was no hesitation in her voice.

"You and Derek are good," he waited for confirmation.

"Yes, we're finally back on track," he could see how content she was. It was like old times where they could have been the only two people on earth.

"How is he," Mark hated to break her happy world apart, but he had to know.

She shot him a questioning glance, "he's doing great Mark, he hasn't had any issues lately," although she appreciated his concern, she resented it as well.

"I believe you Addie, I've just known him a while, and I wanted to make sure that there wasn't anything I should know," Mark assured her.

"Okay," she took a soft breath trying to calm down.

"And you, are you thinking about more children," he knew he was pushing, but he wasn't around them anymore and therefore wasn't sure what they were thinking.

"The time is almost right, we got the house together, and we're both settled in and happy at our jobs," she responded, "we just want a little longer being happy and okay together before we really decide to bring a child into the mix."

It sounded like AddisonandDerek logic to Mark, smart, confident and cautious.

"I can't wait to be an uncle," he mused.

"Oh," Addison shot him a glance, "seriously Mark?"

"Why not," he looked slightly offended.

"Well," she hesitated, "you've never really been interested in kids."

"I like kids," he protested, "didn't you see me with Gracie?"

Addison shrugged, "she's one kid Mark, and she's not yours so it's not like that means a huge amount."

"What part of, uncle, wasn't clear?" He glared at her.

"Right," she responded, "sorry."

She saw the look of uncertainty on his face and felt bad, he had gotten along relatively well with Gracie and she knew that he wanted to be an uncle, that part of him probably liked kids even more than he realized.

"Our kids will be really lucky," she finally said.

His eyes shot to hers and softened seeing the understanding and sincerity in hers.

"I could rent a place out here for a month during the summer so I could spoil them rotten, where's a good place to look," he asked.

"Slow down there," she cautioned, "they're not in existence yet."

Mark shrugged, "okay if you say so."

Minutes later the scenery was far more remote and Mark made a face, "Addison?"

"Yes," she kept driving.

"You aren't some crazy ax murderer are you," he inquired, "you're not taking me far away to dipose of the body once I'm dead are you?"

"Mark, we don't live in the city," she reminded him rolling her eyes.

"Or in the suburbs," he remarked glancing at the window at the trees.

She rolled her eyes as she made a left up the driveway, and Mark whistled as they pulled up to the house.

"Damn Addie," he climbed out and grabbed his bag from the backseat.

"It's nice huh," she said, "makes living out here alright by me."

"Yeah I guess it does," he dropped his stuff on the floor and headed into the living room while Addison went to find them some drinks.

"What would you like," she called out.

"Anything's good," he responded his eyes taking in their new life. He was impressed; it was stylish, but friendlier than New York.

"You've really made this place into a home," he headed towards the kitchen.

"We felt like an open place was good for us to spend time in together," she poured him a drink, "the brownstone wasn't really about living, it was about having a place to sleep."

"Here's to you and Derek," he raised his glass to hers and she smiled back.

**Back at the hospital.**

Derek closed the door behind him and studied the figure, it was certainly Meredith Grey.

"Meredith," he stepped closer.

"Dr. Shepherd, please go away" he knelt in front of her at the use of his title.

"Meredith," he tried again. She was freaking him out.

"Please leave," she begged him, her voice shaking.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong," he settled onto the floor next to her. He debated wrapping his arm around her, but decided to let this conversation run its course. He didn't want to spook her.

"It's not a big deal," she protested still not looking at him.

Derek didn't bother to respond to that, instead he waited. She couldn't deny that she was upset if she wanted to and the fact that he wasn't going to leave would eventually cause her to crack. Suddenly a thought came to him.

"Is Gracie alright," he asked worriedly, ready to leap into action if he needed to.

Meredith nodded, "she's with Lexie."

Derek fell silent again, breathing fully, and his mind working furiously, what had happened to her?

"Did the medivac go okay," he inquired, "did something happen in the field."

Again, a shake of the head and nothing was said.

"Meredith, if you don't talk to me, I can't help," he finally said patiently.

"There's nothing you can do to fix this," she whispered. His mind was once again filled with horrible images.

"Are you pregnant," he inquired suddenly and was rewarded by the sight of two horrified eyes.

"God no," she wiped the tears away and managed a shaky laugh.

Derek mentally crossed that off the list and studied her face trying to figure out what had gotten to the young woman, who was normally so composed.

"I'm not good at guessing games," he finally said, "is it that you're sick, having trouble with rent, lost a patient, please talk to me."

"Mark Sloan," those two words were not what Derek had anticipated.

Part of him groaned internally, how had he gotten to her so quickly? Then he frowned in confusion, he couldn't have.

"What about Mark," he hesitated, "did you meet him today, I thought you were out, how'd you know he was around," he asked.

"Gracie," she finally said, "she met him."

Derek felt like an idiot, Gracie would have told Meredith all about him.

"She probably isn't that attached yet to him," he said finally uncertain in tone, Gracie wouldn't mind when Mark left. He knew Meredith was concerned about her daugther making attachments that weren't going to last.

"It's not that," Meredith said looking down.

"Right," he hesitated again trying to figure out what was going on.

There was silence from her end and then Derek felt like he'd been hit over the head, it wasn't possible, was it?

"Meredith?"

She met his gaze seeing the disbelief in his eyes, and her eyes welled up again.

He stared at her and watched as the tears spilled down her cheeks, suddenly it was all starting to make sense, horrible horrible sense.

"Is he Gracie's father," he croaked out.


	56. We Meet Again

Hi all,

A nice long chapter for you here, please review!

McDayDreaming: Surprise :) I'm having so much fun with this twist. You have no idea.

McGorgeous: Oh Nebraksa, see if you can get those people to vote for Obama will you? Just kidding, glad you enjoyed the chapter and yes they are parents.

Right Hand Blue: Oh well, I like trying to surprise readers, and then leave them gaping. It doesn't happen often though.

addiekatefan: Thanks! I aim to be unpredictable at times. This was a beauty. When I first introduced Gracie back in the 20s, I was already planning, patience is a virtue, but whew long wait.

Crazy-chica6: some squee, sort of as requested.

Strong NC-17 in the middle during the flashback. I know it may not quite be the type of smut some of you wanted, but I promise Addek will be back.

Previously: "Is he Gracie's father?"

Summary: Re-introductions are made, but some things are left unsaid

**Chapter 56: We Meet Again**

"Is he Gracie's father," the words that he'd just spoken echoed in his mind.

Meredith stared at him for a long moment – as if time itself had frozen – before she nodded.

"Yes," she managed to whisper and Derek closed his eyes trying to realize what that meant.

"Mark, Mark Sloan," he said again, "he's Gracie's father?"

Meredith nodded, "I knew this was going to happen, since I saw his picture on the mantel, but I wasn't prepared for it," she sighed, "I don't know how one could really prepare."

Derek remembered teasing her about the recognition of Mark's picture.

"So you didn't just know him because of his fame," Derek realized.

"Well that's how I met him," she admitted finally, "but I suppose what you're saying is true."

Derek was trying to remember when Mark was in the Seattle area.

"He came out to a conference," she finally said, "I'd just graduated from college and was moving back here to go to medical school."

Derek couldn't imagine Mark with someone that young, "you were what, 21?"

She nodded, "just 21," she blushed then before she continued, "he was so charming."

Derek knew Mark had that effect on women, but this was Meredith. He wasn't sure how his friend was going to take this.

"Meredith you must have known that," he didn't know how to finish.

"He's a ladies man?" Apparently he didn't have to complete the sentence.

"Yeah," he trailed off lamely.

"I knew the moment I saw him, it's hard not to," she grinned, "he was on a panel, he was so assured, so solid," an embarrassed look flinted across her face, "I was young and impressionable."

"What happened," Derek asked and then backtracked, "I mean after he left."

"It was an accident, we were careful, but we were both intoxicated, and the condom broke," she sighed sadly, "it was all a blur."

"You didn't tell him?" Derek questioned.

"He was gone by the time I woke up," she finished and Derek felt a flash of anger at his friend.

"Come back to the house with me," he didn't know where that came from and judging from the look of horror on Meredith's face, she didn't either.

"I can't!" She was literally paling in front of his eyes.

"Yes you can, he's here for a bit, and he's going to see you soon enough, let's break the ice," Derek said finally.

Meredith looked frantic, "Derek!"

"Seriously Meredith," he urged her, "we'll be there for you."

She gaped at him, "but but," she was at a loss.

"You can't avoid him forever," Derek said softly, "he's going to be around for a week or two, and visiting quite a bit. You're one of our good friends out here, it's going to happen, why wait around and let it go until it seems weird that it hasn't happened and get all worked up about it?"

The younger woman wiped her eyes and nodded, "okay," she said finally standing.

Derek ushered her into the lounge to compose herself and then called his house.

"Hello," Addison answered the phone as Mark headed to put on his swimming trunks for the hot tub.

"Addie," Derek's voice sounded strained.

"What's up," she picked up a glass figuring he was on his way home and checking to see if they needed anything, which meant he was about ten minutes out.

"I just found something out," he finally said and Addison stopped doing stuff to listen.

"I don't have time to explain in detail, but I'm bringing Meredith back for the evening," he continued and Addison smiled.

"Sounds good," she said, "Mark can meet her then."

"Well, uh," her husband stammered and Addison frowned.

"What," she demanded.

"They've already met," he finally responded.

"When!" Addison questioned curiously.

"Well," Derek took a deep breath, "five years ago when Mark came out to present on a panel."

Addison sighed realizing what Derek meant, Mark was a typical manwhore and had slept with Meredith Grey.

"Derek," she groaned, "is there no place he hasn't managed to sleep with anyone in this country."

"That's not really the issue Addie," Derek sounded rushed and Addison hesitated.

"Wait, did you say five years ago," she suddenly felt everything getting fuzzy.

"Yep," Derek knew the light had gone on.

"Gracie," Addison finally said and heard the toilet flush.

"Yeah I wanted to let you know, but don't tell Mark, we're on our way," Derek said, "I've got to go."

She hung up and reached for her glass, fighting for her composure.

"Last one in is a rotten egg," Mark headed for the porch and hot tub.

"We'll see about that," Addison said under her breath.

Derek and Meredith were in the car, and Meredith was nervous.

"It'll be okay," he said finally.

"I don't have a suit," she responded and he almost laughed.

"Addie can lend you one," he assured her and climbed out going around to open the door for her.

"They're in the hot tub," he heard it going and led the way to the porch.

"Hey man," Mark grinned as Derek stepped out onto the deck and his grin faded instantly when Meredith stepped out from behind him.

"Meredith," his voice was stunned.

"Hi Mark," she finally said softly and although Derek could almost feel her trembling next to him, she held his eyes.

Derek watched Mark's expression, the whole thing was surreal, but Mark's eyes told him a lot. They were alight with a strange type of pleasure, intrigue, and desire. They were alive, more so than Derek had ever seen with anyone.

"You know Derek and Addie," he finally said.

"I'm an intern at Seattle Grace," she smiled hesitantly.

"It's great to see you again Meri," the nickname rolled of his tongue and Addison raised her eyebrows at Derek ever so slightly.

"Can she borrow one of your suits," Derek asked his wife, and Addison nodded quickly climbing out and wrapping a towel around her waist.

"Come on Meredith," she led the way inside and Mark let out a whoosh of breath as they vanished.

"Shit," he said.

"Having any historical regrets," Derek would have laughed if the situation wasn't so serious.

"Sort of, but not really," Mark hesitated, "I regret that I took off, she was special."

"She is special," Derek contradicted and Mark glanced at him suspiciously.

"Dude, I'm not you in any way" Derek rolled his eyes, "she's a friend of ours and she has had it rough."

"I'm sure having Ellis Grey as your mom sucks," Mark said finally and Derek resisted the urge to let the Gracie's gene pool slip. That was Meredith's news to share.

"Yeah well, fame and what-not," Derek finished lamely.

"Dude, go get your suit and get out here, it's awesome," Mark looked like he wanted to talk about anything else but the young woman upstairs.

"This should fit," Addison pulled out a suit and threw it at Meredith.

"I can't wear this in front of him," Meredith looked appalled at the skimpy red bikini.

"I don't have any others, and you've worn even less in front of him, what's the big deal," Addison ribbed her and Meredith flushed.

"He was just one of those guys," she admitted, "I wanted him."

"He still wants you," Addison informed her and Meredith groaned.

"You deny you still do," Addison pressed. Meredith shrugged.

"That's beside the point, there's Gracie now," she argued.

"So," Addison challenged her, "you can still want him regardless."

"Fine," Meredith glared at her and then got up to change in the bathroom.

"When are you going to tell him about Gracie," Addison called out to her.

"I was thinking never, I mean he doesn't really need to know," Meredith responded," he's not here for more than a week right, I could just avoid him."

"Meredith," Addison felt a flash of indignation.

"Addison, I really don't want him to get involved in this," Meredith snapped.

"Well it's not fair to have Derek and I keep this secret for you, he's our best friend. You can choose when and dictate the terms of it," Addison told her, "but we do have to tell him."

"Not tonight, but I will," Meredith emerged and Addison could only imagine the look on Mark's face when he saw her.

Meredith followed Addison down the stairs feeling a sense of dread in her, she remembered that dizzying night with Mark. If he was a ladies man, she didn't doubt why. She still remembered that day so vividly.

**Flashback (NC 17 part folks)**

"Check him out," Sally nudged Meredith as they settled into the second row into the seats their friends have saved for them.

"Who," Meredith was busy turning off her phone.

"Seriously," Sally asked staring at her in shock and Meredith looked up.

Her jaw almost dropped; lounging in his chair, eyes caressing the crowd, was a gorgeous specimen knew just how appealing he looked.

Just then his eyes met Meredith's and held hers, a knowing smile spread across his face and he winked at her.

"Oh my god!" Sally nudged her, "he just winked at you."

"Stop," Meredith blushed bright red looking at the floor.

"He's such a catch," Sally gushed and Meredith risked another look at him only to meet his eyes again.

This time their intensity took her breath away. She could almost imagine standing in front of him, as he mentally undressed her, and then he would walk towards her and…

"Feeling okay," Sally's voice broke through her lusty thoughts.

"Sure," Meredith pulled out her notebook.

She'd come to the conference just to learn more about the disciplines in medicine, but she left uncertain and not knowing anything.

"Meredith," Sally snickered at her and Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Let's go out," she said finally.

"Okay," Sally wasn't surprised. Meredith liked to party.

They dressed up and Sally gaped at Meredith as she stepped out of the bathroom.

"Damn girl," she admired her tight black strapless dress that went down to her mid thighs, her very tall black sandals, pearl necklace, matching earrings and black clutch with a silver clash matched the outfit. Her blonde hair had been washed, fluffed and thrown over sideways.

"You look hot," Sally studied her.

They'd been at the high end club for about twenty minutes and Meredith was on her second drink before she noticed Mark.

He was staring straight at her and before she could react or nudge Sally, he was headed straight for her.

"Hey," he stopped in front of her, towering over her tiny frame.

"Dance," he proposed.

"Sure," Meredith turned to find Sally and a few other friends sneaking glances, she signaled to them that she was headed for the dance floor and they made their way into the crowd.

"You look great," Mark complimented and Meredith smiled.

"Thanks, you cut a nice figure today," she returned.

"Mmm," Mark grinned at her, "glad you noticed."

"Please, every woman in that room noticed," Meredith retorted.

"I have that gift," Mark noted pulling her into him.

Meredith kept a straight face even as she felt his arousal press into her.

"What's your name beautiful," he asked softly.

"Meredith Grey," she managed to respond.

"Nice to meet you," he grinned down at her and she blushed feeling incredibly sexy.

Mark somehow managed to be a gentleman and move incredibly quickly for the next half hour. Meredith honestly felt that it wasn't really fair that she felt at ease with him and yet his lips were already working their way down her neck by the end of the third dance.

She was aware that her nipples had tightened and warmth was pooling in her stomach, he turned her around and his lips pressed against her bare neck.

"Meredith," he whispered.

"Mmm," she moaned back.

"Come home with me," he invited and although normally she would have said no, she found herself with little to no control over her actions.

She wasn't drunk, she just wanted him.

"I want you," he mumbled against her ear and she gasped softly hearing the lust in his voice.

"Where are you staying," She asked.

"Hilton, right around the corner, room 636," he told her perhaps anticipating her next question.

"Okay," she went to get her things.

"Sally, I'm going home with him," she said and Sally gaped.

"Damn girl, you don't waste time," but she saw the desire in Meredith's eyes.

"Where," she asked.

"Hilton, 636," Meredith told her.

"Call me tomorrow by 11," that was their rule.

"Bye," Meredith hugged her and followed Mark out.

The walk passed quickly and once in his room, Mark pulled her close kissing her with a passion that left her unable to stand.

He quickly unzipped her dress and she was left standing in front of him in the lacy underwear and bra and high heels.

"Jesus," he whispered and Meredith tried not to fidget watching his eyes take in every detail.

"Turn around," he said finally spoke, his voice tight, and Meredith hesitated.

Mark instantly lost some of his intensity, "are you okay?"

Meredith managed a nod, "yeah, sorry."

"Never apologize to me," Mark spoke firmly.

Meredith saw understanding and sincerity staring at her in his deep eyes and she turned around.

"You don't have to," Mark hadn't moved.

"I want to," she felt much better.

She almost trembled as she felt his huge physical presence behind her.

He said nothing, their heavy breathing was the only sound in the room, suddenly Mark vanished and Meredith snapped her head to the side, watching as soft sounds of Enya filled the room.

"It's the relaxing station," Mark said softly, "I like to use it to calm my mind before I give talks."

Meredith wanted to laugh for a minute before she realized that he was serious, and then that she was being given a glimpse behind the masked Mark most probably knew.

His hands brushed away the hair from the back of her neck and his lips fell to kiss the nape, she inhaled sharply.

Next his hands ran down her arms, and then slid to her belly and to the top of her lacey black thong.

He stopped there and gently nipped her earlobe; Meredith groaned loudly feeling the warmth now building. She wanted him to touch her.

"Mark," she couldn't hide the desperation.

"What do you want Meredith," his voice was languid, carefree, husky.

"Please," her young body, somewhat experienced, had never before felt like this.

"Shush," he whispered, "just enjoy it."

She bit her lip trying not to beg him.

"I bet no one has treated you like this before, given you pleasure," Mark guessed. He knew the young beauties were in high demand, but ones Meredith's age – early 20s, sometimes hadn't known the pleasures of much older men. He could feel her urgency, and also her uncertainty; she didn't know how to handle the pace he was setting. He wanted her to melt into a mess before his eyes; he wanted to pleasure her until she couldn't move. There was vulnerability behind her expressive eyes, a sign she was craving someone to take care of her and she was trying to hide it. Mark found himself responding strongly to her poised nature, and attempted strength. He wanted to lavish attention on her, make her feel cherished; possess her to an extent she'd never experienced. It would take time.

"Pffffff," she tried to control her exhale, somewhat unsuccessfully.

"Have they Meredith," he demanded.

"No," she admitted.

"I'm going to make you come until you don't have energy to move," Mark promised, "until you can't do anything but beg for me to stop and continue at the same time."

Meredith closed her eyes unable to handle the images that came to mind.

Minutes later, one hand slipped beneath the elastic. She'd gotten so used to his presence all around her, so at ease with his movements, that she was startled by it.  
"Oh," she gasped.

"Spread your legs Meredith," he urged her.

She did so, and he leaned over and whispered, "Now open your eyes Meredith."

Puzzled at how he knew that she had closed them earlier, she opened them and a gush of liquid wet her thong as she realized they were standing in front of the mirror.

She watched Mark's pleased expression and then he bent his head again to her shoulders.

Meredith felt like she was going to collapse, "Mark," she whimpered, "I'm feeling faint."

Instantly she felt him sturdy his balance behind her and his left arm crossed in front of her under her breasts, and his hand came to rest on her right breast. Suddenly she was braced firmly against him.

"Even if your knees give out, I've got you," he assured her.

"Ohhhh," she groaned out loud.

His hand inched lower and she closed her eyes to avoid watching the mirror.

"Open them," his voice in her ear made her tense.

"I can't," she gasped.

"Open," he urged her.

"Mark, I'm going to come," she had never before met someone who could almost make her come without touching her.

"No, you're not," he was firm in his conviction.

"You don't know that," she squirmed.

"Easy," he said, "inhale," his hand had paused.

She did so, "and exhale," he coached. She felt some tension leave her body.

"Open your eyes Meri," the nickname fell off his tongue.

She obeyed this time and his eyes burned into hers as they stared at each other.

"Ready," he asked and she nodded feeling a sense of control.

"I won't let you break," he continued, "you're not going to come until I want you to."

Meredith felt her knees buckle, but she didn't move, he was really holding her and slowly she felt them stabilize.

His hand slipped all the way down, two fingers grazed either side of her throbbing clit squeezing it softly, before going lower, and slipping into her. Meredith wailed, her head falling back on his chest.

"Good girl," his hand stilled while his left hand gently pinched her tight nipple. She felt his lips touch her cheek.

"You're a goddess Meredith Grey," he whispered.

"Ahhhh," she wailed incoherently.

Mark felt her embarrassment, but he knew that as he continued to pleasure her, she would relish it and become more at ease.

Before she came, he withdrew his fingers wishing to postpone her pleasure for one more minute.

Meredith felt an unbearable sense of loss, of connection and she flinched. Mark felt concern wash over him and hesitated, "Meredith?"

She met his eyes and he saw the loss, his heart ached.

He had wanted to make her crave her release, to savor it, but not at the cost of her expression. He knew that the longer he could hold it off, the more enjoyable it would be, but "tell me what you want."

"Please put them back," she whimpered and as his hand slid down and fingers back she gasped with relief and her hand rested on top of his. He waited quietly for her to relax.

Meredith didn't need him to move his fingers, but the sense of loss had startled her. She knew he saw it, but she wasn't used to this type of love-making where the lover was about this type of connection before sex. It startled her how content it made her feel.

"I want you," she whispered softly then.

"You have me," he assured her and he felt her stiffen slightly.

"I know," she finally responded, but he knew her words meant more.

With one last rub of her clit he pulled his hand out, and suddenly scooped her up depositing her on the bed.

He stood above her disheveled form and stripped down to his boxers before pulling a condom out and putting it on the dresser. He then knelt at the end of the bed and removed her sandals before kneeling between her legs and seductively removing her underwear.

He stared down at her open and willing feeling his heart swell, her arms reached for him and he sprawled over her tiny form kissing her as if his life depended on it.

Her wetness was on his boxers and she gasped feeling him pressing against her.

"Mark," she begged.

He divested himself of his boxers and rolled on the condom, "how do you want to do this?"

Meredith stared; normally the men she slept with would go ahead in the traditional position.

"Meredith?"

She hesitated, "um?"

"What do you want to do?" He asked and suddenly she rolled over.

Mark grinned, he knew most women had preferences despite the traditionally thought of positions.

She felt him resting on her and she spread her legs, as he thrust slowly up into her, every sensory nerve exploded and she gripped the sheets.

Mark paused waiting for her to adjust before he continued and he felt Meredith relax, he pushed further until he was buried inside her, pushing up against her cervix.

"Jesus," she whispered as he finally filled her, she felt full.

"Okay," he asked.

"You're huge," she laughed nervously and he almost came right then.

Willing himself to have more willpower he settled down slightly to her right, propping himself up on his elbow and gripping her right hand in his.

His left hand slid south and she jerked as his fingers found her clit again.

He began to move, his huge body rubbing against hers, and Meredith closed her eyes and let herself float, before long she was starting to wail.

Mark loved watching her, "I want you to feel this Meredith, hold on a little while longer," he encouraged, "how do you feel?"

"I need to come," she cried out.

"No, you want to come," he murmured, "you don't need to yet."

He moved his hand to her stomach to steady her and felt her relax a bit; Meredith concentrated on feeling him move in and out of her.

"Mark," her face held an expression of bliss.

"That's it baby," he smiled, "soak it in."

Feeling him in her, filling her, surrounding her and loving her made Meredith want to stay sheltered by him forever. He just kept giving and giving, her body craved him like a poison. Mark felt her opening up to him, trusting him and trying to follow his encouragements, he knew she was ready.

"Okay Meredith," he soothed, "I'm going to make you come," years of certainty he knew would help here, "and I want you to relax as much as you can and feel it coming."

Meredith heard his words, heard the promise, and tightened her grip around his hand.

Mark lifted her leg higher sliding his leg further between hers to brace them for the coming onslaught, angling his knee into the mattress. He slid his left hand back to her clit holding her close to his frame with his arm at the same time, and began sharp thrusts, hips snapping against her tiny frame with rapid urgency, then finally concentrated his rubbing against her swallow clit with extra firm strokes around the bundle of oversensitive nerves.

Meredith screamed into the pillow, her body writhing trying to get away from the sensations, but he held her firmly in place. She was so confused, he was making her want more and less at the same time. Her free hand flew behind her to bring his head towards hers where she seized a kiss, but had to break away for air. She held his neck, held him close to her even as she squirmed against him.

Her hand tightened on his in a vice grip, even her nails, as her body seized, the tension built to an unbearable degree, everything went hazy, and then suddenly she broke, her head snapped back and her mouth opened gasping for air noiselessly as waves of warmth flooded her.

Mark felt her entire climax violently run through her and watched her succumb to it.

She finally slumped against him, Mark stayed where he was.

"How did you not come," she finally managed to ask.

"Practice," he said teasingly and she laughed weakly.

"God, that was amazing," she was lost in him, helplessly lost.

**End flashback.**

"Meredith," Addison had stopped when the younger woman's footsteps paused behind her. She noticed how Meredith's face had a wistful expression on it and eventually a sad one.

"Sorry," Meredith pulled herself together. After that amazing night, complete with more wonderful hours of love-making and falling asleep in each other's arms, it was over. Now that man, who'd she allowed herself to fall inexplicably for was sitting outside unaware that he had a daughter. He was Mark Sloan – surgeon of the highest caliber – and he wasn't staying. She wouldn't tell him about her daughter, wouldn't let that tie him down. She knew that despite his reputation he had a good heart, she wouldn't burden him with their lives.

Derek avoided the topic of Meredith, and was halfway through a story from earlier that day at the hospital when he noticed Mark staring, and not listening anymore.

Following his gaze he realized that the sight of Meredith had him speechless as she walked out the door.

"Jesus," Mark breathed quietly under his breath.

Derek smiled to himself, Mark and Meredith…and Gracie.

"Hi," Meredith approached them uncertainly, Addison leading the way.

Derek offered her a drink as she climbed in and she accepted gratefully.

Mark stared at her, "you look great Meredith," he complimented her.

"Thanks," she whispered softly remembering that night he approached her and she lost her breath, she wasn't that naïve anymore, but her heart still fluttered.

Addison had settled next to Derek and they were both watching the interaction. None of them knew exactly what transpired but it was growing clear that perhaps it hadn't been the typical Mark routine. Maybe she'd gotten under his skin.

"It's been a while, how have you been," Mark questioned.

"Great," Meredith responded biting her tongue about Gracie, she saw Addison's expression and focused on Mark.

She gushed about her residency, and of course working with Derek and Addison, she never once let on about anything in her life outside of the hospital.

"So you do anything else except be a perfect doctor," Mark teased lightly.

Meredith grit her teeth realizing she was so close to letting the cat out of the bag, "nope," she said grinning, "it's what I do best."

"You got to make time for people Meredith," he said and Addison fought a roll of her eyes.

Derek watched Meredith fighting her urge to tell him about Gracie, but it wasn't his place to say anything. He let his friend tease the younger woman and assumed that Meredith was trying to protect everyone from getting hurt.

"I think we should call it a night," he finally announced, "it's late and we've been in here a while."

"Meredith," he questioned, "can you stay over?"

"I need to get back," for Gracie, the unspoken name between them.

"Okay," Derek stood up.

"I'll take you," Mark said quickly and Derek didn't miss the look of panic on her face.

"You've had a long day and lots to drink buddy," Derek shook his head, "we're good."

In the car on the way to her place, Meredith was silent.

"Why not tell him?" Derek asked.

"Why bother," she quietly responded, "he's leaving soon anyway."

"He really likes Gracie," Derek said softly remembering his friend's affection for the little girl.

"I'm glad, but she can't get her heart broken," Meredith said firmly.

"And you," Derek finally asked her.

She said nothing for several minutes, and after he'd pulled up and she'd climbed out, she then turned back to him.

"I somehow believed that the one night might be the beginning, but it ended quickly," she sighed softly, "I started over Derek, I never expected to be so taken, and then take it so hard."

"I know," he realized that she was an independent soul, to be suddenly intensely connected to someone and have it last one night could have been devastating.

"Without Gracie," she sighed, "I would have been able to move on, but I see her and I dream about what might have been."

"What could still be," Derek said feeling the need to correct her.

"No," she shook her head, "he shouldn't be obligated," and she closed the door with a smile despite the sadness in her eyes.

"I don't think he'd see it that way," Derek said out loud as he put the car in reverse and headed home.

Please review. It's nice and long to make up for the last short one.


	57. Realizations

Well Everyone,

No excuses, just lots of life changes, from senior year insanity and a part time job, to graduation, to vacation, and moving to DC and a new job and settling in and then a busy holiday season. I make no promises about when I'll update next, but I do have a plot outline for this story, so there is still hope. I'd like to thank SeriouslyAddison for the message on my day off which inspired me to sit down and finish this chapter I started months ago. Reviews are always appreciated. Little NC-17 in here at the mid-point.

Chapter 57: Realizations

Mark was quiet at breakfast the next morning. Derek had invited him into the hospital to say hello to Richard, and also to observe any surgeries he wanted. Mark was enthusiastic in his response, but Derek suspected that wasn't really his sole reason for wanting to go in. He was hoping to see Meredith again.

Derek waited until Addison had gone to get dressed before he mentioned her to Mark.

"So, Meredith is coming in at ten," he said casually watching Mark almost choke on his coffee.

"Who," Mark sputtered with such a pathetic attempt at playing it cool that Derek didn't even bother to hide his eye roll.

"Seriously Mark," he glared at him, "get it together."

"Dude, come on," Mark looked frustrated, "she just appears, five years after we slept together and you expect me to be all cool about it?"

"Normally, I can't really imagine any woman getting under your skin enough for you to remember her name five years later," Derek said pointedly and Mark had the grace to cringe.

"Sure," he admitted, "but she's Meredith…" he trailed off.

Derek decided to push the point, "what are you going to say when you see her today?"

"I don't know," Mark shrugged.

How he resisted the urge to shake his friend, Derek would never know.

"Ask her out to dinner," Derek finally suggested wondering suddenly if he was asking for serious trouble.

"She probably has some guy she didn't want me to know about," Mark vetoed the idea.

"Dude she doesn't," Derek argued.

"Why not, she's a great catch," Mark looked puzzled and Derek started back-tracking. He was afraid Gracie would come up if he had to explain further, something along the lines of 'well she has a five year old daughter who takes up a lot of her time, and oh by the way you're the father.' No, that wouldn't go over well, he decided.

"I'm not going to argue with you Mark, but maybe she hasn't found the right one yet," he didn't want to say much more and luckily Addison appeared at that moment.

"Your shift is over at the same time mine is right," she questioned her husband.

He nodded, and she picked up the keys and chucked them at him, "let's take one car," and was out the door.

"She seems to have gotten a second wind," Mark laughed picking up his coat.

"You have no idea," Derek muttered.

"What's the thinking on kids," Mark asked heading out and closing the door behind them.

"Soon enough" was all Derek said as they approached the car where Addison was waiting impatiently.

They arrived at the hospital and were immediately intercepted by Richard who gave Mark a hug.

"Good to see you again Dr. Sloan," he was beaming.

"Thanks, you too Chief," Mark returned warmly.

"I'm sorry I didn't get a chance yesterday to catch up with you, come join us for dinner tonight, it'll be a big bash with everyone," Richard invited.

Both Derek and Addison witnessed how Mark's eyes lit up at the sound of that; evidently he'd figured out that Meredith would most likely be there.

"That sounds great," Mark nodded, "Thanks Richard."

"It'll give you a chance to meet people," Richard nodded with satisfaction and then his pager went off.

He focused on Mark, "this is a case you'll want to see, let's go."

Derek waited until they were out of sight before he turned to his wife, "I guess I need to head upstairs," he said finally.

"Derek, you may want to give Meredith a heads up," Addison suggested tightly.

Derek studied his wife, "do you think this is going to end badly," he asked finally.

"Derek," she hesitated, "I mean it's Mark."

Addison watched Derek's face carefully, the three of them had been friends a long time, but since they'd moved to Seattle, they hadn't kept in touch and Mark probably hadn't changed that much.

"I know," Derek finally said, "I don't want Meredith to get hurt," again was what he didn't say out-loud.

"Just go and let her know so she can figure out how she wants to handle this," Addison urged.

"You're right, as usual," he went to find the young intern.

"Dr. Grey," she looked up at him from where she was working on her charts.

"Dr. Shepherd," she returned with wary eyes.

"Did you sleep alright," he was concerned by the circles under her eyes.

She glanced around her before answering, "I just kept thinking about him, and Gracie, and us, and no I didn't," she finally whispered.

"We're all having dinner with Richard tonight," his eyes fixated on hers.

"What," her voice squeaked this time.

"We're having dinner at Richard's," he repeated.

"I knew that, I'm guessing you're here to tell me that Mark is coming," she finally returned.

"I am," he said finally.

"Derek," she hissed at him, and then buried her face in her hands at his nod.

"What am I going to do," she murmured, "what am I going to tell him?"

"Hide under the sofa," Derek suggested and she chuckled.

"I could fake an emergency surgery," she said lighting up.

"Don't you think Richard would clue in," Derek asked and she nodded.

"You can take off if you want to figure this out," Derek said and she shook her head.

"No, I'm in," she followed him into the scrub room and fell into a contemplative silence.

Later that afternoon Addison found Meredith sitting on a chair with a dazed look on her face.

"Meredith is everything okay," she questioned.

"Well," the younger woman sighed, "I'm about to have dinner with my daughter, and the father of my child, who incidentally doesn't know she really exists," she put her face in her hands.

Addison felt tremendous sympathy for the position she was in and sat down next to her in another chair. She put a hand on the younger woman's back and rubbed in soothing circles.

"It ends tonight doesn't it?" Meredith dropped her hands from her face, and she looked ill.

Addison grimaced slightly, "Meredith, he may not figure it out," she finally said.

"Is he stupid," Meredith glanced at Addison who then hesitated.

Mark wasn't stupid, she knew this, dense and slightly oblivious, but not stupid.

"Mostly no," she finally said.

Meredith groaned again, "I'm so screwed," she whispered.

"Is who stupid," Mark's voice startled them both.

Addison felt Meredith stiffen immeasurably.

"A patient," Addison covered for her friend quickly.

"Are you going to dinner tonight," Mark directed his gaze at Meredith finally.

"Yes," Meredith managed.

"Good," Mark grinned at her, "see you later."

"Oh God," Meredith wailed when he was out of earshot.

"I hate being such a mess," she finally said tearfully looking at Addison, "I just never thought this day would come."

Addison smiled, "Derek and I will both be there; you won't be alone in this."

"I just have these fantasies you know, of things working out, and nightmares about things blowing up in my face – I alternate between being hopeful and being terrified."

"I'd imagine you would be terrified no matter what," Addison remarked.

"Yes that's true," Meredith admitted, "But one is a good kind, and one is definitely not."

Addison sat for another minute before her pager went off.

"I have to go," she gave the younger woman a one arm squeeze and stood up, "see you tonight."

"Thanks Addison," Meredith said, "we'll see you there."

Addison came out of her surgery and frowned in puzzlement; Mark Sloan was standing looking in the window at the babies in the NICU. It was a strange sight indeed.

"Mark," she walked towards him, "what on earth are you doing here?"

"There you are," he grinned at her, "I was wondering if you wanted to freshen up, Derek is going to be in surgery for another hour or so."

"He's going straight to dinner," Addison summarized.

"Yeah," Mark looked back at the babies.

"Mark," she questioned again.

"They're cute," he said finally.

His facial expression and tone of voice were so un-Sloan-like that she had to ask.

"Seriously, what's going on," she demanded.

"After our conversation the other day," he sighed, "I just got thinking a little bit about you know, kids, and a family, you and Derek are ready to have one now."

"I know," she acknowledged, and she knew they were, and that soon they'd start building the perfect family.

"It's a new start for you Addie, you need to try again," he said finally.

"I know," she nodded, "we will," she voiced it out loud for the first time.

"I mean the way Derek looks at you, it's like he could…" he hesitated.

"Mark," she asked then to change the subject, "why are you here?"

"I haven't met many women, or really any, which make me, want that," he finally said.

"I've never seen you want kids," she reminded him.

"Well, I didn't, but the idea of a family, for some reason, seeing Meredith again made me wonder if we would have had a chance back then," he smiled fondly, "she was amazing."

"Mark," Addison said feeling apprehensive.

"You coming," he glanced at her.

"No, I'll go with Derek," she finally decided.

"I'll see you at dinner," he walked away leaving Addison frankly shocked.

She waited for Derek and when he came out of his surgery, she approached him and kissed him gently.

"What's up," he searched her face.

"Mark was getting soft on us," she said with a smirk.

"How so," Derek headed towards the doctor's lounge to change.

"Well, he was getting all mushy and contemplative in the NICU," Addison sat down on the couch, slumping into it which wasn't typical of her.

"That doesn't sound like Mark," Derek laughed lightly.

"I know," she mused, "he doesn't do babies."

Something in her tone made him glance in her direction. She was beautifully pensive, both peaceful and somehow vulnerable. He suddenly moved towards her, Addison was startled.

"Derek," she hissed as he locked the door and flipped the shades.

He leaned over her on the couch kissing her with abandon.

Despite her concern over being found out, Addison was genuinely helpless to resist him.

"Derek," she mumbled as his hands pushed her skirt up.

"God I love when you wear these skirts," he whispered against her ear.

"Do you," she teased lightly as his hands pulled down her black lace panties.

"I love these too," he murmured, "especially off."

"Derek," she hissed.

His presence was all around her, and suddenly he moved in her rapidly, frantically.

"Derek," she whimpered, voices were coming.

"Shush," he kissed her roughly to stifle her cries

His hands held her wrists while the other adjusted her underneath him, the pressure built and then she shattered. Outside one of the doctors paused to say goodnight, they had just seconds. Derek pulled up his pants and smoothed back his hair, she inched her skirt down and he flipped the lock. When Dr. Grey walked in, Addison was fixing her make-up and Derek was putting on his jacket.

Meredith glanced at the blinds and started to chuckle.

"What," Addison glanced at her friend.

"You two," she shook her head.

"Flip the shades will you," Derek asked her, and she glanced at them in the process, "I'm always surprised you two have that spark after all these years," she remarked.

"It comes and goes," Addison reassured her, "we weren't always like this."

"Actually…" Derek closed his mouth hastily as his wife shot dagger eyes in his direction.

"You leaving," Derek asked Meredith instead, "what about Gracie?"

"I'm picking her up, I'll see you there," Meredith headed out.

Addison glared at her husband as she picked up her things.

"What's wrong," he wondered.

"Our sexual exploits can," she started to say but was cut off.

"Be inspiring," he finished.

"Let's go," she snapped heading for the door.

Derek laughed to himself as he followed her. Her elegant indignation in spite of their shared passion was amusing to him every time.

Richard's house later that evening:

"Come in, come in," Richard opened the door.

"Richard," Derek greeted him, Addison gave him a hug.

"Meredith and Gracie will be here shortly," Derek said as they hung up their coats.

"Excellent, and Mark is where," Adele came around the corner.

"Thanks for having us over," Addison gave her a hug, and then shook her head, "Mark is on his way."

Richard was pouring them drinks when Meredith and Gracie ran straight to Addison.

"Hi there," she smiled at the little girl.

"Hi Aunt Addison," Gracie looked very pretty, and with her curly hair pulled back, she looked a great deal like Meredith. Addison wondered if that was intentional.

"Dinner is almost ready," Adele announced, she and Lexie had been cooking all afternoon.

They sat down around the table, Mark still hadn't arrived yet. Meredith seemed relaxed and Addison began to think she might be okay after all.

Mark heard the laughter as he walked up, he'd gotten nostalgic at the house and it had taken him longer to get going than he would have liked. He was right on time but it sounded as if almost everyone had arrived. Hearing them in the dining room he headed in that direction but stopped just before the doorway staring.

Gracie and Meredith sat side by side, Meredith was cutting up Gracie's meat into little chucks and the little girl was babbling happily to Lexie who sat on the other side. She looked like a spitting image of Meredith and Mark couldn't believe he hadn't noticed before. His head was spinning; Meredith was a mother, a very young mother. That adorable child was her daughter?

Just then Meredith glanced up and noticed him standing staring at them. They just looked at each other; there was fear, guilt, apprehension and uncertainty in her gaze. She straightened up still staring at him. He beckoned to her unsure of what he was going to say. As Meredith stood, Derek noticed her expression and followed her gaze as did Addison.

Meredith stepped out next to Mark and he guided her into the living room.

"She's yours isn't she," he asked finally.

"Yes," Meredith whispered.

"Why didn't you tell me she was your daughter," he was baffled.

"Mark, I," Meredith hesitated.

"Wait a minute," realization was suddenly dawning, her nervousness, and why Derek and Addison had both kept quiet.

"Derek and Addie never told me," he said finally, he'd met Gracie, why hadn't they said anything, except for?

"She's mine," he said this time even more quietly.

"Yes," Meredith whispered again.

"Holy shit," Mark said in a slightly louder voice and bolted for the door.

"Mark," Meredith called following him to the door.

Derek and Addison both jumped out of their seats and followed Meredith outside.

Mark was already peeling away from the driveway.

"He knows," Derek made the statement.

"Yes," she whispered, "he bolted."

"It's going to be okay," Derek promised.

"What's going on," Richard appeared as Derek headed for his car to find Mark.

"Mark just found out that," Addison paused.

"Chief, Mark is Gracie's father," Meredith croaked.

"Well that's a surprise," Richard said finally, "come back inside honey."

Addison and Richard ushered Meredith back in where a frightened little girl looked up at her tearful mother, "mommy?"

"Its okay baby," Meredith picked her up, but as Addison watched her fight more tears, she knew it was very much not okay. Meredith's hopes that Mark would be happy had been shattered, and she only hoped that Meredith's dreams of a family were not also in shambles.


	58. The Good is not Always Easy

Hi everyone,

Some more inspiration, in the return of one of my two favorite writers (Richefic) to the fanfiction world, helped me get this second chapter in 48 hours written. Don't know how long this little writing binge will last, but I have an idea of how I'd like to write the next one, so maybe sometime this week. Then I have two busy weeks/weekends at work, so the next update might take longer. Please review and let me know if I'm still on track from all those months ago, little rusty here! Thanks.

Previously: Mark figures out that Gracie is his daughter

Summary: Meredith gets reassurance, and Addison remembers....

**Chapter 58: The Good is not Always Easy**

Addison watched her friend and realized how desperately Meredith was trying to stay calm for Gracie's sake.

"Adele," she leaned over, "Can you take Gracie into the kitchen to make desert," she asked softly.

"Sure thing," Adele stepped towards Meredith, "Gracie, I need help making cookies, can you give me some special assistance?"

Gracie nodded pulling away from Meredith's shoulder and Meredith handed her over to Adele. As soon as they vanished out of sight, Meredith sat down heavily.

"That did not go well," she murmured.

Richard poured her a glass of tequila and she laughed softly, "I haven't had that in…" she hesitated.

"Drink it," he urged, "you've had a rough evening."

She took it hesitantly and he disappeared into his study.

Addison and Lexie sat down on either side of her and waited for her to start talking.

"What do I do now," she finally whispered, "this isn't so simple anymore."

"Was it ever," Addison inquired.

"No, but you and Derek are such a great couple, all I ever wanted for Gracie was something like that," her voice wobbled.

Addison laughed to herself wondering if Derek would kill her for admitting their marital troubles, probably not since his stories of their sexual exploits would be legendary if he had his way. On the other hand, it was their marriage and he didn't always look so good in those stories. She decided for an abbreviated version, hoping Meredith would be able to understand even the best things took work.

"Derek and I," she paused searching for the right words, "we're like any couple Meredith, we have ups and downs."

"Really, I find that hard to believe," Meredith sniffled.

"We moved out here for a fresh start," Addison said finally, "our marriage was damaged by our work commitments, by a miscarriage," she stopped remembering the pain as if it was yesterday.

Meredith and Lexie were both staring at her in school, "Oh Addison," it was Lexie who spoke first.

"I'm not saying this to detract from your position Meredith," Addison hastened to assure her, "but only to say that life is complicated and marriage all the more so, because two lives are being joined together for better or worse; it's not all better, there's a lot of worst in there as well."

"I want a family," Meredith laughed, "and somehow I always figured it would be easiest for Gracie if her father and I were together, not that I imagined that happening; now that it almost could have, it just seems so naïve."

"It's not," Addison assured her, "it's hopeful, it's idyllic, but it's not naïve."

"It's Mark Sloan," Meredith snapped, showing her fiery side for the first time that evening.

"Okay," Addison admitted with a nod, "that's true."

Silence fell again as Addison wondered what being Mark Sloan meant in this situation. She was taken back again to the days when Derek was ignoring her, to that fateful kiss all those months, over a year ago. Suddenly, without specifying, she knew what she could say.

"Meredith, Mark is Mark, and there's no avoiding that," she waited until the younger woman met her gaze.

"But, he is a good man, and he was always there for me when things with Derek were rocky in New York," she didn't mention the spark that occasionally flared between them.

"He cares, and he looks out for his friends, he is loyal and he may be oblivious, but he also is not malicious or callous," she took a breath, "don't write him off yet, give him some time to realize what all this might mean, he could easily surprise you, he is capable of that."

Somehow that seemed to help Meredith relax a little and Lexie shot Addison a grateful look.

"Dr. Shepard," Lexie hesitated searching for a way to ask her question.

"Addison please," she hardly knew the younger woman, but as Meredith's half-sister, she felt a protective motherly affection for the girl.

"Addison, how did you and Derek manage to stay so close, or become close again," she finally asked.

Addison stared at her thoughtfully, it was a valid question. Their new life in Seattle, with the house, and a future, and new friends, seemed so ideal, it was hard to remember a time when he was fearful of being a father, when his work kept him out all the time, and when he generally refused to interact with her. She remembered his fear of living without her, her inability to take him back, her making him move out until he made choices, the awful loss of the baby, and hurtful overheard words, all of it and she fought the lump in her throat.

"Lexie," she smiled then realizing how young the girl really was, "we had to find our faith again in each other," and it was true.

Their faith had vanished, leaving two different people who had once shared everything, the love that bound them was inextricably part of their faith that they would last. Once that was gone, the candle of their love was in danger of going out completely. How had they salvaged that? Faith that they would triumph, and fear at the outcome if they couldn't survive.

"I don't know if I could survive without him," Addison admitted, she remembered that time when she had tried.

"But," she grinned, "there was a time when it seemed healthier for myself to try."

Lexie nodded, "do you think," she glanced at Meredith and fell silent.

Meredith seemed to know what she meant though, "do you think it's healthy for me to try and hope for the best with Mark?"

"You need to have faith in him," Addison nodded, "but not at the expense of who you are."

"Mark isn't going to change though," Meredith argued, "is he?" She sounded less certain with that question.

"No, he won't really change," Addison couldn't imagine that, "but he has grown Meredith and the way he looks at you, it reminds me that there is more to Mark Sloan than the womanizer best friend Derek and I know so well."

"Really," a girlish spark was in her eye.

"He looks at you with intrigue and reverence," Addison tried to explain that look in Mark's eye.

"He is still interested in you Meredith, we can both see it, this is new for Mark, at least in our eyes," she realized, "it is a different side that we've never seen."

"It's just," Meredith hesitated, "even all those years ago, he still left."

Addison and Lexie fell silent waiting for her to continue, not wanting to push.

_Flashback*_

Meredith woke half-way in the middle of the night; she was cozy and fully enclosed in Mark's arms. His heartbeat against her began to lull her back to sleep and she realized she was looking forward to waking up and seeing his beautiful eyes in the morning.

Hours later, when she awoke for real, she was chilly, and there was no heartbeat behind her. The bed was empty, and there was a short note on the pillow.

"Meredith, I had a wonderful time last night, and an early flight to catch. Hotel will bill me later if you want to order room service, M"

That was it, there was nothing else there, no contact number, nothing. It had been one glorious evening for a twenty-one year old girl from Seattle and now, it was over. She felt stupid and used, and naïve.

She decided against ordering food, she quickly showered and dressed and made her way downstairs and out the door. Once outside, she leaned against the building feeling tears building up.

"Miss Grey," she jumped at the sound of a voice near her.

There was a uniformed driver looking concerned, he worked for the hotel.

"Yes," she stammered.

"Mr. Sloan wanted me to give you a ride back to your apartment," he explained handing her a note and Meredith wasn't sure what to say.

She opened it: "M – thought you would like a ride back, please take it," with the now familiar hand-writing.

Finally she nodded, "okay thank you, I don't live far."

After giving him her address, she slumped into the fancy seat, wondering if she finished off the small mini-bar, if that would cost Mark extra. Deciding to avoid the bottle, she tried to focus on something other than the fairy tale evening, but it was useless.

_End Flashback*_

"Meredith," Lexie shook her.

"Sorry," Meredith wiped her eyes, "I still remember how much I looked forward to waking up with him and how he left, with a short note and no contact information."

"I felt so stupid," she admitted.

"That sounds like Mark Sloan, the one I know," Addison sighed.

"I should have realized that would happen, but I fell for him, and it took me weeks to start functioning," she hesitated remembering.

"What," Lexie tried to keep her from totally getting sucked back into her former state of numbness and disconnect.

"After I was sick a few times, I realized I missed my period, and I took a pregnancy test," she said, "I took four."

"They were all positive," Addison realized.

"I was going to be in Med-school, and I couldn't have a baby," Meredith sighed, "I was going to get an abortion, but I realized I would never be able to live with myself if I did."

She squared her shoulders remembering, "I did it, somehow I raised a baby, and got through school with lots of family help," and she smiled at the thought of all the people who got her through that time.

"I did okay," she said with more certainty, "but after I found out, I thought about contacting Mark and I just wasn't sure what to say, or what I wanted from him."

Admitting the next part was harder, "after he just up and left, I didn't think he was the kind of guy who would come rushing back, it wasn't that hard to imagine my scenario playing out with another girl somewhere – and it was clear that he wasn't a committed family man."

Addison wasn't surprised with the reasoning, it made perfect sense, and Mark probably would have offered to pay for an abortion making Meredith feel even more alone and vulnerable. She'd made her own path. However, Mark did look at Meredith differently, which made Addison suspect that Mark had regrets as well, but only time would tell if those were enough to conquer the idea of fatherhood.

Still, she reasoned again, now that he knew Gracie was his, there wasn't a force in the world that would cause him to abandon them now. At least she hoped that once Derek was through talking Mark off a cliff that would be the case.

"Mommy," Gracie came running into the living room and Meredith smoothly passed her glass to Lexie so that Gracie wouldn't notice; Addison hid a smirk. Meredith had been a wilder child in her youth, but having a daughter in her early twenties had her far more grown up now than most people her age.

"Yes baby," Meredith's smile was real this time, and Gracie held out the cookie dough spoon for her to lick.

"You haven't eaten much of that have you," Meredith's parental concern kicked in.

"Nope," Gracie shook her head, "Adele wouldn't let me clean the bowl, just the spoon."

Meredith took a lick herself and passed it to Lexie who passed it to Addison.

Gracie looked please as she raced back to the kitchen.

"Thank you sweetie and no running," Meredith called after her.

"You did a great job raising her Meredith," Addison said softly, "father or no father."

"You think," Meredith sighed, "I always worry about it, and think she needs a father figure, although she does have Derek now."

Addison nodded, "and he adores her," she assured her friend. It was true; Derek had latched onto Gracie as quickly as she had to him. Addison was surprised to find out that she loved that and had no worries about Gracie's role in their lives after they had their own children. Derek would love his own children more than anything, while treasuring Gracie nonetheless. She was a part of the family, much as Meredith was, and now Lexie as well.

"I think you need to drink up and go lie down," Lexie passed the glass back.

Meredith made quick work of it and headed for the stairs, pausing to remind them, "If Gracie needs me, make sure she comes upstairs."

She was worried about her daughter after tonight and wanted to reassure her in any way she could.

"We will," Addison promised, and sighed softly once Meredith disappeared.

"Do you think Mark and Derek will be back tonight," Lexie asked.

"I have no idea," Addison resisted the urge to call.

"You don't want to interrupt them," Lexie guessed.

Still Addison made the call.

"Hi honey," Derek answered.

"Did you," she hesitated.

"I did, I'm outside the bar now, I'll see you later tonight," he said.

"Derek," she didn't know how to voice her fears, "please try to get through to him, Meredith wants a future together."

"I know, I love you Addie," he said gently.

"I love you too," she hung up and glanced at Lexie.

"I guess all we can do is wait for them to come home," she said finally and Lexie sighed loudly.

"I'm not too good that," she grudgingly admitted.

"Well, this will be good practice," Addison stood to pour them some more drinks as they settled in to see what came next.


End file.
